To Feel is to be Human

To feel another human being; to feel their feelings, is known as empathy. One who is hypersensitive to the feelings of others is known as an Empath.

I am a feeler; yes... it is difficult for me to say no to someone in need, and when I cannot help someone in need, I find it hard to make eye contact, for fear that I will feel their pain; because I will. The eyes are the window to one's soul. An infants first connection to its mother after leaving the womb is usually through the eyes. It is after this connection has been made, that the infant stops crying and just gazes...in wonder...in awe...in total trust.

We connect with each other through the eyes, and through the eyes, into the soul, the heart, then the entire being of another person.  It's a beautiful thing...
But have you ever noticed, when you have either lied to or hurt someone, or someone has lied to or hurt you, that making eye contact and holding it becomes very difficult, and sometimes impossible? Yes?...this is because, mainly, you are afraid of either feeling their hurt, or transmitting your hurt to them...it's an unconscious awareness... It's a fear of allowing someone inside, deep enough to hurt us...so we look away, because we are afraid to feel pain...
By we, I mean I...

You see, I am sensitive...
I tend to love very deeply...
I tend to love so deeply, in fact, that I give to others, even if that means sacrificing my own needs.

Why?

I couldn't tell you...it's just who I am; it's how God made me. It's my karma. It's the way I'm supposed to be. And no matter how much I wish I weren't this way, somewhere deep inside of me, I know that the way that I am is perfect, and that everything around me, happening to me, cycling through me...is perfect.

It is learning to feel without judgment of myself that I struggle with the most. That is where most of my work is. That, and not allowing what or how I feel to take over my life.

I am breathed by something far greater than myself; I am breathed the same breath as every other living creature in this universe. I am no more than just a small particle on this great and vast horizon; yet I have such a great roll in maintaining the equilibrium of the whole system. We all do.... It may seem like a heavy burden to carry, but the comfort here is that everything is already perfect.

In life, we get hurt...we are supposed to get hurt, otherwise we will never learn, grow, or expand into an even fuller version of ourselves. We would never become who we are truly meant to be. We can't always change an outer circumstance, but what we can change is how we decide to respond to it.
It is always okay to cycle through the motions of anger, hurt, and pain, in whatever order that they come, but eventually, we just have to let go...and let it be...because no matter how much an outer circumstance hurts, there's a value and a purpose for it in our lives.

I'll be honest here; that right now, I'm hurting. There's no one that I blame, and even though before I may have had others to blame, or myself to blame, now, I have no one to blame. I just recognize what I'm feeling, and have decided to move through it in the best way that I can. That's all we can do...and "this too shall pass".

It's not always for the purpose of pain that we have pain; but rather it is for the purpose of cleansing, growth, and expansion that we feel pain. Pain is a piece of the puzzle of happiness. In order to feel happiness, we must also know pain. We must also know that pain does not have to mean that we cannot be happy. Pain just reminds us that love really does exist...because after all, it is in love, where we find the most heartache and suffering.

ॐ Guru Guru Wahe Guru, Guru Ram Das Guru ॐ

~Oh Divine Guide, Divine Guide who carries me across the troubles and turmoil of life. How grateful I am for Your greatness, Divine Guide... you have taken form as the light of God. In that form, guide me always.~

We are all in this together....Namaste.

When Latent Emotions are Uprooted...

Emotions are just like the weather. Some days are sunny, some are rainy, some are windy, some are warm, some are cold, and so on...Today, the Tucson skies have been overcast, but the kind of overcast that brings no rain. Within myself, my mood has been very passive, receptive, and thoughtful, but nothing extreme. During some intense yoga, I could feel something nudging my heart; you know that sudden heaviness of the heart that happens when you feel upset or heart broken. I couldn't get it to go away, so I Just sat with it for the rest of the class. I think I probably became very single-pointed after discovering what I now believe was a latent feeling that I hadn't dealt with...something that I believe has been covered up for months, or maybe even years...something which I believe has been added to over time, and finally my subtle body couldn't handle any more of the weight. I focused on keeping centered and calm, and it went fairly well, and I left class in good spirits.
I didn't have to work this evening, and only have a few assignments I need to work on for school, so I decided to treat myself to some lunch...
Then the feeling came back again, triggered by an outside circumstance that stirred the pot of my already loosened up emotional state. I had trouble enjoying my food, and I left, and then I just started to cry in my car...unaware of the exact reason why, feeling like I was absolutely crazy and stupid because I have nothing to be crying about. I gathered myself for the most part, and started to drive home...the tears kept flowing, uncontrollably. I started thinking about why I could be so emotional right now, and several thoughts drifted in and out of my mind. At first, thoughts of the outer circumstances came up, but I just knew it was something much deeper than that...it's always much deeper. I finally settled on 'abandonment'. I've been abandoned several times in my life; the first experience was being abandoned by my biological father, and then by people along my life journey, men and women alike; friends and boyfriends.
Then I started thinking about myself more...and I realized that I am a lover. I tend to have people that I love more deeply than others; sometimes that love is reciprocated, but when it is not, it's like a knife in my heart. It's when it isn't reciprocated where I tend to find everything that could possibly be wrong with me, and say see, it's "all my fault"....but is it really? Or is there just a lack of communication? I think it's always a two-way street. Whatever happens on one side of the equation will happen to the other side...that's just how the universe works... I've gotten to the point to where I am afraid to say "I love you" to people, or to hug people unless they come to me, because of my fear of being rejected, dropped, abandoned... how does one deal with such a deep rooted experience that has manifested itself in their life? I guess like most other things, recognizing it is the first step to recovery...
although I am a much stronger person now than I have ever been, I am still healing; and I will most likely be healing for the rest of my life. It's all a part of the journey, right?...

The days on which we find ourselves the most sensitive, tender, and vulnerable are the days which have the most to teach us. An outer circumstance may hurt or upset us.... But truthfully, it is by consequence of how we are thinking about and responding to outside influences that ultimately determine how we feel.

" Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn't have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends." ~Unknown

Life is a Teacher, Time is a Healer

There comes a time, when you reach that moment of peace, when everything seems to be absolutely perfect, even in the midst of chaos. 

I feel like my life is starting to make so much more sense. My job, my hobbies, my passions, and my friends...all of it seems to be in order now...all in perfect alignment with what I love, desire, and am most passionate about. Looking back, I notice how I would constantly check in with what I wanted, and I would say, "I just want to help people...to be of service". Slowly, those visions I had began to weave their way into my life. I've always been a helper, a server, a listener, an advisor, a leader, and so on...but before I could really help others, I first needed to help myself. My life has been the most perfect teacher. My life taught me how to defeat my own demons, how to find strength within, comfort within, love within, and peace within. My life, thus far, has taught me to not rely on the thoughts,feelings, opinions, comfort, or strength of others, because everyone, no matter how much love they have for anyone else, they will always need to take care of themselves first. Everyone has their own lives to live. Everyone has their own struggles, battles, and issues that they need to tend to before they can tend to another. Mending one's own heart and soul first will generate a greater understanding, and a greater capacity for compassion, love, and forgiveness.

Life continues to teach me, and I will face new teachings, new obstacles, and new experiences until the very end of my days. Every lesson prepares us for the next lesson; just like in school, it's not advised to overlook a lesson and go to the next, because one will not have the tools, the knowledge, or the wisdom to learn the next lesson (because usually, the next lesson is way more complex than the previous one!). It is important to remain present in every lesson, obstacle, and experience, so that we can absorb the most of it. Some lessons are quick, but other lessons can take weeks, months, or even years of sitting with, before we can fully understand their value in our lives. 

My greatest lesson lately has been that of Self Soothing. Definitely... I remember how I used to look to others for comfort, because I didn't know how to comfort myself. This has been a lesson of many years...and I didn't realize it was a lesson until probably a couple of months ago. Cultivating such an ability to soothe the self has been quite the experience, but has been incredibly valuable to me on my life journey. The inner strength I have gained from this practice is a phenomenal amount, and I am grateful for it. My relationships with others feel much more stable, because instead of looking for stability through another person, I can come into a relationship with another person already stable in myself, knowing who I am, what my needs are, and how I feel and think about things. I can feel strong in being who I am without being worried about what someone else may think or feel. I can also be a support to others who need it, without falling into their pain or patterns with them. Co-dependent tendencies wither away.

I feel that because I have been illuminating these areas of myself which have been kept in the dark for so long, I have been able to experience cleansing, healing, and grace in many areas of my life. There have been relationships with people in the past that caused me immense pain and suffering, due to my lack of inner strength and stability; but now, those relationships too, are healing. I feel myself becoming more eased and less anxious...less worried...more accepting of all that is, and more willing to just let go.

Life is a teacher, and time is a healer... that's all I have today.
Love,
Ashley

 

 

Thoughts on Ahimsa

Ahimsa...non-violence/non-harming...one of the 5 yamas or ways to live as described by the sage Pantajali in the ancient yoga Sutras. It is practiced at 3 levels; actions, speech, and thoughts. When I first learned about this way of living, I originally thought it meant not harming others, talking badly about others, and so on...about others...but what I've come to realize in my svahdyaya or self study, is that I have a huge issue with talking myself down. I'm admitting this publicly, because I really don't care anymore about keeping the dark in the dark. It isn't until we shed light on the dark places, that we will learn to love and accept them. What I have come to realize, is that Ahimsa is not only the non-harm towards others, but also is the non-harming of the self. 

Today was the first day of 3, of the Heart of Yoga workshop with Darren Rhodes and Christina Sell at Yoga Oasis. In this workshop, we are given the opportunity to journal about a topic or question that is asked to the group, and then we get the opportunity to small group share, and then some share with the whole class. In the evening session of the day, we were asked to reflect on our past year of practice; could be asana; could be off the matt too. We were specifically asked to elaborate on our beginnings, middles, and ends, our obstacles that we have faced or are currently facing, and then the lessons that we see in those obstacles we have encountered or are encountering. The rundown of my journal was basically this:

I had a beginning, which was rough, terrifying, and emotional, and now I'm in the middle...there's really been no end; and I don't believe that will happen for me until I die. So this middle place I am in has been a whirlwind of excitement, then disappointment, then excitement, then disappointment...and so on. It's a neverending roller coaster that has kept my journey not in the least bit boring, but rather hills and valleys of emotions, upsets, joys, heartbreaks, pain, love, and so on. My greatest obstacle is myself. I tend to get in my own way, blame myself for things that aren't my fault, and have trouble forgiving myself for those things which I think are my fault, when really they are not. When sharing with my friend Travis, he helped me out a lot by letting me know that especially at such a young age, it is incredible that I can realize what's going on inside of myself, and that instead of wondering what's wrong with me, that I can continue to work on myself and nurture and love myself, and give myself the care I need in order to be the best version of myself. We talked about how it is so easy to forgive others, yet it is so easy for us to place the blame on ourselves, and beat ourselves up inside, time and time again. This is self harming.

It makes sense that if we are not practicing ahimsa within ourselves, then we may unintentionally harm others, whether it be by how we interact with people, how we shift our moods and personalities with others, something we might say or do, etc...I have experienced unhealthy relationships where I would give, and give, and give, but when the time came to where I needed someone, I would end up feeling as if I had no one, because unfortunately, I have a bleeding heart that has a place for everyone; and a sensitive and compassionate soul that is easily manipulated and hurt. I sort of just say it's my karma, and it must be my gift to have to deal with this sort of thing in this life; What I am starting to realize is that it's so easy for me to love others, but as Travis said to me, "We can't love others to death..." because if we do, it will kill us. We risk becoming emptied and exhausted, and will have nothing left to give to those who might actually mean something to us. In order to live in happiness and joy, love must be reciprocated; and if it is not, then it is a good sign that something may not be right, and that we may need to exit the scene before we dig ourselves too deep....otherwise, we are only allowing ourselves to hurt.

Ahimsa and Love are two different things, but when Ahimsa is fully realized and practiced, there will be more room for natural love with and in our lives to form and flow.

With an open heart, I bow.