Starting with Self

mind·ful·ness

ˈmīndfəlnəs/

noun

1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Mindfulness comes to mind now for me, more than ever...or maybe I'm just being more mindful about mindfulness... 

Maybe it started with jamming my thumb due to lack of awareness...or the speeding ticket I received on my way to a yoga workshop out of town...or maybe forgetting little (and big) things here and there over the course of the past couple of weeks. 

What I've noticed about my mindfulness [or lack thereof] is that the busier I become, the more scattered my thoughts get, the less aware, the less thoughtful, the more rushed, the more prone to injury, the more anxious I tend to be. As a result, my negative self talk increases, and I fall into old habits and patterns due to the negative mindset...and as a result, I become even harder on myself. It is a vicious cycle that continues until mindfulness is brought back there. 

I choose to write about this, because this has been my struggle lately. This struggle has brought up many latent feelings that have not yet been dealt with, as well as many negative patterns that were never completely resolved. The unhealthy patterns are in fact symptoms of a bigger problem. 

I remember when we were on retreat in Costa Rica last November, we discussed a model that encompassed different parts of oneself- like the True Self, the Wounded/Hurt Self, and the Protective Self. I have returned to this model as a tool to reconnect with my True Self once again. 

A lot of times, when the parts of us who have been wounded or hurt are reminded of the pain by some circumstance that is similar in any way to the way we were harmed before, it is like rubbing salt in a wound...yeah, pretty painful. When we begin to feel that pain, we fall back into those old patterns in a strange way to [the way is seems] protect ourselves from experiencing that pain again. 

I'm working on being more mindful when things like this start happening in my own life; like right now...

When we bring our attention to these aspects of ourselves, that is when we can begin to heal the wounds. We cannot be self defeating in this process. That will only make matters worse. We have to set boundaries with our ego...that part of us that tells us that we are "not good enough" or that we are "a failure". The only way to go about this is by and through love...compassion...understanding...and the willingness to take action and get through it. 

I am fortunate to have wonderful people in my life who serve as constant teachers and reminders of these principles. I am blessed to have friends who support me and tell me what I need to hear in the moment...who help me to toughen up and to do what is right for myself...who remind me that I matter...that I need to take care of myself and be the warrior and hero of my own life. 

A simple fact of life is that, as my friend said today, "there will always be shit. If we didn't have any shit to work on, we'd all be just sitting here with nothing to do, like 'I'm so blissed out right now'".
So...we're all just here, doing our best. That's all we really can do. But it's how we do it that really counts. It's how mindful we are being while living this life that makes life yay or nay. It's how we think about it, respond to it, and decide to live it out. We are in fact, in charge of our own life. We are not responsible for anyone else (unless we have kids, but that's only about 18 years of life, but even so, we are not even responsible for our children, in the sense that we cannot and should not try to control their thoughts and opinions). 

I invite all of you to join the "MINDFULNESS" club with me...and to create a better wold...starting with Self.

NAMASTE 

Teaching Insight

These are my thoughts, and this is something I feel I must share. A good friend of mine came to my yoga class this evening. Afterwards, she expressed that it was just what she needed, especially after attending a disappointing all-levels class and crying about it in the studio parking lot afterwards. It seemed to me that the teacher was 1)being ridiculously hard on them, 2) choosing to begin the class by talking about something negative, and 3) not giving adequate instruction for a class that sounded {more intermediate/advanced}

Most people, if not all, come to yoga seeking a positive experience...or maybe just a tough workout. But I don't believe that anyone comes to yoga to have a negative experience.

The instructor may not have been aware of the negativity that was surrounding that class, and the students are always responsible for the way that they feel...but I do feel that as a yoga instructor, or as anyone in any leadership roll, it is important to be gentle with our students. They are delicate...physically, mentally, and emotionally. As a student, I want my boundaries to be respected, and to be given adequate information and cues throughout the class.

Yoga is an intimate practice. A chance to become introspective. Teaching a hard class is not just about kicking everyone's asses - it's about bringing them to their threshold, making them sweat a lot by building heat through core training, surya namaskara, balancing poses, and maybe a couple of arm balances here and there...not making the whole all levels class arm balances (unless it's a workshop intended to be that way), and showing them what is possible, but remembering to instruct and give them the tools they need in order to advance. Without that instruction, the student becomes lost, and maybe upset because they don't understand.

I'm not bashing anyone, but I am only sharing the insight I received when I heard my friend's story. Yoga is about balance. We can't be too firey, too watery, or to airy...we need all three elements in order to make it feel good. You know? 

Give Only Your Best

The lesson has been to remain attentive, as all around me there are lessons, or opportunities for learning, growth, expansion into a better version of myself. I was just talking with my co-worker this afternoon of how we often times look outside of ourselves for something or someone to be our greatest teacher, or greatest friend, or greatest lover – when…if we only learn to pay attention to the world around us, we will notice how much life mirrors our inner world – and we can then turn inward and see ourselves as our greatest teacher, our greatest friend, and our greatest lover. I’ve learned that we are much more powerful that we give ourselves credit for being. I’ve also learned that the less I judge myself, the less I feel judged by others around me…the more compassion, understanding, and love that is reciprocated…amazing, isn’t it?

The above paragraph is a comment I posted on a dear friend's blog, which is in perfect alignment with my thoughts and contemplations this evening. Life is never not a struggle; there will always be suffering; but it is what we make of our suffering that determines the outcome of ...well, the outcome.

The year 2013 came and went, and I have again grown tremendously from all the experiences I've endured. Endure...such a great word. To endure is "to suffer (something painful or difficult) patiently; to remain in existence." as quoted by the Google search dictionary. We endure to become stronger, more able and capable people. We endure, and where we were once broken, we become more steady and more 'durable' than before. Durable is derived from the word Endure...and that makes a whole lot of sense now.

At the end of 2012, I remember being in a dark and broken place...a place that I thought at the time was unhealthy, and a place that shouldn't be visited...now, I no longer feel that way. The broken place...rock bottom, is a place which we should visit, if not one, but multiple times in our lives. I find that when I'm in this place, I become more open to what the universe has to offer. I become more open and receiving to God. My heart is cracked wide open, and my mind is looking for peace. 2012 was a year of breaking...2013 was a year of healing and dreaming...and 2014? It's too soon to tell, but I feel deep down that it is a year of blossoming...manifesting...becoming...It is a golden year...one which I feel will be big and beautiful.

I am in the process of signing up for a teacher training this summer. I have said over and over again for the past two years that I would become certified by the end of 2014...and that has manifested, I know. I feel. I have gained much insight and wisdom just by paying attention to my life...the omens...the experiences...the people around me...and really hearing, seeing, and understanding what they were all trying to tell me. My journey has only just begun...but a remarkable journey it will be. I'm almost finished reading a book called "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. It is a beautiful work, filled with much wisdom. He writes,

 "We are travelers on a cosmic journey,stardust,swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share.This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity."

The journey is what makes everything worth it. The journey is more important than the treasure we are longing and searching for. The journey is the experience...the beautiful experience. The longing for the treasure...the suffering...is what keeps us living and keeps us motivated to keep on going.
Stephani Lindsey  my teacher, friend, and sister of my heart read a quote from D.R. Butler that I must also share; because it is too beautiful and wise not to:

"We are always relating to our own Self. We are always relating to the mirror of the Universe. Therefore send only good energy and good feelings. Give only your best; give only blessings. Don't worry about having to be anyone or do anything or respond to someone in any certain way. Simply give others your best, wish them your best, be an uplifting energy in their lives."

Namaste.

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success in common hours...in proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness." Henry David Thoreau

Be the Light - My Experience, My Review

I just returned from a week long yoga retreat in Costa Rica, lead by Christine Lee and Stephani Lindsey, at Hacienda del Sol retreat center in San Juanillo, Guanacaste, Costa Rica. No words can describe how wonderful and perfect it was. The journey there was long, and took about 12 hours in total to get to Liberia from Tucson. I traveled alone, all the way until I reached Liberia, where I met up with another retreater, Gail, and we met our taxi driver for a 2 hour drive to the center. On the first flight from Tucson to Houston, I had the pleasure of watching the sun rise. It was remarkable.
I decided to take this trip in July, and had no idea that the timing would be so perfect. I have been struggling with drama and stress at work, and it had started to take its toll on me. Fortunately I have been able to confide in friends and coworkers  during the time leading up to the trip; it kept me sane for the most part.

Once we arrived to HDS, we were greeted by the lovely manager, Meg, who showed us to our open-air cabinas (cabins) and then took us up for dinner. We met everyone in the dining area, and began to eat. The food was mostly raw, with a little cooked stuffs here and there, as well as occasional fish throughout the week. The food was so amazing, and regulating. I think most of us revamped our entire systems by the end of the week ;)

The cabinas, once again, were open-air, meaning air could freely flow through the window screens. We were provided with mosquito nets over our beds, which may I add, made me feel sort of like a princess. The sounds at night lulled me to sleep, whereas nature also became my alarm clock in the mornings. The birds would chirp and sing, and Stef described one of the bird songs as sounding like the Thrift Shop song by Macklemore. LOL! There were also noises of howler monkeys, crickets, frogs, armadillos (walking around), as well as fireflies lighting up the night. There were fireflies in our cabin one night, and it was pretty awesome. My roommate was Anne, and she's also from Tucson. She's such a lovely person, and I am so grateful that I was able to room with her for many reasons.

The daily schedule was as follows:
7:30 am 30 minute mantra, pranayama, and meditation w/ Stef and Christine
8:30 am Breakfast
9:30 am 2 hour asana practice w/ Stef and Christine
12:00 n  Lunch
(FREE TIME)
4:00 pm 1 hour yin or restorative asana/ pranayama w/ Stef
5:00 pm 1 hour personal development w/Christine
6:00 pm Dinner
(FREE TIME)
*On the second day, we had a full moon ceremony after dinner
*On the last day, we had a Closing/Gratitude circle before dinner

The days were structured very nicely, and Christine and Stephani were both very flexible (hehe) and accomodating to everyone's needs. If people wanted to skip things, they could, no problem. Some of the group went on excursions, although I decided not to, since I've done most of the excursions that they offered the last time I was in CR. I just wanted to retreat. On the second day, Anne and I went to the black sand beach, which was about a 20 minute walk (kind of hike-ish). It was so relaxing and rejuvenating to spend time in the ocean, playing in the sand, doing handstands and back bends, taking pictures, and jumping in the waves. I felt like a child again...so free.

On asana:
As the days progressed, the morning practices became more and more intense. The sequencing was different everyday, although we would build on certain things each day from the previous days. We did everything under the sun. We even had the opportunity to work with partners when doing handstands and forearm stands, as well as urdva dhanurasana (wheel) and assisted downward facing dogs. Stef and Christine would take turns teaching the morning class, and during the evening class, Stef would teach alone. The evenings were nice and refreshing; headstand, shoulderstand, forward folds, twists, and hip openers. Christine and Stephani both did a fabulous job teaching and co-teaching. When one of them taught, the other would walk around and gently adjust those of us who needed adjusting. Both were very nurturing and careful in their adjustments and direction. It was incredible to watch everyone progress and become stronger throughout the week. It was magical.

On meditation:
Every morning we would chant the Ganesh mantra, Gayatri mantra, and Sarve Bhavantu Sukhina mantra.
Following mantra, we did what was called a Quadrinity Check, where we would scan our body and make a mental note of how we are physically feeling, then we would scan through our thoughts and make a note of what we had been thinking about since we woke up, then we would scan our heart for the emotions we felt, and lastly, we would focus on the place behind our heart, also known as "the cave of the heart", where our True Self resides, underneath all the physical, mental, and emotional aspects of ourselves, and we would ask ourselves, "true self, is there anything you want me to know today", and we would wait. Sometimes, there was nothing...other times, there were images, words, or sensations which were only of good nature. After the QC, we practiced pranayama. We did something different every day, like Nadhi Shodana, Ujayi, Square Breathing, and Breath of Fire. After pranayama, we sat in a 10-15 minute silent meditation. There were of course sounds around us, one woman who almost always around the same time every morning would be on the phone talking about dealing drugs, or workers blending smoothies for breakfast, cracking open coconuts, kitchen staff conversing with one another...at times, these distractions made it difficult, but we were told to let those distractions remind us to come back to our breath. I noticed progress over the week. No matter what, I always came out of that meditation room feeling more grounded and centered than I had when I walked in.

On community
Most of us had no idea who each other was. The only people I knew were Stef and Christine, but everyone else was a stranger.

Gail:
I first connected with Gail when we were picked up by our taxi at the Liberian airport. I noticed a woman sitting outside, and I somehow knew it was her. I asked her if she was Gail, and she bursted up and we hugged each other...complete strangers! It was like a soul reunion. We had quite the adventure getting to HDS, as the bridge was closed on one side, and only one lane of traffic could go at a time. It took us about 30 min longer to get to HDS than expected, and we were both getting our patience tested. I think we were both grateful to be in each other's company, and we made great conversation on the ride. She is a retired grade school principal who found out about the retreat randomly online, not knowing either teacher or anyone going. She's a brave one! She just started getting really in to yoga, and loves it. I'm glad! She's amazing.
Anne:
We were roomies! I can't describe what a wonderful creature she is. She lights up the whole room when she walks into it. She's from Tucson also, and works for Aveda skin and hair care. She's also one of Stephani's students. I never met her until the retreat, so I'm really glad she came! She's asked me if I would want to teach yoga to the students at Aveda Institute and receive free services in return, and I would be silly not to take up that offer! She was such a comfort to have around, and I would steel inscence from the colema (coffee enema) stalls and burn them in our room some mornings and nights. We could just sit in silence and be completely comfortable. It was nice to have her energy around. We had so much fun at the beach, as I talked about earlier. I'm just really glad to have met her.
Bonnie:
She's so wise, confident, and beautiful. She had some of the best wisdom to share with the group, and she also has this knack for tasting every single ingredient in a dish. It was awesome! If we wanted to know what was in something, we just asked her, and she'd most often have it right! She was adorable and such a treat to be around.
Trish:
She is such a grounding and stable woman. It was hard not to get sucked into her peaceful energy when she was around. I didn't get to talk to her much, but when we did talk, I found her to also be very wise, confident, and beautiful.
June:
She had a child like way of figuring out asana. She always has some really great questions during practice, and always had a desire to learn more. It was refreshing to have that as well. She has this way of making people think. She was also great with spanish!
Melissa:
Such a soul sister. We have been going through similar stuff, therefore we were able to connect at a heart level and speak to each other of our hardships. She is so fun and loving, and good natured. She also wore the most awesome colors every day! I loved having her sense of humor around.
Danielle:
She was the most mothery of mother figures to have around. She has a baby back home, and would skype with him every night! It was the most adorable thing to see. Like me, she's a sensitive being, sensitive to others' emotions and to strong personalities, so we were able to connect on a lot of things. She was also very grounding and nurturing to be around. That child of hers is so fortunate!
Wes:
The only male on the retreat! He was so funny! He was also very respectful and kind to everyone. He was there to learn, and was open to anything. I also noticed how he would take care of himself and take a break if he was feeling tired. He was a fun person to be around.

Christine: Dear Christine, I met about a year ago. I met her in Stephani's class one night, and was like "who is this badass next to me?" She's got such a loving and kind energy and is probably one of the funnest people I know. It was puring rain on the second to last night of the retreat, and she goes to her room, puts on her bathing suit, and runs by the dining area screaming "COME SWIM WITH ME!!!" and was jumping around like a crazy person. It was hilarious...so we all get into the pool eventually, and we start playing games and acting like absolute lunatics. Christine got us doing synchronized swimming, which will be on youtube soon, I'm sure, and then she had us play some farm animal game where we had to scream the sound of a rooster, pig, or cow to find other roosters, pigs and cows, while our eyes were shut. The management came out of their rooms to see what the hell was happening, and they were so in awe at how much fun we were having without being under the influence of any type of substance...I'll never forget that night, and I'm so grateful for Christine's fun loving and carefree nature. I am also grateful for the personal development work she brought us this week, which I will elaborate more on later. She's very wise, generous, and friggin happy. I love it. ANNND I think this is just the beginning :)

Stephani:
My teacher, my sister, my friend. Wow...I've spent almost 2 years with her. No words can describe her influence in my life, other than that she's definitely a special force within it; a guiding light, and a reminder and reflection of the light within myself. Not to mention, she's absolutely hilarious, all the time, and her smile brightens up everything within a very large radius. She has much wisdom, love, and compassion to offer the world, sees life like poetry, and lives from her heart. She's someone I look up to immensely. She gives so much of her self, all the time, and sees that it is her duty to serve others, and serving others makes her happy, gives her strength, and keeps her fire burning. She's been a perfect roll model, confidante, mentor, teacher, and friend to me; through the highs and the lows. She's a force to be reckon with, that's for sure. I look forward to many more years with her...as she grows, I also grow, and I am deeply grateful for her presence in my life.
Also, there was this experience with a beautiful blue butterfly, and all I can say is that it was one of the sweetest, most magical things I've ever seen. She basically saved this butterfly and set her free back into the jungle. It was amazing...and wonderful how much the butterfly was able to let go and just trust that she was safe...it was for sure an awe moment...and a reminder of how love will set you free.










On personal development:

This work was almost like an emotional survival game. We received tools to help us work through emotions, and protective layers that we have which are there to keep us from sitting with and feeling what we are actually feeling...and both of those laters, the protective and emotional layer, are what keep us from experiencing our true Self.
We were asked to journal on a certain topic nightly; some topics included:
- What do I want in my life?
- "I am" statement (ie: I am a compassionate, loyal, genuine, energetic, peaceful, poetic, open hearted, luminous being, who is grounding and reassuring to others, and who's purpose in life is to guide others to the discovery of their own light) <<- What were all of you craziest and wildest dreams as a child?
- What are my fears?
- IN what ways to I play small in my life?
- What does it mean to me to let my light shine?

We discussed how to break and transform patterns, and were given tools and ideas on how we can attempt to work on ourselves before seeking professional help. We talked about how old patterns are the Samskaras, ones which are like deep, learned grooves in our brains; things that are automatic...it's the same as retraining someone's automatic response who has PTSD...it works the same way.

I went through a short period of time on this trip where I just felt completely overwhelmed with emotions, things that were triggered by the PD classes, and I felt my entire being become flooded with anxiety, anger, pain, loneliness, and others. I eventually processed it all, and eventually, with help, I returned back to balance, and everything was better after it all happened. I think I just needed to feel it. It needed to happen. I had been keeping things bottled up inside of me, and not allowing myself to feel them until that moment. It was a pivotal point for me...and I'm grateful for it. The work is always there, and now that I have tools to work with, I see myself making a lot of progress in the future.


Now I sit here on my couch at home, writing about my experience, but also knowing that this does not do it justice...it's one of those things that, "you'd just have to be there" to understand how amazing and transformational it was. It seems that there will be more retreats to look forward to in the future. As I look ahead, I see myself attending many retreats, as well as one day hosting some. I am absolutely stoked about life, and what I have to offer the world. My mission in life is to be of service...to spread my light and share it with ever single being I come into contact with. All things are possible... anything I put my entire self to, mind, body, and spirit, will come to pass, and from this day forward, I set the intention be the light, wherever I go...no matter what may come.

Namaste: The divine light in me sees, recognizes, honors, and loves the divine light in you.

Om Sarve Bhavantu Sukhinah
Sarve Santu Nir-Aamayaah 
Sarve Bhadraanni Pashyantu
Maa Kashcid-Duhkha-Bhaag-Bhavet 
Om Shaantih Shaantih Shaantih 

 Om, May All become Happy,
 May All be Free from Illness.
 May All See what is Auspicious,
 May no one Suffer.
 Om Peace, Peace, Peace.

What you Sew, you Reap

I watch as the smoke of the incense spirals through the air in the room, making intricate shapes as it dances around me. The fragrance is soothing and calming...

My thoughts drift into memories, wishes, to dos, anxieties, worries, and fears...and I snap back into the present moment. "label those things as thoughts, and return to your breath"...as my bikram teachers say throughout the class. I breathe...my mind wanders, I catch it, and I return to the here and now...and then my mind wanders again, and I catch it again, and then I return back to the here and now once more...and then again, and again...it is an intimate dance, between mind, body, and spirit; one which is complicated, yet so simple at the same time. I look for the connection between the three, yet also for the separation...meeting in the middle is supposedly where bliss is found...acceptance...ananda.

I wish I were as good about journaling as I used to be...it can be difficult when there is a lack of time. I'll think of something really great, and I'll think, "I will write that down later" and my mind so easily discards the thought, as though it were never there. It's an annoyance at times, and sometimes it's nice to have the ability to just let things go. Letting go is hard for most. I remember when I had a really hard time letting certain people go in my life, and when I finally did, there was an almost instant sense of ease within me.

I was listening to a conference call last night, where my brother Chris was speaking, and he said something that made so much sense to me, and touched a place in my heart that needed the touching. He said, "you cannot reach others unless you reach yourself first". I've been believing this a lot lately...I started trying to reach myself, and that was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but when I finally reached myself, I found that I had in fact been neglecting and abusing myself so much...forgetting that I, too am important. It's an unconditional love that we so desperately need from ourselves in order to be able to unconditionally love and have compassion for others.

My job at the drug and behavioral health rehabilitation center requires a lot of me...It takes and takes and takes, yet it also gives and gives and gives. As stressful and as taxing as it may be, it has taught me, and continues to teach me a great amount. It has been such a great teacher in my life. The patients I work with have been such great teachers. The co workers I have had to work and deal with have been great teachers. Regardless of my relationship with all of these people and what I think and feel about the way some of them are, or the way they treat me or others, or the way that they behave and/or handle situations, they are still my teachers. I have to dig really deep within myself to find compassion for the ones that hurt or wrong me, in work life and in my own personal life...but the compassion is always there. We just have to get out of our own way sometimes. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it... Finding compassion and unconditional love for others inside of myself is a way for me to give, not only to those receiving such feelings, but also for myself. When I hold on to thoughts and feelings which do not serve me, or those around me, I am harming myself and others with the things that I hold on to...but primarily, I am hurting myself. When I choose to let things go, and to breathe and to just let myself feel those feelings, then let them pass, I am giving myself a great gift of just being, feeling, and breathing...

I heard a saying the other day, my friend was telling me that she heard someone say that the phrase "this too shall pass" came from an ancient Sufi saying which would make the sad man happy and the happy man sad...because all material things are impermanent. All circumstances, good or bad, will come to an end...so the whole idea is to just be present...to breathe through and just be with whatever comes, and to accept it as it is.

I remember also the saying, "what you sew, you reap"...so whatever we are sewing into others and/or ourselves, we will also reap. If we sew in hatred and negative thoughts into someone else, we will reap the same...and the same with love, compassion, and positivity...

I will leave it at that... thank you for reading.

Namaste

Blurred Lines

They say, "if you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it was meant to be, all along".

I've let go of many things I've loved as I've lived...Some things never came back to me, but others did. I guess...not only things, but people too. I've had falling outs, disconnects, and just simply loss of contact with certain people, only to find that in some mysterious way, they fall right back into my life, as if they had never even left it.
The people that come back like this, I call my guardians...my angels...my soul friends...practically like family. There's something special about these relationships that I have with them...they aren't normal; but they are beautiful still. Some are like mothers and fathers, guiding me in the right direction, and nurturing my spirit. Some are like sisters and brothers, with whom at times, I get into arguments or have disagreements and misunderstandings with, and even still, we love each other and love being around each other. These people are like my support system...my network of like-hearted and like-minded individuals, whom I can trust and find great joy in my relationships with them...these are the people who understand me the most...who see me at both my best and my worst. It's all so fascinating to me...

One of my best friends and I had a falling out a while back, and didn't talk for about a year...and one day, I received a letter from this friend...my mind initially went to "why would this person want anything to do with me?" I remember not responding for a while, and that was when I received another letter...by then my heart sank. I responded at last, and ever since, for the past 9 months, we've kept in contact in this way. I get to see this friend for the first time in almost 2 years this week. I'm a mixture of excited, scared, nervous, and grateful...but mainly grateful. I honestly thought that I'd lost my friend forever...but God didn't let that happen...I'm not sure why...not at the moment, but all I know is that I'm very grateful that I did not lose my friend. I am also grateful for the time I had separate from my friend, because that is the time when I learned the most about who I really was...I gained experience and insight in myself, and realized that I'm so much more than I really thought I was. I just thought I was some person, here on Earth to do labor, eat, and then die...but now I see that I am so much more than that. I am joy, happiness, love, peace, beauty. I am everything...and one with all that is...just simply a piece of the greater puzzle in this mysterious, vast universe we live in. It amazes me to think about life...sometimes I have to stop myself from thinking so much, because I realize that there's a lot that I'm just never going to know...I used to not be okay with that, but now I am.

One of my dear friends has recently been helping me a lot lately...guiding me, yet also being a support and a listening ear. I'm grateful for that. There are things that have come up for me lately that I never really would have thought so deeply about before, but now, with my life experience, it seems important to contemplate before acting. Why do we act impulsively, without meditating on something first? I think that maybe it's the ego that acts as such an impulsive body, and we as humans get so wrapped up in egotistical thinking that we forget about the deeper, more important pieces of the puzzle.

There is someone recently in my life who has just sort of randomly popped up, who I've gained a huge interest in. He is always so kind to me, always asks me questions about myself, and always seems to want to talk to me when I am around. I am almost dumbfounded at this, because I'm so used to being the one who's asking all the questions. But for some reason, I find myself a little shy and also scared, because I've been rejected many times in the past. I do find him charming, attractive, sweet, and intelligent...but I also find him mysterious...maybe that's what really draws me in...
It would be easy for anyone to say, "just ask him to tea or coffee" but there is a boundary there that I am not so sure I should be crossing...I've learned in life, that one should steer clear of getting into intimate relationships with their teachers...in fact, this is what my friend had advised me...but I never intended on this man to be my teacher; I only by coincidence of time end up taking his classes more often...not by choice really... so it's a complicated situation in my head. It's not like he is a school teacher; he teaches yoga. I guess that's where the line is blurred for me...

I guess this is just one thing that I'll have to sit and watch unfold. I feel uncomfortable actually saying or doing anything about it, because I don't know what the response will be, and I also feel like some things are "better left unsaid" ...for now anyway....

There's not much left for me to write about...this post was a bit more personal than my others, but I really just needed to get some things out in the open...and see what the universe might send back to me...

Thanks for reading...Namaste.

We are all Butterflies; and the Earth is our Chrysalis

I just recently attended a workshop called Emerge from your Chrysalis State; taught by the lovely Stephani Lindsey, in the beautiful Flagstaff, AZ. I always learn a lot of things from her, as she has been my main teacher since March, 2012, but this time, the main things I learned were not as much physical as they were spiritual. (Although I received a lot of refinement in my alignment, and gained new physical insights throughout the weekend that are sure to deepen and expand my practice). I dug deep within myself to really search for what was not yet found...to find the pieces of me that I have still been missing and needed to recover in order to move forward in my life as well as in my practice.

Patience is my mantra these days. I'm a serious yoga student, with a serious passion for practice and a serious dream to teach, travel teach and do workshops all over the place. It's a burning desire that I've had since I was in high school. I remember the first time I ever tried yoga, I was in my Sophomore PE class in High School. We had yoga once a week for one quarter. I loved it. That's where I learned to do my very first head stand ( Sirsa 2). Ever since this time, it's been a desire that lived in the back of my mind, and would occasionally be sparked by some experience. I remember going through a hard time in high school; depression, anxiety, eating disorders, cutting, and feeling worthless all the time. I remember my doctor prescribing me yoga once. My mom bought me a couple of yoga DVDs and I would do them occasionally...they always seemed to help.  In college, I was reintroduced to yoga when my dear friend Elizabeth Brewer, who was my dorm-mate got me to go to the classes that she taught at places like LA Fitness and the Student Rec Center at the University. I remember at those times, yoga was very hard. Warrior poses were my least favorite, and backbends were things I thought my spine just couldn't do. I left yoga again for a couple of years. When I came back to it, I came back with a lot of baggage...and a lot of wounds, searching for healing and for myself...the self that I had lost throughout the years of trying to impress others, especially my family, as well as the years I lost with my friends and family when I had joined a church that I thought was the best thing for me, but in the end drained me of who I really was. In order to get myself back, I had so much work ahead of me, that it seemed nearly impossible...I found Yoga Oasis in 2012. I wasn't sure what to expect, I was nervous...even a little terrified...but as soon as I walked in, the teacher (who happened to be Stephani) was there to greet me with her kind, warm presence; eyes obviously filled with compassion. I was not nervous anymore. From that moment on, I guess you could say I found my addiction to yoga, and I haven't stopped for more than 2 days ever since.

From the beginning, I feel as if I've been going through the process of metamorphosis. I've always been fascinated by the butterfly, because it goes through a huge series of changes in its one life. It goes from being a caterpillar, crawling on the surface of the earth, to blossoming into a beautiful butterfly, who flies over the earth with such grace and poise, and beauty...it's hard not to be fascinated by such a creature... but I've found, that humans are a lot like butterflies, and the Earth is our chrysalis. We undergo our own radical changes in this one life, in order to become something more beautiful and graceful in the end. My own life feels this way. I went from being in the womb, where I was once connected completely with God, to being born and being taught separateness, to feeling the pain of separateness in my adolescence and early adulthood, to realizing that maybe I'm not separate at all in my 20's. Now 22, I am feeling more connected with everything...less separate...less pain...more peace, because I know, deep down that we are all connected, and this comforts me greatly.

Patience has gotten me here, and patience will take me to where I need to be...I feel like I have broken out of my cocoon, but I still feel like I haven't yet become entirely freed. I'm still sort of...hanging on...because I'm waiting until the time is right...I am waiting until I feel ready...and when I am ready; when the time is right, I'll just know it, and I'll finally be able to fly.

Right now, I know that I am exactly where I need to be. Before, I wanted to just rush into things: relationships, teacher trainings, etc. But the truth is that I have needed to experience the process of metamorphosis first. I needed to learn the teachings, to learn from myself, to learn to love myself...to see everything as a whole...

Today, I feel the most ready to teach yoga than I ever have, but something inside of myself still tells me, "wait, just a little while longer". So I am waiting... I'm not yet there, but I am getting there. I don't know how long it will take, but all I know is that it will take long enough.

Namaste

This is an image I took in Costa Rica, in 2009
Glass Wing Butterfly