Picture This, Not Picture Perfect

My mind wanders. Instead of the (usually) loud voice telling me "You're not good enough. You'll never get that pose. You'll never get those abs" and yada yada yada, The (usually) soft whisper of a voice grows louder and says, "You think you can't, won't, or will never, but you're wrong. You are capable of anything". I, the middle man (or woman I suppose) am left befuddled. ..shocked...in awe that somehow, my autopilot self has switched over to a more "energetically efficient" source of power called Positivity. It's not everyday that this side of my psyche is working, so I'm extremely grateful on days like today when it is. I find that when I focus on the positive, my energy levels are increased, I feel better, I have an all around better day. I'm difficult to knock down on these days, or in these moments. When this isn't my autopilot, I have to work in overdrive to maintain a positive state, the best I can. That's not a bad thing. It's just something that I need to be aware of, and know that I can differenciate between true optimism, and forced optimism. In AA and other 12 step programs, they talk about "fake it till you make it", because the longer you fake something, the more real it actually becomes, and then you become it.

I've been pondering a lot about self image. I just read a book called Yoga, From the Inside Out by Christina Sell. She explains so beautifully exactly how I have felt and the things that I've had to go through and experience in dealing with wanting to sometimes crawl out of my skin from a very early age. I suffer from severe Body Dysmorphia. In my younger years, it lead me into cycles of disordered eating, and even into full blown eating disorders. It wasn't until I reached my Junior year in college that I actually got more control over what had been eating me for so long. Much of that control came with establishing a regular yoga practice, starting with asana, leading into meditation, breathing, and svadhyaya (sanskrit for self study). I began to slowly surrender myself to who I was, and to peel off the layers of anger, hurt, pain, false identity, hopelessness, lack of control, fear, worry, doubt, shame, and many others. I started to realize that I honestly had no idea who I really was. I hit bottom. My heart was breaking. In Christina's book, she writes, "It can sound elegant and beautiful to say 'we must open the heart' , but how does it truly open?  I mean truly open wide enough to allow grace to enter in? It breaks open. And in such a way that nothing can relieve the pain of its opening but God." She quotes her teacher who says "Only when the heart is truly broken open, will we know compassion."
Once my heart had broken open wide enough, that was when I could finally begin to find myself.
I've been so fortunate to study with such beautiful souls; souls just like me, perfectly flawed. It is through the flawed who I learn the most from. No perfect teacher could continue to teach me after a period of time, because they have stopped learning if they have become perfect. I continue to learn from the flawed, because the flawed continue to study.

Back to body image...
The other day in class, and other times before it I heard a dear one mention that "when I'm thinner, less round, more strong, I might be able to do__." It broke my heart. We do not need to look for validation from outside ourselves about whether or not we are good enough. All we need to realize is that we ARE good enough. We are all the same. Our body is the temple of our soul. It doesn't matter what the body looks like. The soul will always be beautiful and bright.
What I am beginning to understand after my own battles and from observing the battles of those near and dear to me, there is no perfect body, no perfect pose, no perfect expression. There is only you,. There is only your own body, your own pose, and your own expression. There is only you. There is where you are...there is what makes you feel good. There is where grace can flow most abundantly. Never let your light be shaded, hidden, or dimmed by others' or your own limitations, ideals, or false perceptions. You are perfect just as you are. Your flaws and shortcomings make you who you are....Beautiful you.

This is also my work...this is why I write about it. I hope I have reached your heart.

Love, Light, and Blessings to you, beautiful you. Namaste.

Here I am. 10.5 hours in to my 12.5 hour overnight shift at work. It's 5:30 a.m. and I continue to do rounds and "head checks" every half hour; which becomes every fifteen minutes at 6 a.m.

It has been quite a different experience for me. Easy and difficult, comfortable and uncomfortable all simultaneously. Once I finished up the odds and ends of paperwork and other nightly duties, I painted my nails, ate a snack, read some good reading from Christina Sell's "Yoga from the Inside Out", and then I put in a movie on the computer. The movie is called "Peaceful Warrior". It's about a college gymnast who seeks out help for becoming all he can be, not realizing that the help he asked for was going to change his view on life forever. The whole movie was about (get ready for it!) being in the moment. *gasp*! For real. Somehow, I manage to pick out these types of movies that have deep underlying messages for me. Anyway, if you want to know how he does at the Olympic trials, I suggest you watch the movie....or I actually just suggest you watch the movie, just because it happens to be a really good one. Just putting that out there.

The message I received from this movie, was that, whatever you ask the universe or God, or your higher power for, you will receive. It's definitely wise to think about how you might word what you ask for, because honestly, what you think is what you get. It doesn't matter what you might think you are asking for. Example: "I want icecream" is the same as "I don't want icecream". Why? you ask...well, when either statement comes out of a person's mouth, what visual are they making in their mind? Right! ICECREAM! (maybe that was a horrible example, because I'm lactose intolerant, but you get what I am saying, right?)

Moving along...

I watched the sun rise. I see rabbits eating the grass; there are actually a ton of them; they are like rabbits; everywhere. :)'

I felt like a peaceful warrior, just trying to make it through the night; and here I am...I made it through the night. The sun has risen, and the day is new. Whether I slept last night or not, the day is new. I start over, yet again. It's all about being in the present moment, not fearing the future, being anxious over the past, or feeling helpless because I can't control certain aspects of my life...or can I? What if just by me saying "I can't control", I am subliminally limiting myself as a human being. So maybe the best thing for anyone and everyone is to never say never, to stop saying "I can", and to pursue life in the most positive manner possible.

I hope I am making some sense here...

This is all I'm going to write for now; now, it's back to the rounds, and my last couple of hours of work.

I deeply value my job. I'm so grateful and so fortunate; no matter how emotionally exhausting it can be sometimes, every bit of it is worth every ounce of my energy that goes in to it. It's love that keeps me pushing forward and holding steady. Love and a peaceful, focused mind. :)

Blessings.

Grandmother Willow

Grandmother Willow: Now then, there's something I want to show you. Look. [dips her vine in the water in which glowing ripples begin to form] Pocahontas: The ripples. John Smith: What about them? Grandmother Willow: So small at first, then look how they grow. But someone has to start them. John Smith: They're not gonna listen to us. Grandmother Willow: Young man, sometimes the right path is not the easiest one. Don't you see? Only when the fighting stops, can you be together. 

~ Scene from Disney's Pocahontas

I recently had some time to myself,  and found Pocahontas on Netflix. I watched it all the way through.... It's probably been about 10 years  since I had last seen the movie, so my viewpoint on the story was so much different this time, in comparison to how I thought about it when I was a child. I was stunned at how many references were made to the belief of oneness, and how God is everywhere. By saying God, it can be whatever you believe God to be; whether that's the Universe, the breath in your body, Christ, Shiva/Shakti, etc...or it can be all of it, and all of everything, like I believe.
I went with my boyfriend to visit his grandmother yesterday before I ventured off to yoga (which I will talk about in a moment). The woman was adorable; old, and not all there, but very wise; I could tell. She's lived a good 80 plus years, so she's seen the world change tremendously. She's been through more than anyone my age could ever imagine. She's got wisdom written all over her. She said a few things that reminded me of the impermanence of our physicalities, and the permanence of spirit. What a treat to hear stories from her younger years, and even one about my boyfriend (Mathieu) when he was a small child. Mathieu was playing with some boys in the neighborhood, and they were giving him a hard time saying,
"God isn't real. I can't see him, so he doesn't exist".  Mathieu runs to his grandmother and tells her what they said, and she looked up and prayed for something she could say, and then it came to her to say to Mathieu,
"Mathieu, look, you see the wind, how it moves the trees? You can't see it, but you can see how it moves things. You can feel it caress your skin and blow through your hair. That's how God is. You can't see God, but God is real". Mathieu runs back to the boys and screams,
"GOD IS THE WIND!"
It was such a precious story, touching to my heart. True to my core. I thought about the story of Pocahontas and the conversation between Grandmother Willow and John Smith about the ripple effect. That too is like the wind. There is a creative force behind everything, whether it is something we see as positive or negative. The primary force will always lead to amplification of that force, unless something from the outside intercepts and stops it, or creates a new ripple.

I think of how in our world we suffer from tremendous amounts of anxiety, depression, and codependency, and how we create drama based off of melodramas that we have created in our own heads, which also lead to obsessions, anxieties, fears, and so on...
I feel like nature is where our heart is; where we can reestablish that sense of connectedness, peace, belonging...and rid ourselves of the negative influences, thoughts, and patterns we allow ourselves to put up with on a daily basis.

Kind of switching the topic now...

After visiting Mathieu's grandmother, he went to tennis, and I went to yoga. I had planned to go to Travis Arnold's expanding class, since now I can, and it's great! Something came up though, and he wasn't able to make it in time. We joked around with Stephani Lindsey who happened to be subbing for Darren Rhode's Basics class at the same time, and said, "why don't you just teach us at the same time; run back and forth, or something". We all giggled and made light of the whole situation, secretly hoping we'd actually do something like that, and before we knew it, we actually merged into the big room, split the classroom down the middle, and Stephani taught Basics and Expanding simultaneously (who does that???) ...not even that, but the sequences were entirely different...nothing alike at all...it was very impressive and such a cool experience. I'm so glad I was there! Lucky for sure.
I got to thinking, I am so fortunate. I could have landed my butt in any yoga studio in town and made it my home, and I'm sure anywhere would have had something great to offer in my life...but to be at Yoga Oasis, to know the people I know, to practice with the people I practice with, and to learn from (I seriously believe) some of the most amazing yoga instructors around, people who have studied with Christina Sell, Darren Rhodes (the owner of YO), John Friend, Noah Maze, Manorama, Ulla Lundgren, and so many more...it's like heaven. For me to have even been able to study with Christina, Darren, and even John myself is something I am deeply grateful for, and still absolutely amazed that I have had such opportunities come along my path. What a GIFT I feel my life is; how far I feel like I have come since even last year around this time.

Next planned thing for me is the end of November, Costa Rica for one swwwwweeeeet week with Dear Stephani Lindsey and Christine Lee, my two badass yoga buddies, Stephani foremost my teacher for the past year and almost a half (I think). Time flies when you're having fun! (or getting injured, having days of panic, emotional roller coasters, and so on. haha). It is all part of the process. We should not rush the process, but rather trust the process. Time brings everything. Patience is the key to it all...patience and acceptance....and gratitude :)

To wrap it all up, I want to mention this concept of "space" that has recently been flooding my ears, thoughts, mind, dreams, day to day life, and things in my sight. I kept seeing "Breathe Space" or "Breathe and Be Still" or just "Space". I remember...something I learned a while back, was that in that "space" is where our creative energy lies...and in that "space" we can create anything we want. It's our choice... "What you think is what you get" quoting a teacher quoting a teacher. And after we create something in that space, which starts as a thought, will ripple out into the universe, and become attracted into your life, and maybe into the lives of people around you. You just never know. The universe, in my world, doesn't distinguish good and bad...everything just is...it is what it is. It is what we make of it. It's perfect...

All in all, there is space, in that space we plant a thought, the thought creates a ripple, the ripple spreads and impacts it's surroundings, and everything has to be started by one creative force. That force is you.

That's all for now.

I'm on a Beach

The weather is really nice today...I'm sitting outside on my apartment "balcony" in this pink round chair that I've had since God knows when...but I absolutely love it. It takes me way back. The breeze is cool and gentle...it's nice, compared to the unsettling, uprooting winds that have dominated the atmosphere for these past few days. Yesterday was the hardest for me, because my assignment at work was to work in the milieu (out on the grounds; security/supervision) for 6 hours. The walking was sure nice though, and visiting with and getting to know the people there, but my allergies started to really get the best of me. It passed; as all things do.
Today was the first Sunday in two months that I have had off. It was quite a treat. I slept in, then ventured out and went to yoga (of course. I am so predictable). I went to an 11:30 yoga hour, and then to the 1:30 practice right after having a nice iced Lemon Souffle herbal tea from the nearby cafe. Both classes were awesome, even though I am a bit sore in my calves and shins from a jog I went on yesterday morning. We did a lot of standing poses and arm balances; I think the crowd was feeling it, even before we began, because that's how we were all warming up. I think it's pretty awesome when things are all synced up like that.  There are some days during The Practice, where we just can't contain our inner giggles and explode it all into the room while we run through the sequence. I think it's hilarious when that happens, and it makes my day so much brighter. I believe laughter is good medicine. I think it's amazing that even if we're going through a challenging time, we can still find a bright place in our hearts, and go there for some nurturing and regenerating...or even to just 'escape' the dramas, melodramas, emotional baggage, or other circumstances of this life. I am so grateful for today; for every bit of it.
The clouds were rolling in, as if we were to expect some rain, but it was a teaser (darn!). And as I'm sitting in this chair, I can see the sun setting behind the mountains, making pretty colors in the sky and in the clouds which remain.
My thoughts drift...I daydream, or I play movies (melodramas) inside my head. Sometimes they get pretty distracting and my focus gets thrown off...but I'm working on that; working on coming back into the present moment, where there is peace and pleasure in the simplest things; the breath, the breeze, the trees, the sunset...the random outbursts of laughter in the company of friends. It all reminds me of the beauty of this life. Rather than allowing myself to be distracted by things that bring me anxiety or emotional disturbances and upsets, I know that I can come back to the sweet 'little things' in life, and be re-centered...renewed...rejuvenated.

A few people asked me today if something was wrong, and my response was, "I don't know yet", because I really don't know. So many things are processing through my heart and mind at this current time in my life. I'm graduating in 6 days, I have a new love interest, I'm transitioning into the 'real world', I have new goals, dreams, desires, wants, and needs, and I'm still trying to accomplish and reach all the ones I have set previously. It's a work in progress, and I guess it will always be a work in progress...until we die. ha...but that's okay.
Regardless of how I feel at any given moment, I can say that I am truly enjoying my experience here in this life that I am living. Everything is a lesson, and it is all a part of the journey. The challenge is to stay on course, to not let the wind knock me over, and to keep my eyes on the road ahead, and never look back.
It's getting dark now...it's kind of weird that it's 7:20pm and it's still a little bit light outside. I think it's funny how easily I forget how late the sun stays up in the summer, and how early it sets in the winter. It's one thing that reminds me of my child-likeness. I'm grateful for that.
heh...my roommate from China just came home, saw me, and said, "You on a beach!" I smiled, giggled, and said, "yeah, something like that." It's the little things...

That's all I have for tonight. Peace, love, and light to you. I hope my blogs help someone in some way; it helps me to sit here and pour myself out to the world regardless. Thank you to those of you who read; feel free to comment here or to write me at astrogee0428@gmail.com or hit me up on facebook at  www.facebook.com/agee91

05/06/2013
***Update! We did in fact get some rain. A nice, amount too. The smell this morning is phenomenal. I got to experience some of the light pitter patter as I went back out to sit in my pink round chair, curled up into a ball, listened to light music in the background, breathed in the desert rain aroma, and felt the coolness of the night caress my body to sleep.***

TRIGGER!!!

and so we hit a big brick wall; the kind that stops you dead in your tracks and waves a big red flag in your face...TRIGGER! Trigger, trigger, trigger....we all have those. What certain situations, words, people, places, etc. drive us to fall back into an unhealthy behavior.

The dialogue starts to chit chat in between my ears

"You're so picky. You always have to have it your way. Why do you have to be so sensitive? Why can't you just eat like everyone else?"....and yada yada yada....

My graduation is soon...next saturday, May 11...and my family wants to have me for the whole day. I can handle that...they want to have a celebratory lunch, but I never recall being asked, "Ashley, what would you like for lunch?" it's just "We're having burgers and hot dogs and turkey dogs; and we can grill a fish for you if you want that instead" And I freeze...like, "haven't I said a million times that I'm a vegetarian? That I don't eat dairy or gluten or high sugar high fat foods because they upset my whole system, turn my mood sour, and make me feel disgusting?" I replied actually saying, "I will just have the fish...I don't do meat or dairy ever" and then two minutes later, "What would you like for dessert? Cake, frozen yogurt?" me, thinking "Didn't I just say...." and here I go, right for the fridge, failing at what I had attempted not to do. Eating because my emotions were hungry. Because I felt empty, unheard, unimportant, not opinionated...even for something like my graduation/birthday celebration... Never being able to choose, always having to make the sacrifices for everyone else....all these thoughts run through my head, and finally I stop, half way through a chocolate hippie vegan coconut ice cream from Trader Joe's..."TRIGGER! Dammit...." but I stopped. I stopped in the midst of a brief moment of chaos in my head...I assessed the situation....I stopped. That's what matters. Like I mentioned in the blog I just posted before this...."it's the picking up of the self that matters the most"...An outer circumstance is an outer circumstance. We can't always choose how people are, what people do, or how they think...but what we can choose is how we respond...we can be strong in the gusty winds that attempt to knock us off our feet. It's also part of the lesson.

"Don't take anything personally".....they aren't doing it to hurt me...they just don't realize that what they do hurts me....or what they don't do might suffice as a better phrase...

I'm finished now.... Told you I'm human...

Endure and Carry On

I've finally finished writing blogs that were also written for a Technical Writing class that I have endured this semester, although, I'll probably continue writing stuff like that in the future. It's sort of been inspirational to me...In a way, it has unlocked some 'stuff' inside my head that can assist me in opening my heart even more as a write. It was a challenge, but I've learned much from it...so I am grateful.

And now, to the blog...

There's something special about this time of year; all of the beautiful blossoms are beginning to appear and flourish  atop all of the prickly cacti in this dry and hot climate of Tucson. The flowers are so beautiful, that I can forget about the heat for a moment as I'm walking, and just gaze in awe at the beauty that surrounds me. I take a sniff of the flowers, and maybe a photo, and I carry on walking wherever I'm walking to.
Not only are the flowers blooming and the temperatures rising, but this time of year also marks transition--transition into the new from the old...expansion (maybe some contraction) of the self. Challenges arise as we make our way into the future; especially the challenge of staying present and not worrying about what lies ahead...knowing that everything will fall into perfect placement, no matter what.

My teacher, but who I'll also call my friend, I've seen enduring the hard times with so much strength, so much passion, so much focus, will, and determination...so much dignity. It is so  inspiring...so moving...so full of meaning. I sit back and think of how, over time, the way in which I respond to life's many circumstances has so dramatically changed. I would isolate, grow depressed, eat (or not eat, depending on the circumstances), and drown myself in unhealthy behaviors. I would cycle through the same old patterns again and again, and then one day, it became clear to me that those behaviors weren't me. The real me was in there, somewhere, but the addiction to my own suffering kept me from getting to her. Every day, I have to make a conscious decision to be bright and positive. I have to choose every day (and even several times a day) to turn my back on unhealthy behaviors, thoughts, attitudes, and so on. It's a constant battle, a forever practice, because, hey...I'm human....thus, I'm not the image of perfection, and I do slip time and time again, but it's the 'picking of the self back up again' that matters most. The fall is just a fall, another chance for a lesson...another chance for growth.

I read a quote today, it comes from Alan Watts: “The transformation of consciousness undertaken in Taoism and Zen is more like the correction of faulty perception or the curing of a disease. It is not an acquisitive process of learning more and more facts or greater and greater skills, but rather than unlearning of wrong habits and opinions. As Lao-tzu said, ‘The scholar gains every day, but the Taoist loses every day."

We, as humans...me, as Ashley, live this life, unlearning all the negative things that we've learned over time; whether we learned them from our friends, family, society, or so on...and to learn again, as a child, how to love.

In Yoga class today, Stephani Lindsey quoted Manorama, "“Your life is for figuring out your life.” ... and she added on, "No one is going to do it for us." It's unseemingly true. We all have our own karma, we have our problems, our triumphs, and our failures...but the key is to keep on getting back up, every time we fall, and continue on the path stronger than we ever were before.

I took this photo outside of Yoga Oasis Central today. I was absolutely in awe of these flowers, because from far away, it looks like one flower, but then when you get up close, you realize that the one big flower was made up of a bunch of little flowers.... All of the pieces come together to make a whole. We humans are just like that, aren't we... We all work together, with our own little purposes, for one greater purpose...all of what we do may be small, but I think that  it means a whole lot to the bigger picture.

"What is to give light must endure burning."

Viktor E. Frankl

It's the End Where We Begin

I have found over time that establishing a yoga practice is not a quick and easy process. It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience for development and growth to occur. In the beginning, as I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs, I was so focused on getting into advanced postures before I was even remotely ready. I just wanted the pose!  …and then, I got injured. Since then, I’ve learned that growth is a never-ending process that requires infinite patience, infinite desire, infinite passion, infinite focus, and many other infinite things. I’ve come to find that there is even this infinite trust that underlies everything else.

When I realized that I needed to build my foundation from the ground-up, as well as from the inside-out, that is when my practice truly began. It was this realization that moved and touched me in the deepest areas of my being, and gifted me with the willingness and the desire to practice. “Practice, Never Perfect”, says one of my teachers, quite often.

Since I began, I have been made aware at how my practice has grown. To me, the evidence of growth lies not purely in one’s ability to move from posture to posture in the most graceful of manners, nor the ability to hold a super-advanced pose like Kapinjalasana (pictured). 

One can have the physical capacity to do all of these amazing things, but still have an absence of, or an incomplete practice. The true evidence of my own growth lies in the way that I carry myself, speak to myself, interact with the world and others around me, and then yes, the physical abilities that come with practicing asana regularly. The physical practice is just a physical manifestation of the greater whole of the practice; the greater whole of life as it is. When this is realized, then, your practice begins.