When Latent Emotions are Uprooted...

Emotions are just like the weather. Some days are sunny, some are rainy, some are windy, some are warm, some are cold, and so on...Today, the Tucson skies have been overcast, but the kind of overcast that brings no rain. Within myself, my mood has been very passive, receptive, and thoughtful, but nothing extreme. During some intense yoga, I could feel something nudging my heart; you know that sudden heaviness of the heart that happens when you feel upset or heart broken. I couldn't get it to go away, so I Just sat with it for the rest of the class. I think I probably became very single-pointed after discovering what I now believe was a latent feeling that I hadn't dealt with...something that I believe has been covered up for months, or maybe even years...something which I believe has been added to over time, and finally my subtle body couldn't handle any more of the weight. I focused on keeping centered and calm, and it went fairly well, and I left class in good spirits.
I didn't have to work this evening, and only have a few assignments I need to work on for school, so I decided to treat myself to some lunch...
Then the feeling came back again, triggered by an outside circumstance that stirred the pot of my already loosened up emotional state. I had trouble enjoying my food, and I left, and then I just started to cry in my car...unaware of the exact reason why, feeling like I was absolutely crazy and stupid because I have nothing to be crying about. I gathered myself for the most part, and started to drive home...the tears kept flowing, uncontrollably. I started thinking about why I could be so emotional right now, and several thoughts drifted in and out of my mind. At first, thoughts of the outer circumstances came up, but I just knew it was something much deeper than that...it's always much deeper. I finally settled on 'abandonment'. I've been abandoned several times in my life; the first experience was being abandoned by my biological father, and then by people along my life journey, men and women alike; friends and boyfriends.
Then I started thinking about myself more...and I realized that I am a lover. I tend to have people that I love more deeply than others; sometimes that love is reciprocated, but when it is not, it's like a knife in my heart. It's when it isn't reciprocated where I tend to find everything that could possibly be wrong with me, and say see, it's "all my fault"....but is it really? Or is there just a lack of communication? I think it's always a two-way street. Whatever happens on one side of the equation will happen to the other side...that's just how the universe works... I've gotten to the point to where I am afraid to say "I love you" to people, or to hug people unless they come to me, because of my fear of being rejected, dropped, abandoned... how does one deal with such a deep rooted experience that has manifested itself in their life? I guess like most other things, recognizing it is the first step to recovery...
although I am a much stronger person now than I have ever been, I am still healing; and I will most likely be healing for the rest of my life. It's all a part of the journey, right?...

The days on which we find ourselves the most sensitive, tender, and vulnerable are the days which have the most to teach us. An outer circumstance may hurt or upset us.... But truthfully, it is by consequence of how we are thinking about and responding to outside influences that ultimately determine how we feel.

" Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn't have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends." ~Unknown