To Feel is to be Human

To feel another human being; to feel their feelings, is known as empathy. One who is hypersensitive to the feelings of others is known as an Empath.

I am a feeler; yes... it is difficult for me to say no to someone in need, and when I cannot help someone in need, I find it hard to make eye contact, for fear that I will feel their pain; because I will. The eyes are the window to one's soul. An infants first connection to its mother after leaving the womb is usually through the eyes. It is after this connection has been made, that the infant stops crying and just gazes...in wonder...in awe...in total trust.

We connect with each other through the eyes, and through the eyes, into the soul, the heart, then the entire being of another person.  It's a beautiful thing...
But have you ever noticed, when you have either lied to or hurt someone, or someone has lied to or hurt you, that making eye contact and holding it becomes very difficult, and sometimes impossible? Yes?...this is because, mainly, you are afraid of either feeling their hurt, or transmitting your hurt to them...it's an unconscious awareness... It's a fear of allowing someone inside, deep enough to hurt us...so we look away, because we are afraid to feel pain...
By we, I mean I...

You see, I am sensitive...
I tend to love very deeply...
I tend to love so deeply, in fact, that I give to others, even if that means sacrificing my own needs.

Why?

I couldn't tell you...it's just who I am; it's how God made me. It's my karma. It's the way I'm supposed to be. And no matter how much I wish I weren't this way, somewhere deep inside of me, I know that the way that I am is perfect, and that everything around me, happening to me, cycling through me...is perfect.

It is learning to feel without judgment of myself that I struggle with the most. That is where most of my work is. That, and not allowing what or how I feel to take over my life.

I am breathed by something far greater than myself; I am breathed the same breath as every other living creature in this universe. I am no more than just a small particle on this great and vast horizon; yet I have such a great roll in maintaining the equilibrium of the whole system. We all do.... It may seem like a heavy burden to carry, but the comfort here is that everything is already perfect.

In life, we get hurt...we are supposed to get hurt, otherwise we will never learn, grow, or expand into an even fuller version of ourselves. We would never become who we are truly meant to be. We can't always change an outer circumstance, but what we can change is how we decide to respond to it.
It is always okay to cycle through the motions of anger, hurt, and pain, in whatever order that they come, but eventually, we just have to let go...and let it be...because no matter how much an outer circumstance hurts, there's a value and a purpose for it in our lives.

I'll be honest here; that right now, I'm hurting. There's no one that I blame, and even though before I may have had others to blame, or myself to blame, now, I have no one to blame. I just recognize what I'm feeling, and have decided to move through it in the best way that I can. That's all we can do...and "this too shall pass".

It's not always for the purpose of pain that we have pain; but rather it is for the purpose of cleansing, growth, and expansion that we feel pain. Pain is a piece of the puzzle of happiness. In order to feel happiness, we must also know pain. We must also know that pain does not have to mean that we cannot be happy. Pain just reminds us that love really does exist...because after all, it is in love, where we find the most heartache and suffering.

ॐ Guru Guru Wahe Guru, Guru Ram Das Guru ॐ

~Oh Divine Guide, Divine Guide who carries me across the troubles and turmoil of life. How grateful I am for Your greatness, Divine Guide... you have taken form as the light of God. In that form, guide me always.~

We are all in this together....Namaste.

When Latent Emotions are Uprooted...

Emotions are just like the weather. Some days are sunny, some are rainy, some are windy, some are warm, some are cold, and so on...Today, the Tucson skies have been overcast, but the kind of overcast that brings no rain. Within myself, my mood has been very passive, receptive, and thoughtful, but nothing extreme. During some intense yoga, I could feel something nudging my heart; you know that sudden heaviness of the heart that happens when you feel upset or heart broken. I couldn't get it to go away, so I Just sat with it for the rest of the class. I think I probably became very single-pointed after discovering what I now believe was a latent feeling that I hadn't dealt with...something that I believe has been covered up for months, or maybe even years...something which I believe has been added to over time, and finally my subtle body couldn't handle any more of the weight. I focused on keeping centered and calm, and it went fairly well, and I left class in good spirits.
I didn't have to work this evening, and only have a few assignments I need to work on for school, so I decided to treat myself to some lunch...
Then the feeling came back again, triggered by an outside circumstance that stirred the pot of my already loosened up emotional state. I had trouble enjoying my food, and I left, and then I just started to cry in my car...unaware of the exact reason why, feeling like I was absolutely crazy and stupid because I have nothing to be crying about. I gathered myself for the most part, and started to drive home...the tears kept flowing, uncontrollably. I started thinking about why I could be so emotional right now, and several thoughts drifted in and out of my mind. At first, thoughts of the outer circumstances came up, but I just knew it was something much deeper than that...it's always much deeper. I finally settled on 'abandonment'. I've been abandoned several times in my life; the first experience was being abandoned by my biological father, and then by people along my life journey, men and women alike; friends and boyfriends.
Then I started thinking about myself more...and I realized that I am a lover. I tend to have people that I love more deeply than others; sometimes that love is reciprocated, but when it is not, it's like a knife in my heart. It's when it isn't reciprocated where I tend to find everything that could possibly be wrong with me, and say see, it's "all my fault"....but is it really? Or is there just a lack of communication? I think it's always a two-way street. Whatever happens on one side of the equation will happen to the other side...that's just how the universe works... I've gotten to the point to where I am afraid to say "I love you" to people, or to hug people unless they come to me, because of my fear of being rejected, dropped, abandoned... how does one deal with such a deep rooted experience that has manifested itself in their life? I guess like most other things, recognizing it is the first step to recovery...
although I am a much stronger person now than I have ever been, I am still healing; and I will most likely be healing for the rest of my life. It's all a part of the journey, right?...

The days on which we find ourselves the most sensitive, tender, and vulnerable are the days which have the most to teach us. An outer circumstance may hurt or upset us.... But truthfully, it is by consequence of how we are thinking about and responding to outside influences that ultimately determine how we feel.

" Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn't have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends." ~Unknown

Cyclical

Life goes in cycles...our mood goes in cycles...nature goes in cycles...everything pretty much goes in cycles. Picture a circle (Or check out the diagram I made)...In every circle, there will be a high point (climax), a low point (ditch), and points that lead to both the climax and the ditch. Momentum is what keeps us going, so that we don't get stuck in one space...but what happens when the momentum weakens? We find ourselves either stuck in one spot, or rolling back and forth, between the two in-betweens of the circle, not getting enough power to push through and make full circle.

This is what I call being in a ditch. You may have another name for it; like "plateu" or something. It is where you end up when you are having trouble in a certain area in life, and are having a hard time making decisions related to that struggle within you...so the universe holds you there until you learn the lesson. The lesson learning is our momentum. We continually learn new things, and those new pieces of knowledge and wisdom are what push us to the next level in whatever part of a cycle we are in. Once we reach the climax, we can be sure to expect a new teaching to be brought into our awareness, and to have to repeat the cycle all over again, if we desire to make another full circle... I know that I desire to go full circle in every lesson which is brought into my life. I am grateful to have already made maybe tens of thousands of full circles already in this lifetime, but I know that there are more to come. We are always in a cycle. We never stop. We can get really slow, or we can get crazy fast, but the cyclic nature of all that is will never cease. Here, we can either find fear, or we can choose to find comfort. Most of us fall into fear more often than not, myself included. It is a part of what makes us human. What is amazing is that we can become aware of our tendencies such as the tendency to fear or to reside in anxiety, and through the simple act of watching and shifting our thoughts, we can breathe there, and make the uncomfortable more comfortable in doing so.

I've been battling anxiety after anxiety moreso than usual in these past few weeks. Burried insecurities and thoughts have found their way to the surface...not to annoy me, but to be alleviated...healed...let go of. I just now realized this...as I am writing (I have so much gratitude for the gift of expression through writing). These particular entities do not want to be burried inside of me anymore. I don't want them burried inside of me anymore. They no longer serve me or those who are near and dear to me. They've done their duty and have taught me the lessons that I needed to learn from them...so now the work is in letting go, so that I can make another full circle,completing yet one more small cycle within the larger cycle of a larger cycle of a larger cycle... and continue on.

I hope that this helps you, as much as it helps me writing it... love <3
Namaste