Yoga gets me back into my body. Currently, in my experience with Bikram, I am forced to face myself in the mirror, every day, for 90 minutes at a time. It's amazing how afraid I am to look into my own eyes. Some days, it's worse than others. I notice my tendencies. The teacher says, "Look into your own eyes, the eyes of you own best teacher, your own best friend." I look, and I don't think, but I feel...unworthiness, guilt, fear... My gaze into my eyes slips away and I look at the floor.I feel shameful, and sorry for the pain I have caused myself. Looking at myself in the mirror is like looking at another human being. I would never harm another human being, physically of emotionally, but why would I harm myself in those ways? I feel guilty. I criticize my body, where I feel it is imperfect and "could use some work". I criticize my mind and emotions, "why can't I be just like everyone else?"...well, truth is, I already am like everybody else. We just don't talk about it with each other. We are so afraid of being seen as "crazy" or "unstable" when in reality, we all struggle the same. We are all trapped within our own skin, our own minds...not knowing who we can trust, because we can't even trust ourselves. When I looked in the Bikram mirror yesterday, I realized something. I don't trust myself. I am embarrassed of myself...which is why I cannot look deeply into my very own eyes for more than two seconds, or into the eyes of a best friend, teacher, or confidante, without feeling shame, guilt, pain, or fear...no matter how much I love them. But I cannot look into another's eyes and feel fully content and comfortable until I can look into my own eyes and feel that way first. It's the mirror of life, reflecting my answers back to me...this is why....this is why... I'm ashamed of myself, which is why I hide.
I notice my gaze drifting, and I bring it back to my eyes. I hear my inner voice say, "look at yourself. That is you...honor yourself, your body, your mind. Do not be afraid." I hear my other inner voice tell me all the bad things about my body, and myself...but I try my best to ignore it and focus on the practice. The heat pulls me in. Sweat drips from every bare place on my body; down my forehead, off my chin, from my elbows, knees, fingers, and toes...
Sometimes I practice next to my teacher, peer, and friend, who motivates me more than she knows. I even fear looking into the eyes of these dear ones in my life; the people who inspire me the most...the people who are my greatest teachers. I close off and become scared, especially when I am wearing next to nothing; thinking that I'm going to be judged; but I'm only judging myself.
The most difficult part of the Bikram practice is the ladies room; it's no longer the heat, the sweat, or the postures...The ladies room is filled with women who are unafraid to bare their skin around other women, all while making small talk and eye contact...I cannot yet do this; because I have not yet found the confidence in myself to do so. I am shy with my body, and fearful to bare it all...I even feel uncomfortable speaking to and making eye contact with the naked women...It has nothing to do with them; only me and my embarrassment of my body. The human body is a beautiful vessel for the soul, but my insecurities are strong. I get nervous, scared, and anxious. I wait for the room to empty before I undress...I shower long, hoping that maybe everyone will be gone by the time I'm done; but there is always someone there. There's always someone there....as in life; there's always someone who wants to understand and see you for who you are; there's always someone who doesn't care about your flaws, but who will love you for who you are...There will always be someone who wants to help you become comfortable, who will want to help you see that you are beautiful and perfect in every way. But it is the most difficult to bare all; spiritually, emotionally, physically...to those closest to us. It's the fear of rejection, because we (maybe unknowigly) are rejecting ourselves.
It is difficult, but I know that I can get through this. Facing myself in the mirror every day, and getting to know who I truly am, and how I honestly feel, is the best thing I could possibly be doing for myself right now. It is another big step in my personal and spiritual development; my own growth, expansion, and understanding of myself...of life...of everyone and everything. We can all change the world by first changing ourselves...Once I can be free, you can be free...we can all be free...
I notice my gaze drifting, and I bring it back to my eyes. I hear my inner voice say, "look at yourself. That is you...honor yourself, your body, your mind. Do not be afraid." I hear my other inner voice tell me all the bad things about my body, and myself...but I try my best to ignore it and focus on the practice. The heat pulls me in. Sweat drips from every bare place on my body; down my forehead, off my chin, from my elbows, knees, fingers, and toes...
Sometimes I practice next to my teacher, peer, and friend, who motivates me more than she knows. I even fear looking into the eyes of these dear ones in my life; the people who inspire me the most...the people who are my greatest teachers. I close off and become scared, especially when I am wearing next to nothing; thinking that I'm going to be judged; but I'm only judging myself.
The most difficult part of the Bikram practice is the ladies room; it's no longer the heat, the sweat, or the postures...The ladies room is filled with women who are unafraid to bare their skin around other women, all while making small talk and eye contact...I cannot yet do this; because I have not yet found the confidence in myself to do so. I am shy with my body, and fearful to bare it all...I even feel uncomfortable speaking to and making eye contact with the naked women...It has nothing to do with them; only me and my embarrassment of my body. The human body is a beautiful vessel for the soul, but my insecurities are strong. I get nervous, scared, and anxious. I wait for the room to empty before I undress...I shower long, hoping that maybe everyone will be gone by the time I'm done; but there is always someone there. There's always someone there....as in life; there's always someone who wants to understand and see you for who you are; there's always someone who doesn't care about your flaws, but who will love you for who you are...There will always be someone who wants to help you become comfortable, who will want to help you see that you are beautiful and perfect in every way. But it is the most difficult to bare all; spiritually, emotionally, physically...to those closest to us. It's the fear of rejection, because we (maybe unknowigly) are rejecting ourselves.
It is difficult, but I know that I can get through this. Facing myself in the mirror every day, and getting to know who I truly am, and how I honestly feel, is the best thing I could possibly be doing for myself right now. It is another big step in my personal and spiritual development; my own growth, expansion, and understanding of myself...of life...of everyone and everything. We can all change the world by first changing ourselves...Once I can be free, you can be free...we can all be free...
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