My mind wanders. Instead of the (usually) loud voice telling me "You're not good enough. You'll never get that pose. You'll never get those abs" and yada yada yada, The (usually) soft whisper of a voice grows louder and says, "You think you can't, won't, or will never, but you're wrong. You are capable of anything". I, the middle man (or woman I suppose) am left befuddled. ..shocked...in awe that somehow, my autopilot self has switched over to a more "energetically efficient" source of power called Positivity. It's not everyday that this side of my psyche is working, so I'm extremely grateful on days like today when it is. I find that when I focus on the positive, my energy levels are increased, I feel better, I have an all around better day. I'm difficult to knock down on these days, or in these moments. When this isn't my autopilot, I have to work in overdrive to maintain a positive state, the best I can. That's not a bad thing. It's just something that I need to be aware of, and know that I can differenciate between true optimism, and forced optimism. In AA and other 12 step programs, they talk about "fake it till you make it", because the longer you fake something, the more real it actually becomes, and then you become it.
I've been pondering a lot about self image. I just read a book called Yoga, From the Inside Out by Christina Sell. She explains so beautifully exactly how I have felt and the things that I've had to go through and experience in dealing with wanting to sometimes crawl out of my skin from a very early age. I suffer from severe Body Dysmorphia. In my younger years, it lead me into cycles of disordered eating, and even into full blown eating disorders. It wasn't until I reached my Junior year in college that I actually got more control over what had been eating me for so long. Much of that control came with establishing a regular yoga practice, starting with asana, leading into meditation, breathing, and svadhyaya (sanskrit for self study). I began to slowly surrender myself to who I was, and to peel off the layers of anger, hurt, pain, false identity, hopelessness, lack of control, fear, worry, doubt, shame, and many others. I started to realize that I honestly had no idea who I really was. I hit bottom. My heart was breaking. In Christina's book, she writes, "It can sound elegant and beautiful to say 'we must open the heart' , but how does it truly open? I mean truly open wide enough to allow grace to enter in? It breaks open. And in such a way that nothing can relieve the pain of its opening but God." She quotes her teacher who says "Only when the heart is truly broken open, will we know compassion."
Once my heart had broken open wide enough, that was when I could finally begin to find myself.
I've been so fortunate to study with such beautiful souls; souls just like me, perfectly flawed. It is through the flawed who I learn the most from. No perfect teacher could continue to teach me after a period of time, because they have stopped learning if they have become perfect. I continue to learn from the flawed, because the flawed continue to study.
Back to body image...
The other day in class, and other times before it I heard a dear one mention that "when I'm thinner, less round, more strong, I might be able to do__." It broke my heart. We do not need to look for validation from outside ourselves about whether or not we are good enough. All we need to realize is that we ARE good enough. We are all the same. Our body is the temple of our soul. It doesn't matter what the body looks like. The soul will always be beautiful and bright.
What I am beginning to understand after my own battles and from observing the battles of those near and dear to me, there is no perfect body, no perfect pose, no perfect expression. There is only you,. There is only your own body, your own pose, and your own expression. There is only you. There is where you are...there is what makes you feel good. There is where grace can flow most abundantly. Never let your light be shaded, hidden, or dimmed by others' or your own limitations, ideals, or false perceptions. You are perfect just as you are. Your flaws and shortcomings make you who you are....Beautiful you.
This is also my work...this is why I write about it. I hope I have reached your heart.
Love, Light, and Blessings to you, beautiful you. Namaste.
I've been pondering a lot about self image. I just read a book called Yoga, From the Inside Out by Christina Sell. She explains so beautifully exactly how I have felt and the things that I've had to go through and experience in dealing with wanting to sometimes crawl out of my skin from a very early age. I suffer from severe Body Dysmorphia. In my younger years, it lead me into cycles of disordered eating, and even into full blown eating disorders. It wasn't until I reached my Junior year in college that I actually got more control over what had been eating me for so long. Much of that control came with establishing a regular yoga practice, starting with asana, leading into meditation, breathing, and svadhyaya (sanskrit for self study). I began to slowly surrender myself to who I was, and to peel off the layers of anger, hurt, pain, false identity, hopelessness, lack of control, fear, worry, doubt, shame, and many others. I started to realize that I honestly had no idea who I really was. I hit bottom. My heart was breaking. In Christina's book, she writes, "It can sound elegant and beautiful to say 'we must open the heart' , but how does it truly open? I mean truly open wide enough to allow grace to enter in? It breaks open. And in such a way that nothing can relieve the pain of its opening but God." She quotes her teacher who says "Only when the heart is truly broken open, will we know compassion."
Once my heart had broken open wide enough, that was when I could finally begin to find myself.
I've been so fortunate to study with such beautiful souls; souls just like me, perfectly flawed. It is through the flawed who I learn the most from. No perfect teacher could continue to teach me after a period of time, because they have stopped learning if they have become perfect. I continue to learn from the flawed, because the flawed continue to study.
Back to body image...
The other day in class, and other times before it I heard a dear one mention that "when I'm thinner, less round, more strong, I might be able to do__." It broke my heart. We do not need to look for validation from outside ourselves about whether or not we are good enough. All we need to realize is that we ARE good enough. We are all the same. Our body is the temple of our soul. It doesn't matter what the body looks like. The soul will always be beautiful and bright.
What I am beginning to understand after my own battles and from observing the battles of those near and dear to me, there is no perfect body, no perfect pose, no perfect expression. There is only you,. There is only your own body, your own pose, and your own expression. There is only you. There is where you are...there is what makes you feel good. There is where grace can flow most abundantly. Never let your light be shaded, hidden, or dimmed by others' or your own limitations, ideals, or false perceptions. You are perfect just as you are. Your flaws and shortcomings make you who you are....Beautiful you.
This is also my work...this is why I write about it. I hope I have reached your heart.
Love, Light, and Blessings to you, beautiful you. Namaste.
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