Be the Light - My Experience, My Review

I just returned from a week long yoga retreat in Costa Rica, lead by Christine Lee and Stephani Lindsey, at Hacienda del Sol retreat center in San Juanillo, Guanacaste, Costa Rica. No words can describe how wonderful and perfect it was. The journey there was long, and took about 12 hours in total to get to Liberia from Tucson. I traveled alone, all the way until I reached Liberia, where I met up with another retreater, Gail, and we met our taxi driver for a 2 hour drive to the center. On the first flight from Tucson to Houston, I had the pleasure of watching the sun rise. It was remarkable.
I decided to take this trip in July, and had no idea that the timing would be so perfect. I have been struggling with drama and stress at work, and it had started to take its toll on me. Fortunately I have been able to confide in friends and coworkers  during the time leading up to the trip; it kept me sane for the most part.

Once we arrived to HDS, we were greeted by the lovely manager, Meg, who showed us to our open-air cabinas (cabins) and then took us up for dinner. We met everyone in the dining area, and began to eat. The food was mostly raw, with a little cooked stuffs here and there, as well as occasional fish throughout the week. The food was so amazing, and regulating. I think most of us revamped our entire systems by the end of the week ;)

The cabinas, once again, were open-air, meaning air could freely flow through the window screens. We were provided with mosquito nets over our beds, which may I add, made me feel sort of like a princess. The sounds at night lulled me to sleep, whereas nature also became my alarm clock in the mornings. The birds would chirp and sing, and Stef described one of the bird songs as sounding like the Thrift Shop song by Macklemore. LOL! There were also noises of howler monkeys, crickets, frogs, armadillos (walking around), as well as fireflies lighting up the night. There were fireflies in our cabin one night, and it was pretty awesome. My roommate was Anne, and she's also from Tucson. She's such a lovely person, and I am so grateful that I was able to room with her for many reasons.

The daily schedule was as follows:
7:30 am 30 minute mantra, pranayama, and meditation w/ Stef and Christine
8:30 am Breakfast
9:30 am 2 hour asana practice w/ Stef and Christine
12:00 n  Lunch
(FREE TIME)
4:00 pm 1 hour yin or restorative asana/ pranayama w/ Stef
5:00 pm 1 hour personal development w/Christine
6:00 pm Dinner
(FREE TIME)
*On the second day, we had a full moon ceremony after dinner
*On the last day, we had a Closing/Gratitude circle before dinner

The days were structured very nicely, and Christine and Stephani were both very flexible (hehe) and accomodating to everyone's needs. If people wanted to skip things, they could, no problem. Some of the group went on excursions, although I decided not to, since I've done most of the excursions that they offered the last time I was in CR. I just wanted to retreat. On the second day, Anne and I went to the black sand beach, which was about a 20 minute walk (kind of hike-ish). It was so relaxing and rejuvenating to spend time in the ocean, playing in the sand, doing handstands and back bends, taking pictures, and jumping in the waves. I felt like a child again...so free.

On asana:
As the days progressed, the morning practices became more and more intense. The sequencing was different everyday, although we would build on certain things each day from the previous days. We did everything under the sun. We even had the opportunity to work with partners when doing handstands and forearm stands, as well as urdva dhanurasana (wheel) and assisted downward facing dogs. Stef and Christine would take turns teaching the morning class, and during the evening class, Stef would teach alone. The evenings were nice and refreshing; headstand, shoulderstand, forward folds, twists, and hip openers. Christine and Stephani both did a fabulous job teaching and co-teaching. When one of them taught, the other would walk around and gently adjust those of us who needed adjusting. Both were very nurturing and careful in their adjustments and direction. It was incredible to watch everyone progress and become stronger throughout the week. It was magical.

On meditation:
Every morning we would chant the Ganesh mantra, Gayatri mantra, and Sarve Bhavantu Sukhina mantra.
Following mantra, we did what was called a Quadrinity Check, where we would scan our body and make a mental note of how we are physically feeling, then we would scan through our thoughts and make a note of what we had been thinking about since we woke up, then we would scan our heart for the emotions we felt, and lastly, we would focus on the place behind our heart, also known as "the cave of the heart", where our True Self resides, underneath all the physical, mental, and emotional aspects of ourselves, and we would ask ourselves, "true self, is there anything you want me to know today", and we would wait. Sometimes, there was nothing...other times, there were images, words, or sensations which were only of good nature. After the QC, we practiced pranayama. We did something different every day, like Nadhi Shodana, Ujayi, Square Breathing, and Breath of Fire. After pranayama, we sat in a 10-15 minute silent meditation. There were of course sounds around us, one woman who almost always around the same time every morning would be on the phone talking about dealing drugs, or workers blending smoothies for breakfast, cracking open coconuts, kitchen staff conversing with one another...at times, these distractions made it difficult, but we were told to let those distractions remind us to come back to our breath. I noticed progress over the week. No matter what, I always came out of that meditation room feeling more grounded and centered than I had when I walked in.

On community
Most of us had no idea who each other was. The only people I knew were Stef and Christine, but everyone else was a stranger.

Gail:
I first connected with Gail when we were picked up by our taxi at the Liberian airport. I noticed a woman sitting outside, and I somehow knew it was her. I asked her if she was Gail, and she bursted up and we hugged each other...complete strangers! It was like a soul reunion. We had quite the adventure getting to HDS, as the bridge was closed on one side, and only one lane of traffic could go at a time. It took us about 30 min longer to get to HDS than expected, and we were both getting our patience tested. I think we were both grateful to be in each other's company, and we made great conversation on the ride. She is a retired grade school principal who found out about the retreat randomly online, not knowing either teacher or anyone going. She's a brave one! She just started getting really in to yoga, and loves it. I'm glad! She's amazing.
Anne:
We were roomies! I can't describe what a wonderful creature she is. She lights up the whole room when she walks into it. She's from Tucson also, and works for Aveda skin and hair care. She's also one of Stephani's students. I never met her until the retreat, so I'm really glad she came! She's asked me if I would want to teach yoga to the students at Aveda Institute and receive free services in return, and I would be silly not to take up that offer! She was such a comfort to have around, and I would steel inscence from the colema (coffee enema) stalls and burn them in our room some mornings and nights. We could just sit in silence and be completely comfortable. It was nice to have her energy around. We had so much fun at the beach, as I talked about earlier. I'm just really glad to have met her.
Bonnie:
She's so wise, confident, and beautiful. She had some of the best wisdom to share with the group, and she also has this knack for tasting every single ingredient in a dish. It was awesome! If we wanted to know what was in something, we just asked her, and she'd most often have it right! She was adorable and such a treat to be around.
Trish:
She is such a grounding and stable woman. It was hard not to get sucked into her peaceful energy when she was around. I didn't get to talk to her much, but when we did talk, I found her to also be very wise, confident, and beautiful.
June:
She had a child like way of figuring out asana. She always has some really great questions during practice, and always had a desire to learn more. It was refreshing to have that as well. She has this way of making people think. She was also great with spanish!
Melissa:
Such a soul sister. We have been going through similar stuff, therefore we were able to connect at a heart level and speak to each other of our hardships. She is so fun and loving, and good natured. She also wore the most awesome colors every day! I loved having her sense of humor around.
Danielle:
She was the most mothery of mother figures to have around. She has a baby back home, and would skype with him every night! It was the most adorable thing to see. Like me, she's a sensitive being, sensitive to others' emotions and to strong personalities, so we were able to connect on a lot of things. She was also very grounding and nurturing to be around. That child of hers is so fortunate!
Wes:
The only male on the retreat! He was so funny! He was also very respectful and kind to everyone. He was there to learn, and was open to anything. I also noticed how he would take care of himself and take a break if he was feeling tired. He was a fun person to be around.

Christine: Dear Christine, I met about a year ago. I met her in Stephani's class one night, and was like "who is this badass next to me?" She's got such a loving and kind energy and is probably one of the funnest people I know. It was puring rain on the second to last night of the retreat, and she goes to her room, puts on her bathing suit, and runs by the dining area screaming "COME SWIM WITH ME!!!" and was jumping around like a crazy person. It was hilarious...so we all get into the pool eventually, and we start playing games and acting like absolute lunatics. Christine got us doing synchronized swimming, which will be on youtube soon, I'm sure, and then she had us play some farm animal game where we had to scream the sound of a rooster, pig, or cow to find other roosters, pigs and cows, while our eyes were shut. The management came out of their rooms to see what the hell was happening, and they were so in awe at how much fun we were having without being under the influence of any type of substance...I'll never forget that night, and I'm so grateful for Christine's fun loving and carefree nature. I am also grateful for the personal development work she brought us this week, which I will elaborate more on later. She's very wise, generous, and friggin happy. I love it. ANNND I think this is just the beginning :)

Stephani:
My teacher, my sister, my friend. Wow...I've spent almost 2 years with her. No words can describe her influence in my life, other than that she's definitely a special force within it; a guiding light, and a reminder and reflection of the light within myself. Not to mention, she's absolutely hilarious, all the time, and her smile brightens up everything within a very large radius. She has much wisdom, love, and compassion to offer the world, sees life like poetry, and lives from her heart. She's someone I look up to immensely. She gives so much of her self, all the time, and sees that it is her duty to serve others, and serving others makes her happy, gives her strength, and keeps her fire burning. She's been a perfect roll model, confidante, mentor, teacher, and friend to me; through the highs and the lows. She's a force to be reckon with, that's for sure. I look forward to many more years with her...as she grows, I also grow, and I am deeply grateful for her presence in my life.
Also, there was this experience with a beautiful blue butterfly, and all I can say is that it was one of the sweetest, most magical things I've ever seen. She basically saved this butterfly and set her free back into the jungle. It was amazing...and wonderful how much the butterfly was able to let go and just trust that she was safe...it was for sure an awe moment...and a reminder of how love will set you free.










On personal development:

This work was almost like an emotional survival game. We received tools to help us work through emotions, and protective layers that we have which are there to keep us from sitting with and feeling what we are actually feeling...and both of those laters, the protective and emotional layer, are what keep us from experiencing our true Self.
We were asked to journal on a certain topic nightly; some topics included:
- What do I want in my life?
- "I am" statement (ie: I am a compassionate, loyal, genuine, energetic, peaceful, poetic, open hearted, luminous being, who is grounding and reassuring to others, and who's purpose in life is to guide others to the discovery of their own light) <<- What were all of you craziest and wildest dreams as a child?
- What are my fears?
- IN what ways to I play small in my life?
- What does it mean to me to let my light shine?

We discussed how to break and transform patterns, and were given tools and ideas on how we can attempt to work on ourselves before seeking professional help. We talked about how old patterns are the Samskaras, ones which are like deep, learned grooves in our brains; things that are automatic...it's the same as retraining someone's automatic response who has PTSD...it works the same way.

I went through a short period of time on this trip where I just felt completely overwhelmed with emotions, things that were triggered by the PD classes, and I felt my entire being become flooded with anxiety, anger, pain, loneliness, and others. I eventually processed it all, and eventually, with help, I returned back to balance, and everything was better after it all happened. I think I just needed to feel it. It needed to happen. I had been keeping things bottled up inside of me, and not allowing myself to feel them until that moment. It was a pivotal point for me...and I'm grateful for it. The work is always there, and now that I have tools to work with, I see myself making a lot of progress in the future.


Now I sit here on my couch at home, writing about my experience, but also knowing that this does not do it justice...it's one of those things that, "you'd just have to be there" to understand how amazing and transformational it was. It seems that there will be more retreats to look forward to in the future. As I look ahead, I see myself attending many retreats, as well as one day hosting some. I am absolutely stoked about life, and what I have to offer the world. My mission in life is to be of service...to spread my light and share it with ever single being I come into contact with. All things are possible... anything I put my entire self to, mind, body, and spirit, will come to pass, and from this day forward, I set the intention be the light, wherever I go...no matter what may come.

Namaste: The divine light in me sees, recognizes, honors, and loves the divine light in you.

Om Sarve Bhavantu Sukhinah
Sarve Santu Nir-Aamayaah 
Sarve Bhadraanni Pashyantu
Maa Kashcid-Duhkha-Bhaag-Bhavet 
Om Shaantih Shaantih Shaantih 

 Om, May All become Happy,
 May All be Free from Illness.
 May All See what is Auspicious,
 May no one Suffer.
 Om Peace, Peace, Peace.

What you Sew, you Reap

I watch as the smoke of the incense spirals through the air in the room, making intricate shapes as it dances around me. The fragrance is soothing and calming...

My thoughts drift into memories, wishes, to dos, anxieties, worries, and fears...and I snap back into the present moment. "label those things as thoughts, and return to your breath"...as my bikram teachers say throughout the class. I breathe...my mind wanders, I catch it, and I return to the here and now...and then my mind wanders again, and I catch it again, and then I return back to the here and now once more...and then again, and again...it is an intimate dance, between mind, body, and spirit; one which is complicated, yet so simple at the same time. I look for the connection between the three, yet also for the separation...meeting in the middle is supposedly where bliss is found...acceptance...ananda.

I wish I were as good about journaling as I used to be...it can be difficult when there is a lack of time. I'll think of something really great, and I'll think, "I will write that down later" and my mind so easily discards the thought, as though it were never there. It's an annoyance at times, and sometimes it's nice to have the ability to just let things go. Letting go is hard for most. I remember when I had a really hard time letting certain people go in my life, and when I finally did, there was an almost instant sense of ease within me.

I was listening to a conference call last night, where my brother Chris was speaking, and he said something that made so much sense to me, and touched a place in my heart that needed the touching. He said, "you cannot reach others unless you reach yourself first". I've been believing this a lot lately...I started trying to reach myself, and that was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but when I finally reached myself, I found that I had in fact been neglecting and abusing myself so much...forgetting that I, too am important. It's an unconditional love that we so desperately need from ourselves in order to be able to unconditionally love and have compassion for others.

My job at the drug and behavioral health rehabilitation center requires a lot of me...It takes and takes and takes, yet it also gives and gives and gives. As stressful and as taxing as it may be, it has taught me, and continues to teach me a great amount. It has been such a great teacher in my life. The patients I work with have been such great teachers. The co workers I have had to work and deal with have been great teachers. Regardless of my relationship with all of these people and what I think and feel about the way some of them are, or the way they treat me or others, or the way that they behave and/or handle situations, they are still my teachers. I have to dig really deep within myself to find compassion for the ones that hurt or wrong me, in work life and in my own personal life...but the compassion is always there. We just have to get out of our own way sometimes. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it... Finding compassion and unconditional love for others inside of myself is a way for me to give, not only to those receiving such feelings, but also for myself. When I hold on to thoughts and feelings which do not serve me, or those around me, I am harming myself and others with the things that I hold on to...but primarily, I am hurting myself. When I choose to let things go, and to breathe and to just let myself feel those feelings, then let them pass, I am giving myself a great gift of just being, feeling, and breathing...

I heard a saying the other day, my friend was telling me that she heard someone say that the phrase "this too shall pass" came from an ancient Sufi saying which would make the sad man happy and the happy man sad...because all material things are impermanent. All circumstances, good or bad, will come to an end...so the whole idea is to just be present...to breathe through and just be with whatever comes, and to accept it as it is.

I remember also the saying, "what you sew, you reap"...so whatever we are sewing into others and/or ourselves, we will also reap. If we sew in hatred and negative thoughts into someone else, we will reap the same...and the same with love, compassion, and positivity...

I will leave it at that... thank you for reading.

Namaste

Blurred Lines

They say, "if you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it was meant to be, all along".

I've let go of many things I've loved as I've lived...Some things never came back to me, but others did. I guess...not only things, but people too. I've had falling outs, disconnects, and just simply loss of contact with certain people, only to find that in some mysterious way, they fall right back into my life, as if they had never even left it.
The people that come back like this, I call my guardians...my angels...my soul friends...practically like family. There's something special about these relationships that I have with them...they aren't normal; but they are beautiful still. Some are like mothers and fathers, guiding me in the right direction, and nurturing my spirit. Some are like sisters and brothers, with whom at times, I get into arguments or have disagreements and misunderstandings with, and even still, we love each other and love being around each other. These people are like my support system...my network of like-hearted and like-minded individuals, whom I can trust and find great joy in my relationships with them...these are the people who understand me the most...who see me at both my best and my worst. It's all so fascinating to me...

One of my best friends and I had a falling out a while back, and didn't talk for about a year...and one day, I received a letter from this friend...my mind initially went to "why would this person want anything to do with me?" I remember not responding for a while, and that was when I received another letter...by then my heart sank. I responded at last, and ever since, for the past 9 months, we've kept in contact in this way. I get to see this friend for the first time in almost 2 years this week. I'm a mixture of excited, scared, nervous, and grateful...but mainly grateful. I honestly thought that I'd lost my friend forever...but God didn't let that happen...I'm not sure why...not at the moment, but all I know is that I'm very grateful that I did not lose my friend. I am also grateful for the time I had separate from my friend, because that is the time when I learned the most about who I really was...I gained experience and insight in myself, and realized that I'm so much more than I really thought I was. I just thought I was some person, here on Earth to do labor, eat, and then die...but now I see that I am so much more than that. I am joy, happiness, love, peace, beauty. I am everything...and one with all that is...just simply a piece of the greater puzzle in this mysterious, vast universe we live in. It amazes me to think about life...sometimes I have to stop myself from thinking so much, because I realize that there's a lot that I'm just never going to know...I used to not be okay with that, but now I am.

One of my dear friends has recently been helping me a lot lately...guiding me, yet also being a support and a listening ear. I'm grateful for that. There are things that have come up for me lately that I never really would have thought so deeply about before, but now, with my life experience, it seems important to contemplate before acting. Why do we act impulsively, without meditating on something first? I think that maybe it's the ego that acts as such an impulsive body, and we as humans get so wrapped up in egotistical thinking that we forget about the deeper, more important pieces of the puzzle.

There is someone recently in my life who has just sort of randomly popped up, who I've gained a huge interest in. He is always so kind to me, always asks me questions about myself, and always seems to want to talk to me when I am around. I am almost dumbfounded at this, because I'm so used to being the one who's asking all the questions. But for some reason, I find myself a little shy and also scared, because I've been rejected many times in the past. I do find him charming, attractive, sweet, and intelligent...but I also find him mysterious...maybe that's what really draws me in...
It would be easy for anyone to say, "just ask him to tea or coffee" but there is a boundary there that I am not so sure I should be crossing...I've learned in life, that one should steer clear of getting into intimate relationships with their teachers...in fact, this is what my friend had advised me...but I never intended on this man to be my teacher; I only by coincidence of time end up taking his classes more often...not by choice really... so it's a complicated situation in my head. It's not like he is a school teacher; he teaches yoga. I guess that's where the line is blurred for me...

I guess this is just one thing that I'll have to sit and watch unfold. I feel uncomfortable actually saying or doing anything about it, because I don't know what the response will be, and I also feel like some things are "better left unsaid" ...for now anyway....

There's not much left for me to write about...this post was a bit more personal than my others, but I really just needed to get some things out in the open...and see what the universe might send back to me...

Thanks for reading...Namaste.

We are all Butterflies; and the Earth is our Chrysalis

I just recently attended a workshop called Emerge from your Chrysalis State; taught by the lovely Stephani Lindsey, in the beautiful Flagstaff, AZ. I always learn a lot of things from her, as she has been my main teacher since March, 2012, but this time, the main things I learned were not as much physical as they were spiritual. (Although I received a lot of refinement in my alignment, and gained new physical insights throughout the weekend that are sure to deepen and expand my practice). I dug deep within myself to really search for what was not yet found...to find the pieces of me that I have still been missing and needed to recover in order to move forward in my life as well as in my practice.

Patience is my mantra these days. I'm a serious yoga student, with a serious passion for practice and a serious dream to teach, travel teach and do workshops all over the place. It's a burning desire that I've had since I was in high school. I remember the first time I ever tried yoga, I was in my Sophomore PE class in High School. We had yoga once a week for one quarter. I loved it. That's where I learned to do my very first head stand ( Sirsa 2). Ever since this time, it's been a desire that lived in the back of my mind, and would occasionally be sparked by some experience. I remember going through a hard time in high school; depression, anxiety, eating disorders, cutting, and feeling worthless all the time. I remember my doctor prescribing me yoga once. My mom bought me a couple of yoga DVDs and I would do them occasionally...they always seemed to help.  In college, I was reintroduced to yoga when my dear friend Elizabeth Brewer, who was my dorm-mate got me to go to the classes that she taught at places like LA Fitness and the Student Rec Center at the University. I remember at those times, yoga was very hard. Warrior poses were my least favorite, and backbends were things I thought my spine just couldn't do. I left yoga again for a couple of years. When I came back to it, I came back with a lot of baggage...and a lot of wounds, searching for healing and for myself...the self that I had lost throughout the years of trying to impress others, especially my family, as well as the years I lost with my friends and family when I had joined a church that I thought was the best thing for me, but in the end drained me of who I really was. In order to get myself back, I had so much work ahead of me, that it seemed nearly impossible...I found Yoga Oasis in 2012. I wasn't sure what to expect, I was nervous...even a little terrified...but as soon as I walked in, the teacher (who happened to be Stephani) was there to greet me with her kind, warm presence; eyes obviously filled with compassion. I was not nervous anymore. From that moment on, I guess you could say I found my addiction to yoga, and I haven't stopped for more than 2 days ever since.

From the beginning, I feel as if I've been going through the process of metamorphosis. I've always been fascinated by the butterfly, because it goes through a huge series of changes in its one life. It goes from being a caterpillar, crawling on the surface of the earth, to blossoming into a beautiful butterfly, who flies over the earth with such grace and poise, and beauty...it's hard not to be fascinated by such a creature... but I've found, that humans are a lot like butterflies, and the Earth is our chrysalis. We undergo our own radical changes in this one life, in order to become something more beautiful and graceful in the end. My own life feels this way. I went from being in the womb, where I was once connected completely with God, to being born and being taught separateness, to feeling the pain of separateness in my adolescence and early adulthood, to realizing that maybe I'm not separate at all in my 20's. Now 22, I am feeling more connected with everything...less separate...less pain...more peace, because I know, deep down that we are all connected, and this comforts me greatly.

Patience has gotten me here, and patience will take me to where I need to be...I feel like I have broken out of my cocoon, but I still feel like I haven't yet become entirely freed. I'm still sort of...hanging on...because I'm waiting until the time is right...I am waiting until I feel ready...and when I am ready; when the time is right, I'll just know it, and I'll finally be able to fly.

Right now, I know that I am exactly where I need to be. Before, I wanted to just rush into things: relationships, teacher trainings, etc. But the truth is that I have needed to experience the process of metamorphosis first. I needed to learn the teachings, to learn from myself, to learn to love myself...to see everything as a whole...

Today, I feel the most ready to teach yoga than I ever have, but something inside of myself still tells me, "wait, just a little while longer". So I am waiting... I'm not yet there, but I am getting there. I don't know how long it will take, but all I know is that it will take long enough.

Namaste

This is an image I took in Costa Rica, in 2009
Glass Wing Butterfly

Me, trying to Unblock my Writers' Block

I remember coming to my little writing space, opening up my lap top to a blank page, thinking, "I'm going to write today." only...to find myself getting distracted and losing track of time, completely forgetting what I had originally intended to do. So, I left the apartment, went to yoga, then went to work, and came home at eleven something at night, to find my computer screen sitting there, still on the blank page that I had intended to write on. By then, I was like "fuck it." pardon my language. "I'm tired." And I went to sleep. Here I am now, throwing up my thoughts onto this page in no particular order, because I just feel like writing, and nothing is going to stop me now. :D

I've been having a lot of major insights lately; lots of synchronicities and interesting experiences which brought me those insights. I feel pretty fortunate to have the life that I have, to be living and breathing, to be easily entertained by mother nature and its bipolar way of being. I feel so fortunate and so blessed to be surrounded by the people I know; to get the chance to see and interact with many of them on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. I'm grateful for the connections I am able to have with others, because it helps me to feel that sense of oneness that many of us so often crave and desire.

I've been going at it pretty hard for the past few months; practicing yoga daily; not only the asana, but also the yoga of the mind. I've been working hard, long hours, not only at my job, but in general. I've been working on myself full time. I've been finding hidden treasures beneath the surface of myself, as well as dust and mold and grime that I've been working to clear out. A lot of my insights revolve around self love, self care, self worth, self confidence, and self respect...but these insights pour into the love, care, worth, cofidence, and respect that I have developed for others. Life is always a two way street. What you give, you get back the same in return. One of my co-worker friends was playing with a water toy in the office, and was squirting people, and pulled the trigger, only to find the water coming out of the toy backwards, soaking her more than anyone else. She goes "dang! That's some quick karma!" For sure...That's how I see life. Sometimes karma comes back at us as quickly as the action we made; but other times, it can wait months, or even years to come back at us. The thing to remember is that everything that happens to us, happens for a reason. We are here on this earth to learn and to grow. We are here to become better, to help each other...to love.

I often forget the importance of rest, and I'll drive myself into a wall before I realize I'm in overkill. It's my tendency that I'm working on changing. Today I rested before work, whereas I would normally kick it at a yoga studio somewhere and sweat my buns off. Of course, to me, it's not JUST about the sweat or the workout or the toning and trimming. Those are just extra benefits to my practice. The reason it's so hard for me to take a break, I think lies in the matter that my practice is my spiritual food. I feel nourished after a session. I feel renewed and refreshed in my mind and spirit, and sometimes even my body feels more energized; other times my body feels tired...and that is when I realize I need to rest for at least a day or two...so I do...now.

I am going out of town to Flagstaff for a yoga workshop with Miss Stephani Lindsey, and I am extremely grateful that I'm able to attend and pay for it. I'm also grateful that a few of my friends are going to be there as well. I have a feeling that this weekend is just what I need...Emerge from your Chrysalis State...that is the title of this workshop.
"A self made sanctuary... A place for change and growth...a chrysalis is created in anticipation of both." ~ K. D'AngeloIn a sense, this life we live is lived in a chrysalis state- from which we learn and grow and change over time, emerging into something more beautiful, just as the butterfly emerges from its cocoon and flies gracefully through the wind, sipping on the nectar of life from the flowers it encounters, just as we take each lesson in life as a gift...as if each lesson were a wild flower, filled with the nectar which feeds our spirit so that we can learn, grow, and experience the beauty that all of life truly is.

I feel like life breaks you to make you stronger. I feel like my life does anyway. It's typically in my most vulnerable and emotional times that I experience the most out of my life. I experience humility, support, cleansing, and starting over....and starting over is always going to be an option, no matter where you are in life. I truly believe that.

I think this is enough dialogue for the night. Goodnight all. Love.

Freedom from Myself

Yoga gets me back into my body. Currently, in my experience with Bikram, I am forced to face myself in the mirror, every day, for 90 minutes at a time. It's amazing how afraid I am to look into my own eyes. Some days, it's worse than others. I notice my tendencies. The teacher says, "Look into your own eyes, the eyes of you own best teacher, your own best friend." I look, and I don't think, but I feel...unworthiness, guilt, fear... My gaze into my eyes slips away and I look at the floor.I feel shameful, and sorry for the pain I have caused myself.  Looking at myself in the mirror is like looking at another human being. I would never harm another human being, physically of emotionally, but why would I harm myself in those ways? I feel guilty. I criticize my body, where I feel it is imperfect and "could use some work". I criticize my mind and emotions, "why can't I be just like everyone else?"...well, truth is, I already am like everybody else. We just don't talk about it with each other. We are so afraid of being seen as "crazy" or "unstable" when in reality, we all struggle the same. We are all trapped within our own skin, our own minds...not knowing who we can trust, because we can't even trust ourselves. When I looked in the Bikram mirror yesterday, I realized something. I don't trust myself. I am embarrassed of myself...which is why I cannot look deeply into my very own eyes for more than two seconds, or into the eyes of a best friend, teacher, or confidante, without feeling shame, guilt, pain, or fear...no matter how much I love them. But I cannot look into another's eyes and feel fully content and comfortable until I can look into my own eyes and feel that way first. It's the mirror of life, reflecting my answers back to me...this is why....this is why... I'm ashamed of myself, which is why I hide.
I notice my gaze drifting, and I bring it back to my eyes. I hear my inner voice say, "look at yourself. That is you...honor yourself, your body, your mind. Do not be afraid." I hear my other inner voice tell me all the bad things about my body, and myself...but I try my best to ignore it and focus on the practice. The heat pulls me in. Sweat drips from every bare place on my body; down my forehead, off my chin, from my elbows, knees, fingers, and toes...
Sometimes I practice next to my teacher, peer, and friend, who motivates me more than she knows. I even fear looking into the eyes of these dear ones in my life; the people who inspire me the most...the people who are my greatest teachers. I close off and become scared, especially when I am wearing next to nothing; thinking that I'm going to be judged; but I'm only judging myself.
The most difficult part of the Bikram practice is the ladies room; it's no longer the heat, the sweat, or the postures...The ladies room is filled with women who are unafraid to bare their skin around other women, all while making small talk and eye contact...I cannot yet do this; because I have not yet found the confidence in myself to do so. I am shy with my body, and fearful to bare it all...I even feel uncomfortable speaking to and making eye contact with the naked women...It has nothing to do with them; only me and my embarrassment of my body. The human body is a beautiful vessel for the soul, but my insecurities are strong. I get nervous, scared, and anxious. I wait for the room to empty before I undress...I shower long, hoping that maybe everyone will be gone by the time I'm done; but there is always someone there. There's always someone there....as in life; there's always someone who wants to understand and see you for who you are; there's always someone who doesn't care about your flaws, but who will love you for who you are...There will always be someone who wants to help you become comfortable, who will want to help you see that you are beautiful and perfect in every way. But it is the most difficult to bare all; spiritually, emotionally, physically...to those closest to us. It's the fear of rejection, because we (maybe unknowigly) are rejecting ourselves.
It is difficult, but I know that I can get through this. Facing myself in the mirror every day, and getting to know who I truly am, and how I honestly feel, is the best thing I could possibly be doing for myself right now. It is another big step in my personal and spiritual development; my own growth, expansion, and understanding of myself...of life...of everyone and everything. We can all change the world by first changing ourselves...Once I can be free, you can be free...we can all be free...

Taking the Heat

I sit at the foot of my bed, next to my window, thinking, contemplating, planning, observing... The sky is clouded with remnants of the firework smoke from last night. The 4th of July...probably one of the most dangerous holidays, but typically a fun one. My day was simple; I worked from the morning into mid-afternoon, found myself exhausted and took a nap, woke up about 2 hours later and thought, "What should I do?" I have the tendency to think that "no one wants to spend time with me." So, instead of making myself feel better, and talking myself back up, I let my NMA (negative mental attitude) take over. I did eventually put on fun clothing and headed out to a fairground near downtown to watch the A-Mountain fireworks, but left, because one, I was freaked out by some of the people there, and two, I was embarrassed to be alone.

My roommates asked me to come watch fireworks with them later, near Marana, just on the outskirts of Tucson, so I went ahead. They were beautiful, loud, and hypnotizing. I watched, in awe, and lost myself in thought...
"I miss him...."
It's hard getting out of relationships, and it is especially hard when there are holidays surrounding the time of the breakup.
The brush caught fire, and the fireworks stopped; my roommates and I ran towards the fire (like idiots) to get a closer look...it wasn't horrible, but it was risky for sure; luckily the fire squad had it all under control. The desert is dry, and it is so easy for things like this to happen. Eventually they started the works back up again, and finished with a "bang" (no pun intended). It was pretty spectacular but I couldn't help but feel this emptiness inside of me...something was missing. I ended up coming home after all of that, not wanting to be part of drinking and drugging; wanting to stay sober. Other things about the evening had my NMA screaming at me like there was no tomorrow. For some reason, this night was harder than most for me to get out...maybe because I'm used to having a strong support system standing by when I need them, and this time, I just had myself....I had to self soothe...

I'm trialing Bikram Yoga for 30 days at Tucson's only actual Bikram studio. Some of my yoga buddies and work buddies finally talked me into making that one month commitment. My first day was Wednesday; I happened to like it; there were parts that I disliked, but overall it was a good experience...and you can't beat the after-effect. I'm going again this morning, around 10. It is kind of nice being able to have a really focused atmosphere like this to go into and just practice. I love having my fun classes at the Oasis as well. I feel like between the two, I'm gaining balance and stability, and the ability to transition quickly without falling on my face. In Bikram, it's much more difficult to hold your ground. The poses are all basic standing and floor postures, but the heat makes it extremely crazy hard. The teacher I had on Wednesday, Diane, compared it to the "wave effect", where there are climactic states we all reach, and then calm and composed states. My climactic state felt like "OMG, I'm going to pass out." but I didn't. I pushed through the discomfort and made it out alive. I felt very pleased with myself when it was over. I found it intriguing how the sequence is built for this. It brings you to your peak, and just when you feel like it's going to be over, there's a 'head-below-heart' posture that brings you back into your body a little bit.

The only way to make discomfort go away is to push through it; you can't hop around it, over it, or under it...otherwise, there is no lesson learned...no growth. The idea is to temper the fire within, and to keep the mind calm, steady, and focused... A calm, steady, and focused mind keeps the body from collapsing and freaking out. The body will almost always follow what the mind says. It's mind over matter, no matter what the situation is, no matter how uncomfortable we get. Everything is always changing. We can't choose how people treat us, talk to us, or feel about us; but we can choose how we are going to respond. If it's too hot, am I going to freak out and fan the flames? or am I going to stay composed and walk through my feelings, so that I can better understand myself and ultimately everyone and everything around me when I'm through?

It's all about the journey; everyone's journey is their own. Each person has the choice whether to make the journey suck, or to make it amazing. I want mine to be amazing. I want every experience to be wonderful. I want to keep learning, expanding, exceeding the limits of my own mind. Life is what you make it....