"Don't Shoot the Messenger!"

So much change can happen in such a short amount of time. Some changes seem to come like a thief in the night; for instance, my sudden fight and breakup with my (now ex) boyfriend. Sometimes, the unexpected happens, and we have no control over the situation, so we just have to roll with it, and know that there was a reason for it, even if it feels like the end of the world. For me, it felt like the end of the world. I guess you could say I sort of saw it coming. I started sensing unresponsiveness, tension, separateness, and loneliness. So, even before it actually happened, I was coming home every night crying (or more like sobbing) because I felt alone, misunderstood, my trust was withering away, and my heart was hurting. I felt it, but I didn't want to believe it was coming.
It's easy to be like, "It was all her/him; I didn't deserve this, I didn't do anything; he/she has issues" etc, etc, etc.... but the brutal truth is that people come into our lives to send us a message. My friend quotes a phrase she learned; "Don't shoot the messenger!" I chuckle a bit... I'm grateful to be in a place within myself where self-reflecting tends to be something I fall back on quite often when things go wrong or crazy or bad. If I didn't do this, I don't think I'd ever learn.
Anyway, people come into our lives, push our buttons, and leave. What next? We react. It's ultimately our choice how we respond in the midst of heartbreak or pain of sorts; and even annoyance, aggravation, or anxiety. Not by any means am I already 'over it', but I'm looking deeper... What is it in me which causes me to suffer. What do I still struggle with in myself? What still bothers me about myself? Am I truly being a good friend to myself? Am I Practicing Maitri? (Maitri is the sanskrit word for unconditional friendship with oneself.) Pema Chodron, a Buddist devotee, addresses a crowd, stating:

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.”

We (or I) have to look at the bigger picture. There's so much more than what is superficial.

Yesterday, I awoke early. I lied in my bed for a good two hours and just stared at the ceiling as I watched the movies of my thoughts drift in and out of my mind's eye. My mind's ears were going crazy with the many things I say to myself...and then out of nowhere, one screams louder, "Get the hell up! What the hell do you think you are doing?" This is my healthy brain trying to get my attention. "Get up. You can do this. You need to get out of this place for a few hours. Just get up!"
I got up, got a shower, and left my little hole that I find so comforting and easy to be when I feel like hiding when things get too crazy for me to handle.

I realized I needed to go get a new lap top because my 5 year old PC bit the dust last week, and it's kind of important for me to have one. Lucky for me, Office Max was having a big sale and I got virus protection and a nice HP for less than 600 bucks. (Credit cards are wonderful when you need them; and you should really only use them if you are responsible, which my parents taught me well on that one... hehe)... The cashier was super helpful and everyone there was so genuinely sweet. I felt my mood shifting into a better space.

I got a new yoga outfit in the mail too; which was another nice surprise. Baby blue bottoms and a cute lime green top... (sorry, tangent!)

And so I had a while more before I needed to get ready for work...I hadn't really eaten, I'd realized, and I was in no way having any desire for solids, so I made my way to Whole foods, a place I rarely visit now, and got a free 24 oz juice with my hole punched card that I finished. Perfect. I walked in and saw my teacher friend, who knew the situation, and I said, "I'll be okay..." as I started choking up, and she says, "Of course you will! Just take some deep breaths". That was helpful and totally a God moment.
I've been having a lot of those lately; God moments...or synchronicities. Things I really need or need to hear at perfect times, and/or people I benefit greatly from seeing right then and there. People who give me the sweet and nurturing messages to remind me to keep calm. Sometimes it's not even people; sometimes it's an animal, a phrase I see on a billboard, a flower, a piece of art, etc. No matter the messenger, I appreciate it greatly. God moments are for real.

Then, I went to work. This lady who does one-to-one from outside of our staff, known as agency, was reeeeaaaally pushing my buttons. At dinner, she made a comment on how big my salad was, and I was like, "we don't do food talk here, especially not around the girls". The woman would not get the hint that her comments were bothersome and so she kept digging her hole deeper by the minute. Then after dinner, we had birthday cake for one of our girls, and the lady was like, "you not eating cake?" and I was like, "no, I--" and she cuts me off and goes, "what, was your salad too big?" Oh for the love of God!...I pulled her outside and had a little discussion with her and let's just say she was quiet for the rest of the time she was there. (No, I didn't punch her, and I wouldn't have, even if I wanted to; and I really wanted to.) But then, "don't shoot the messenger!" came back into my head, and I realized that, oh my goodness, she's mirroring what I tell myself all the time. Even if she was being completely out of line, she still got the message across to me that the universe was using her for. I still need help with my relationship with food, as well as with myself...

So, I didn't shoot the messenger.
I just realized that I need to take some action and get myself the help I deserve and need, before it gets worse. That's how we get stronger; by taking everything, good or bad, that we experience and learning the valuable lessons they bring to our lives. It's a part of our journey...and that song comes into my mind "Drop your worries, cause this is just a journey...gotta keep your head up oooooh, need to let your hair down aaaaay....I know it's hard to remember sometimes...." I love that song...

The ones who annoy us or hurt us the most, are usually the ones with the most valuable lessons...they are great gifts in our lives, and it is up to us to respond accordingly. How will we react? Why did we react that way? What could we do differently next time?
It's all part of the practice, the process, and the progress...

Namaste.

The Practice

Downward facing dog to tree  side plank to vashistasana to wild thing to urdhva dhanurasana to standing. Repeated on the other side. Emotional Meltdown Mayhem. I take child's pose (balasana) as the others start getting into camel (ustrasana) and doing crazy things with that pose. I quietly bow there, head below my heart, as tears begin to well up in my eyes and I find my forehead pressing into a puddle on my sticky mat. I think I was there for ten minutes. I finally got up, wiped it away with my towel, and excused myself from the class for a few minutes. I let it out in the back, not knowing why I just had this emotional release with no attachments; just solely the emotion. I felt sadness, frustration, anxiety, and confusion. I figured some of it must have stemmed from a recent neck issue I've been having, ever since I slept on my neck wrong about 5 days ago. I had gotten a luxuious and amazing massage last minute from sweet Stef, and it definitely helped relieve a lot of the tension I had aquired lately.  By this morning, it felt like the bone was back in its rightful place, and I got through the first yoga class just fine. It wasn't until The Practice that I did a standing backbend, where my neck must not have been well engaged and I felt it pop! right back out. That did not feel good. . . so I continued with the class, remaining silent and focused on that area so that I would do no further damage, and tried to get it back in, but it just wouldn't budge. I think that's where most of the frustration came from. I kept saying to myself in my head, "You're a failure. You're not doing very well. I can't believe you can't get it back in place!" The ego can be so hurtful sometimes, when we let it. I think that once my heart felt what my mind was saying, that was when I needed to let go and release...start over...just be kind to myself. I wasn't being very kind to myself.

I happen to be a very intense person, with a very intense personality. I tend to need a lot of control, because if I feel I don't have control, I can get a little crazy. This doesn't mean I'm a control freak to others all the time, it's more on the lines of my routine. I have a set routine, I need to keep that routine, and if I veer from it, sometimes it's madness. <<We all have our tendencies, it's just that a lot of us aren't fully aware of them, and can get trapped in the day-to-day routine of falling into negative thought patterns, allowing something like spilled milk ruin the day, and believing that the world is out to get us. I used to think that way, honestly and truly. But, now, I more often than not, look to the good, the positive, the progress. I am beginning to understand that I need to trust the process.  The process is what makes us stronger. There's hard times, and not so hard times...sometimes, there's even almost IMPOSSIBLE times. But those are the ones that make us more durable and more centered, and more faithful as we walk through life.

I'm sure that my neck issue was something that just happened to happen, and it's here to teach me a lesson or two; like "patience, slow down, awareness" and so many other things.

I just took a nice hot epsom salt bath with sandalwood oil, I happened to pull up on my neck and pop something back into place, but something is still out, although it's not as bad as it was. Baths are wonderful. They need to happen more often.
I was just talking with a dear friend about the importance of having quality time with ourselves, remembering that it's okay to just "lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling" or "go for a walk" or "take a nice bath with candles" or "meditate".  When we can care for ourselves, we are more able to care for others and will have more passion in helping others. We need just as much TLC from ourselves as our best friend or our boyfriend needs from us. If we forget to care for ourselves, we risk losing ourselves...in relationships, addictions,, jobs, etc.  So the time we take to be alone is important for our own mental and emotional health.

The Practice today was very good; all these bright and luminous souls were there, and I am glad that I felt comfortable enough to just let my emotions take their ride through my heart, out my eyes, and onto my mat. I think it's absolutely okay when emotions come up during asana and can be expressed; even when there's not really a reason in your mind why you would be upset, crying, frustrated, etc... Sometimes, that's actually the best time, when you're with people who genuinely care about you, who support you, who love you. Asana has a way of getting into those dark places, to shed light on them, to cleanse them...it's a beautiful thing when we can learn to just let go, surrender, and trust in what life has to offer. Head Bowed...

Picture This, Not Picture Perfect

My mind wanders. Instead of the (usually) loud voice telling me "You're not good enough. You'll never get that pose. You'll never get those abs" and yada yada yada, The (usually) soft whisper of a voice grows louder and says, "You think you can't, won't, or will never, but you're wrong. You are capable of anything". I, the middle man (or woman I suppose) am left befuddled. ..shocked...in awe that somehow, my autopilot self has switched over to a more "energetically efficient" source of power called Positivity. It's not everyday that this side of my psyche is working, so I'm extremely grateful on days like today when it is. I find that when I focus on the positive, my energy levels are increased, I feel better, I have an all around better day. I'm difficult to knock down on these days, or in these moments. When this isn't my autopilot, I have to work in overdrive to maintain a positive state, the best I can. That's not a bad thing. It's just something that I need to be aware of, and know that I can differenciate between true optimism, and forced optimism. In AA and other 12 step programs, they talk about "fake it till you make it", because the longer you fake something, the more real it actually becomes, and then you become it.

I've been pondering a lot about self image. I just read a book called Yoga, From the Inside Out by Christina Sell. She explains so beautifully exactly how I have felt and the things that I've had to go through and experience in dealing with wanting to sometimes crawl out of my skin from a very early age. I suffer from severe Body Dysmorphia. In my younger years, it lead me into cycles of disordered eating, and even into full blown eating disorders. It wasn't until I reached my Junior year in college that I actually got more control over what had been eating me for so long. Much of that control came with establishing a regular yoga practice, starting with asana, leading into meditation, breathing, and svadhyaya (sanskrit for self study). I began to slowly surrender myself to who I was, and to peel off the layers of anger, hurt, pain, false identity, hopelessness, lack of control, fear, worry, doubt, shame, and many others. I started to realize that I honestly had no idea who I really was. I hit bottom. My heart was breaking. In Christina's book, she writes, "It can sound elegant and beautiful to say 'we must open the heart' , but how does it truly open?  I mean truly open wide enough to allow grace to enter in? It breaks open. And in such a way that nothing can relieve the pain of its opening but God." She quotes her teacher who says "Only when the heart is truly broken open, will we know compassion."
Once my heart had broken open wide enough, that was when I could finally begin to find myself.
I've been so fortunate to study with such beautiful souls; souls just like me, perfectly flawed. It is through the flawed who I learn the most from. No perfect teacher could continue to teach me after a period of time, because they have stopped learning if they have become perfect. I continue to learn from the flawed, because the flawed continue to study.

Back to body image...
The other day in class, and other times before it I heard a dear one mention that "when I'm thinner, less round, more strong, I might be able to do__." It broke my heart. We do not need to look for validation from outside ourselves about whether or not we are good enough. All we need to realize is that we ARE good enough. We are all the same. Our body is the temple of our soul. It doesn't matter what the body looks like. The soul will always be beautiful and bright.
What I am beginning to understand after my own battles and from observing the battles of those near and dear to me, there is no perfect body, no perfect pose, no perfect expression. There is only you,. There is only your own body, your own pose, and your own expression. There is only you. There is where you are...there is what makes you feel good. There is where grace can flow most abundantly. Never let your light be shaded, hidden, or dimmed by others' or your own limitations, ideals, or false perceptions. You are perfect just as you are. Your flaws and shortcomings make you who you are....Beautiful you.

This is also my work...this is why I write about it. I hope I have reached your heart.

Love, Light, and Blessings to you, beautiful you. Namaste.

Here I am. 10.5 hours in to my 12.5 hour overnight shift at work. It's 5:30 a.m. and I continue to do rounds and "head checks" every half hour; which becomes every fifteen minutes at 6 a.m.

It has been quite a different experience for me. Easy and difficult, comfortable and uncomfortable all simultaneously. Once I finished up the odds and ends of paperwork and other nightly duties, I painted my nails, ate a snack, read some good reading from Christina Sell's "Yoga from the Inside Out", and then I put in a movie on the computer. The movie is called "Peaceful Warrior". It's about a college gymnast who seeks out help for becoming all he can be, not realizing that the help he asked for was going to change his view on life forever. The whole movie was about (get ready for it!) being in the moment. *gasp*! For real. Somehow, I manage to pick out these types of movies that have deep underlying messages for me. Anyway, if you want to know how he does at the Olympic trials, I suggest you watch the movie....or I actually just suggest you watch the movie, just because it happens to be a really good one. Just putting that out there.

The message I received from this movie, was that, whatever you ask the universe or God, or your higher power for, you will receive. It's definitely wise to think about how you might word what you ask for, because honestly, what you think is what you get. It doesn't matter what you might think you are asking for. Example: "I want icecream" is the same as "I don't want icecream". Why? you ask...well, when either statement comes out of a person's mouth, what visual are they making in their mind? Right! ICECREAM! (maybe that was a horrible example, because I'm lactose intolerant, but you get what I am saying, right?)

Moving along...

I watched the sun rise. I see rabbits eating the grass; there are actually a ton of them; they are like rabbits; everywhere. :)'

I felt like a peaceful warrior, just trying to make it through the night; and here I am...I made it through the night. The sun has risen, and the day is new. Whether I slept last night or not, the day is new. I start over, yet again. It's all about being in the present moment, not fearing the future, being anxious over the past, or feeling helpless because I can't control certain aspects of my life...or can I? What if just by me saying "I can't control", I am subliminally limiting myself as a human being. So maybe the best thing for anyone and everyone is to never say never, to stop saying "I can", and to pursue life in the most positive manner possible.

I hope I am making some sense here...

This is all I'm going to write for now; now, it's back to the rounds, and my last couple of hours of work.

I deeply value my job. I'm so grateful and so fortunate; no matter how emotionally exhausting it can be sometimes, every bit of it is worth every ounce of my energy that goes in to it. It's love that keeps me pushing forward and holding steady. Love and a peaceful, focused mind. :)

Blessings.