Starting with Self

mind·ful·ness

ˈmīndfəlnəs/

noun

1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Mindfulness comes to mind now for me, more than ever...or maybe I'm just being more mindful about mindfulness... 

Maybe it started with jamming my thumb due to lack of awareness...or the speeding ticket I received on my way to a yoga workshop out of town...or maybe forgetting little (and big) things here and there over the course of the past couple of weeks. 

What I've noticed about my mindfulness [or lack thereof] is that the busier I become, the more scattered my thoughts get, the less aware, the less thoughtful, the more rushed, the more prone to injury, the more anxious I tend to be. As a result, my negative self talk increases, and I fall into old habits and patterns due to the negative mindset...and as a result, I become even harder on myself. It is a vicious cycle that continues until mindfulness is brought back there. 

I choose to write about this, because this has been my struggle lately. This struggle has brought up many latent feelings that have not yet been dealt with, as well as many negative patterns that were never completely resolved. The unhealthy patterns are in fact symptoms of a bigger problem. 

I remember when we were on retreat in Costa Rica last November, we discussed a model that encompassed different parts of oneself- like the True Self, the Wounded/Hurt Self, and the Protective Self. I have returned to this model as a tool to reconnect with my True Self once again. 

A lot of times, when the parts of us who have been wounded or hurt are reminded of the pain by some circumstance that is similar in any way to the way we were harmed before, it is like rubbing salt in a wound...yeah, pretty painful. When we begin to feel that pain, we fall back into those old patterns in a strange way to [the way is seems] protect ourselves from experiencing that pain again. 

I'm working on being more mindful when things like this start happening in my own life; like right now...

When we bring our attention to these aspects of ourselves, that is when we can begin to heal the wounds. We cannot be self defeating in this process. That will only make matters worse. We have to set boundaries with our ego...that part of us that tells us that we are "not good enough" or that we are "a failure". The only way to go about this is by and through love...compassion...understanding...and the willingness to take action and get through it. 

I am fortunate to have wonderful people in my life who serve as constant teachers and reminders of these principles. I am blessed to have friends who support me and tell me what I need to hear in the moment...who help me to toughen up and to do what is right for myself...who remind me that I matter...that I need to take care of myself and be the warrior and hero of my own life. 

A simple fact of life is that, as my friend said today, "there will always be shit. If we didn't have any shit to work on, we'd all be just sitting here with nothing to do, like 'I'm so blissed out right now'".
So...we're all just here, doing our best. That's all we really can do. But it's how we do it that really counts. It's how mindful we are being while living this life that makes life yay or nay. It's how we think about it, respond to it, and decide to live it out. We are in fact, in charge of our own life. We are not responsible for anyone else (unless we have kids, but that's only about 18 years of life, but even so, we are not even responsible for our children, in the sense that we cannot and should not try to control their thoughts and opinions). 

I invite all of you to join the "MINDFULNESS" club with me...and to create a better wold...starting with Self.

NAMASTE