A Desire for Wholeness

I know...I know...I just wrote a blog three days ago, or something like that. That one was spur of the moment, and I really didn't have a chance to get to everything I wanted to write about. 

Emotions are probably the least understood behavioral characteristics of every human being. Maybe science can give a better explanation of emotion than I could ever attempt to, but science is science. It doesn't answer all of my deepest, most pondered upon questions. 

Empathy...Dictionary dot com defines as follows.(noun): the intellectual identification with, or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

I feel empathy. Every day, I experience it, and I feel the effects and the tole it takes on my spirit. It can be so emotionally and spiritually draining sometimes. When a friend is hurting, whether they are expressing it outwardly or not, I can sense it. I can read between the lines. I can read the body language; even the subtlest things... being an emotional empath can be just as much of a curse as it is a gift. Already a sensitive human being, when I experience the pain and suffering of another individual, I am easy to hurt. I become emotionally vulnerable. One of the hardest things about being an empath, is that I may be able to easily feel others, but I am not as easily able to feel what is inside of myself. It's a connection with the outside, and a disconnection with the inside. 
I think that everyone is empathetic, but on different levels. We are supposed to be able to feel others' emotions and be able to process them in a healthy way. Right now, it seems as though we have a spectrum of people in the world, where people lie at or in between these states: One, people that are completely cut off from everyone else's emotions, and only care about their own. Two, who is the healthy empath, who can process others' emotions, as well as their own emotions, and have established balance and harmony between others' emotions and their own. Three, people who connect with everyone else's emotions, but cannot seem to find that connection with their own....and then there are people in the middle somewhere between one or the other. I don't know about you, but I desire and try my best to land right smack in the middle, at number two. That is the place where I wish we could all be...what a healthy world it would be if we were all number two...but really, we're all over the place...but I guess that is alright.

Yesterday, after yoga, a couple of my good buds and I grabbed tea and talked. They sensed I needed to release something. I even released a good amount of pure crap before that class, but that wasn't enough. I was still holding back. I released a little more as we chatted afterwards, when I was able to explain and process what I was feeling into my understanding of this: If there's any one purpose I have in this life, it is to remind every person I meet, that we are all one. This separateness that we have come to be familiar with in our day to day lives, is the root of all of our pain and suffering. The only way we can fix all of the world problems is by simply remembering something called Love. Separation is painful... just as a tear in a muscle, or a fracture in a bone. Tearing apart what is and always has been meant to be connected will only lead to more pain...more suffering.

I realized that I was suffering, because I had built up stuff inside of me, which was based off of a disconnection I have been experiencing with certain people in my life, which also means I am experiencing the pain of disconnection in all of humanity as a whole. I wrote in my journal about feeling as though I am from some other planet, because I feel so different from everyone else, mainly because of my desire for this wholeness with everything, and because of my heightened sense of others' emotional state. I know that there are many people out there like me though...I've met some, and I have read about some...and that comforts me to know.

Last night, I was able to really release, and in all honesty, thinking about it is kind of funny, and sad at the same time...imagine yourself cleaning your home, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, and all the while, whailing and crying aloud. What a crazy duo... good thing I'm still living alone right now, because I was going nuts, cleaning my physical world, as well as cleaning out my emotional and spiritual world. How much better could it get? Really...
Today, I still feel a heaviness, as if there's still more to release, and it's probably because I've opened up the part of me that needed some relief. I guess there has just been so much build up inside of my heart, that it's too much to let it all out in one bang...I get that...I can sit with and accept that. I can accept that I may need to repeat that sequence of evens again, at least one more time, to get it all out. I may even need to just talk to a friend, and share what I have been feeling....I don't know. 
What I do know is that I am grateful that I understand what it is happening inside of me...that I know how to, in a healthy way, release and cope with whatever comes up. I am glad to be able to identify when I'm going to explode and act accordingly. And last but not least, I am grateful for what it was that lit my last fuse, because I think I really just needed to release. When we build stuff up inside, we become a ticking time bomb, where someone can so much as make a funny face, and before we know it, we're bawling our brains out.

That's all....

 

 

Always something to be grateful for

"There is always something to be grateful for..." My friend's words run through my mind, over and over again.

I think back on how much my life has changed in the past year. During this time last year, my friend Corey, from Phoenix came down and had dinner with my family and I. I am very grateful for him...that he cared enough for me to spend a day with me and my family. He was the one who was always there for me when I needed someone the most in those times. I can remember a little over two years ago, when a dear friend nearly died...and how grateful I was and still am, that he survived and is living on in a very meaningful way. I received a post card in the mail this week, and I cried...I thought that this person did not want anything more to do with me after a huge transition took place in my life....I am grateful that you thought of me....(If you are reading this).

I've been through a lot of change in the last year in particular. I began to realize that I was not thinking for myself. I was always seeking the approval of others. My goals in life became deformed, and were not exactly 100 per cent my own. A domino effect of events began to occur, which pulled me out of the place that I was, and (not lightly) sat me into the seat I am in today. I believe that for every person, there is a different path. God, to me, isn't an old man with a white beard who has preference over one denomination or religion than another. God, to me, is the air I breathe, the blood running through my veins, the wind, and the trees, the waters and the skies...God is the whole universe...a part of you, and a part of me...and we are each a part of one another. God is where I have turned since the times have gotten harder, and it teaches me to stay turned to God, even if times are seemingly not so rough.

To see someone as unequal to oneself is damaging...How can we heal this state of the world when we do not feel oneness? It is true, unconditional love for one another that will heal us; World issues cannot be resolved through war...don't you see?

For the past 8 months, I've been so fortunate to be a part of a community which offers itself fully, not only to within the community, but also to the outside...today I attended a free, donation based practice at YogaOasis with Darren Rhodes, where every dollar given would be given to the Community Food Bank. Together, over 400 dollars were donated, and for every dollar, grants that they have will times it by 9...so, today, my community helped give over 4000 dollars to the CFB in order to help those less fortunate than we, eat. The greatest thing I've learned so far in this community is how to love, and how to forgive...not only others, but also myself. There are dark places inside each and every one of us that only need to be tended to, loved, nurtured, and fed...not avoided, ignored, hated, or starved...When you shine a light into a dark room, the darkness cannot help but dissipate...it's a law of the universe...and it is just the same inside of each and every one of us.

I have finally decided to begin teaching yoga. I will begin by offering free classes; by giving the gift of yoga and community. I start next Thursday, at my home, at 6pm...it is official, and I am grateful to have found something that I am 100% passionate about. All I want to do is help people, help people heal, help people love, help people find who they really are...I don't care whether I get payed or not...as long as I can be a light in the lives of others...the same as the lights in my life who have done all the same for me.... <3 Happy Thanksgiving.

Batteries, Sweat, and Paper Cranes

I suppose it's about time for another update! I'm sorry I have taken so long since the last one; a lot has been happening around me an within me...so I've been taking a lot of time to process it all. I also own a journal that I write in, so I've been doing that a lot lately. Before I write a blog, I usually like to at least have a good understanding of what I'm writing about; in other words, I like to try and process everything and form my own opinion or special insights on a topic before displaying it to the public...and that is why I have my journal. My journal is a private place, where I am free to write anything that is troubling me or occupying my mind; no matter how irrational it may seem. My journal isn't going to judge me; it's just there to be there when I need to release, purge, and renew my mind and spirit.

It has been quite the rocky time lately...one of my good friends, KP posted on my facebook, "without some rocks, you can't have rocky road!!" heh; perfect. I love it; and it is true. It was extra funny, because I was pounding a hippie-vegan version of rocky road ice cream when she posted. (I won't tell, if you don't tell).
It's all so true though; it's the toughest of times that keep us thirsting for what is most important in life. Our taste becomes more easily satisfied...it's like our senses of it all are amplified when we are in our most trying times. The littlest things can bring us such great joy in times such as those, when we just feel like cutting ourselves off from reality or people, or whatever...these are the times in which we go inside..."Go there and Roam" - said a wise Swami... and boy, have I been roaming. It really is amazing what can happen when we take the time out to observe something, sit with it, feel it, grasp it, process it, understand it, and finally come to love it...and then we can use it. My teacherfriend said in class last night, that instead of the universe setting things up for us to have a so-called 'bad day', it's more like an obstacle course, where in one area, you'll learn patience, in another area, you'll learn stability, in another area, you'll learn kindness, and so on... and isn't this true? It is when we acknowledge that life is perfectly set up for us to find lessons in every moment. Every bit of insight and wisdom we crave is already inside of us...we just have to listen, and be with whatever it is, without judgment, and observe...

Like for instance, let's take yoga class last night. I'll just say that it was like we were in a sauna; sweat everywhere, steam rising from our skin, and fogging up the windows, and the wood flooring became a slippery mess...breathing in everyone else's steam....If you're not already used to yoga, and sweating, you may have issues being in this type of environment; but for people like me, it's the best thing ever. Nevertheless, we were hot (or hawt). The concept was to be able to cultivate good virtues in times of madness...like the steamy, sweaty yoga room (it's not even nearly as hot as bikram. I think it was only eighty-something degrees by the time we were done... "warm yoga") Anyway, it was fun seeing even our Steph sweating - she was like the battery of the sauna, and we were the circuits. Without the battery, the circuits won't work, and there will be no warmth. There has to be a desire or a drive (battery) in order for the outcome to BEcome (circuits --> heat and steam). It was like this whole metaphor being put into action; amazingness that maybe I could only see and feel and breathe...someone else may have had a different experience...maybe they were irritated; I don't know...but I was digging my sauna...and my eka pada raja kapotasana. Leaving the room to 30 degree cooler air really made me appreciate the heat we built as well...that brings me back to the rocky road statement...you can't have rocky road without a little bit of rocks...true that.

Yesterday was just full of sweetness for me...it was kind of like the complete opposite of my last few days. There was just a cascade of fortunate or sweet events (and don't forget the sweat events!). I even found a folded paper crane. For those of you who don't know about the cranes; they are symbols of good fortune and love. I was feeling really loved yesterday...by all of existence. It was like the universe was telling me in these subliminal messages, "Hey, see? I love you." I felt it...especially after that paper crane; and I was fortunate enough to share it with a few of my good friends who, out of context, I ran in to on my way to my car. (By the way, I am SO grateful to have so many AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL people in my life) Those little synchronicities make life so exciting. I'm always asking, as my friend Bj says, "How does it get better than this!?" It always gets better, so long as we just trust that life will unfold, and it will be beautiful; no matter what.

LOVE.......<3

Paper Crane: