Hello 2013!

Well, I ended my 2012 with a bang! Quite literally, if you consider the crim that happened at my apartment complex. But on a higher note, I made sure I had a wonderful new year's eve.

Monday afternoon, I spent some quality time with a few of my girlfriends. We ate at OPA! Greek Cafe. It was delicious. I admit to having cheese (dairy) and wheat, two of my biggest food group nemises. I'm paying for it now though. ;) We ate, then went to grab tea, and hung out at Parker's place for a while. In the evening, I went to my first ever Journey Dance at The Movement Shala downtown. One word: AMAZING. I felt so free and alive. It was guided, but completely free style...for example, she says, "Paint a rainbow with your hands" or "Caress the floor as you would a beloved's face" and things like that. It was amazing how different everyone was, but how beautiful the heart dance is. I found a partner and we used each other as props. It was the coolest experience ever. I'd definitely do it again, and it shouldn't surprise anyone if I ever get certified to teach that as well as yoga.

After the dance class, I went to my work Cartel, to say hi and grab some good ole green tea, and then headed to the yoga studio for new year yoga with Tanya and Jamie at Yoga Oasis. That too was wonderful! I had a blast! We journaled in the beginning, sang the mantra, "Om sri maha lakshmie namaha" 108 times, and then began our flow through asana. We had to pick a pose to bring in the new year, and all I knew was that I wanted to do a backbend to open up my heart. I originally thought kapotasana, but then I remembered when I was at the John Friend workshop and I got into ganda bherundasana for the first time ever, and how freaking good it felt, how accomplished and liberated I felt. I just knew that that was "the one" pose for the year. The pose that embodies everything I thought of from 2012, and how I want 2013 to feel. In this pose, the chest, neck and chin lie flat on the floor, and shoulders are up and back. The feet reach to touch the head (I can't do the head touching... YET). This symbolizes an anchoring of the heart, all the while keeping the heart open and receptive and willing to love. It isn't the most comfortable pose, which for me, symbolizes how life brings us great challenges, discomfort, pain, etc...but it is all for our own greater good. These challenges force us to grow and expand, and in the end, bring us an exhilerating feeling in our hearts and minds and emotions. It reaveals to us, all that we have accomplished, and all we have survived through, and how we are now in an even better place because of it. I am excited for this year, which I am sure will bring me many, many more lessons to learn, so that I can continue to grow and experience this life to the fullest. I am grateful for those who have blessed my life with their presence and light. I have all I need within my heart, for God lives there. My soul lives and breathes the breath of God throughout my entire being. I am breathed, animated, and loved by the one force which breathes, animates, and loves us all.

Namaste

Shooting at my Apartment Complex

So yesterday, there was a shooting at my apartment complex...not only that, but my car took a bullet, as well as was covered in blood. 
I was planning to leave my place around 3pm, because I was thinking about reading for a while at a coffee shop before a yoga class. At about 2:30, I decided I'd just stay home and watch a movie on netflix, and then head to class after. At around 3pm, I heard two shots outside, but I thought they were just from people playing with fireworks, because people do that a lot around here. I got all my things together and left the apartment around 4:15, to find my car:

I called the apartment complex, thinking it was painball at first, but then I saw the bullets on the ground, and smelled the blood...puddles around my car. While on the phone, I heard the police sirens getting closer, so I guess someone else had already called the cops. They arrived, and then when I realized it was serious and was really blood, I about flipped out. I thought I might throw up. Supposedly two people got into a fight, and I guess people don't fight with bare hands anymore, and use guns, unfortnately. Today I found out that someone was taken into custody and a victim has been hospitalized. I am unsure whether it was a car jacking or just a violent fight between two people who knew each other. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I feel unsafe in this area. 

My realization was that, if I had left when I had originally planned, I could have easily been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and could have been shot myself, but thank God I stayed home a little longer. My friend parker joked, "OR, you could have gotten your car out of there before the damage was done"...true...

Anyway, they blocked off the entire parking lot, and there were many cops, fire dept. came, and investigators came. They finally let me go inside, because it was freezing cold out there. This morning, I found the huge hole which the bullet went through and fell out of my car when I opened the passenger door. I put the bullet in a baggie and took it to the front office where I also filed my own report. We will see what happens next.

This whole thing really puts a lot of things in perspective for me. It's interesting how we hear about all of these shootings around the world, but we sometimes think, "That would never happen to me/someone I love" but honestly, anything can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time. This teaches me to be more discerning of people, more on guard, and more aware of my surroundings. I do feel that guns should be more heavily regulated, because of the harm that they are causing in our world.

Today, I am feeling very blessed to be alive, well, and that my loved ones are alive and well. We just never know when our time will run out.

Happy New Year 

Love 

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If you haven't cried by the end of 2012...

If you haven't cried by then end of 2012, you must have been MIA...I'm not talking baby tears. I'm talking full on sob-mania. There is just something about this year in particular, that has been extremely heavy on the heart; not only for myself, but for at least 95% of the people I know. Whether we have faced death, breakups, unrequited love, physical illness, depression, or anxiety, we have all experienced something, or maybe some things that have made this year an extra difficult one. Collectively, we have all suffered or are currently suffering the pain of separateness...loneliness...no matter how many friends we make, or how much socializing we do, by the end of the day, we come home, take off our "I'm perfectly fine" mask, and everything settles back into reality. The dishes sit dirty in the sink, the laundry pile is mountain high on the bed, the bills sit passively on the table, the dog still needs to be walked and fed, dinner still needs to be made...but wait, I have no food, and the store is closing soon.... and so on...the list never ends, it seems, and the cycle repeats itself day after day...this is the life of the average adult...or pretty close to it. This is where I am grateful for my daily practice...yoga, meditation, breathing, writing, reading...these activities seem to make my life a lot more mindful, as well as meaningful, and I find that when I perform these activities regularly, I'm a much happier and well centered human being. But what happens when we are knocked off course? What happens when we receive bad news, or are criticized, or are faced with a serious problem of some kind? What is it that we do? Some people say "just be calm, and it will get better" I used to say that...I used to live by that principle...but there are others who say, "Let yourself have your mood, damnit!" and I am starting to live by this. Emotions are felt, because they need to be felt. Emotions are there, not to be ignored or numbed, but to be processed and understood. They are God given blessings, no matter how much they hurt, or for how long they hurt. If they are just placed on the back burner to be forgotten about and untended to, then the pile will quickly add up, and it won't take much in order to reach a breaking point. I say, feel the little agitations, the little bouts of sadness, the little bouts of anger and heartache. Allow tears to flow when they start to swell your eyelids...don't force them back...it isn't healthy. The breaking point is an unhealthy place to come to...bad thoughts accompany this level of unkempt emotional baggage. Allow all emotions to process before coming to this point. Allow yourself to understand and accept why it is that you are feeling so.

Today was Christmas. It's a holiday of great joy and gathering. It was the darkest day of the year, and what is supposed to be the most joyous and celebrated day, landed on the darkest and most emotional day for many. There was Christmas yoga today at Yoga Oasis studio, which I am extremely grateful for. I have been on the edge of tears for the past few days, because of some news that I recieved, as well as other emotions that were due for processing. It was a 1hr 15min class, and I cried the whole time. Even in Savasana. The best part is, I didn't try to stop it. I just let it flow, just like I was letting my body flow. The heart openers really got me rolling, thank God for that...in all honesty, and the tear flow and heart sobbing continued a good few hours after. After class, I found support and love from some of my dearest peers. We talked about how if only everyone were more real, the world would be such a better place. We ask each other all the time, "How are you?" and the response, "I'm good, and you?" and the response, "I'm good, thanks." And about 90% of the time, it's complete b.s. We need to stop with the b.s. and get real in order to heal humanity. We're all in the same boat. We all go through pain and heartache. We all experience love and death. We all know! We all understand! We just need to let go and let love in. Why is it that we are so afraid to trust each other? If we all had faith and trusted in one another, imagine what would become of this world. I'm not saying go forth and tell everyone all of your problems. What I am saying is that when you are hurting, when you are in pain, don't just let yourself be there alone. Chances are, there's someone in your life willing to listen and be there. And if someone comes to you, hurting...remember that you would want the same support if you are in pain. Life is reciprocal. We get back what we give. It's the law of nature. That's just the way it is. So I leave this here...as I just needed to process my own thoughts and insights after a very emotional and dark day. Thankfully, I had friends who reminded me of the light within. Namaste.

 

Love has nothing to do with Sex

To have a friend

One must first be a friend

To be a friend

One must first befriend their self

 

To have love

One must first give love

To give love

One must first learn to love their self

 

What does it mean to be in love? My answer is simple, yet may be complex, depending on whoever is reading. To be in love, first of all, has absolutely nothing to do with sex, physical desires, or feeling obligation towards another. To be in love has everything to do with spirit...faith...grace... People fear these three terms, because they are automatically translated into religion. I am not talking religion...I am talking simply about a person's own personal spirituality; a person's own spiritual connection with God, the Universe, the Great Spirit, and however else we humans have found a way to describe where we come from. The good news is, we all come from the same place; all connected, all one (even though we're each our own individual person). To gain that connection is a huge blessing. To gain that connection means spiritual growth and awareness. It does not, however, mean life will become easier. It does mean that life will become more bearable…doable… and that we, spiritual beings in human bodies, are beginning to look inward. When the world outside of us is in chaos, we go inward, and immediately see that maybe the reason it's all chaos on the outside is because it's all chaos on the inside. This is where we have the choice to act...to change...to grow...

A recently blossoming friendship of mine has been an incredibly transformative experience for me, as I walk my own spiritual path. It has shifted something within me, and has uncovered a whole new area of spiritual, emotional, personal, and interpersonal insights for me, and I am grateful. It is teaching me a lot about what it means to love, and to be comfortable with myself, which in turn is teaching me to be open to love from others. What I am experiencing outside of myself is the same as what I am experiencing on the inside world. It’s a mirror, where I learn to love the reflection – flaws and all. The result is that of creating healthy relationships with healthy boundaries, with no expectations…not only with others, but also with ourselves.  

Finding friendship that is genuine is not always the simplest in today's society, where we are all very much drawn into our egotistical selves, instead of our spiritual selves...many friendships today are based upon the "I will give you ___ if you can give me ___" which is more about pleasing the ego than the spirit. Many are codependent-like, which I am sure we have all experienced. The spiritual friendships that we may come by are more like "I want to give you ___, because I want you to be happy, and I wish for nothing in return". The spiritual friendship requires little effort, because the link between the souls is so strong, that pretty much nothing can break it. The spiritual friend is there in times of chaos, madness, sadness...but is also there during times of great joy, and times of great peace. The spiritual friend never leaves your side yet will give you the space you need at any given time, because they understand you in a way that is indescribably beautiful, non-judgmental, loving, nurturing, and caring. The spiritual friendship lies on a strong and solid foundation, large enough for eternal growth together, while also leaving room for each individual to grow on their own. It is a highly supportive relationship to have...it is the essence of love itself, and is something that I wish could be between all human beings...after all, we are all connected...but, I am grateful for those abundant connections which I have in my own life, that lead me to believe that true, real love, does exist...that I do not need to go searching for 'the one' for the rest of my life, because I am happy and in love with my own spirit, which in turn opens me up to receiving that same special love from others around me who are so willing as I am, to give...who are so willing to love and be loved.

Love, is forgiving. Love is limitless...Love begins within the self, and then it expands into every relationship that you have...and what better time to choose love, than right now?

 

"When we align with Nature, magic happens" - John Friend

A Desire for Wholeness

I know...I know...I just wrote a blog three days ago, or something like that. That one was spur of the moment, and I really didn't have a chance to get to everything I wanted to write about. 

Emotions are probably the least understood behavioral characteristics of every human being. Maybe science can give a better explanation of emotion than I could ever attempt to, but science is science. It doesn't answer all of my deepest, most pondered upon questions. 

Empathy...Dictionary dot com defines as follows.(noun): the intellectual identification with, or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

I feel empathy. Every day, I experience it, and I feel the effects and the tole it takes on my spirit. It can be so emotionally and spiritually draining sometimes. When a friend is hurting, whether they are expressing it outwardly or not, I can sense it. I can read between the lines. I can read the body language; even the subtlest things... being an emotional empath can be just as much of a curse as it is a gift. Already a sensitive human being, when I experience the pain and suffering of another individual, I am easy to hurt. I become emotionally vulnerable. One of the hardest things about being an empath, is that I may be able to easily feel others, but I am not as easily able to feel what is inside of myself. It's a connection with the outside, and a disconnection with the inside. 
I think that everyone is empathetic, but on different levels. We are supposed to be able to feel others' emotions and be able to process them in a healthy way. Right now, it seems as though we have a spectrum of people in the world, where people lie at or in between these states: One, people that are completely cut off from everyone else's emotions, and only care about their own. Two, who is the healthy empath, who can process others' emotions, as well as their own emotions, and have established balance and harmony between others' emotions and their own. Three, people who connect with everyone else's emotions, but cannot seem to find that connection with their own....and then there are people in the middle somewhere between one or the other. I don't know about you, but I desire and try my best to land right smack in the middle, at number two. That is the place where I wish we could all be...what a healthy world it would be if we were all number two...but really, we're all over the place...but I guess that is alright.

Yesterday, after yoga, a couple of my good buds and I grabbed tea and talked. They sensed I needed to release something. I even released a good amount of pure crap before that class, but that wasn't enough. I was still holding back. I released a little more as we chatted afterwards, when I was able to explain and process what I was feeling into my understanding of this: If there's any one purpose I have in this life, it is to remind every person I meet, that we are all one. This separateness that we have come to be familiar with in our day to day lives, is the root of all of our pain and suffering. The only way we can fix all of the world problems is by simply remembering something called Love. Separation is painful... just as a tear in a muscle, or a fracture in a bone. Tearing apart what is and always has been meant to be connected will only lead to more pain...more suffering.

I realized that I was suffering, because I had built up stuff inside of me, which was based off of a disconnection I have been experiencing with certain people in my life, which also means I am experiencing the pain of disconnection in all of humanity as a whole. I wrote in my journal about feeling as though I am from some other planet, because I feel so different from everyone else, mainly because of my desire for this wholeness with everything, and because of my heightened sense of others' emotional state. I know that there are many people out there like me though...I've met some, and I have read about some...and that comforts me to know.

Last night, I was able to really release, and in all honesty, thinking about it is kind of funny, and sad at the same time...imagine yourself cleaning your home, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, and all the while, whailing and crying aloud. What a crazy duo... good thing I'm still living alone right now, because I was going nuts, cleaning my physical world, as well as cleaning out my emotional and spiritual world. How much better could it get? Really...
Today, I still feel a heaviness, as if there's still more to release, and it's probably because I've opened up the part of me that needed some relief. I guess there has just been so much build up inside of my heart, that it's too much to let it all out in one bang...I get that...I can sit with and accept that. I can accept that I may need to repeat that sequence of evens again, at least one more time, to get it all out. I may even need to just talk to a friend, and share what I have been feeling....I don't know. 
What I do know is that I am grateful that I understand what it is happening inside of me...that I know how to, in a healthy way, release and cope with whatever comes up. I am glad to be able to identify when I'm going to explode and act accordingly. And last but not least, I am grateful for what it was that lit my last fuse, because I think I really just needed to release. When we build stuff up inside, we become a ticking time bomb, where someone can so much as make a funny face, and before we know it, we're bawling our brains out.

That's all....

 

 

Always something to be grateful for

"There is always something to be grateful for..." My friend's words run through my mind, over and over again.

I think back on how much my life has changed in the past year. During this time last year, my friend Corey, from Phoenix came down and had dinner with my family and I. I am very grateful for him...that he cared enough for me to spend a day with me and my family. He was the one who was always there for me when I needed someone the most in those times. I can remember a little over two years ago, when a dear friend nearly died...and how grateful I was and still am, that he survived and is living on in a very meaningful way. I received a post card in the mail this week, and I cried...I thought that this person did not want anything more to do with me after a huge transition took place in my life....I am grateful that you thought of me....(If you are reading this).

I've been through a lot of change in the last year in particular. I began to realize that I was not thinking for myself. I was always seeking the approval of others. My goals in life became deformed, and were not exactly 100 per cent my own. A domino effect of events began to occur, which pulled me out of the place that I was, and (not lightly) sat me into the seat I am in today. I believe that for every person, there is a different path. God, to me, isn't an old man with a white beard who has preference over one denomination or religion than another. God, to me, is the air I breathe, the blood running through my veins, the wind, and the trees, the waters and the skies...God is the whole universe...a part of you, and a part of me...and we are each a part of one another. God is where I have turned since the times have gotten harder, and it teaches me to stay turned to God, even if times are seemingly not so rough.

To see someone as unequal to oneself is damaging...How can we heal this state of the world when we do not feel oneness? It is true, unconditional love for one another that will heal us; World issues cannot be resolved through war...don't you see?

For the past 8 months, I've been so fortunate to be a part of a community which offers itself fully, not only to within the community, but also to the outside...today I attended a free, donation based practice at YogaOasis with Darren Rhodes, where every dollar given would be given to the Community Food Bank. Together, over 400 dollars were donated, and for every dollar, grants that they have will times it by 9...so, today, my community helped give over 4000 dollars to the CFB in order to help those less fortunate than we, eat. The greatest thing I've learned so far in this community is how to love, and how to forgive...not only others, but also myself. There are dark places inside each and every one of us that only need to be tended to, loved, nurtured, and fed...not avoided, ignored, hated, or starved...When you shine a light into a dark room, the darkness cannot help but dissipate...it's a law of the universe...and it is just the same inside of each and every one of us.

I have finally decided to begin teaching yoga. I will begin by offering free classes; by giving the gift of yoga and community. I start next Thursday, at my home, at 6pm...it is official, and I am grateful to have found something that I am 100% passionate about. All I want to do is help people, help people heal, help people love, help people find who they really are...I don't care whether I get payed or not...as long as I can be a light in the lives of others...the same as the lights in my life who have done all the same for me.... <3 Happy Thanksgiving.

Batteries, Sweat, and Paper Cranes

I suppose it's about time for another update! I'm sorry I have taken so long since the last one; a lot has been happening around me an within me...so I've been taking a lot of time to process it all. I also own a journal that I write in, so I've been doing that a lot lately. Before I write a blog, I usually like to at least have a good understanding of what I'm writing about; in other words, I like to try and process everything and form my own opinion or special insights on a topic before displaying it to the public...and that is why I have my journal. My journal is a private place, where I am free to write anything that is troubling me or occupying my mind; no matter how irrational it may seem. My journal isn't going to judge me; it's just there to be there when I need to release, purge, and renew my mind and spirit.

It has been quite the rocky time lately...one of my good friends, KP posted on my facebook, "without some rocks, you can't have rocky road!!" heh; perfect. I love it; and it is true. It was extra funny, because I was pounding a hippie-vegan version of rocky road ice cream when she posted. (I won't tell, if you don't tell).
It's all so true though; it's the toughest of times that keep us thirsting for what is most important in life. Our taste becomes more easily satisfied...it's like our senses of it all are amplified when we are in our most trying times. The littlest things can bring us such great joy in times such as those, when we just feel like cutting ourselves off from reality or people, or whatever...these are the times in which we go inside..."Go there and Roam" - said a wise Swami... and boy, have I been roaming. It really is amazing what can happen when we take the time out to observe something, sit with it, feel it, grasp it, process it, understand it, and finally come to love it...and then we can use it. My teacherfriend said in class last night, that instead of the universe setting things up for us to have a so-called 'bad day', it's more like an obstacle course, where in one area, you'll learn patience, in another area, you'll learn stability, in another area, you'll learn kindness, and so on... and isn't this true? It is when we acknowledge that life is perfectly set up for us to find lessons in every moment. Every bit of insight and wisdom we crave is already inside of us...we just have to listen, and be with whatever it is, without judgment, and observe...

Like for instance, let's take yoga class last night. I'll just say that it was like we were in a sauna; sweat everywhere, steam rising from our skin, and fogging up the windows, and the wood flooring became a slippery mess...breathing in everyone else's steam....If you're not already used to yoga, and sweating, you may have issues being in this type of environment; but for people like me, it's the best thing ever. Nevertheless, we were hot (or hawt). The concept was to be able to cultivate good virtues in times of madness...like the steamy, sweaty yoga room (it's not even nearly as hot as bikram. I think it was only eighty-something degrees by the time we were done... "warm yoga") Anyway, it was fun seeing even our Steph sweating - she was like the battery of the sauna, and we were the circuits. Without the battery, the circuits won't work, and there will be no warmth. There has to be a desire or a drive (battery) in order for the outcome to BEcome (circuits --> heat and steam). It was like this whole metaphor being put into action; amazingness that maybe I could only see and feel and breathe...someone else may have had a different experience...maybe they were irritated; I don't know...but I was digging my sauna...and my eka pada raja kapotasana. Leaving the room to 30 degree cooler air really made me appreciate the heat we built as well...that brings me back to the rocky road statement...you can't have rocky road without a little bit of rocks...true that.

Yesterday was just full of sweetness for me...it was kind of like the complete opposite of my last few days. There was just a cascade of fortunate or sweet events (and don't forget the sweat events!). I even found a folded paper crane. For those of you who don't know about the cranes; they are symbols of good fortune and love. I was feeling really loved yesterday...by all of existence. It was like the universe was telling me in these subliminal messages, "Hey, see? I love you." I felt it...especially after that paper crane; and I was fortunate enough to share it with a few of my good friends who, out of context, I ran in to on my way to my car. (By the way, I am SO grateful to have so many AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL people in my life) Those little synchronicities make life so exciting. I'm always asking, as my friend Bj says, "How does it get better than this!?" It always gets better, so long as we just trust that life will unfold, and it will be beautiful; no matter what.

LOVE.......<3

Paper Crane: