I have a Solution

We are made to feel our feelings...fully and completely, without blocking, knocking, or banishing them away.

Pema Chodron says, "Lean into the sharp places". I've been reading a lot of her wisdom these days, which really resonates with me in the space I have found myself to be. She's got very real advice and very touching and moving writings that have indeed helped me through a great deal of emotional distress. I remember her words often, especially in times when I need them the most. Like now.
I experienced my own "leaning in" today. As the day grew and I became more anxious, I was unable to process my thoughts and feelings, because I cannot do that where I work...I have to be completely available and therapeutic for the teenagers and I cannot take my personal stuff into work, otherwise it will backfire...but once I got my break, I was already feeling like I was about to boil over from the things bubbling up inside of me, and I just let myself have it, and I cried for thirty minutes and just allowed myself to feel and release...and after all of that, the feeling was no longer so intense, and I was able to rationalize and bring logic and intuitive wisdom into the mix, which made it better.

I've written a lot about patterns and ways of thinking in past entrees, so I won't go too much into that, but I have been noticing a pattern of mine creep up on me...that "I'm unworthy/unlovable/stupid/an idiot" bullshit.

That is exactly what it is...BULL.SHIT. Period.

But in the moment, it's like, "Oh my God, I'm feeling this right now...so what do I do about it?"

Well, for one, I feel the feelings, and I let myself take the criticism as though I were taking it from some other human being...and once I've let myself get those feelings and thoughts out, I then remind myself that those thoughts are not true. I remind myself that they are lies that are destructive. It's so easy to blame ourselves and play the victim, when we have absolutely no control over a given situation.

It is quite amazing how quickly the human mind can shift from positive to negative, but how difficult it is for the mind to shift from negative to positive. I guess this is because our collective tendency as human beings is to suffer, whether or not that is what we want. No one truly desires to suffer. Suffering comes from victimizing ourselves...dwelling on things that do not serve us...perceived unfairness...feeling deliberately hurt.

This morning, I woke up feeling lovely, beautiful, lovable, light, desirable, wanted, and like every decision I had made the night before was the right one...how I felt that there was something good happening, and that things could not have possibly gone better...how I had gone through the motions with such clarity and such trust...and as the day went on, I began to feel out of touch with reality...out of touch with my heart and with my body...my mind began to spin, shake, and crumble, and even though I know in my heart that I was more than okay, my mind began to tell me things like, "you're an idiot", "how could you have been so stupid", "you should have known", "he doesn't actually care about you" etc etc etc.... when maybe, just maybe I'm over analyzing every single thing, thinking about "stupid things" I may have said that may have "turned him off".
"He kissed me goodbye, and I thought that meant he liked me..." Yeah, okay...and maybe he does. He did tell me he likes being around me...so?

I'm honestly still processing, and probably very much overreacting...but this is why I blog...words are my processor...

I have a solution, and that solution is to wait...patiently...give it time and space...understand that I'm not the only one whose head is probably spinning. It's not all about me. There is nothing more I can say or do without making myself feel worse, so I have chosen to leave it be for now...to let go, and let life happen.

. 

Patterns

The mind will go where it goes. There is nothing we can do about it, other than watch, and then choose how we respond to it. That sounds way easier than it actually is, but it is definitely something that can be done. It just takes practice.
I've been watching my mind a lot lately. It's an interesting thing to watch, as it goes back and forth, from one point to another, and how it tries to connect the dots all the time. Sometimes, it connects the dots correctly, and other times...not so much. The mind will even add dots that were never really there to begin with (called assumptions); and those can get us into trouble.

The other day, I read a quote by Henry Winkler, which was, "Assumptions are the termites of relationships". I thought...wow; that's actually true. I remember making assumptions in my past relationships (romantic and friendships), and I particularly remember how those assumptions caused me a lot of unnecessary pain.
It's funny to watch the patterns of thought...how similar they are, even in very different situations. Those patterns are also termed SAMSKARAS or NEURO PATHWAYS. You can never remove a samskara or NP without removing a piece of the brain physically...although, new ones are always able to be formed. New ones are formed the same way the old ones were, and that is by consciously making an effort to go about things in a certain way. For instance, if originally, you were to become very angry after an altercation with a friend or family member, and then decided to give them the silent treatment for weeks, and hold a grudge, etc...and you wanted to change that into something more productive, you might:
A- Take a deep breath
B- Consider your part in the issue
C- Apologize for your part
D- Make ammends
E- Forgive

...and so on.

That's one way of creating a new pathway...although, a new pathway cannot take over an old one, unless it has dug a groove much deeper than the old one...and that is done by repetition.
Instead of flipping out all the time and getting reactive about something, we consciously choose to breathe and then let it go, and accept things as they are...every time. Eventually, it becomes habit. Even so, the natural tendency that was there before, will always be there, and sometimes, we do fall back into that same pattern. This is why addicts have such a hard time and relapse. But a person can always pick themselves back up again.

I don't know what drove me to write about all of this, but I guess it was just in the ethers today. Maybe someone needs to see what I have to say. Sometimes, I just begin writing, and things come out of me that I didn't even realize were there...even advice I could use myself. It's a fascinating thing. For me, writing gets me into my soul...my true self. It's the one way I can access what I perceive to be truth, and I am grateful.

Last weekend, I went on a phone/social media fast. I hadn't ever done anything like that, unless I was out of the country, where it wouldn't work anyway. It was nice to keep living my life as I always do, only without all of that extra nonsense that the world seems to be so addicted to. I was breaking a pattern for 48 hours that I was so used to, every day, for the past maybe 6 years of my life. That's a deep groove to jump out of, even for 2 days. SO...while I had no connection to my phone or to the social media world, I found myself doing things I normally wouldn't do, thinking things I normally wouldn't think, and feeling things I wouldn't normally feel...

I made a list:
- The first thing was anxiety...not knowing what was going on in the world...a little discomfort around sitting with myself, without the typical distractions.
- Then I started feeling more in tune with life around me (close to me).
- I had more time to do daily tasks.
- I didn't feel rushed.
- I did feel withdrawn, but eventually, it faded away.
- I did feel occasionally worried, but that too did not last.
- I got locked out of my car; locked the keys in there and everything. I figured it all out on my own...used my own set of skills and knowlege rather than relying on someone or something else to do it for me.
- I subbed a yoga class, and felt more connected to everyone in the room, because I wasn't wasting energy on my connection with people online who I actually have no actual connection with in that setting.
- I danced with myself.
- I sang to myself.
- Took the time to cook myself meals.
- Thoughts crossed my mind many times to grab my phone, even at the weirdest times, like while driving, in bed, in a movie theater, at work, when I started getting bored, etc. It made me realize how unhealthy it is.
- I got out of my head, and in to my heart.
- I began feeling more 'in the moment' as opposed to being in lala-land with my facebookees or instagramees.
- I noticed a blue monarch butterfly flying over my head and circling me (those are rare).
- I noticed families of new quail hatchlings walking around and the parents so warmly guiding and watching them.
- I became more focused on making connections with people in my vicinity rather than people on a social media network.
- Now, I don't want to check my phone unless I am alone, because it's actually kind of rude when you're with someone.

I recommend trying it, even for one day. It's amazing what comes up in that one day.
It's amazing how our culture has become so addicted to our phones and computers. It's all a distraction from what we really need to be focusing on.
Even other addictions like drug and alcohol, shopping, even physical activity. Too much of anything can easily be turned into a bad thing.
We need balance.

Everything becomes much more meaningful when we choose to be in the moment, rather than being somewhere else in our heads when our physical body is right here.

Choose a new pattern.

Namaste.

When life forces you to move on

My first true love is getting married.
So is my long-time best friend...
My heart has been broken many times.
Plenty of times, I thought I was in love.
There comes a time when everyone you have ever loved will leave you...
Sometimes people part ways naturally,
Other times, not so naturally.
Nevertheless, the way things abruptly end sometimes
Is life, forcing you to move on...
Telling you to go out and find what lies ahead, waiting...
You go from full to empty in what seems like such a short amount of time...
You are left with so much space inside, feeling like there is nothing to fill it.
Only, what you don't know at the time is,
That the void comes as a gift, to soon be filled with all the treasures of your heart's desires.
Life has it's ways.

...

My life is, in a sense, empty,
But not in a way that is loneliness or nothingness...

Not at all...

It is empty enough for me to reach out...
to desire...
to want...

But not enough to make me sad...
Not enough to make me cry...
Not enough to make me feel meaningless.

Not at all...

In all the other ways, my life is full...
Full of love,
Full of life,
Full of purpose,
Full of peace...

I choose to live a life of service...
A life that keeps me giving...
A life that never fails to give back.

I am healing.

Every day is a new beginning.
Each second is another chance.
Each breath is another reminder...
To move ahead, and never look back.

See,

I can finally move forward.
Life is forcing me to empty and become refilled again.
Life is giving me another chance.
Life is leading me in a new direction.
Life is teaching me to detach from what no longer serves me...

Life is forcing me to move on.

To make room for change...
Transformation...
New beginnings.

For every end, there is a beginning.
For every beginning, there is an end...\
Whether that be by choice or by death.

Death is a fascinating term.
It can mean so many things...
Like actually dying and leaving this physical body,
Or like ending a cycle of a period, and not actually dying...

For me,

A cycle of my life has ended...
I am now entering a new period.
I have been entering this new period for the past few years...
Only now I am actually realizing it.

One by one,

I have been letting go of things which no longer serve me...
Grow me...
Or make me better.

I am ready to let go.
Or am I?
Am I being forced?

It does not matter.
...
I am letting go.

There is no use to hold on to such useless things...
All they do is add unnecessary weight.
Why walk the path of life carrying hefty empty baggage,
When there is no longer any use for such things?

Those things no longer define me.
Those things are no longer who I am.

Today,

I feel I have let go of the last few things that have held me back
From fully entering this new cycle in my life.

Now,

I feel ready...

I feel ready to fly.

 

The Power of Love

We should never stop believing in the power of love. The power of positive thinking. The power of sending healing, loving, vibrant energy to another human being in need. I believe in that stuff so much. When I receive a message that someone is thinking of me, or is sending me love and light, I close my eyes, and allow myself to fully receive their kind, warm, loving energy. I imagine that energy radiating within my heart, and moving throughout my entire being...intertwining with that person. Then I imagine myself sending the same loving energy back to them, and maybe even to someone else...It is such a beautiful feeling, to feel that you are cared for and loved by others. It is healing in itself to realize that you are not alone, and that you are in this with everyone else.

I am currently going through a very difficult time in my life, and being around people who emit love with all of their being has a wonderful effect on my own spirit. It helps me to remain in that light hearted state of being.

I try hard to not project how I am feeling inside on others around me. Even so, I still feel this heaviness within myself, which is detectable by others who are close to me... I don't want others to worry about me, but knowing that they are there...that's something I am extremely grateful for.

I live a life of service...and how can I be of service if I am not taking care of myself? So I continue to do good things for myself. I continue to love myself. I continue to send myself the same loving energy I receive from those close to me...and why do I do that? Because the most valuable love one can ever receive is that love that is given by oneself. To love oneself is to love the entire world.

So never stop believing in all of that...never stop loving...keep your heart open, mind free, spirit in constant searching for Truth. With all of that, you will heal. You will be set free. "this too shall pass"...Love on. Namaste.

 

A Deeper Wisdom

4/8: 12:05 am...
There is a deeper wisdom that lies within each and every one of us. Her name is Intuition. She comes around at the most crucial times...times that are critical to the direction our life will lead us in. This is why it is important to listen to her. I call Intuition a female, whether she resides in a man or woman, because Intuition is feminine. She is circular, rounded, creative, insightful, and wise. The masculine is Logic (mind), brother of Intuition (heart). Logic is linear, sharp, and instructive. Without one, we are imbalanced. We need both to thrive and to lead our lives to the fullest.




I was raised in an extremely Logic-filled environment, and matters of the heart were kept quiet. I had much difficulty because of this situation, but now, I am grateful for what it has taught me. It has caused me to long for my intuition...to want to listen...to care.




4/9: 12:05 am...

Today I was told by a co-worker that I smell "comforting". I thought it was a nice compliment. :)
Then I was told by the Chef at work, who used to be my boss, that I "look good! Must be all that yoga! You're always glowing!"...then he tells me "You need a boyfriend"... I want one, that's for sure...but they are extremely hard to come by. I've been so picky all my life, and then again I haven't been picky enough and land myself into relationships that suck the life out of me. I told a friend the other day, "If there's anyone out there just right for me, he's probably just like I am, a busy body who doesn't ever 'hang out', and if I do hang out, it's a rarity...thus, we might never find each other...let alone, notice...each other...."

True that.




My thoughts are scrambled tonight...seems like I have much more to write about, but I'm feeling blocked...so I will save it for another time. Namaste.




...ok, nevermind. I remembered something.




I think I was born into this life for a purpose greater than I ever realized. I was thinking about it on my drive home from work...how in every situation I've been in, within ever relationship I have ever had with anyone...I've always wanted to understand and grow from it. It's like my soul wants to be here to learn, and it's so powerful that it overrides my emotions most of the time...but it allows me to experience the feeling first, and once the feeling has been released, my spirit has been cleansed enough to gain clarity and insight to the experience. It's comforting to think of it in such a way...

It's as if I asked to come here for the purpose to experience, understand, and learn from life...




I am an extremely emotional being, and deeply spiritual being...I've always been more emotionally and spiritually adept, more so than intellectually and physically. Once I began my yoga practice, combining that physical movement and body awareness with emotional and spiritual self, I began to develop further and am here, now, writing this insight I just had 30 minutes ago. I've always been a deep thinker as well, and hated being in school, where they told me how to think, how to do, how to be, how to feel...all I ever wanted was to figure it out by myself, and I didn't want anyone telling me I was wrong. I was very bull headed as a child...probably got that from my dad. ;)

I feel very balanced these days...much more than in my past. I was often off center most of my life, until I found yoga and dedicated my life to it, and heard and accepted the calling to become a teacher. It's another great purpose I have in this life, and I'm just so thrilled that I have been called to do such a great deed for the world, by nature of the universe and by the will of my higher power...God/Goddess...Alah...Shiva...Krishna...Durga...Kali....Masculine...Feminine...all is one anyway.




We all have a great purpose...and sometimes...often times...that requires many different deeds...We just have to trust and have faith, and the universe always provides...it's the law of attraction. It's the way of the world...it's nature...it is love. Pure, powerful, raw, unconditional LOVE...

Namaste...for reals this time... <3 br="">

Let's Get Real

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."

~Steve Furtick


True story. I can absolutely, 100% relate. It is so very easy to watch ourselves become jealous of someone else's "picture perfect" life, especially in this social media consumed age. Now, I just have to make it clear before continuing on, that I am not saying I am against social media or that I am blaming social media for any sort of negativity or anything like that...I just have a few thoughts I've been pondering as of late.


Picture this:
You are an avid 'yogi'/'yogini' living in a tropical climate by the ocean, or living up high in the mountains with breathtaking scenery all around you. You can balance in hand stands forever, and you're extremely flexible and can do the most difficult yoga postures known to man... yeah...If I were that person, I would probably be snapping photos of myself in the middle of beautiful nature, in some sort of crazy twisted yoga posture.


...People do it all the time. Take instagram for instance. Hash tag this (#), hash tag that... Challenge this, challenge that...who can do the best hand stand in the best location...who can put their feet farthest behind their head...and THEN do an arm balance...


For a while, I found myself getting caught up in all the IG monthly challenges. It was fun, I tried new things, and it kept me busy...but the time I spent getting into a pose was nothing compared to the time I spent analyzing myself in the photo. I was constantly comparing myself to others, and even felt myself becoming jealous of my IG peers. It wasn't healthy. It became a competition. It was no longer yoga. . .


You see, what we see on IG isn't always true reality. Just because someone has a perfect posture in a perfect environment, doesn't mean that this person has a perfect life. They could be truly hurting inside, or not in a good place in life, or not happy in general. It made me start thinking..."could I be making people feel bad about themselves too?" Probably... The truth of nature is this...how we perceive the world is but a reflection of ourselves...A lense which goes deeper within than imaginable.


I stopped doing IG challenges, because I started to realize that the competition wasn't for me.. Yoga means so much more to me than a photo on instagram. Yes, I do post pictures of myself in a hand stand or in a pose from time to time...but more for the purpose of being artistic. I have a love for photography, the body, and yoga. But I have vowed to not mess with the angle of a photo as a means to make my pose (or body) better (skinnier, stronger, etc) anymore...


My whole reason for posting this is to let people know that there is more to a person that what they post (or don't post) for the world to see...and whatever they do post, don't take it personally by thinking that they "have it better" than you. Each and every one of us has our own lives to live...we should not be obsessing over the life of another person, wishing our life was more like theirs...that's just wasting our lives away...


I had a conversation with one of my yoga buddies on the way to Flagstaff for a workshop I attended with Christina Sell last weekend, where we talked about how a lot of people have become yoga teachers for the sake of self fulfillment, and not primarily to be 'of service'. It's a hot career choice these days, especially for women...there is a lot of beauty industry forcing its way into the world of yoga, and honestly...frankly...it does not belong there. Yoga is not about how the body looks. It does not matter whether you are overweight, underweight, or even 'just right'...(what is 'just right' anyway)...It does not matter whether you wear Lululemon or your favorite pajama pants to yoga class...your ability to move comfortably matters. Your self worth does not depend on a yoga pose, yoga clothes, or your body type, whether your skin is clear or broken out. Your self worth depends on you alone, without any outside influence. We are our own person, and beautiful just the way we are. There's nothing wrong with who you are. If you want to do something to change your appearance, do it for you alone...not for someone else.


In the workshop, Christina stated "It works if it works, except for when it doesn't"...hey, totally applicable in life as well as in yoga. What works for someone else may not work for you--in yoga, in life, etc. It's not a one-size fits-all world we live in. We are all different, we think different...HELL! You may not agree with what I'm writing here, but that's totally okay as well. What kind of a world would it be if we didn't all have different thoughts, ideas, and beliefs? I think it'd be kind of lame to be honest. The fact of the matter is, we just need to start being more real with who we are. We need to stop pretending to be someone we are not. We need to just follow our bliss and be confident with ourselves, and not let others influence our own happiness...It's no one else's to claim but ours. We need to stop comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel, and start living our lives the in the truest and most honest way.


All of this has been floating through my head for the past few days...and damn does it feel good to finally get it all out...


Namaste.

ONE Love

I sit here typing this in my bed, alone...as always it's just me, myself, and I. I ponder on the subject of love and relationships...like the romantic type, and I wonder...where have I gone wrong?

I'm not afraid to be real...to show the world my vulnerable side. I feel that if I didn't allow this part of me to become available to the world, eventually I'd fake myself out...and everyone else, and become someone that I'm not entirely. And with this side of me available to the world, I can maybe bring comfort to those with the same feelings or going throughs as myself...creating a common bond and a common understanding...

__

It seems as though everyone I know is in a good relationship, is married, and/or already has children...all my age, and even the ones younger than myself. What is it that I have done over the years that has caused me to be alone? I go through the motions, and I wonder...why am I alone? What's wrong with me? Why does no one want to be with me? I have searched within myself and have found things that needed to be fixed, and I have worked and worked and worked...but the only thing that has come of all of that work is a whole lot of self love...but that's still something to be grateful for...for sure...and it means more than anything else really...but there's still the part of me that desires a mate...someone to help me along life's journey. Someone who isn't going to leave me hanging...who will love me for me, and who will just "be there"...

I keep hearing the whole "you shouldn't date people from work" and "you shouldn't date people from yoga" and "you shouldn't date people" here and there...but what gives? Well HOW do you expect to find someone outside of all of your activities when you don't ever go anywhere else? How about if you're sober and don't hang out in clubs, bars, etc. Tell me then, where does one look in cases like these? I suppose one could resort to online dating, but I've been down that road, and that relationship didn't go so great...so what gives?

I am tired...tired of waiting. I'm almost ready to give up and stop believing in that kind of love...at least for me...

Maybe my "one" doesn't even exist...

I know I'm "still young"...as I hear a lot...but honestly, no one knows how long they are going to live...and everyone in this life deserves to experience love...no matter who they are or what they have done.

I sit here, becoming teary eyed now...not because I feel sorry for myself, but because within myself, there is love which flows over and spills into every inch of my being...so much that I have contained within myself that I need someone to give some of that love to...I feel that. It's a mixture between pain and bliss. It's the only emotion that can make me feel this way...angry, sad, lonely, hurt, happy, joyful, peaceful, and so many more...

I have so much...maybe too much love to give...and I am struggling, with no one on the receiving end.

That is all I have...