We are all Butterflies; and the Earth is our Chrysalis

I just recently attended a workshop called Emerge from your Chrysalis State; taught by the lovely Stephani Lindsey, in the beautiful Flagstaff, AZ. I always learn a lot of things from her, as she has been my main teacher since March, 2012, but this time, the main things I learned were not as much physical as they were spiritual. (Although I received a lot of refinement in my alignment, and gained new physical insights throughout the weekend that are sure to deepen and expand my practice). I dug deep within myself to really search for what was not yet found...to find the pieces of me that I have still been missing and needed to recover in order to move forward in my life as well as in my practice.

Patience is my mantra these days. I'm a serious yoga student, with a serious passion for practice and a serious dream to teach, travel teach and do workshops all over the place. It's a burning desire that I've had since I was in high school. I remember the first time I ever tried yoga, I was in my Sophomore PE class in High School. We had yoga once a week for one quarter. I loved it. That's where I learned to do my very first head stand ( Sirsa 2). Ever since this time, it's been a desire that lived in the back of my mind, and would occasionally be sparked by some experience. I remember going through a hard time in high school; depression, anxiety, eating disorders, cutting, and feeling worthless all the time. I remember my doctor prescribing me yoga once. My mom bought me a couple of yoga DVDs and I would do them occasionally...they always seemed to help.  In college, I was reintroduced to yoga when my dear friend Elizabeth Brewer, who was my dorm-mate got me to go to the classes that she taught at places like LA Fitness and the Student Rec Center at the University. I remember at those times, yoga was very hard. Warrior poses were my least favorite, and backbends were things I thought my spine just couldn't do. I left yoga again for a couple of years. When I came back to it, I came back with a lot of baggage...and a lot of wounds, searching for healing and for myself...the self that I had lost throughout the years of trying to impress others, especially my family, as well as the years I lost with my friends and family when I had joined a church that I thought was the best thing for me, but in the end drained me of who I really was. In order to get myself back, I had so much work ahead of me, that it seemed nearly impossible...I found Yoga Oasis in 2012. I wasn't sure what to expect, I was nervous...even a little terrified...but as soon as I walked in, the teacher (who happened to be Stephani) was there to greet me with her kind, warm presence; eyes obviously filled with compassion. I was not nervous anymore. From that moment on, I guess you could say I found my addiction to yoga, and I haven't stopped for more than 2 days ever since.

From the beginning, I feel as if I've been going through the process of metamorphosis. I've always been fascinated by the butterfly, because it goes through a huge series of changes in its one life. It goes from being a caterpillar, crawling on the surface of the earth, to blossoming into a beautiful butterfly, who flies over the earth with such grace and poise, and beauty...it's hard not to be fascinated by such a creature... but I've found, that humans are a lot like butterflies, and the Earth is our chrysalis. We undergo our own radical changes in this one life, in order to become something more beautiful and graceful in the end. My own life feels this way. I went from being in the womb, where I was once connected completely with God, to being born and being taught separateness, to feeling the pain of separateness in my adolescence and early adulthood, to realizing that maybe I'm not separate at all in my 20's. Now 22, I am feeling more connected with everything...less separate...less pain...more peace, because I know, deep down that we are all connected, and this comforts me greatly.

Patience has gotten me here, and patience will take me to where I need to be...I feel like I have broken out of my cocoon, but I still feel like I haven't yet become entirely freed. I'm still sort of...hanging on...because I'm waiting until the time is right...I am waiting until I feel ready...and when I am ready; when the time is right, I'll just know it, and I'll finally be able to fly.

Right now, I know that I am exactly where I need to be. Before, I wanted to just rush into things: relationships, teacher trainings, etc. But the truth is that I have needed to experience the process of metamorphosis first. I needed to learn the teachings, to learn from myself, to learn to love myself...to see everything as a whole...

Today, I feel the most ready to teach yoga than I ever have, but something inside of myself still tells me, "wait, just a little while longer". So I am waiting... I'm not yet there, but I am getting there. I don't know how long it will take, but all I know is that it will take long enough.

Namaste

This is an image I took in Costa Rica, in 2009
Glass Wing Butterfly

Grandmother Willow

Grandmother Willow: Now then, there's something I want to show you. Look. [dips her vine in the water in which glowing ripples begin to form] Pocahontas: The ripples. John Smith: What about them? Grandmother Willow: So small at first, then look how they grow. But someone has to start them. John Smith: They're not gonna listen to us. Grandmother Willow: Young man, sometimes the right path is not the easiest one. Don't you see? Only when the fighting stops, can you be together. 

~ Scene from Disney's Pocahontas

I recently had some time to myself,  and found Pocahontas on Netflix. I watched it all the way through.... It's probably been about 10 years  since I had last seen the movie, so my viewpoint on the story was so much different this time, in comparison to how I thought about it when I was a child. I was stunned at how many references were made to the belief of oneness, and how God is everywhere. By saying God, it can be whatever you believe God to be; whether that's the Universe, the breath in your body, Christ, Shiva/Shakti, etc...or it can be all of it, and all of everything, like I believe.
I went with my boyfriend to visit his grandmother yesterday before I ventured off to yoga (which I will talk about in a moment). The woman was adorable; old, and not all there, but very wise; I could tell. She's lived a good 80 plus years, so she's seen the world change tremendously. She's been through more than anyone my age could ever imagine. She's got wisdom written all over her. She said a few things that reminded me of the impermanence of our physicalities, and the permanence of spirit. What a treat to hear stories from her younger years, and even one about my boyfriend (Mathieu) when he was a small child. Mathieu was playing with some boys in the neighborhood, and they were giving him a hard time saying,
"God isn't real. I can't see him, so he doesn't exist".  Mathieu runs to his grandmother and tells her what they said, and she looked up and prayed for something she could say, and then it came to her to say to Mathieu,
"Mathieu, look, you see the wind, how it moves the trees? You can't see it, but you can see how it moves things. You can feel it caress your skin and blow through your hair. That's how God is. You can't see God, but God is real". Mathieu runs back to the boys and screams,
"GOD IS THE WIND!"
It was such a precious story, touching to my heart. True to my core. I thought about the story of Pocahontas and the conversation between Grandmother Willow and John Smith about the ripple effect. That too is like the wind. There is a creative force behind everything, whether it is something we see as positive or negative. The primary force will always lead to amplification of that force, unless something from the outside intercepts and stops it, or creates a new ripple.

I think of how in our world we suffer from tremendous amounts of anxiety, depression, and codependency, and how we create drama based off of melodramas that we have created in our own heads, which also lead to obsessions, anxieties, fears, and so on...
I feel like nature is where our heart is; where we can reestablish that sense of connectedness, peace, belonging...and rid ourselves of the negative influences, thoughts, and patterns we allow ourselves to put up with on a daily basis.

Kind of switching the topic now...

After visiting Mathieu's grandmother, he went to tennis, and I went to yoga. I had planned to go to Travis Arnold's expanding class, since now I can, and it's great! Something came up though, and he wasn't able to make it in time. We joked around with Stephani Lindsey who happened to be subbing for Darren Rhode's Basics class at the same time, and said, "why don't you just teach us at the same time; run back and forth, or something". We all giggled and made light of the whole situation, secretly hoping we'd actually do something like that, and before we knew it, we actually merged into the big room, split the classroom down the middle, and Stephani taught Basics and Expanding simultaneously (who does that???) ...not even that, but the sequences were entirely different...nothing alike at all...it was very impressive and such a cool experience. I'm so glad I was there! Lucky for sure.
I got to thinking, I am so fortunate. I could have landed my butt in any yoga studio in town and made it my home, and I'm sure anywhere would have had something great to offer in my life...but to be at Yoga Oasis, to know the people I know, to practice with the people I practice with, and to learn from (I seriously believe) some of the most amazing yoga instructors around, people who have studied with Christina Sell, Darren Rhodes (the owner of YO), John Friend, Noah Maze, Manorama, Ulla Lundgren, and so many more...it's like heaven. For me to have even been able to study with Christina, Darren, and even John myself is something I am deeply grateful for, and still absolutely amazed that I have had such opportunities come along my path. What a GIFT I feel my life is; how far I feel like I have come since even last year around this time.

Next planned thing for me is the end of November, Costa Rica for one swwwwweeeeet week with Dear Stephani Lindsey and Christine Lee, my two badass yoga buddies, Stephani foremost my teacher for the past year and almost a half (I think). Time flies when you're having fun! (or getting injured, having days of panic, emotional roller coasters, and so on. haha). It is all part of the process. We should not rush the process, but rather trust the process. Time brings everything. Patience is the key to it all...patience and acceptance....and gratitude :)

To wrap it all up, I want to mention this concept of "space" that has recently been flooding my ears, thoughts, mind, dreams, day to day life, and things in my sight. I kept seeing "Breathe Space" or "Breathe and Be Still" or just "Space". I remember...something I learned a while back, was that in that "space" is where our creative energy lies...and in that "space" we can create anything we want. It's our choice... "What you think is what you get" quoting a teacher quoting a teacher. And after we create something in that space, which starts as a thought, will ripple out into the universe, and become attracted into your life, and maybe into the lives of people around you. You just never know. The universe, in my world, doesn't distinguish good and bad...everything just is...it is what it is. It is what we make of it. It's perfect...

All in all, there is space, in that space we plant a thought, the thought creates a ripple, the ripple spreads and impacts it's surroundings, and everything has to be started by one creative force. That force is you.

That's all for now.

Anything can happen

I just feel like giving you guys an update. :) I'm not feeling super philosophical at the moment, because I'm sleepy and I'm having a bit of an issue in my left forearm, so it's a little difficult to type without any pain. I am trying not to use my pinkie or ring finger, and keep my wrists down as I type to make it easier. :P

The pain started about a week ago...it was just a twinge that I thought was nothing and was going to go away fast. It ended up getting a lot worse, and today it's pretty painful, maybe because I had super Dr. Eric mess with it yesterday when I went to see him to get a rib back in, and then today I finally got the guts to tell Steph that my arm was bothering me. I hate admitting that something's wrong. I don't like having an injury. It makes me feel like a failure...but I'm working on that. I know that this isn't from yoga...I remember it started at work last week, and then I worked all weekend in the kitchen. It's probably from lifting heavy things. I'd assume so...it could be more than just one thing contributing. I'm really watching how I place my hands in yoga practice. Anyway, I got my arm manhandled by Stephani after telling her (it was painfully good...I'm so grateful). She mentioned it could be partly a shoulder issue. Anyway, I have to shout out to the world that she's a FANTASTIC masseuse. Go to her.

The word of the day was Playfulness, and then there was the phrase, "anything can happen"...for sure. You never know.

I wish I would have said something about my arm sooner, and maybe it wouldn't be so bad right now. I mean, it's not the end of the world or anything, it's just that I could have prevented it from getting to this point. I did my research on the area, and found out that it appears to be ECU tendonitis (extensor carpi ulnaris). I did the diagnostic test I found online (pretty cool that you can do that these days). It hurt in the places it said it would if the ECU was involved. The joints connecting my wrist to my ulna, and my ulna to my elbow are where it hurts the most. It also hurts on the back of the hand in between the ring and pinkie fingers. I'm also feeling some tendonitis pain in my left ankle from an old soccer injury. I'm going to juice up on ginger and turmeric this week, starting tomorrow (anti-inflamitory aides of nature!). :)  anyway, enough of that. 

Besides the arm issue, I just wanted to write about how grateful I am lately, and that I feel so blessed to be where I am today. School is going well, and I am almost finished. I am excited to start a new chapter in my life, but I'm also improving at being 'in the moment'. It's great. I'm having an easier time paying attention in my school classes now. It was a rough road last semester, trying to find that balance.

I have amazing friends that I've been able to share good words and lots of love with. I'm in love with them, and I'm so happy to be sharing this life with such wonderful kindred spirits.

Tabetha and I got a new roommate. Her English name is Judy; she's from China, but has lived in the states a while. The only downer is that she doesn't speak much English, nor does she understand it; but at least we can share smiles. That's always nice :) She's in her upper 30s, and she's always cleaning our dishes. Pretty sweet, and kind of a miracle. ha! She just wants to, so I guess I don't see anything wrong wiith that. Tabetha and I are a little OCD though, so we have to check to see if they are clean. It's pretty hilarious.

I feel like I was going to write about something in particular earlier today, but I forgot what it was...I'm sure it'll come back to me in the next few days, and I'll be on that. I just wanted you all to know I'm hanging in there, and that I hope you all are too! Never forget we're all in this life together. I've got to remind myself every day. 

Take care, Love and Wellness to you all! And please pray for me and my tendon issues lately. I'd really appreciate the kind loving thoughts <3

 oh, and...'If you want, ask, or pray for something, be willing to trust the process...

 because the process isn't always the lightest, easiest, or the brightest.

xoxo