Ahimsa...non-violence/non-harming...one of the 5 yamas or ways to live as described by the sage Pantajali in the ancient yoga Sutras. It is practiced at 3 levels; actions, speech, and thoughts. When I first learned about this way of living, I originally thought it meant not harming others, talking badly about others, and so on...about others...but what I've come to realize in my svahdyaya or self study, is that I have a huge issue with talking myself down. I'm admitting this publicly, because I really don't care anymore about keeping the dark in the dark. It isn't until we shed light on the dark places, that we will learn to love and accept them. What I have come to realize, is that Ahimsa is not only the non-harm towards others, but also is the non-harming of the self.
Today was the first day of 3, of the Heart of Yoga workshop with Darren Rhodes and Christina Sell at Yoga Oasis. In this workshop, we are given the opportunity to journal about a topic or question that is asked to the group, and then we get the opportunity to small group share, and then some share with the whole class. In the evening session of the day, we were asked to reflect on our past year of practice; could be asana; could be off the matt too. We were specifically asked to elaborate on our beginnings, middles, and ends, our obstacles that we have faced or are currently facing, and then the lessons that we see in those obstacles we have encountered or are encountering. The rundown of my journal was basically this:
I had a beginning, which was rough, terrifying, and emotional, and now I'm in the middle...there's really been no end; and I don't believe that will happen for me until I die. So this middle place I am in has been a whirlwind of excitement, then disappointment, then excitement, then disappointment...and so on. It's a neverending roller coaster that has kept my journey not in the least bit boring, but rather hills and valleys of emotions, upsets, joys, heartbreaks, pain, love, and so on. My greatest obstacle is myself. I tend to get in my own way, blame myself for things that aren't my fault, and have trouble forgiving myself for those things which I think are my fault, when really they are not. When sharing with my friend Travis, he helped me out a lot by letting me know that especially at such a young age, it is incredible that I can realize what's going on inside of myself, and that instead of wondering what's wrong with me, that I can continue to work on myself and nurture and love myself, and give myself the care I need in order to be the best version of myself. We talked about how it is so easy to forgive others, yet it is so easy for us to place the blame on ourselves, and beat ourselves up inside, time and time again. This is self harming.
It makes sense that if we are not practicing ahimsa within ourselves, then we may unintentionally harm others, whether it be by how we interact with people, how we shift our moods and personalities with others, something we might say or do, etc...I have experienced unhealthy relationships where I would give, and give, and give, but when the time came to where I needed someone, I would end up feeling as if I had no one, because unfortunately, I have a bleeding heart that has a place for everyone; and a sensitive and compassionate soul that is easily manipulated and hurt. I sort of just say it's my karma, and it must be my gift to have to deal with this sort of thing in this life; What I am starting to realize is that it's so easy for me to love others, but as Travis said to me, "We can't love others to death..." because if we do, it will kill us. We risk becoming emptied and exhausted, and will have nothing left to give to those who might actually mean something to us. In order to live in happiness and joy, love must be reciprocated; and if it is not, then it is a good sign that something may not be right, and that we may need to exit the scene before we dig ourselves too deep....otherwise, we are only allowing ourselves to hurt.
Ahimsa and Love are two different things, but when Ahimsa is fully realized and practiced, there will be more room for natural love with and in our lives to form and flow.
With an open heart, I bow.
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