A Deeper Wisdom

4/8: 12:05 am...
There is a deeper wisdom that lies within each and every one of us. Her name is Intuition. She comes around at the most crucial times...times that are critical to the direction our life will lead us in. This is why it is important to listen to her. I call Intuition a female, whether she resides in a man or woman, because Intuition is feminine. She is circular, rounded, creative, insightful, and wise. The masculine is Logic (mind), brother of Intuition (heart). Logic is linear, sharp, and instructive. Without one, we are imbalanced. We need both to thrive and to lead our lives to the fullest.




I was raised in an extremely Logic-filled environment, and matters of the heart were kept quiet. I had much difficulty because of this situation, but now, I am grateful for what it has taught me. It has caused me to long for my intuition...to want to listen...to care.




4/9: 12:05 am...

Today I was told by a co-worker that I smell "comforting". I thought it was a nice compliment. :)
Then I was told by the Chef at work, who used to be my boss, that I "look good! Must be all that yoga! You're always glowing!"...then he tells me "You need a boyfriend"... I want one, that's for sure...but they are extremely hard to come by. I've been so picky all my life, and then again I haven't been picky enough and land myself into relationships that suck the life out of me. I told a friend the other day, "If there's anyone out there just right for me, he's probably just like I am, a busy body who doesn't ever 'hang out', and if I do hang out, it's a rarity...thus, we might never find each other...let alone, notice...each other...."

True that.




My thoughts are scrambled tonight...seems like I have much more to write about, but I'm feeling blocked...so I will save it for another time. Namaste.




...ok, nevermind. I remembered something.




I think I was born into this life for a purpose greater than I ever realized. I was thinking about it on my drive home from work...how in every situation I've been in, within ever relationship I have ever had with anyone...I've always wanted to understand and grow from it. It's like my soul wants to be here to learn, and it's so powerful that it overrides my emotions most of the time...but it allows me to experience the feeling first, and once the feeling has been released, my spirit has been cleansed enough to gain clarity and insight to the experience. It's comforting to think of it in such a way...

It's as if I asked to come here for the purpose to experience, understand, and learn from life...




I am an extremely emotional being, and deeply spiritual being...I've always been more emotionally and spiritually adept, more so than intellectually and physically. Once I began my yoga practice, combining that physical movement and body awareness with emotional and spiritual self, I began to develop further and am here, now, writing this insight I just had 30 minutes ago. I've always been a deep thinker as well, and hated being in school, where they told me how to think, how to do, how to be, how to feel...all I ever wanted was to figure it out by myself, and I didn't want anyone telling me I was wrong. I was very bull headed as a child...probably got that from my dad. ;)

I feel very balanced these days...much more than in my past. I was often off center most of my life, until I found yoga and dedicated my life to it, and heard and accepted the calling to become a teacher. It's another great purpose I have in this life, and I'm just so thrilled that I have been called to do such a great deed for the world, by nature of the universe and by the will of my higher power...God/Goddess...Alah...Shiva...Krishna...Durga...Kali....Masculine...Feminine...all is one anyway.




We all have a great purpose...and sometimes...often times...that requires many different deeds...We just have to trust and have faith, and the universe always provides...it's the law of attraction. It's the way of the world...it's nature...it is love. Pure, powerful, raw, unconditional LOVE...

Namaste...for reals this time... <3 br="">

Let's Get Real

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."

~Steve Furtick


True story. I can absolutely, 100% relate. It is so very easy to watch ourselves become jealous of someone else's "picture perfect" life, especially in this social media consumed age. Now, I just have to make it clear before continuing on, that I am not saying I am against social media or that I am blaming social media for any sort of negativity or anything like that...I just have a few thoughts I've been pondering as of late.


Picture this:
You are an avid 'yogi'/'yogini' living in a tropical climate by the ocean, or living up high in the mountains with breathtaking scenery all around you. You can balance in hand stands forever, and you're extremely flexible and can do the most difficult yoga postures known to man... yeah...If I were that person, I would probably be snapping photos of myself in the middle of beautiful nature, in some sort of crazy twisted yoga posture.


...People do it all the time. Take instagram for instance. Hash tag this (#), hash tag that... Challenge this, challenge that...who can do the best hand stand in the best location...who can put their feet farthest behind their head...and THEN do an arm balance...


For a while, I found myself getting caught up in all the IG monthly challenges. It was fun, I tried new things, and it kept me busy...but the time I spent getting into a pose was nothing compared to the time I spent analyzing myself in the photo. I was constantly comparing myself to others, and even felt myself becoming jealous of my IG peers. It wasn't healthy. It became a competition. It was no longer yoga. . .


You see, what we see on IG isn't always true reality. Just because someone has a perfect posture in a perfect environment, doesn't mean that this person has a perfect life. They could be truly hurting inside, or not in a good place in life, or not happy in general. It made me start thinking..."could I be making people feel bad about themselves too?" Probably... The truth of nature is this...how we perceive the world is but a reflection of ourselves...A lense which goes deeper within than imaginable.


I stopped doing IG challenges, because I started to realize that the competition wasn't for me.. Yoga means so much more to me than a photo on instagram. Yes, I do post pictures of myself in a hand stand or in a pose from time to time...but more for the purpose of being artistic. I have a love for photography, the body, and yoga. But I have vowed to not mess with the angle of a photo as a means to make my pose (or body) better (skinnier, stronger, etc) anymore...


My whole reason for posting this is to let people know that there is more to a person that what they post (or don't post) for the world to see...and whatever they do post, don't take it personally by thinking that they "have it better" than you. Each and every one of us has our own lives to live...we should not be obsessing over the life of another person, wishing our life was more like theirs...that's just wasting our lives away...


I had a conversation with one of my yoga buddies on the way to Flagstaff for a workshop I attended with Christina Sell last weekend, where we talked about how a lot of people have become yoga teachers for the sake of self fulfillment, and not primarily to be 'of service'. It's a hot career choice these days, especially for women...there is a lot of beauty industry forcing its way into the world of yoga, and honestly...frankly...it does not belong there. Yoga is not about how the body looks. It does not matter whether you are overweight, underweight, or even 'just right'...(what is 'just right' anyway)...It does not matter whether you wear Lululemon or your favorite pajama pants to yoga class...your ability to move comfortably matters. Your self worth does not depend on a yoga pose, yoga clothes, or your body type, whether your skin is clear or broken out. Your self worth depends on you alone, without any outside influence. We are our own person, and beautiful just the way we are. There's nothing wrong with who you are. If you want to do something to change your appearance, do it for you alone...not for someone else.


In the workshop, Christina stated "It works if it works, except for when it doesn't"...hey, totally applicable in life as well as in yoga. What works for someone else may not work for you--in yoga, in life, etc. It's not a one-size fits-all world we live in. We are all different, we think different...HELL! You may not agree with what I'm writing here, but that's totally okay as well. What kind of a world would it be if we didn't all have different thoughts, ideas, and beliefs? I think it'd be kind of lame to be honest. The fact of the matter is, we just need to start being more real with who we are. We need to stop pretending to be someone we are not. We need to just follow our bliss and be confident with ourselves, and not let others influence our own happiness...It's no one else's to claim but ours. We need to stop comparing our behind the scenes to everyone else's highlight reel, and start living our lives the in the truest and most honest way.


All of this has been floating through my head for the past few days...and damn does it feel good to finally get it all out...


Namaste.

ONE Love

I sit here typing this in my bed, alone...as always it's just me, myself, and I. I ponder on the subject of love and relationships...like the romantic type, and I wonder...where have I gone wrong?

I'm not afraid to be real...to show the world my vulnerable side. I feel that if I didn't allow this part of me to become available to the world, eventually I'd fake myself out...and everyone else, and become someone that I'm not entirely. And with this side of me available to the world, I can maybe bring comfort to those with the same feelings or going throughs as myself...creating a common bond and a common understanding...

__

It seems as though everyone I know is in a good relationship, is married, and/or already has children...all my age, and even the ones younger than myself. What is it that I have done over the years that has caused me to be alone? I go through the motions, and I wonder...why am I alone? What's wrong with me? Why does no one want to be with me? I have searched within myself and have found things that needed to be fixed, and I have worked and worked and worked...but the only thing that has come of all of that work is a whole lot of self love...but that's still something to be grateful for...for sure...and it means more than anything else really...but there's still the part of me that desires a mate...someone to help me along life's journey. Someone who isn't going to leave me hanging...who will love me for me, and who will just "be there"...

I keep hearing the whole "you shouldn't date people from work" and "you shouldn't date people from yoga" and "you shouldn't date people" here and there...but what gives? Well HOW do you expect to find someone outside of all of your activities when you don't ever go anywhere else? How about if you're sober and don't hang out in clubs, bars, etc. Tell me then, where does one look in cases like these? I suppose one could resort to online dating, but I've been down that road, and that relationship didn't go so great...so what gives?

I am tired...tired of waiting. I'm almost ready to give up and stop believing in that kind of love...at least for me...

Maybe my "one" doesn't even exist...

I know I'm "still young"...as I hear a lot...but honestly, no one knows how long they are going to live...and everyone in this life deserves to experience love...no matter who they are or what they have done.

I sit here, becoming teary eyed now...not because I feel sorry for myself, but because within myself, there is love which flows over and spills into every inch of my being...so much that I have contained within myself that I need someone to give some of that love to...I feel that. It's a mixture between pain and bliss. It's the only emotion that can make me feel this way...angry, sad, lonely, hurt, happy, joyful, peaceful, and so many more...

I have so much...maybe too much love to give...and I am struggling, with no one on the receiving end.

That is all I have...

Beauty in Silence

When I was introduced to yoga, I was introduced to the kind that involved music of some sort in the back ground. I also remember always using music to run back in the day, and would never go for a run without it...Then I remember trying running without music, and it was extremely meditative...hearing my breath, listening to the birds, my feet hitting the ground, cars passing by, people talking, etc...I began to like it...and the plus side was that I didn't need to carry something extra with me...

So, on to yoga...

One day, in class, we practiced without music. I remember feeling very frustrated and agitated at little things around me and within myself...probably things I would ignore had I had the music to distract me... then as we kept practicing, day after day, musicless (I know it's not a word), I began to enjoy it. Hearing the entire class breathing together as one, especially during Surya Namaskara, where there's a particular placement of the breath to the postures, was a magical experience to me.

When music is playing, we get lost in the lyrics, or the beat, or whatever...if we know the song well, we sing along with it in our heads. That's just how we are wired. But I noticed that when there is music playing, it's actually more difficult to focus on the words of the teacher and on the body and mind. Actually, I feel that with music, it's almost more advanced, because it requires so much extra effort to focus. I for one like to practice both with and without music, but I wanted to lay out a few of the pros and cons of each. Sometimes, when I teach, I do so without music, because it gives the students a new experience and a different perspective on practice...showing that music is not necessary for the experience...it's actually kind of a luxury.

The PROS of music in yoga classes:

1. It is something to focus on.
Some music, like instrumental, non vocal, or mantra, can create a positive inner dialogue, or just create a comfortable atmosphere for the students and teachers.

2. It creates a mood.
 Slow music for yin/restorative classes, and up beat music for yang/fast paced classes. Music choice for the type of class that is being taught is crucial and could make or break a class, believe it or not.

3. Gives the instructor and students a sense of time.
 the instructor can use music as a timer instead of a watch, and the students can feel a sense of ease having something like music (how many songs have played, and so on) as an awareness of time passing, and not feeling so much like "when is it going to end?" (great for beginners)

The CONS of music in yoga classes:

1. Not everyone appreciates the same music
I've been in classes before, where people are like "I hate this song." or "omg, make it stop." Of course, I've had teachers who straight out ask us to tell them if the music is bothersome, and they change it or turn it completely off if it is.

2. Music can bring up emotions
I've actually cried because of a song, felt angry because of a song, and felt excited because of a song. I'm sensitive like that, and so are a lot of people out there. It's important to explore the emotions we are feeling. "Where is this emotion coming from, and what has triggered it? What can I do to soothe what I am feeling and to use it as a learning tool? Is it coming from the music, or is it coming from my body?"

3. Music can be distracting
I've been in classes where people start talking about the music, getting distracted from the practice and stating things like "I saw them in concert once" or again, "I hate this music" or "I can't believe you've never heard of them!" etc. It's like derailing the train of practice, and distracting for everyone. Including the instructor.
--

I do not oppose the inclusion of music in yoga classes, so long as it is not distracting. A lot of times, the asana itself will bring out latent emotions, particularly heart and hip openers (for me personally), and I feel that it is important to bring our awareness to those places inside of ourselves, rather than distract ourselves from them with something on the outside.

When I do choose to include music in a class I teach, or even when I am practicing in my home, I like to steer clear of negative messages, sexual messages, drug references, party references, etc. I like to steer more towards either mantra music, instrumental music, or music that sends an over all positive message, like Matisyahu "live like a warrior" for example. A lot of times, my home practice is silent.

When we are in a class, and we have no control over music choice, and we absolutely hate the music, it is our responsibility to block out the music and just focus on the words of the instructor, and the movement of our body. If that's just not cutting it, after class, pull the instructor aside and simply let them know how you feel. Most instructors love getting feedback from their students. I know I do. We are here to serve, and we are always looking for ways to improve our skills and teaching techniques. Don't be shy :)

And instructors, when a student gives you feedback, remember not to take it personally. It's just feed back. They probably read this blog. ;) Chances are, if they are still coming to your class, they really like your teaching and most likely, they really like YOU. Don't sweat it. Just receive the information and use it to guide you to improving your methods.

I hope you enjoyed my insight for today. It came to me quickly. Be well.

NAMASTE <3 p="">

Starting with Self

mind·ful·ness

ˈmīndfəlnəs/

noun

1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Mindfulness comes to mind now for me, more than ever...or maybe I'm just being more mindful about mindfulness... 

Maybe it started with jamming my thumb due to lack of awareness...or the speeding ticket I received on my way to a yoga workshop out of town...or maybe forgetting little (and big) things here and there over the course of the past couple of weeks. 

What I've noticed about my mindfulness [or lack thereof] is that the busier I become, the more scattered my thoughts get, the less aware, the less thoughtful, the more rushed, the more prone to injury, the more anxious I tend to be. As a result, my negative self talk increases, and I fall into old habits and patterns due to the negative mindset...and as a result, I become even harder on myself. It is a vicious cycle that continues until mindfulness is brought back there. 

I choose to write about this, because this has been my struggle lately. This struggle has brought up many latent feelings that have not yet been dealt with, as well as many negative patterns that were never completely resolved. The unhealthy patterns are in fact symptoms of a bigger problem. 

I remember when we were on retreat in Costa Rica last November, we discussed a model that encompassed different parts of oneself- like the True Self, the Wounded/Hurt Self, and the Protective Self. I have returned to this model as a tool to reconnect with my True Self once again. 

A lot of times, when the parts of us who have been wounded or hurt are reminded of the pain by some circumstance that is similar in any way to the way we were harmed before, it is like rubbing salt in a wound...yeah, pretty painful. When we begin to feel that pain, we fall back into those old patterns in a strange way to [the way is seems] protect ourselves from experiencing that pain again. 

I'm working on being more mindful when things like this start happening in my own life; like right now...

When we bring our attention to these aspects of ourselves, that is when we can begin to heal the wounds. We cannot be self defeating in this process. That will only make matters worse. We have to set boundaries with our ego...that part of us that tells us that we are "not good enough" or that we are "a failure". The only way to go about this is by and through love...compassion...understanding...and the willingness to take action and get through it. 

I am fortunate to have wonderful people in my life who serve as constant teachers and reminders of these principles. I am blessed to have friends who support me and tell me what I need to hear in the moment...who help me to toughen up and to do what is right for myself...who remind me that I matter...that I need to take care of myself and be the warrior and hero of my own life. 

A simple fact of life is that, as my friend said today, "there will always be shit. If we didn't have any shit to work on, we'd all be just sitting here with nothing to do, like 'I'm so blissed out right now'".
So...we're all just here, doing our best. That's all we really can do. But it's how we do it that really counts. It's how mindful we are being while living this life that makes life yay or nay. It's how we think about it, respond to it, and decide to live it out. We are in fact, in charge of our own life. We are not responsible for anyone else (unless we have kids, but that's only about 18 years of life, but even so, we are not even responsible for our children, in the sense that we cannot and should not try to control their thoughts and opinions). 

I invite all of you to join the "MINDFULNESS" club with me...and to create a better wold...starting with Self.

NAMASTE 

Teaching Insight

These are my thoughts, and this is something I feel I must share. A good friend of mine came to my yoga class this evening. Afterwards, she expressed that it was just what she needed, especially after attending a disappointing all-levels class and crying about it in the studio parking lot afterwards. It seemed to me that the teacher was 1)being ridiculously hard on them, 2) choosing to begin the class by talking about something negative, and 3) not giving adequate instruction for a class that sounded {more intermediate/advanced}

Most people, if not all, come to yoga seeking a positive experience...or maybe just a tough workout. But I don't believe that anyone comes to yoga to have a negative experience.

The instructor may not have been aware of the negativity that was surrounding that class, and the students are always responsible for the way that they feel...but I do feel that as a yoga instructor, or as anyone in any leadership roll, it is important to be gentle with our students. They are delicate...physically, mentally, and emotionally. As a student, I want my boundaries to be respected, and to be given adequate information and cues throughout the class.

Yoga is an intimate practice. A chance to become introspective. Teaching a hard class is not just about kicking everyone's asses - it's about bringing them to their threshold, making them sweat a lot by building heat through core training, surya namaskara, balancing poses, and maybe a couple of arm balances here and there...not making the whole all levels class arm balances (unless it's a workshop intended to be that way), and showing them what is possible, but remembering to instruct and give them the tools they need in order to advance. Without that instruction, the student becomes lost, and maybe upset because they don't understand.

I'm not bashing anyone, but I am only sharing the insight I received when I heard my friend's story. Yoga is about balance. We can't be too firey, too watery, or to airy...we need all three elements in order to make it feel good. You know? 

Give Only Your Best

The lesson has been to remain attentive, as all around me there are lessons, or opportunities for learning, growth, expansion into a better version of myself. I was just talking with my co-worker this afternoon of how we often times look outside of ourselves for something or someone to be our greatest teacher, or greatest friend, or greatest lover – when…if we only learn to pay attention to the world around us, we will notice how much life mirrors our inner world – and we can then turn inward and see ourselves as our greatest teacher, our greatest friend, and our greatest lover. I’ve learned that we are much more powerful that we give ourselves credit for being. I’ve also learned that the less I judge myself, the less I feel judged by others around me…the more compassion, understanding, and love that is reciprocated…amazing, isn’t it?

The above paragraph is a comment I posted on a dear friend's blog, which is in perfect alignment with my thoughts and contemplations this evening. Life is never not a struggle; there will always be suffering; but it is what we make of our suffering that determines the outcome of ...well, the outcome.

The year 2013 came and went, and I have again grown tremendously from all the experiences I've endured. Endure...such a great word. To endure is "to suffer (something painful or difficult) patiently; to remain in existence." as quoted by the Google search dictionary. We endure to become stronger, more able and capable people. We endure, and where we were once broken, we become more steady and more 'durable' than before. Durable is derived from the word Endure...and that makes a whole lot of sense now.

At the end of 2012, I remember being in a dark and broken place...a place that I thought at the time was unhealthy, and a place that shouldn't be visited...now, I no longer feel that way. The broken place...rock bottom, is a place which we should visit, if not one, but multiple times in our lives. I find that when I'm in this place, I become more open to what the universe has to offer. I become more open and receiving to God. My heart is cracked wide open, and my mind is looking for peace. 2012 was a year of breaking...2013 was a year of healing and dreaming...and 2014? It's too soon to tell, but I feel deep down that it is a year of blossoming...manifesting...becoming...It is a golden year...one which I feel will be big and beautiful.

I am in the process of signing up for a teacher training this summer. I have said over and over again for the past two years that I would become certified by the end of 2014...and that has manifested, I know. I feel. I have gained much insight and wisdom just by paying attention to my life...the omens...the experiences...the people around me...and really hearing, seeing, and understanding what they were all trying to tell me. My journey has only just begun...but a remarkable journey it will be. I'm almost finished reading a book called "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. It is a beautiful work, filled with much wisdom. He writes,

 "We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity."

The journey is what makes everything worth it. The journey is more important than the treasure we are longing and searching for. The journey is the experience...the beautiful experience. The longing for the treasure...the suffering...is what keeps us living and keeps us motivated to keep on going.
Stephani Lindsey  my teacher, friend, and sister of my heart read a quote from D.R. Butler that I must also share; because it is too beautiful and wise not to:

"We are always relating to our own Self. We are always relating to the mirror of the Universe. Therefore send only good energy and good feelings. Give only your best; give only blessings. Don't worry about having to be anyone or do anything or respond to someone in any certain way. Simply give others your best, wish them your best, be an uplifting energy in their lives."

Namaste.

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success in common hours...in proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness." Henry David Thoreau