Shooting at my Apartment Complex

So yesterday, there was a shooting at my apartment complex...not only that, but my car took a bullet, as well as was covered in blood. 
I was planning to leave my place around 3pm, because I was thinking about reading for a while at a coffee shop before a yoga class. At about 2:30, I decided I'd just stay home and watch a movie on netflix, and then head to class after. At around 3pm, I heard two shots outside, but I thought they were just from people playing with fireworks, because people do that a lot around here. I got all my things together and left the apartment around 4:15, to find my car:

I called the apartment complex, thinking it was painball at first, but then I saw the bullets on the ground, and smelled the blood...puddles around my car. While on the phone, I heard the police sirens getting closer, so I guess someone else had already called the cops. They arrived, and then when I realized it was serious and was really blood, I about flipped out. I thought I might throw up. Supposedly two people got into a fight, and I guess people don't fight with bare hands anymore, and use guns, unfortnately. Today I found out that someone was taken into custody and a victim has been hospitalized. I am unsure whether it was a car jacking or just a violent fight between two people who knew each other. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I feel unsafe in this area. 

My realization was that, if I had left when I had originally planned, I could have easily been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and could have been shot myself, but thank God I stayed home a little longer. My friend parker joked, "OR, you could have gotten your car out of there before the damage was done"...true...

Anyway, they blocked off the entire parking lot, and there were many cops, fire dept. came, and investigators came. They finally let me go inside, because it was freezing cold out there. This morning, I found the huge hole which the bullet went through and fell out of my car when I opened the passenger door. I put the bullet in a baggie and took it to the front office where I also filed my own report. We will see what happens next.

This whole thing really puts a lot of things in perspective for me. It's interesting how we hear about all of these shootings around the world, but we sometimes think, "That would never happen to me/someone I love" but honestly, anything can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time. This teaches me to be more discerning of people, more on guard, and more aware of my surroundings. I do feel that guns should be more heavily regulated, because of the harm that they are causing in our world.

Today, I am feeling very blessed to be alive, well, and that my loved ones are alive and well. We just never know when our time will run out.

Happy New Year 

Love 

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If you haven't cried by the end of 2012...

If you haven't cried by then end of 2012, you must have been MIA...I'm not talking baby tears. I'm talking full on sob-mania. There is just something about this year in particular, that has been extremely heavy on the heart; not only for myself, but for at least 95% of the people I know. Whether we have faced death, breakups, unrequited love, physical illness, depression, or anxiety, we have all experienced something, or maybe some things that have made this year an extra difficult one. Collectively, we have all suffered or are currently suffering the pain of separateness...loneliness...no matter how many friends we make, or how much socializing we do, by the end of the day, we come home, take off our "I'm perfectly fine" mask, and everything settles back into reality. The dishes sit dirty in the sink, the laundry pile is mountain high on the bed, the bills sit passively on the table, the dog still needs to be walked and fed, dinner still needs to be made...but wait, I have no food, and the store is closing soon.... and so on...the list never ends, it seems, and the cycle repeats itself day after day...this is the life of the average adult...or pretty close to it. This is where I am grateful for my daily practice...yoga, meditation, breathing, writing, reading...these activities seem to make my life a lot more mindful, as well as meaningful, and I find that when I perform these activities regularly, I'm a much happier and well centered human being. But what happens when we are knocked off course? What happens when we receive bad news, or are criticized, or are faced with a serious problem of some kind? What is it that we do? Some people say "just be calm, and it will get better" I used to say that...I used to live by that principle...but there are others who say, "Let yourself have your mood, damnit!" and I am starting to live by this. Emotions are felt, because they need to be felt. Emotions are there, not to be ignored or numbed, but to be processed and understood. They are God given blessings, no matter how much they hurt, or for how long they hurt. If they are just placed on the back burner to be forgotten about and untended to, then the pile will quickly add up, and it won't take much in order to reach a breaking point. I say, feel the little agitations, the little bouts of sadness, the little bouts of anger and heartache. Allow tears to flow when they start to swell your eyelids...don't force them back...it isn't healthy. The breaking point is an unhealthy place to come to...bad thoughts accompany this level of unkempt emotional baggage. Allow all emotions to process before coming to this point. Allow yourself to understand and accept why it is that you are feeling so.

Today was Christmas. It's a holiday of great joy and gathering. It was the darkest day of the year, and what is supposed to be the most joyous and celebrated day, landed on the darkest and most emotional day for many. There was Christmas yoga today at Yoga Oasis studio, which I am extremely grateful for. I have been on the edge of tears for the past few days, because of some news that I recieved, as well as other emotions that were due for processing. It was a 1hr 15min class, and I cried the whole time. Even in Savasana. The best part is, I didn't try to stop it. I just let it flow, just like I was letting my body flow. The heart openers really got me rolling, thank God for that...in all honesty, and the tear flow and heart sobbing continued a good few hours after. After class, I found support and love from some of my dearest peers. We talked about how if only everyone were more real, the world would be such a better place. We ask each other all the time, "How are you?" and the response, "I'm good, and you?" and the response, "I'm good, thanks." And about 90% of the time, it's complete b.s. We need to stop with the b.s. and get real in order to heal humanity. We're all in the same boat. We all go through pain and heartache. We all experience love and death. We all know! We all understand! We just need to let go and let love in. Why is it that we are so afraid to trust each other? If we all had faith and trusted in one another, imagine what would become of this world. I'm not saying go forth and tell everyone all of your problems. What I am saying is that when you are hurting, when you are in pain, don't just let yourself be there alone. Chances are, there's someone in your life willing to listen and be there. And if someone comes to you, hurting...remember that you would want the same support if you are in pain. Life is reciprocal. We get back what we give. It's the law of nature. That's just the way it is. So I leave this here...as I just needed to process my own thoughts and insights after a very emotional and dark day. Thankfully, I had friends who reminded me of the light within. Namaste.

 

Love has nothing to do with Sex

To have a friend

One must first be a friend

To be a friend

One must first befriend their self

 

To have love

One must first give love

To give love

One must first learn to love their self

 

What does it mean to be in love? My answer is simple, yet may be complex, depending on whoever is reading. To be in love, first of all, has absolutely nothing to do with sex, physical desires, or feeling obligation towards another. To be in love has everything to do with spirit...faith...grace... People fear these three terms, because they are automatically translated into religion. I am not talking religion...I am talking simply about a person's own personal spirituality; a person's own spiritual connection with God, the Universe, the Great Spirit, and however else we humans have found a way to describe where we come from. The good news is, we all come from the same place; all connected, all one (even though we're each our own individual person). To gain that connection is a huge blessing. To gain that connection means spiritual growth and awareness. It does not, however, mean life will become easier. It does mean that life will become more bearable…doable… and that we, spiritual beings in human bodies, are beginning to look inward. When the world outside of us is in chaos, we go inward, and immediately see that maybe the reason it's all chaos on the outside is because it's all chaos on the inside. This is where we have the choice to act...to change...to grow...

A recently blossoming friendship of mine has been an incredibly transformative experience for me, as I walk my own spiritual path. It has shifted something within me, and has uncovered a whole new area of spiritual, emotional, personal, and interpersonal insights for me, and I am grateful. It is teaching me a lot about what it means to love, and to be comfortable with myself, which in turn is teaching me to be open to love from others. What I am experiencing outside of myself is the same as what I am experiencing on the inside world. It’s a mirror, where I learn to love the reflection – flaws and all. The result is that of creating healthy relationships with healthy boundaries, with no expectations…not only with others, but also with ourselves.  

Finding friendship that is genuine is not always the simplest in today's society, where we are all very much drawn into our egotistical selves, instead of our spiritual selves...many friendships today are based upon the "I will give you ___ if you can give me ___" which is more about pleasing the ego than the spirit. Many are codependent-like, which I am sure we have all experienced. The spiritual friendships that we may come by are more like "I want to give you ___, because I want you to be happy, and I wish for nothing in return". The spiritual friendship requires little effort, because the link between the souls is so strong, that pretty much nothing can break it. The spiritual friend is there in times of chaos, madness, sadness...but is also there during times of great joy, and times of great peace. The spiritual friend never leaves your side yet will give you the space you need at any given time, because they understand you in a way that is indescribably beautiful, non-judgmental, loving, nurturing, and caring. The spiritual friendship lies on a strong and solid foundation, large enough for eternal growth together, while also leaving room for each individual to grow on their own. It is a highly supportive relationship to have...it is the essence of love itself, and is something that I wish could be between all human beings...after all, we are all connected...but, I am grateful for those abundant connections which I have in my own life, that lead me to believe that true, real love, does exist...that I do not need to go searching for 'the one' for the rest of my life, because I am happy and in love with my own spirit, which in turn opens me up to receiving that same special love from others around me who are so willing as I am, to give...who are so willing to love and be loved.

Love, is forgiving. Love is limitless...Love begins within the self, and then it expands into every relationship that you have...and what better time to choose love, than right now?

 

"When we align with Nature, magic happens" - John Friend

A Desire for Wholeness

I know...I know...I just wrote a blog three days ago, or something like that. That one was spur of the moment, and I really didn't have a chance to get to everything I wanted to write about. 

Emotions are probably the least understood behavioral characteristics of every human being. Maybe science can give a better explanation of emotion than I could ever attempt to, but science is science. It doesn't answer all of my deepest, most pondered upon questions. 

Empathy...Dictionary dot com defines as follows.(noun): the intellectual identification with, or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

I feel empathy. Every day, I experience it, and I feel the effects and the tole it takes on my spirit. It can be so emotionally and spiritually draining sometimes. When a friend is hurting, whether they are expressing it outwardly or not, I can sense it. I can read between the lines. I can read the body language; even the subtlest things... being an emotional empath can be just as much of a curse as it is a gift. Already a sensitive human being, when I experience the pain and suffering of another individual, I am easy to hurt. I become emotionally vulnerable. One of the hardest things about being an empath, is that I may be able to easily feel others, but I am not as easily able to feel what is inside of myself. It's a connection with the outside, and a disconnection with the inside. 
I think that everyone is empathetic, but on different levels. We are supposed to be able to feel others' emotions and be able to process them in a healthy way. Right now, it seems as though we have a spectrum of people in the world, where people lie at or in between these states: One, people that are completely cut off from everyone else's emotions, and only care about their own. Two, who is the healthy empath, who can process others' emotions, as well as their own emotions, and have established balance and harmony between others' emotions and their own. Three, people who connect with everyone else's emotions, but cannot seem to find that connection with their own....and then there are people in the middle somewhere between one or the other. I don't know about you, but I desire and try my best to land right smack in the middle, at number two. That is the place where I wish we could all be...what a healthy world it would be if we were all number two...but really, we're all over the place...but I guess that is alright.

Yesterday, after yoga, a couple of my good buds and I grabbed tea and talked. They sensed I needed to release something. I even released a good amount of pure crap before that class, but that wasn't enough. I was still holding back. I released a little more as we chatted afterwards, when I was able to explain and process what I was feeling into my understanding of this: If there's any one purpose I have in this life, it is to remind every person I meet, that we are all one. This separateness that we have come to be familiar with in our day to day lives, is the root of all of our pain and suffering. The only way we can fix all of the world problems is by simply remembering something called Love. Separation is painful... just as a tear in a muscle, or a fracture in a bone. Tearing apart what is and always has been meant to be connected will only lead to more pain...more suffering.

I realized that I was suffering, because I had built up stuff inside of me, which was based off of a disconnection I have been experiencing with certain people in my life, which also means I am experiencing the pain of disconnection in all of humanity as a whole. I wrote in my journal about feeling as though I am from some other planet, because I feel so different from everyone else, mainly because of my desire for this wholeness with everything, and because of my heightened sense of others' emotional state. I know that there are many people out there like me though...I've met some, and I have read about some...and that comforts me to know.

Last night, I was able to really release, and in all honesty, thinking about it is kind of funny, and sad at the same time...imagine yourself cleaning your home, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, and all the while, whailing and crying aloud. What a crazy duo... good thing I'm still living alone right now, because I was going nuts, cleaning my physical world, as well as cleaning out my emotional and spiritual world. How much better could it get? Really...
Today, I still feel a heaviness, as if there's still more to release, and it's probably because I've opened up the part of me that needed some relief. I guess there has just been so much build up inside of my heart, that it's too much to let it all out in one bang...I get that...I can sit with and accept that. I can accept that I may need to repeat that sequence of evens again, at least one more time, to get it all out. I may even need to just talk to a friend, and share what I have been feeling....I don't know. 
What I do know is that I am grateful that I understand what it is happening inside of me...that I know how to, in a healthy way, release and cope with whatever comes up. I am glad to be able to identify when I'm going to explode and act accordingly. And last but not least, I am grateful for what it was that lit my last fuse, because I think I really just needed to release. When we build stuff up inside, we become a ticking time bomb, where someone can so much as make a funny face, and before we know it, we're bawling our brains out.

That's all....

 

 

Always something to be grateful for

"There is always something to be grateful for..." My friend's words run through my mind, over and over again.

I think back on how much my life has changed in the past year. During this time last year, my friend Corey, from Phoenix came down and had dinner with my family and I. I am very grateful for him...that he cared enough for me to spend a day with me and my family. He was the one who was always there for me when I needed someone the most in those times. I can remember a little over two years ago, when a dear friend nearly died...and how grateful I was and still am, that he survived and is living on in a very meaningful way. I received a post card in the mail this week, and I cried...I thought that this person did not want anything more to do with me after a huge transition took place in my life....I am grateful that you thought of me....(If you are reading this).

I've been through a lot of change in the last year in particular. I began to realize that I was not thinking for myself. I was always seeking the approval of others. My goals in life became deformed, and were not exactly 100 per cent my own. A domino effect of events began to occur, which pulled me out of the place that I was, and (not lightly) sat me into the seat I am in today. I believe that for every person, there is a different path. God, to me, isn't an old man with a white beard who has preference over one denomination or religion than another. God, to me, is the air I breathe, the blood running through my veins, the wind, and the trees, the waters and the skies...God is the whole universe...a part of you, and a part of me...and we are each a part of one another. God is where I have turned since the times have gotten harder, and it teaches me to stay turned to God, even if times are seemingly not so rough.

To see someone as unequal to oneself is damaging...How can we heal this state of the world when we do not feel oneness? It is true, unconditional love for one another that will heal us; World issues cannot be resolved through war...don't you see?

For the past 8 months, I've been so fortunate to be a part of a community which offers itself fully, not only to within the community, but also to the outside...today I attended a free, donation based practice at YogaOasis with Darren Rhodes, where every dollar given would be given to the Community Food Bank. Together, over 400 dollars were donated, and for every dollar, grants that they have will times it by 9...so, today, my community helped give over 4000 dollars to the CFB in order to help those less fortunate than we, eat. The greatest thing I've learned so far in this community is how to love, and how to forgive...not only others, but also myself. There are dark places inside each and every one of us that only need to be tended to, loved, nurtured, and fed...not avoided, ignored, hated, or starved...When you shine a light into a dark room, the darkness cannot help but dissipate...it's a law of the universe...and it is just the same inside of each and every one of us.

I have finally decided to begin teaching yoga. I will begin by offering free classes; by giving the gift of yoga and community. I start next Thursday, at my home, at 6pm...it is official, and I am grateful to have found something that I am 100% passionate about. All I want to do is help people, help people heal, help people love, help people find who they really are...I don't care whether I get payed or not...as long as I can be a light in the lives of others...the same as the lights in my life who have done all the same for me.... <3 Happy Thanksgiving.

Batteries, Sweat, and Paper Cranes

I suppose it's about time for another update! I'm sorry I have taken so long since the last one; a lot has been happening around me an within me...so I've been taking a lot of time to process it all. I also own a journal that I write in, so I've been doing that a lot lately. Before I write a blog, I usually like to at least have a good understanding of what I'm writing about; in other words, I like to try and process everything and form my own opinion or special insights on a topic before displaying it to the public...and that is why I have my journal. My journal is a private place, where I am free to write anything that is troubling me or occupying my mind; no matter how irrational it may seem. My journal isn't going to judge me; it's just there to be there when I need to release, purge, and renew my mind and spirit.

It has been quite the rocky time lately...one of my good friends, KP posted on my facebook, "without some rocks, you can't have rocky road!!" heh; perfect. I love it; and it is true. It was extra funny, because I was pounding a hippie-vegan version of rocky road ice cream when she posted. (I won't tell, if you don't tell).
It's all so true though; it's the toughest of times that keep us thirsting for what is most important in life. Our taste becomes more easily satisfied...it's like our senses of it all are amplified when we are in our most trying times. The littlest things can bring us such great joy in times such as those, when we just feel like cutting ourselves off from reality or people, or whatever...these are the times in which we go inside..."Go there and Roam" - said a wise Swami... and boy, have I been roaming. It really is amazing what can happen when we take the time out to observe something, sit with it, feel it, grasp it, process it, understand it, and finally come to love it...and then we can use it. My teacherfriend said in class last night, that instead of the universe setting things up for us to have a so-called 'bad day', it's more like an obstacle course, where in one area, you'll learn patience, in another area, you'll learn stability, in another area, you'll learn kindness, and so on... and isn't this true? It is when we acknowledge that life is perfectly set up for us to find lessons in every moment. Every bit of insight and wisdom we crave is already inside of us...we just have to listen, and be with whatever it is, without judgment, and observe...

Like for instance, let's take yoga class last night. I'll just say that it was like we were in a sauna; sweat everywhere, steam rising from our skin, and fogging up the windows, and the wood flooring became a slippery mess...breathing in everyone else's steam....If you're not already used to yoga, and sweating, you may have issues being in this type of environment; but for people like me, it's the best thing ever. Nevertheless, we were hot (or hawt). The concept was to be able to cultivate good virtues in times of madness...like the steamy, sweaty yoga room (it's not even nearly as hot as bikram. I think it was only eighty-something degrees by the time we were done... "warm yoga") Anyway, it was fun seeing even our Steph sweating - she was like the battery of the sauna, and we were the circuits. Without the battery, the circuits won't work, and there will be no warmth. There has to be a desire or a drive (battery) in order for the outcome to BEcome (circuits --> heat and steam). It was like this whole metaphor being put into action; amazingness that maybe I could only see and feel and breathe...someone else may have had a different experience...maybe they were irritated; I don't know...but I was digging my sauna...and my eka pada raja kapotasana. Leaving the room to 30 degree cooler air really made me appreciate the heat we built as well...that brings me back to the rocky road statement...you can't have rocky road without a little bit of rocks...true that.

Yesterday was just full of sweetness for me...it was kind of like the complete opposite of my last few days. There was just a cascade of fortunate or sweet events (and don't forget the sweat events!). I even found a folded paper crane. For those of you who don't know about the cranes; they are symbols of good fortune and love. I was feeling really loved yesterday...by all of existence. It was like the universe was telling me in these subliminal messages, "Hey, see? I love you." I felt it...especially after that paper crane; and I was fortunate enough to share it with a few of my good friends who, out of context, I ran in to on my way to my car. (By the way, I am SO grateful to have so many AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL people in my life) Those little synchronicities make life so exciting. I'm always asking, as my friend Bj says, "How does it get better than this!?" It always gets better, so long as we just trust that life will unfold, and it will be beautiful; no matter what.

LOVE.......<3

Paper Crane:

 

Cyclical

Life goes in cycles...our mood goes in cycles...nature goes in cycles...everything pretty much goes in cycles. Picture a circle (Or check out the diagram I made)...In every circle, there will be a high point (climax), a low point (ditch), and points that lead to both the climax and the ditch. Momentum is what keeps us going, so that we don't get stuck in one space...but what happens when the momentum weakens? We find ourselves either stuck in one spot, or rolling back and forth, between the two in-betweens of the circle, not getting enough power to push through and make full circle.

This is what I call being in a ditch. You may have another name for it; like "plateu" or something. It is where you end up when you are having trouble in a certain area in life, and are having a hard time making decisions related to that struggle within you...so the universe holds you there until you learn the lesson. The lesson learning is our momentum. We continually learn new things, and those new pieces of knowledge and wisdom are what push us to the next level in whatever part of a cycle we are in. Once we reach the climax, we can be sure to expect a new teaching to be brought into our awareness, and to have to repeat the cycle all over again, if we desire to make another full circle... I know that I desire to go full circle in every lesson which is brought into my life. I am grateful to have already made maybe tens of thousands of full circles already in this lifetime, but I know that there are more to come. We are always in a cycle. We never stop. We can get really slow, or we can get crazy fast, but the cyclic nature of all that is will never cease. Here, we can either find fear, or we can choose to find comfort. Most of us fall into fear more often than not, myself included. It is a part of what makes us human. What is amazing is that we can become aware of our tendencies such as the tendency to fear or to reside in anxiety, and through the simple act of watching and shifting our thoughts, we can breathe there, and make the uncomfortable more comfortable in doing so.

I've been battling anxiety after anxiety moreso than usual in these past few weeks. Burried insecurities and thoughts have found their way to the surface...not to annoy me, but to be alleviated...healed...let go of. I just now realized this...as I am writing (I have so much gratitude for the gift of expression through writing). These particular entities do not want to be burried inside of me anymore. I don't want them burried inside of me anymore. They no longer serve me or those who are near and dear to me. They've done their duty and have taught me the lessons that I needed to learn from them...so now the work is in letting go, so that I can make another full circle,completing yet one more small cycle within the larger cycle of a larger cycle of a larger cycle... and continue on.

I hope that this helps you, as much as it helps me writing it... love <3
Namaste 

Live a Colorful Life

This was supposed to be a facebook status, but I started typing, and realized this would be better written as a blog. . .
:)

"You never know when you're gonna go...of course, we hope we have a full day, at least!" - SL

Living life to the fullest, each and every day, guarantees that when we do go, we will have left this world with love. - me

"Sometimes I feel like people are too serious. Life is too short to always be serious; if I am gonna have one last day on Earth, I am gonna want to just play and have fun!" BjG

I started this day, going outside of my comfort zone by wearing a bombin' funky outfit. I wanted to see what it felt like to literally wear my personality. I felt colorful, so I chose to be colorful. I felt different, so I felt like looking different. Today I chose to live, act, be, dress....the way that I wanted, without worrying about what anyone else would think, say, do. The theme of dress followed me to my yoga matt, where the atmosphere was playful and goofy...annnnd sweaty (of course). The music made it even better. God (or the Universe if that's what you want to call God), brought me a day of play, because I asked for that with where I focused my attention and with what my intention would be. 

What I learned today is that it is of great importance to be here, in the "now" moment...to be light hearted...to have fun...to be there for others...to express gratitude to one another and to thank God for giving us this moment...this breath...this heart beat...
It is so good for us to simply be present and to not let past let-downs, mistakes, or regrets interfere with our "now". Our "now" is new...it is always new. We can always wipe our slate clean and start all over again, no matter what. No one can tell us that we can't...only we can do that.(I can't take full credit for everything I write here, because I receive much of my wisdom from my wiser friends.) I am so grateful that I can share with and learn from the people in my life. I have so many dear ones that have done more than they know, just by being listeners, advice givers, and mainly just by being present in my "now". 

The two quotes above are from today, and from two very wise and wonderful women at two different times...but read them together, and there you have it...one really great piece of advice from two very beautiful souls.

<3 Namaste 

Meow...

Do you ever feel like you have so many things going on in your life at once, that you feel like you could go absolutely insane in a matter of moments? I feel like a cat; literally...I have 9 lives...er maybe more. I have my school, my job, my yoga, my meditation, my blogging, my zeal business, my journal writing, my pet/house/child sitting services, my clean for trade at the studio, keeping up my living (and car) space (it's really hard to keep this place in order...always fighting entropy!) (hey that's ten! I bet there are more things...but I'll stop there). . . . . 

Life. gets. crazy. There's no stopping this madness. Whenever things get chaotic, it seems to be more and more difficult to pull inward and stay centered, focused, motivated...and easier to become discouraged, tired, lost...but lucky for me, a few of the "lives" I mentioned above are things that bring the balance back into my life...because like the cat with nine lives, I choose to land on all fours in as lightly of a manner as possible. I may feel like I am walking a very thin and wobbly rope at times, but I know that if I pull in, yeah, even if it means losing a few hours of study time and such, then I'll be healthier and in a much better state of mind that I would be if I didn't have such activities. I also enjoy commuting the town on my beloved bike (MoonLight - the Scorpion Queen). She saves me a lot of time and gas $$ (because we all know about the gas price hike. I don't want any of that). Biking also contributes to a steady flow in my life. Biking, yoga, journaling, blogging, etc...they all get me into this zone that takes me away from my anxieties and settles me back into myself...calms me down and gives me some peace. I find myself retreating to these "mini vacations" time and time again. Instead of becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, food, people, etc...I choose to devote myself to healthy flow. It doesn't mean that every now and then I fail and come up short. I acknowledge my humanness. We all mess things up sometimes, but the key is to be resilient and forgiving of ourselves. The pain of messing up comes from the inability to move on, to be in the present moment. This moment has nothing to do with last moment or the moment ahead. This moment now, we can choose to be happy...even if only for a moment; no matter what's going on in our outer world...we can still have peace and calm inside.

I am blessed to be a part of a community that helps me grow into myself and blossom into the flower that I am. I enjoy our small chit-chats in the most uncomfortable postures, and yet I also enjoy our mutual silence. I enjoy our laugh attacks in 3,5,7,10 minute timings of Sirsasana (headstand). I enjoy being a part of a whole which gathers for the same reason, where the people all around me are doing all the same things that I am doing...where I know that I'm not the only one with my kinds of struggles. I'm not the black sheep in the room...but rather, we're all black sheep in one room...together....My teacher quoted Rinpoche today: "You are perfect just as you are...but you could use some work". This embodies so much truth. I must learn to accept myself as I am, but I must also allow myself to expand for as long as I shall live. We don't need all the answers to all of our questions in order to be happy. The answers are really in our questions. We ask people for advice, and they tell us what we already know deep inside...but sometimes we are too afraid to trust our own insight and intuition, and rely only on the insights of others... but when we learn to trust ourselves...our own instincts...life begins to unfold, and a whole new world of opportunity and beauty arises. 

For me, my yoga practice isn't about getting a goal pose and going "ok, check! I'm done". It's so much more to me than that. It's about eternal blossoming...eternal expansion...eternal learning...eternal practice of patience, love, gratitude....it is a practice that embraces me in my successes and in my failures...it is always there...whether I am on my matt or at my desk, or in my kitchen, or at my job.....the practice is infinite...

That is all for now. Love<3

 

 

Moved

I am now at Posterous; Posterous Blogging

Gentleness

When we look inside our souls
A little bit deeper
We find our gentleness
Our delight
Our warmest sensations and vibrations
We find our peaceful nature
How we connect with all other life forces
All other living creatures and things
We find our greater capacity to love
And for once we have no need to think
But just be...

I look into your eyes
The windows to your soul
I can see your gentleness
and watch its steady growth
I see in you a new kind of peace
The kind you've never had before

You once were filled with anger
But now are filled with light
I feel the joy within your life
projecting into mine...

In you I find a new song to sing
The kind that gives me hope and strength
The kind that stays inside my mind
And comforts me when I am suffering


In you I have found your gentleness
In me...
I have found my own
It is love that brings me peace and rest
And sends my worries home

We were made with gentle hearts
With gentle eyes to comfort
Lips to speak gentle words
Ears to gently listen
Hands to gently touch
Arms to gently hold...

We were made to gently love
And you, I gently love...

Listen, as I softly speak
This life was made for you and me
With our beating hearts we will do great things
Together we can
You and me...

We were made with gentleness
To be and to remain...
Touched by the gentle hand of God
So that we can do the same.

It is a love that is unconditional
Gentle, Kind, and True
A love that never ends
Or fails to be with you...

It exists...for all of us, you see...

What a great weekend!!

I am feeling more and more like my biorhythms are getting back into their perfect working order. My mind is getting clearer and more focused. I am feeling more centered and peaceful. I feel amazing. It is so wonderful to be able to listen to my body and give it exactly what it needs. I think that in today's society, we have this inborn tendency to neglect ourselves--therefore our health suffers and deteriorates. I feel like I have accomplished a great deal by being able to find time to allow myself to be nurtured. Sometimes it feels like I don't have time for anything; but the truth is that we will NEVER HAVE time for anything...we have to MAKE it first. I am finding more and more ways to make time for myself, and in turn, I have been able to get so much more accomplished. I feel more wholesome, less tired, relaxed, calm, tranquil, and content.

This morning, I woke up around 6 am, drank some wonderful herbal tea, did a little yoga practice, cleaned my hamster, Theo's cage, made myself some Millet with almond milk, strawberries, walnuts, honey, and cinnamon. It was delicious! :) For lunch I ate a salad. There was a green that I put in it that I feel would be much better in cooked things. It was kind of spicy.

Tash knows how to play the guitar, so we sang a couple of hymns from SHZ - it was such a refreshing feeling. I was upset because my voice was feeling unstable on all of the high notes, and I used to not have any problems like that. It's just because I haven't been singing as much as I used to I think, and getting older could have something to do with it. Tash is going to let me borrow her vocal exercise cd so that I can possibly fix my crackly high note mess. HAHA! Maybe I can get her to help me learn the guitar. I have one, I just have never been able to be consistent with learning, so I forget. It was interesting though, because we were talking about instruments -- she said she could see me playing the violin. This is interesting, because that's the instrument that I have always wanted to play, I just never had the opportunity. I'd love to learn that one day as well.

Last night, Tash, Angy and I were baking and cooking all day; healthy of course! Tash made brownies with coconut oil and honey, walnuts, and some other stuff. I made dark chocolate candies out of a 100% cocoa bar, honey, walnuts, and dried cranberries. Those are AMAZZZING! So are the brownies!
We also made soups, beans, rice, quinoa, and a few other things. I love eating this way. It's so colorful and makes me feel fantastic!

I've got a lot of plans heading my way and I am so excited to share everything as it comes.

Best week to everyone!!

Ashley

Back in my good ol' apartment

I am finally back to living in my apartment! I will miss those animals at the house of the people I was sitting for, but there's nothing like home, sweet home...even though this home is just temporary. :)It is nice to still have a home...

I actually have several homes. A home is a place to go to, where there are people who wait for you, and love to fill your soul. Yes...I have many places I can call home.

My first week of school was absolutely amazing. I would tell you if it wasn't, so obviously, it was great! I love all of my classes and all of my instructors. I will be doing more in the community, as well as writing a lot of papers instead of the usual exams, exams, EXAMS! :) I love this. I have to remember to go pick up the TB test record that I had done before starting my last job in April, 2011. I was told that my test should be valid for this semester, since we should be finished with the community stuff by around April anyway. I hope that my other class that requires it is the same, but we will have to see. I may have to get another one done.

TB testing is a little unsettling for me. I do not like that they insert mercury into the skin, even if it is just the skin, because it still goes into your blood stream...I mean, why wouldn't it??

Another thought I HAVE to put out there is that if you are planning to vote for President of the USA, please vote RON PAUL into Republican candidacy and then into office. It's CRUCIAL...seriously, research him, and tell me he isn't good enough for our country...yeah...I figure you will like the guy. I think he's our best bet. We NEED to get Dr. Paul in!

Look at www.dailypaul.com for awesome updates. and DO NOT follow mass media Bologna (or baloney, however you wish to spell the word). It's just that... Bologna

It is our duty as the people of this country to make sure that we stop putting all kinds of criminals and psychopaths in office...so please, do us all a favor, and vote Dr. PAUL!

Thanks :)


Anyway, not to rant, I'll get back on track.

I can't wait to get back to Phoenix. It's always good to be able to go back, even if I can only go on Sundays. Now that Tash is living with me in Tucson, transportation will be easier. We can split gas and mileage. It's super nice. Tash is such a sweetheart and I am so glad she is here. :) Thanks to God for bringing me a friend like her. She's a special one, and I already can see that.

I am looking at gathering my own wild herbs and would like to dry them and make my own teas and what not. I just bought a book on herbs and herbal medicine that will really help out. It will be fun to be able to get to know all the different herbs in Arizona, and in other places when I travel. This will be a fun experience for me...wish me luck!

I am feeling more focused and calm with each new day. It is amazing to feel SO AMAZING! I can't describe my inner peace and the joy in my heart; but I can say that it is all given to me by God. He is truly magnificent and works in mysterious ways. I feel guided and nurtured every step of the way, and when I doubt, I am quickly reminded to trust and to just continue walking in the direction I am heading.

I do feel like I am on the right track in my life right now, and I hope to continue traveling this way. It takes a lot of patience, trust, and faith to stay, but I am willing to put in my effort, and to tarry on...because I can feel my purpose calling my name. I am almost there.

House Sitting!

Well, I finally got home safely last night around 2300. My last day in Oklahoma was such a blast - my grandparents and I killed time in OKC in Bricktown. We walked the river walk, road the river taxi, grabbed coffee, and ate our last meal of the trip together at Toby Keith's restaurant. The last thing we did was visiting the Oklahoma City Bombing memorial. It was amazing... it's crazy how a memorial can bring so much emotion into our hearts. I just can't believe I've never been!

The plane ride was pretty exhausting, since I have been battling some sort of allergic reaction from something in OK. It seems to have been clearing up ever since I got back into town. I had hives, congestion, and other issues...but I am glad it has been getting remarkably better. There's no telling what it could have been.

I came straight from Oklahoma to my house sitting job here in Tucson! It's very exciting for me, because I am a huge animal lover. I am taking care of a cat, Baxter, and a dog, Barley. Barley is super fun to run the neighborhood with, and he is extremely obedient. Baxter, on the other hand is the most curious cat I know! He's fun to watch, of course, but it's too bad cats aren't as easy to train as dogs. :)

This morning I woke up to barley pushing up against my nose, telling me "get up!" basically. We ran around, met a few other dogs and their parents, and had a really fun time. I had to leave them for about 6 hours today though, because I needed to go meet my friend Parker who was living there while I was gone, to clean up for the new roommate who is moving in. :) Natasha is my new roommate - a girl from Alaska, who shares the same faith as me. She is staying in my room for now, until after the 13th, because that's when her room will be ready. I am so excited for everything to be going the way that it is going. We're all going to ride up to Phoenix together for church on Sunday (her mom is here until the 10th). It's going to be a great drive to and from - and also will be great to see everyone there.

I start school again on the 11th! It's going to be absolutely CRAAAZY!! But...I'm totally ready for it. :)

Happy New Year

My vacation in Oklahoma is just about to come to a close, but I am definitely not done with my visiting yet :)

New years was a good night, first I was at my sister's husband's friend's place, but I ended up leaving there for my own personal reasons... and things were resolved the next day. But I ended up going to my cousin's family's new years gathering, and ended up having a very good night. We reminisced about our loved ones who have passed away, especially about my aunt Terri who died just under 3 years ago. There were tears, but there was much family love floating through the air.
We also played games and couldn't even finish them because we couldn't shut our mouths. We were just having so much fun, and I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

I know that the decision I made to leave the first place I had been was the right decision...even though I knew I would have to leave my sister, and felt awful about that part...but my morals and values were being violated, and I had to make a choice.

One thing I learned during this holiday is that we cannot try to make everyone in our lives happy- because no matter what choices we make, someone will always disapprove. The important thing is that we protect our faith...protect our loved ones...protect ourselves... To some, it may seem confusing, but to me, it makes perfect sense. Our faith holds everything together...without it, things seem absolutely impossible...but with it, we can be sure that everything will be alright.

I am thankful for the strength God gives me every day. It may be easy to say no to strangers, a little less easy to say no to our friends, and extremely uneasy to say no to our families. Each experience teaches us its own lesson, and each experience makes us a little bit stronger.

I hope that everyone has a happy new start to a happy new year. I wish all of you the best.

Love,

Ashley