Meditation

I remember when I first learned about meditation. I was in a 7th grade class, and the teacher had us all close our eyes and find imagery. I remember thinking "this is weird", of course, because when you're 13, anything like that is odd. Now that I look back on it, I can tell that it planted a seed for 'future me'.

Over the past few years, I have been very irregular about my meditation practice. I would have random spurts of a week or two, and then I would stop for a month or two, and so on. I remember venting about some insignificant things to one of my friends, and she then asked me, "have you been meditating?" I smiled awkwardly, and said, "sortaaaa".

Do you get that?

Yes...that was me for a long time. Angry, frustrated, control freak, anxious, etc. Lots can go on in my delicate yet vast mind; just like everyone else. 

It wasn't until my teacher training began, that I actually starting making more efforts to developing a meditation practice. I took away tools that could help me through my day, even if I couldn't literally just sit for 5 minutes. I quickly learned that mantra (not necessarily chanting Hindu or Buddhist chants - but can be) are very helpful in stilling the mind--for instance, I have the tendency to be in a mental state of lack, therefor the mantra I found to be most helpful was "I am abundant" on the inhale, and "I am at peace" on the exhale. After repeating that to myself for at least a couple of minutes, I feel much more at ease and relaxed. I feel a whole lot more open to the universe as well.

I found that I can take mantra with me anywhere. I don't have to say it out loud, but I can if I want to...so it's very accessible. I've found myself in touchy situations, and have had to go to the restroom and say, "I am calm. Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti" :) When I do that, I tend to handle myself and other people much more gracefully. 

Along with mantra, I have been able to take breathing (Pranayama) everywhere. Simple techniques like Ujayii and Nadhi Shodhana can be done anywhere--I often do it in my car, although be careful with the NS one, as people might think you are picking your nose XD haha...

Moving along, I became more aware of how I was spending my time; how much have I been wasting, and how much has been used wisely? I realized that a lot of time, I waste worrying, and/or being focused on things that really are not important. I began to prioritize. I really longed to have a seated practice, because I feel it is important for me to have and maintain; therefore, I began to make some changes...

What has helped me, is that I will set my alarm 10-15 minutes early, and will sit in my meditation room, and have a 5-15 min seated practice (Pranayama, Mantra, and Meditation). If it so happens I slept poorly or not enough, and I have to hit snooze, I hit snooze...but that means I will have less time to get ready. With that, I make sure I leave the house 5 minutes earlier than usual. I do breath control and recite my mantra in my car (maybe I will even throw in a little tune to it). I will (hopefully) make it to work early, and thus will turn off my car, set my timer, and close my eyes to meditate for 5 minutes - to just sit in silence and feel myself be just as I am, there in that moment. 

No matter where I go, I can take these tools with me...some days may be more hectic than others, but there is always time. Even if we have to sacrifice morning jams on our way to work in order to breathe and recite mantra, then so be it...as long as I am practicing, I feel my best. I feel in control of myself. I feel more connected with others around me. I feel freer, lighter, and stronger.

I used to loathe seated practice; but now I crave it...that must be a good thing.

Namaste.

Like Stars

I can't really explain how I am feeling, other than that I am feeling change sweep over me like a whirlwind.
As I walk my path in life, I learn through countless interactions, situations, and trials. One of my greatest flaws is my social anxiety. As I grow older, my anxiety seems to increase, as I learn day by day, that not all people are trustworthy...not even the people I love the most... either that is truth, or it is my anxiety speaking believable lies into my head.
My heart is heavy, because I feel as though I am a genuine human being, living in a superficial world. I know I am not the only genuine being on this planet, but it is difficult to find people like us, because we are so few and far between. We are like ships sailing in the night...or like the stars so distant in the sky, that you barely notice them.
I feel as though at times my ship is sinking. At times, my sails have trouble guiding me. Sometimes I have to repair damages that cut so deep in the worst places...but I move along somehow...not sinking.

Sometimes, I don't know how I do it. I know I am placed on Earth for a reason. I know that I have work to do here...and that is the only reason I am still around. If it were not for that knowing, I would not be here... the world can be so cruel...then again, it can be so loving and kind. I suppose its what you turn your attention to.

I have learned in my life, that even when focusing on the good, bad things will still happen. It's not always in my control what things come into my life. Sometimes, it's just the random play of the universe; or the way I am to receive my life teachings. Some days I feel so inspired, and others I feel completely drained. Some days my heart is full and willing...and other days, empty and reluctant.
I know that whatever happens...whatever I am feeling, will pass.

I have learned that in order to grow in this life, I must sit with my feelings. I must learn a valuable lesson from the ones that come raging in like an atomic bomb in my heart. My spirit gains the most value from those particular feelings and experiences...no matter how good or bad they are. Everything in a person's life is there to be contemplated upon...not ignored or pushed aside for another time...but they are there to be learned in those very moments that they come.

Time is nothing. Time is something only human beings understand, because we have the ability to think and to create. I create my moments. And by that, I mean that I choose the way I see things. If I see them the way that they are, rather than attaching a story line or melodrama to them, my life becomes a lot easier. It's not always going to be easy. I know this from experience. Sometimes the things you love the most are the things you have to let go of, no matter how much it hurts.

I am sensitive. I have a lot of personal issues...but who out there does not? Even the Dali Lama has his problems...but he sees them in light, and he uses them to teach him and others the way of truth and love. I see this in so many great public figures; Christ, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Siddhartha, and so on...

I have learned that I just have to continue to remind myself to trust the process...my process...and believe, even when I feel like I can't... it's the only way to survive in the world, and to endure suffering in a healthier way.

My heart goes out to all who suffer...to everyone. May you, too, have the courage and the strength to endure with complete faith that all is there with purpose. May you walk your path steadily...May all beings be at peace. We are all stars scattered across a vast and ever growing universe....may we all continue to expand with her.

Namaste.

Growing up, but not growing old

Some time in November....

A dear old friend came up to me the other day and told me, "you are growing into such a beautiful young woman. I remember even just maybe a year ago, you were still just a little girl, but you've matured so much." She also said, "keep growing girl, bu just don't grow old" :)

I needed to hear that. I have been having some times where I have felt like I've been taking a few steps back. I have a lot of tendencies to go into certain modes of thinking and allowing myself to become overly stressed because of it.

Now it is December 15, and first off, happy birthdays to my Grandmother and my Sis in law....two very lovely women in my life.

I somehow forgot that I was in the middle of writing a new entry. I think that life has a way of happening sometimes. I honestly love staying busy, keeping a steady flow, and taking on whatever life decides to throw at me next.

Sometimes, the things life throws at me seem a bit harsh, unfair, or like it's just too much to handle, but there's always something that shifts my perspective, and reminds me that it's all just a part of the process. At my job, I recently was accused of something that I did not do, and could have lost my job because of it, but I didn't...but still, the anger and the feeling of being deliberately hurt runs through me...although more subtle today than the day it was brought up.
For me, this became a very big learning experience, and it has helped me realize that not everyone perceives things the same, and not everyone knows every detail. People see what they want to see, and are conditioned to see only the bad in others. I think most people, especially in our culture today, are seasoned to that sort of thinking. What I am striving to do is to only see the good in others, even if I feel deliberately hurt or offended by another person. How I see it is that everyone is simply just doing their best. I know this deep down, because I do not think anyone truly wants to hurt anyone just because they want to hurt someone. I think that when this type of thing happens, there are usually underlying feelings that have not been addressed, therefore build and build, until it explodes. Often times, things like this can cause some people to develop story lines, or melodramas, stories that are not actually real, in their heads. They repeat and repeat the story over and over again so that it becomes the truth to them, and then that is all they see. I know that I used to do this a lot until I was made aware of my tendency.

What I am getting at is that no one is perfect. Everyone has this humanness...a little good, and a little bad...all balancing out in the end. All of it teaches us so that we can become a better version of ourselves, and not blame or shame others for our emotions and our problems. We are each in total control of how we perceive the world around us...
I remember one time a friend asked me if I think the world is a loving place, and then I said no, because I felt as though people were out to get me...today, I think the opposite, because I honestly do think people are just trying to do their best, and when they feel stepped on or take something a way in which it was not meant to be perceived, the hurt feelings show, or not, and then all of that other stuff begins to play out. I know this from my own experience and growing throughout the past several years. And what is funny is that I feel like I still have a lot more growing and learning to do...I probably always will, and that will keep me from never growing old in my mind or in my heart, no matter how old physically I become...and for this too, I am grateful.

Namaste.

Chewing on things

I haven't blogged in almost two months. I've been writing still... I just moved into my new house at the beginning of July. It's finally coming together, and feeling like home.

I also bought my first puppy :) she is a pit/Aussie mix.

Her name is Durga, although I was GOING to call her Kali, after the dark goddess from the Hindu mythology, because she's black, but I decided I didn't want her to be destructive. So I named her after the goddess of conquering evil with good. She still behaves more like a Kali, since she's a puppy and is curious about everything. She likes to chew on things. Today I experienced her first aggressive outburst, when I attempted to get her away from a dead bird. She snarled at me all mean and bit up my hand...only minor, but nevertheless, it upset me. I have to remember she is just a puppy. I have to go through her crapping and pissing all over my house and even on my bed (and my roommate's bed... Haha). But THIS TOO SHALL PASS! She's still cute and lovable, so I still love her. 

I've also been attending meditation groups at the Buddhist Shambhala Center in Tucson. It's been wonderful doing readings, learning and contemplating the dharma, and just being with people who all want to same thing. Inner peace. 

I am chewing on some stuff. 

We create pain in our own lives. It is tough to understand at first, but true. It makes sense to me now. We attract what we focus on. If we get all bound up in a storyline, rather than focusing on the feeling itself, we create more pain. It's a cycle that can only end if we intervene by changing the way we think. I feel it is an important concept that I wish I had understood in my younger years, although I would not be the same person today, had I not experienced the trials I have. 

Tonglin meditation...

Breathing in all the negative stuff in the world...

Breathing out all the positive stuff in te world.

I had no idea about this in the past, and it would have been so wonderful to know and practice. The thing is, we get into this mind set that we are the only ones suffering and that we are separate from everyone else, when in fact, we are all one. We affect each other. It's important for us to breathe in and feel the pain of the world, then to turn those stabs into flowers...releasing love out to everyone, including ourselves.

Compassion...

We cannot have compassion for others, if we have no compassion for ourselves. What we see in others is a mirror, reflecting ourselves to us. Every experience is a chance to evaluate ourselves and understand ourselves more fully...so that we can love ourselves more fully...so that we can love and understand everyone else. 

We are not separate from each other or from a higher power. We are all one...all affecting and impacting reality. We have so many paths we can take. Time is just a bunch of possibilities waiting to happen, and waiting until we intervene and make a choice...free will. Anything goes. We can create our hell, or we can create our heaven. It is up to us, individually, yet so completely together...

Isn't that amazing?

On a final note, I did 20 urdva danurasanas in class today. And I feel fabulous! Have a nice day. 💜

I have a Solution

We are made to feel our feelings...fully and completely, without blocking, knocking, or banishing them away.

Pema Chodron says, "Lean into the sharp places". I've been reading a lot of her wisdom these days, which really resonates with me in the space I have found myself to be. She's got very real advice and very touching and moving writings that have indeed helped me through a great deal of emotional distress. I remember her words often, especially in times when I need them the most. Like now.
I experienced my own "leaning in" today. As the day grew and I became more anxious, I was unable to process my thoughts and feelings, because I cannot do that where I work...I have to be completely available and therapeutic for the teenagers and I cannot take my personal stuff into work, otherwise it will backfire...but once I got my break, I was already feeling like I was about to boil over from the things bubbling up inside of me, and I just let myself have it, and I cried for thirty minutes and just allowed myself to feel and release...and after all of that, the feeling was no longer so intense, and I was able to rationalize and bring logic and intuitive wisdom into the mix, which made it better.

I've written a lot about patterns and ways of thinking in past entrees, so I won't go too much into that, but I have been noticing a pattern of mine creep up on me...that "I'm unworthy/unlovable/stupid/an idiot" bullshit.

That is exactly what it is...BULL.SHIT. Period.

But in the moment, it's like, "Oh my God, I'm feeling this right now...so what do I do about it?"

Well, for one, I feel the feelings, and I let myself take the criticism as though I were taking it from some other human being...and once I've let myself get those feelings and thoughts out, I then remind myself that those thoughts are not true. I remind myself that they are lies that are destructive. It's so easy to blame ourselves and play the victim, when we have absolutely no control over a given situation.

It is quite amazing how quickly the human mind can shift from positive to negative, but how difficult it is for the mind to shift from negative to positive. I guess this is because our collective tendency as human beings is to suffer, whether or not that is what we want. No one truly desires to suffer. Suffering comes from victimizing ourselves...dwelling on things that do not serve us...perceived unfairness...feeling deliberately hurt.

This morning, I woke up feeling lovely, beautiful, lovable, light, desirable, wanted, and like every decision I had made the night before was the right one...how I felt that there was something good happening, and that things could not have possibly gone better...how I had gone through the motions with such clarity and such trust...and as the day went on, I began to feel out of touch with reality...out of touch with my heart and with my body...my mind began to spin, shake, and crumble, and even though I know in my heart that I was more than okay, my mind began to tell me things like, "you're an idiot", "how could you have been so stupid", "you should have known", "he doesn't actually care about you" etc etc etc.... when maybe, just maybe I'm over analyzing every single thing, thinking about "stupid things" I may have said that may have "turned him off".
"He kissed me goodbye, and I thought that meant he liked me..." Yeah, okay...and maybe he does. He did tell me he likes being around me...so?

I'm honestly still processing, and probably very much overreacting...but this is why I blog...words are my processor...

I have a solution, and that solution is to wait...patiently...give it time and space...understand that I'm not the only one whose head is probably spinning. It's not all about me. There is nothing more I can say or do without making myself feel worse, so I have chosen to leave it be for now...to let go, and let life happen.

. 

Patterns

The mind will go where it goes. There is nothing we can do about it, other than watch, and then choose how we respond to it. That sounds way easier than it actually is, but it is definitely something that can be done. It just takes practice.
I've been watching my mind a lot lately. It's an interesting thing to watch, as it goes back and forth, from one point to another, and how it tries to connect the dots all the time. Sometimes, it connects the dots correctly, and other times...not so much. The mind will even add dots that were never really there to begin with (called assumptions); and those can get us into trouble.

The other day, I read a quote by Henry Winkler, which was, "Assumptions are the termites of relationships". I thought...wow; that's actually true. I remember making assumptions in my past relationships (romantic and friendships), and I particularly remember how those assumptions caused me a lot of unnecessary pain.
It's funny to watch the patterns of thought...how similar they are, even in very different situations. Those patterns are also termed SAMSKARAS or NEURO PATHWAYS. You can never remove a samskara or NP without removing a piece of the brain physically...although, new ones are always able to be formed. New ones are formed the same way the old ones were, and that is by consciously making an effort to go about things in a certain way. For instance, if originally, you were to become very angry after an altercation with a friend or family member, and then decided to give them the silent treatment for weeks, and hold a grudge, etc...and you wanted to change that into something more productive, you might:
A- Take a deep breath
B- Consider your part in the issue
C- Apologize for your part
D- Make ammends
E- Forgive

...and so on.

That's one way of creating a new pathway...although, a new pathway cannot take over an old one, unless it has dug a groove much deeper than the old one...and that is done by repetition.
Instead of flipping out all the time and getting reactive about something, we consciously choose to breathe and then let it go, and accept things as they are...every time. Eventually, it becomes habit. Even so, the natural tendency that was there before, will always be there, and sometimes, we do fall back into that same pattern. This is why addicts have such a hard time and relapse. But a person can always pick themselves back up again.

I don't know what drove me to write about all of this, but I guess it was just in the ethers today. Maybe someone needs to see what I have to say. Sometimes, I just begin writing, and things come out of me that I didn't even realize were there...even advice I could use myself. It's a fascinating thing. For me, writing gets me into my soul...my true self. It's the one way I can access what I perceive to be truth, and I am grateful.

Last weekend, I went on a phone/social media fast. I hadn't ever done anything like that, unless I was out of the country, where it wouldn't work anyway. It was nice to keep living my life as I always do, only without all of that extra nonsense that the world seems to be so addicted to. I was breaking a pattern for 48 hours that I was so used to, every day, for the past maybe 6 years of my life. That's a deep groove to jump out of, even for 2 days. SO...while I had no connection to my phone or to the social media world, I found myself doing things I normally wouldn't do, thinking things I normally wouldn't think, and feeling things I wouldn't normally feel...

I made a list:
- The first thing was anxiety...not knowing what was going on in the world...a little discomfort around sitting with myself, without the typical distractions.
- Then I started feeling more in tune with life around me (close to me).
- I had more time to do daily tasks.
- I didn't feel rushed.
- I did feel withdrawn, but eventually, it faded away.
- I did feel occasionally worried, but that too did not last.
- I got locked out of my car; locked the keys in there and everything. I figured it all out on my own...used my own set of skills and knowlege rather than relying on someone or something else to do it for me.
- I subbed a yoga class, and felt more connected to everyone in the room, because I wasn't wasting energy on my connection with people online who I actually have no actual connection with in that setting.
- I danced with myself.
- I sang to myself.
- Took the time to cook myself meals.
- Thoughts crossed my mind many times to grab my phone, even at the weirdest times, like while driving, in bed, in a movie theater, at work, when I started getting bored, etc. It made me realize how unhealthy it is.
- I got out of my head, and in to my heart.
- I began feeling more 'in the moment' as opposed to being in lala-land with my facebookees or instagramees.
- I noticed a blue monarch butterfly flying over my head and circling me (those are rare).
- I noticed families of new quail hatchlings walking around and the parents so warmly guiding and watching them.
- I became more focused on making connections with people in my vicinity rather than people on a social media network.
- Now, I don't want to check my phone unless I am alone, because it's actually kind of rude when you're with someone.

I recommend trying it, even for one day. It's amazing what comes up in that one day.
It's amazing how our culture has become so addicted to our phones and computers. It's all a distraction from what we really need to be focusing on.
Even other addictions like drug and alcohol, shopping, even physical activity. Too much of anything can easily be turned into a bad thing.
We need balance.

Everything becomes much more meaningful when we choose to be in the moment, rather than being somewhere else in our heads when our physical body is right here.

Choose a new pattern.

Namaste.

When life forces you to move on

My first true love is getting married.
So is my long-time best friend...
My heart has been broken many times.
Plenty of times, I thought I was in love.
There comes a time when everyone you have ever loved will leave you...
Sometimes people part ways naturally,
Other times, not so naturally.
Nevertheless, the way things abruptly end sometimes
Is life, forcing you to move on...
Telling you to go out and find what lies ahead, waiting...
You go from full to empty in what seems like such a short amount of time...
You are left with so much space inside, feeling like there is nothing to fill it.
Only, what you don't know at the time is,
That the void comes as a gift, to soon be filled with all the treasures of your heart's desires.
Life has it's ways.

...

My life is, in a sense, empty,
But not in a way that is loneliness or nothingness...

Not at all...

It is empty enough for me to reach out...
to desire...
to want...

But not enough to make me sad...
Not enough to make me cry...
Not enough to make me feel meaningless.

Not at all...

In all the other ways, my life is full...
Full of love,
Full of life,
Full of purpose,
Full of peace...

I choose to live a life of service...
A life that keeps me giving...
A life that never fails to give back.

I am healing.

Every day is a new beginning.
Each second is another chance.
Each breath is another reminder...
To move ahead, and never look back.

See,

I can finally move forward.
Life is forcing me to empty and become refilled again.
Life is giving me another chance.
Life is leading me in a new direction.
Life is teaching me to detach from what no longer serves me...

Life is forcing me to move on.

To make room for change...
Transformation...
New beginnings.

For every end, there is a beginning.
For every beginning, there is an end...\
Whether that be by choice or by death.

Death is a fascinating term.
It can mean so many things...
Like actually dying and leaving this physical body,
Or like ending a cycle of a period, and not actually dying...

For me,

A cycle of my life has ended...
I am now entering a new period.
I have been entering this new period for the past few years...
Only now I am actually realizing it.

One by one,

I have been letting go of things which no longer serve me...
Grow me...
Or make me better.

I am ready to let go.
Or am I?
Am I being forced?

It does not matter.
...
I am letting go.

There is no use to hold on to such useless things...
All they do is add unnecessary weight.
Why walk the path of life carrying hefty empty baggage,
When there is no longer any use for such things?

Those things no longer define me.
Those things are no longer who I am.

Today,

I feel I have let go of the last few things that have held me back
From fully entering this new cycle in my life.

Now,

I feel ready...

I feel ready to fly.