Chewing on things

I haven't blogged in almost two months. I've been writing still... I just moved into my new house at the beginning of July. It's finally coming together, and feeling like home.

I also bought my first puppy :) she is a pit/Aussie mix.

Her name is Durga, although I was GOING to call her Kali, after the dark goddess from the Hindu mythology, because she's black, but I decided I didn't want her to be destructive. So I named her after the goddess of conquering evil with good. She still behaves more like a Kali, since she's a puppy and is curious about everything. She likes to chew on things. Today I experienced her first aggressive outburst, when I attempted to get her away from a dead bird. She snarled at me all mean and bit up my hand...only minor, but nevertheless, it upset me. I have to remember she is just a puppy. I have to go through her crapping and pissing all over my house and even on my bed (and my roommate's bed... Haha). But THIS TOO SHALL PASS! She's still cute and lovable, so I still love her. 

I've also been attending meditation groups at the Buddhist Shambhala Center in Tucson. It's been wonderful doing readings, learning and contemplating the dharma, and just being with people who all want to same thing. Inner peace. 

I am chewing on some stuff. 

We create pain in our own lives. It is tough to understand at first, but true. It makes sense to me now. We attract what we focus on. If we get all bound up in a storyline, rather than focusing on the feeling itself, we create more pain. It's a cycle that can only end if we intervene by changing the way we think. I feel it is an important concept that I wish I had understood in my younger years, although I would not be the same person today, had I not experienced the trials I have. 

Tonglin meditation...

Breathing in all the negative stuff in the world...

Breathing out all the positive stuff in te world.

I had no idea about this in the past, and it would have been so wonderful to know and practice. The thing is, we get into this mind set that we are the only ones suffering and that we are separate from everyone else, when in fact, we are all one. We affect each other. It's important for us to breathe in and feel the pain of the world, then to turn those stabs into flowers...releasing love out to everyone, including ourselves.

Compassion...

We cannot have compassion for others, if we have no compassion for ourselves. What we see in others is a mirror, reflecting ourselves to us. Every experience is a chance to evaluate ourselves and understand ourselves more fully...so that we can love ourselves more fully...so that we can love and understand everyone else. 

We are not separate from each other or from a higher power. We are all one...all affecting and impacting reality. We have so many paths we can take. Time is just a bunch of possibilities waiting to happen, and waiting until we intervene and make a choice...free will. Anything goes. We can create our hell, or we can create our heaven. It is up to us, individually, yet so completely together...

Isn't that amazing?

On a final note, I did 20 urdva danurasanas in class today. And I feel fabulous! Have a nice day. 💜

We are all Butterflies; and the Earth is our Chrysalis

I just recently attended a workshop called Emerge from your Chrysalis State; taught by the lovely Stephani Lindsey, in the beautiful Flagstaff, AZ. I always learn a lot of things from her, as she has been my main teacher since March, 2012, but this time, the main things I learned were not as much physical as they were spiritual. (Although I received a lot of refinement in my alignment, and gained new physical insights throughout the weekend that are sure to deepen and expand my practice). I dug deep within myself to really search for what was not yet found...to find the pieces of me that I have still been missing and needed to recover in order to move forward in my life as well as in my practice.

Patience is my mantra these days. I'm a serious yoga student, with a serious passion for practice and a serious dream to teach, travel teach and do workshops all over the place. It's a burning desire that I've had since I was in high school. I remember the first time I ever tried yoga, I was in my Sophomore PE class in High School. We had yoga once a week for one quarter. I loved it. That's where I learned to do my very first head stand ( Sirsa 2). Ever since this time, it's been a desire that lived in the back of my mind, and would occasionally be sparked by some experience. I remember going through a hard time in high school; depression, anxiety, eating disorders, cutting, and feeling worthless all the time. I remember my doctor prescribing me yoga once. My mom bought me a couple of yoga DVDs and I would do them occasionally...they always seemed to help.  In college, I was reintroduced to yoga when my dear friend Elizabeth Brewer, who was my dorm-mate got me to go to the classes that she taught at places like LA Fitness and the Student Rec Center at the University. I remember at those times, yoga was very hard. Warrior poses were my least favorite, and backbends were things I thought my spine just couldn't do. I left yoga again for a couple of years. When I came back to it, I came back with a lot of baggage...and a lot of wounds, searching for healing and for myself...the self that I had lost throughout the years of trying to impress others, especially my family, as well as the years I lost with my friends and family when I had joined a church that I thought was the best thing for me, but in the end drained me of who I really was. In order to get myself back, I had so much work ahead of me, that it seemed nearly impossible...I found Yoga Oasis in 2012. I wasn't sure what to expect, I was nervous...even a little terrified...but as soon as I walked in, the teacher (who happened to be Stephani) was there to greet me with her kind, warm presence; eyes obviously filled with compassion. I was not nervous anymore. From that moment on, I guess you could say I found my addiction to yoga, and I haven't stopped for more than 2 days ever since.

From the beginning, I feel as if I've been going through the process of metamorphosis. I've always been fascinated by the butterfly, because it goes through a huge series of changes in its one life. It goes from being a caterpillar, crawling on the surface of the earth, to blossoming into a beautiful butterfly, who flies over the earth with such grace and poise, and beauty...it's hard not to be fascinated by such a creature... but I've found, that humans are a lot like butterflies, and the Earth is our chrysalis. We undergo our own radical changes in this one life, in order to become something more beautiful and graceful in the end. My own life feels this way. I went from being in the womb, where I was once connected completely with God, to being born and being taught separateness, to feeling the pain of separateness in my adolescence and early adulthood, to realizing that maybe I'm not separate at all in my 20's. Now 22, I am feeling more connected with everything...less separate...less pain...more peace, because I know, deep down that we are all connected, and this comforts me greatly.

Patience has gotten me here, and patience will take me to where I need to be...I feel like I have broken out of my cocoon, but I still feel like I haven't yet become entirely freed. I'm still sort of...hanging on...because I'm waiting until the time is right...I am waiting until I feel ready...and when I am ready; when the time is right, I'll just know it, and I'll finally be able to fly.

Right now, I know that I am exactly where I need to be. Before, I wanted to just rush into things: relationships, teacher trainings, etc. But the truth is that I have needed to experience the process of metamorphosis first. I needed to learn the teachings, to learn from myself, to learn to love myself...to see everything as a whole...

Today, I feel the most ready to teach yoga than I ever have, but something inside of myself still tells me, "wait, just a little while longer". So I am waiting... I'm not yet there, but I am getting there. I don't know how long it will take, but all I know is that it will take long enough.

Namaste

This is an image I took in Costa Rica, in 2009
Glass Wing Butterfly

Be Your own Best Teacher

“If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.”

~ Confucius

Choosing a teacher, not only in yoga, but in any other life practice or personal hobby, is something that takes a lot of openness, non-judgment, awareness, self-discovery, and most of all, patience. From my own experience, I’ve had to face my own inner demons as I learned to love and trust some of my own cherished teachers in school, as well as in yoga. For the sake of keeping things on topic, we’ll focus on yoga, or anything of this particular nature.

When I first began my yoga practice, I remember going to about 3, 1 hour classes per day (during the school week) and to all different instructors for the first two weeks that I had started up at a particular studio in town (Yoga Oasis, if anyone is interested!). Once those two weeks had come to an end, I was already addicted to yoga, and craved it in my almost every waking moment. I had also found my teacher of choice, as well as a couple of secondary preferences as I progressed in practice.

Throughout the following year, I continued to learn and take in new insights and experiences; triumphs and failures; growth and injuries; expansion and contraction…life progressed… In the beginning, it is easy to nearly ‘worship’ or idolize one’s teacher, at least in my experience; but as time goes on, and more time is spent with a teacher or teachers, the open, honest, and growing student will soon (hopefully) realize that the superficial teacher alone is not the answer. As the Confucius quote implies, the teacher is merely a mirror of both our strengths and weaknesses. We get to see them both, become the good, and correct the not-so-good, but learn to love both just as equally. The teacher is not there to show us perfection. The teacher is there to show us everything…even the not-so-pretty stuff that we typically like to keep ourselves isolated from.

On the surface, I have my teachers that I prefer to go to and learn from over others…but the most amazing development I have had, is my understanding that I am my own best teacher. Only we know ourselves completely, and only we have the power to choose what lessons we learn and what insights we take in. All lessons are taken in by choice…and that is why I choose to be my own best teacher. The teachers I find outside of myself are simply there because I subconsciously chose them (whether I like it, or not) to show me the pieces of myself that still need my awareness, understanding, love, and light. They are there as guides, lights, messengers, mirrors, friends, peers, and examples to live by. The best (and maybe scariest) part of this whole matter is, you could be someone else’s mirror…so, what is it that you would most like to reflect? 

When Latent Emotions are Uprooted...

Emotions are just like the weather. Some days are sunny, some are rainy, some are windy, some are warm, some are cold, and so on...Today, the Tucson skies have been overcast, but the kind of overcast that brings no rain. Within myself, my mood has been very passive, receptive, and thoughtful, but nothing extreme. During some intense yoga, I could feel something nudging my heart; you know that sudden heaviness of the heart that happens when you feel upset or heart broken. I couldn't get it to go away, so I Just sat with it for the rest of the class. I think I probably became very single-pointed after discovering what I now believe was a latent feeling that I hadn't dealt with...something that I believe has been covered up for months, or maybe even years...something which I believe has been added to over time, and finally my subtle body couldn't handle any more of the weight. I focused on keeping centered and calm, and it went fairly well, and I left class in good spirits.
I didn't have to work this evening, and only have a few assignments I need to work on for school, so I decided to treat myself to some lunch...
Then the feeling came back again, triggered by an outside circumstance that stirred the pot of my already loosened up emotional state. I had trouble enjoying my food, and I left, and then I just started to cry in my car...unaware of the exact reason why, feeling like I was absolutely crazy and stupid because I have nothing to be crying about. I gathered myself for the most part, and started to drive home...the tears kept flowing, uncontrollably. I started thinking about why I could be so emotional right now, and several thoughts drifted in and out of my mind. At first, thoughts of the outer circumstances came up, but I just knew it was something much deeper than that...it's always much deeper. I finally settled on 'abandonment'. I've been abandoned several times in my life; the first experience was being abandoned by my biological father, and then by people along my life journey, men and women alike; friends and boyfriends.
Then I started thinking about myself more...and I realized that I am a lover. I tend to have people that I love more deeply than others; sometimes that love is reciprocated, but when it is not, it's like a knife in my heart. It's when it isn't reciprocated where I tend to find everything that could possibly be wrong with me, and say see, it's "all my fault"....but is it really? Or is there just a lack of communication? I think it's always a two-way street. Whatever happens on one side of the equation will happen to the other side...that's just how the universe works... I've gotten to the point to where I am afraid to say "I love you" to people, or to hug people unless they come to me, because of my fear of being rejected, dropped, abandoned... how does one deal with such a deep rooted experience that has manifested itself in their life? I guess like most other things, recognizing it is the first step to recovery...
although I am a much stronger person now than I have ever been, I am still healing; and I will most likely be healing for the rest of my life. It's all a part of the journey, right?...

The days on which we find ourselves the most sensitive, tender, and vulnerable are the days which have the most to teach us. An outer circumstance may hurt or upset us.... But truthfully, it is by consequence of how we are thinking about and responding to outside influences that ultimately determine how we feel.

" Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn't have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends." ~Unknown

Anything can happen

I just feel like giving you guys an update. :) I'm not feeling super philosophical at the moment, because I'm sleepy and I'm having a bit of an issue in my left forearm, so it's a little difficult to type without any pain. I am trying not to use my pinkie or ring finger, and keep my wrists down as I type to make it easier. :P

The pain started about a week ago...it was just a twinge that I thought was nothing and was going to go away fast. It ended up getting a lot worse, and today it's pretty painful, maybe because I had super Dr. Eric mess with it yesterday when I went to see him to get a rib back in, and then today I finally got the guts to tell Steph that my arm was bothering me. I hate admitting that something's wrong. I don't like having an injury. It makes me feel like a failure...but I'm working on that. I know that this isn't from yoga...I remember it started at work last week, and then I worked all weekend in the kitchen. It's probably from lifting heavy things. I'd assume so...it could be more than just one thing contributing. I'm really watching how I place my hands in yoga practice. Anyway, I got my arm manhandled by Stephani after telling her (it was painfully good...I'm so grateful). She mentioned it could be partly a shoulder issue. Anyway, I have to shout out to the world that she's a FANTASTIC masseuse. Go to her.

The word of the day was Playfulness, and then there was the phrase, "anything can happen"...for sure. You never know.

I wish I would have said something about my arm sooner, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad right now. I mean, it's not the end of the world or anything, it's just that I could have prevented it from getting to this point. I did my research on the area, and found out that it appears to be ECU tendonitis (extensor carpi ulnaris). I did the diagnostic test I found online (pretty cool that you can do that these days). It hurt in the places it said it would if the ECU was involved. The joints connecting my wrist to my ulna, and my ulna to my elbow are where it hurts the most. It also hurts on the back of the hand in between the ring and pinkie fingers. I'm also feeling some tendonitis pain in my left ankle from an old soccer injury. I'm going to juice up on ginger and turmeric this week, starting tomorrow (anti-inflamitory aides of nature!). :)  anyway, enough of that. 

Besides the arm issue, I just wanted to write about how grateful I am lately, and that I feel so blessed to be where I am today. School is going well, and I am almost finished. I am excited to start a new chapter in my life, but I'm also improving at being 'in the moment'. It's great. I'm having an easier time paying attention in my school classes now. It was a rough road last semester, trying to find that balance.

I have amazing friends that I've been able to share good words and lots of love with. I'm in love with them, and I'm so happy to be sharing this life with such wonderful kindred spirits.

Tabetha and I got a new roommate. Her English name is Judy; she's from China, but has lived in the states a while. The only downer is that she doesn't speak much English, nor does she understand it; but at least we can share smiles. That's always nice :) She's in her upper 30s, and she's always cleaning our dishes. Pretty sweet, and kind of a miracle. ha! She just wants to, so I guess I don't see anything wrong wiith that. Tabetha and I are a little OCD though, so we have to check to see if they are clean. It's pretty hilarious.

I feel like I was going to write about something in particular earlier today, but I forgot what it was...I'm sure it'll come back to me in the next few days, and I'll be on that. I just wanted you all to know I'm hanging in there, and that I hope you all are too! Never forget we're all in this life together. I've got to remind myself every day. 

Take care, Love and Wellness to you all! And please pray for me and my tendon issues lately. I'd really appreciate the kind loving thoughts <3

 oh, and...'If you want, ask, or pray for something, be willing to trust the process...

 because the process isn't always the lightest, easiest, or the brightest.

xoxo

If you haven't cried by the end of 2012...

If you haven't cried by then end of 2012, you must have been MIA...I'm not talking baby tears. I'm talking full on sob-mania. There is just something about this year in particular, that has been extremely heavy on the heart; not only for myself, but for at least 95% of the people I know. Whether we have faced death, breakups, unrequited love, physical illness, depression, or anxiety, we have all experienced something, or maybe some things that have made this year an extra difficult one. Collectively, we have all suffered or are currently suffering the pain of separateness...loneliness...no matter how many friends we make, or how much socializing we do, by the end of the day, we come home, take off our "I'm perfectly fine" mask, and everything settles back into reality. The dishes sit dirty in the sink, the laundry pile is mountain high on the bed, the bills sit passively on the table, the dog still needs to be walked and fed, dinner still needs to be made...but wait, I have no food, and the store is closing soon.... and so on...the list never ends, it seems, and the cycle repeats itself day after day...this is the life of the average adult...or pretty close to it. This is where I am grateful for my daily practice...yoga, meditation, breathing, writing, reading...these activities seem to make my life a lot more mindful, as well as meaningful, and I find that when I perform these activities regularly, I'm a much happier and well centered human being. But what happens when we are knocked off course? What happens when we receive bad news, or are criticized, or are faced with a serious problem of some kind? What is it that we do? Some people say "just be calm, and it will get better" I used to say that...I used to live by that principle...but there are others who say, "Let yourself have your mood, damnit!" and I am starting to live by this. Emotions are felt, because they need to be felt. Emotions are there, not to be ignored or numbed, but to be processed and understood. They are God given blessings, no matter how much they hurt, or for how long they hurt. If they are just placed on the back burner to be forgotten about and untended to, then the pile will quickly add up, and it won't take much in order to reach a breaking point. I say, feel the little agitations, the little bouts of sadness, the little bouts of anger and heartache. Allow tears to flow when they start to swell your eyelids...don't force them back...it isn't healthy. The breaking point is an unhealthy place to come to...bad thoughts accompany this level of unkempt emotional baggage. Allow all emotions to process before coming to this point. Allow yourself to understand and accept why it is that you are feeling so.

Today was Christmas. It's a holiday of great joy and gathering. It was the darkest day of the year, and what is supposed to be the most joyous and celebrated day, landed on the darkest and most emotional day for many. There was Christmas yoga today at Yoga Oasis studio, which I am extremely grateful for. I have been on the edge of tears for the past few days, because of some news that I recieved, as well as other emotions that were due for processing. It was a 1hr 15min class, and I cried the whole time. Even in Savasana. The best part is, I didn't try to stop it. I just let it flow, just like I was letting my body flow. The heart openers really got me rolling, thank God for that...in all honesty, and the tear flow and heart sobbing continued a good few hours after. After class, I found support and love from some of my dearest peers. We talked about how if only everyone were more real, the world would be such a better place. We ask each other all the time, "How are you?" and the response, "I'm good, and you?" and the response, "I'm good, thanks." And about 90% of the time, it's complete b.s. We need to stop with the b.s. and get real in order to heal humanity. We're all in the same boat. We all go through pain and heartache. We all experience love and death. We all know! We all understand! We just need to let go and let love in. Why is it that we are so afraid to trust each other? If we all had faith and trusted in one another, imagine what would become of this world. I'm not saying go forth and tell everyone all of your problems. What I am saying is that when you are hurting, when you are in pain, don't just let yourself be there alone. Chances are, there's someone in your life willing to listen and be there. And if someone comes to you, hurting...remember that you would want the same support if you are in pain. Life is reciprocal. We get back what we give. It's the law of nature. That's just the way it is. So I leave this here...as I just needed to process my own thoughts and insights after a very emotional and dark day. Thankfully, I had friends who reminded me of the light within. Namaste.