The Practice

Downward facing dog to tree  side plank to vashistasana to wild thing to urdhva dhanurasana to standing. Repeated on the other side. Emotional Meltdown Mayhem. I take child's pose (balasana) as the others start getting into camel (ustrasana) and doing crazy things with that pose. I quietly bow there, head below my heart, as tears begin to well up in my eyes and I find my forehead pressing into a puddle on my sticky mat. I think I was there for ten minutes. I finally got up, wiped it away with my towel, and excused myself from the class for a few minutes. I let it out in the back, not knowing why I just had this emotional release with no attachments; just solely the emotion. I felt sadness, frustration, anxiety, and confusion. I figured some of it must have stemmed from a recent neck issue I've been having, ever since I slept on my neck wrong about 5 days ago. I had gotten a luxuious and amazing massage last minute from sweet Stef, and it definitely helped relieve a lot of the tension I had aquired lately.  By this morning, it felt like the bone was back in its rightful place, and I got through the first yoga class just fine. It wasn't until The Practice that I did a standing backbend, where my neck must not have been well engaged and I felt it pop! right back out. That did not feel good. . . so I continued with the class, remaining silent and focused on that area so that I would do no further damage, and tried to get it back in, but it just wouldn't budge. I think that's where most of the frustration came from. I kept saying to myself in my head, "You're a failure. You're not doing very well. I can't believe you can't get it back in place!" The ego can be so hurtful sometimes, when we let it. I think that once my heart felt what my mind was saying, that was when I needed to let go and release...start over...just be kind to myself. I wasn't being very kind to myself.

I happen to be a very intense person, with a very intense personality. I tend to need a lot of control, because if I feel I don't have control, I can get a little crazy. This doesn't mean I'm a control freak to others all the time, it's more on the lines of my routine. I have a set routine, I need to keep that routine, and if I veer from it, sometimes it's madness. <<We all have our tendencies, it's just that a lot of us aren't fully aware of them, and can get trapped in the day-to-day routine of falling into negative thought patterns, allowing something like spilled milk ruin the day, and believing that the world is out to get us. I used to think that way, honestly and truly. But, now, I more often than not, look to the good, the positive, the progress. I am beginning to understand that I need to trust the process.  The process is what makes us stronger. There's hard times, and not so hard times...sometimes, there's even almost IMPOSSIBLE times. But those are the ones that make us more durable and more centered, and more faithful as we walk through life.

I'm sure that my neck issue was something that just happened to happen, and it's here to teach me a lesson or two; like "patience, slow down, awareness" and so many other things.

I just took a nice hot epsom salt bath with sandalwood oil, I happened to pull up on my neck and pop something back into place, but something is still out, although it's not as bad as it was. Baths are wonderful. They need to happen more often.
I was just talking with a dear friend about the importance of having quality time with ourselves, remembering that it's okay to just "lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling" or "go for a walk" or "take a nice bath with candles" or "meditate".  When we can care for ourselves, we are more able to care for others and will have more passion in helping others. We need just as much TLC from ourselves as our best friend or our boyfriend needs from us. If we forget to care for ourselves, we risk losing ourselves...in relationships, addictions,, jobs, etc.  So the time we take to be alone is important for our own mental and emotional health.

The Practice today was very good; all these bright and luminous souls were there, and I am glad that I felt comfortable enough to just let my emotions take their ride through my heart, out my eyes, and onto my mat. I think it's absolutely okay when emotions come up during asana and can be expressed; even when there's not really a reason in your mind why you would be upset, crying, frustrated, etc... Sometimes, that's actually the best time, when you're with people who genuinely care about you, who support you, who love you. Asana has a way of getting into those dark places, to shed light on them, to cleanse them...it's a beautiful thing when we can learn to just let go, surrender, and trust in what life has to offer. Head Bowed...