I sit at the foot of my bed, next to my window, thinking, contemplating, planning, observing... The sky is clouded with remnants of the firework smoke from last night. The 4th of July...probably one of the most dangerous holidays, but typically a fun one. My day was simple; I worked from the morning into mid-afternoon, found myself exhausted and took a nap, woke up about 2 hours later and thought, "What should I do?" I have the tendency to think that "no one wants to spend time with me." So, instead of making myself feel better, and talking myself back up, I let my NMA (negative mental attitude) take over. I did eventually put on fun clothing and headed out to a fairground near downtown to watch the A-Mountain fireworks, but left, because one, I was freaked out by some of the people there, and two, I was embarrassed to be alone.
My roommates asked me to come watch fireworks with them later, near Marana, just on the outskirts of Tucson, so I went ahead. They were beautiful, loud, and hypnotizing. I watched, in awe, and lost myself in thought...
"I miss him...."
It's hard getting out of relationships, and it is especially hard when there are holidays surrounding the time of the breakup.
The brush caught fire, and the fireworks stopped; my roommates and I ran towards the fire (like idiots) to get a closer look...it wasn't horrible, but it was risky for sure; luckily the fire squad had it all under control. The desert is dry, and it is so easy for things like this to happen. Eventually they started the works back up again, and finished with a "bang" (no pun intended). It was pretty spectacular but I couldn't help but feel this emptiness inside of me...something was missing. I ended up coming home after all of that, not wanting to be part of drinking and drugging; wanting to stay sober. Other things about the evening had my NMA screaming at me like there was no tomorrow. For some reason, this night was harder than most for me to get out...maybe because I'm used to having a strong support system standing by when I need them, and this time, I just had myself....I had to self soothe...
I'm trialing Bikram Yoga for 30 days at Tucson's only actual Bikram studio. Some of my yoga buddies and work buddies finally talked me into making that one month commitment. My first day was Wednesday; I happened to like it; there were parts that I disliked, but overall it was a good experience...and you can't beat the after-effect. I'm going again this morning, around 10. It is kind of nice being able to have a really focused atmosphere like this to go into and just practice. I love having my fun classes at the Oasis as well. I feel like between the two, I'm gaining balance and stability, and the ability to transition quickly without falling on my face. In Bikram, it's much more difficult to hold your ground. The poses are all basic standing and floor postures, but the heat makes it extremely crazy hard. The teacher I had on Wednesday, Diane, compared it to the "wave effect", where there are climactic states we all reach, and then calm and composed states. My climactic state felt like "OMG, I'm going to pass out." but I didn't. I pushed through the discomfort and made it out alive. I felt very pleased with myself when it was over. I found it intriguing how the sequence is built for this. It brings you to your peak, and just when you feel like it's going to be over, there's a 'head-below-heart' posture that brings you back into your body a little bit.
The only way to make discomfort go away is to push through it; you can't hop around it, over it, or under it...otherwise, there is no lesson learned...no growth. The idea is to temper the fire within, and to keep the mind calm, steady, and focused... A calm, steady, and focused mind keeps the body from collapsing and freaking out. The body will almost always follow what the mind says. It's mind over matter, no matter what the situation is, no matter how uncomfortable we get. Everything is always changing. We can't choose how people treat us, talk to us, or feel about us; but we can choose how we are going to respond. If it's too hot, am I going to freak out and fan the flames? or am I going to stay composed and walk through my feelings, so that I can better understand myself and ultimately everyone and everything around me when I'm through?
It's all about the journey; everyone's journey is their own. Each person has the choice whether to make the journey suck, or to make it amazing. I want mine to be amazing. I want every experience to be wonderful. I want to keep learning, expanding, exceeding the limits of my own mind. Life is what you make it....
My roommates asked me to come watch fireworks with them later, near Marana, just on the outskirts of Tucson, so I went ahead. They were beautiful, loud, and hypnotizing. I watched, in awe, and lost myself in thought...
"I miss him...."
It's hard getting out of relationships, and it is especially hard when there are holidays surrounding the time of the breakup.
The brush caught fire, and the fireworks stopped; my roommates and I ran towards the fire (like idiots) to get a closer look...it wasn't horrible, but it was risky for sure; luckily the fire squad had it all under control. The desert is dry, and it is so easy for things like this to happen. Eventually they started the works back up again, and finished with a "bang" (no pun intended). It was pretty spectacular but I couldn't help but feel this emptiness inside of me...something was missing. I ended up coming home after all of that, not wanting to be part of drinking and drugging; wanting to stay sober. Other things about the evening had my NMA screaming at me like there was no tomorrow. For some reason, this night was harder than most for me to get out...maybe because I'm used to having a strong support system standing by when I need them, and this time, I just had myself....I had to self soothe...I'm trialing Bikram Yoga for 30 days at Tucson's only actual Bikram studio. Some of my yoga buddies and work buddies finally talked me into making that one month commitment. My first day was Wednesday; I happened to like it; there were parts that I disliked, but overall it was a good experience...and you can't beat the after-effect. I'm going again this morning, around 10. It is kind of nice being able to have a really focused atmosphere like this to go into and just practice. I love having my fun classes at the Oasis as well. I feel like between the two, I'm gaining balance and stability, and the ability to transition quickly without falling on my face. In Bikram, it's much more difficult to hold your ground. The poses are all basic standing and floor postures, but the heat makes it extremely crazy hard. The teacher I had on Wednesday, Diane, compared it to the "wave effect", where there are climactic states we all reach, and then calm and composed states. My climactic state felt like "OMG, I'm going to pass out." but I didn't. I pushed through the discomfort and made it out alive. I felt very pleased with myself when it was over. I found it intriguing how the sequence is built for this. It brings you to your peak, and just when you feel like it's going to be over, there's a 'head-below-heart' posture that brings you back into your body a little bit.
The only way to make discomfort go away is to push through it; you can't hop around it, over it, or under it...otherwise, there is no lesson learned...no growth. The idea is to temper the fire within, and to keep the mind calm, steady, and focused... A calm, steady, and focused mind keeps the body from collapsing and freaking out. The body will almost always follow what the mind says. It's mind over matter, no matter what the situation is, no matter how uncomfortable we get. Everything is always changing. We can't choose how people treat us, talk to us, or feel about us; but we can choose how we are going to respond. If it's too hot, am I going to freak out and fan the flames? or am I going to stay composed and walk through my feelings, so that I can better understand myself and ultimately everyone and everything around me when I'm through?
It's all about the journey; everyone's journey is their own. Each person has the choice whether to make the journey suck, or to make it amazing. I want mine to be amazing. I want every experience to be wonderful. I want to keep learning, expanding, exceeding the limits of my own mind. Life is what you make it....
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