TRIGGER!!!

and so we hit a big brick wall; the kind that stops you dead in your tracks and waves a big red flag in your face...TRIGGER! Trigger, trigger, trigger....we all have those. What certain situations, words, people, places, etc. drive us to fall back into an unhealthy behavior.

The dialogue starts to chit chat in between my ears

"You're so picky. You always have to have it your way. Why do you have to be so sensitive? Why can't you just eat like everyone else?"....and yada yada yada....

My graduation is soon...next saturday, May 11...and my family wants to have me for the whole day. I can handle that...they want to have a celebratory lunch, but I never recall being asked, "Ashley, what would you like for lunch?" it's just "We're having burgers and hot dogs and turkey dogs; and we can grill a fish for you if you want that instead" And I freeze...like, "haven't I said a million times that I'm a vegetarian? That I don't eat dairy or gluten or high sugar high fat foods because they upset my whole system, turn my mood sour, and make me feel disgusting?" I replied actually saying, "I will just have the fish...I don't do meat or dairy ever" and then two minutes later, "What would you like for dessert? Cake, frozen yogurt?" me, thinking "Didn't I just say...." and here I go, right for the fridge, failing at what I had attempted not to do. Eating because my emotions were hungry. Because I felt empty, unheard, unimportant, not opinionated...even for something like my graduation/birthday celebration... Never being able to choose, always having to make the sacrifices for everyone else....all these thoughts run through my head, and finally I stop, half way through a chocolate hippie vegan coconut ice cream from Trader Joe's..."TRIGGER! Dammit...." but I stopped. I stopped in the midst of a brief moment of chaos in my head...I assessed the situation....I stopped. That's what matters. Like I mentioned in the blog I just posted before this...."it's the picking up of the self that matters the most"...An outer circumstance is an outer circumstance. We can't always choose how people are, what people do, or how they think...but what we can choose is how we respond...we can be strong in the gusty winds that attempt to knock us off our feet. It's also part of the lesson.

"Don't take anything personally".....they aren't doing it to hurt me...they just don't realize that what they do hurts me....or what they don't do might suffice as a better phrase...

I'm finished now.... Told you I'm human...

Endure and Carry On

I've finally finished writing blogs that were also written for a Technical Writing class that I have endured this semester, although, I'll probably continue writing stuff like that in the future. It's sort of been inspirational to me...In a way, it has unlocked some 'stuff' inside my head that can assist me in opening my heart even more as a write. It was a challenge, but I've learned much from it...so I am grateful.

And now, to the blog...

There's something special about this time of year; all of the beautiful blossoms are beginning to appear and flourish  atop all of the prickly cacti in this dry and hot climate of Tucson. The flowers are so beautiful, that I can forget about the heat for a moment as I'm walking, and just gaze in awe at the beauty that surrounds me. I take a sniff of the flowers, and maybe a photo, and I carry on walking wherever I'm walking to.
Not only are the flowers blooming and the temperatures rising, but this time of year also marks transition--transition into the new from the old...expansion (maybe some contraction) of the self. Challenges arise as we make our way into the future; especially the challenge of staying present and not worrying about what lies ahead...knowing that everything will fall into perfect placement, no matter what.

My teacher, but who I'll also call my friend, I've seen enduring the hard times with so much strength, so much passion, so much focus, will, and determination...so much dignity. It is so  inspiring...so moving...so full of meaning. I sit back and think of how, over time, the way in which I respond to life's many circumstances has so dramatically changed. I would isolate, grow depressed, eat (or not eat, depending on the circumstances), and drown myself in unhealthy behaviors. I would cycle through the same old patterns again and again, and then one day, it became clear to me that those behaviors weren't me. The real me was in there, somewhere, but the addiction to my own suffering kept me from getting to her. Every day, I have to make a conscious decision to be bright and positive. I have to choose every day (and even several times a day) to turn my back on unhealthy behaviors, thoughts, attitudes, and so on. It's a constant battle, a forever practice, because, hey...I'm human....thus, I'm not the image of perfection, and I do slip time and time again, but it's the 'picking of the self back up again' that matters most. The fall is just a fall, another chance for a lesson...another chance for growth.

I read a quote today, it comes from Alan Watts: “The transformation of consciousness undertaken in Taoism and Zen is more like the correction of faulty perception or the curing of a disease. It is not an acquisitive process of learning more and more facts or greater and greater skills, but rather than unlearning of wrong habits and opinions. As Lao-tzu said, ‘The scholar gains every day, but the Taoist loses every day."

We, as humans...me, as Ashley, live this life, unlearning all the negative things that we've learned over time; whether we learned them from our friends, family, society, or so on...and to learn again, as a child, how to love.

In Yoga class today, Stephani Lindsey quoted Manorama, "“Your life is for figuring out your life.” ... and she added on, "No one is going to do it for us." It's unseemingly true. We all have our own karma, we have our problems, our triumphs, and our failures...but the key is to keep on getting back up, every time we fall, and continue on the path stronger than we ever were before.

I took this photo outside of Yoga Oasis Central today. I was absolutely in awe of these flowers, because from far away, it looks like one flower, but then when you get up close, you realize that the one big flower was made up of a bunch of little flowers.... All of the pieces come together to make a whole. We humans are just like that, aren't we... We all work together, with our own little purposes, for one greater purpose...all of what we do may be small, but I think that  it means a whole lot to the bigger picture.

"What is to give light must endure burning."

Viktor E. Frankl

It's the End Where We Begin

I have found over time that establishing a yoga practice is not a quick and easy process. It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience for development and growth to occur. In the beginning, as I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs, I was so focused on getting into advanced postures before I was even remotely ready. I just wanted the pose!  …and then, I got injured. Since then, I’ve learned that growth is a never-ending process that requires infinite patience, infinite desire, infinite passion, infinite focus, and many other infinite things. I’ve come to find that there is even this infinite trust that underlies everything else.

When I realized that I needed to build my foundation from the ground-up, as well as from the inside-out, that is when my practice truly began. It was this realization that moved and touched me in the deepest areas of my being, and gifted me with the willingness and the desire to practice. “Practice, Never Perfect”, says one of my teachers, quite often.

Since I began, I have been made aware at how my practice has grown. To me, the evidence of growth lies not purely in one’s ability to move from posture to posture in the most graceful of manners, nor the ability to hold a super-advanced pose like Kapinjalasana (pictured). 

One can have the physical capacity to do all of these amazing things, but still have an absence of, or an incomplete practice. The true evidence of my own growth lies in the way that I carry myself, speak to myself, interact with the world and others around me, and then yes, the physical abilities that come with practicing asana regularly. The physical practice is just a physical manifestation of the greater whole of the practice; the greater whole of life as it is. When this is realized, then, your practice begins.

Finding a Connection

I work for a drug and behavioral health rehabilitation center. Depending on our shift assignments, on occasion, we get to take the patients to AA meetings (Alcoholics Anonymous) or other meetings of the sort. The other day, I was assigned to take a couple of our patients to a Buddhist AA meeting called Sarpashana. There were two of us (staff) on this trip, so I was allowed to go in, participate, and observe the process. I had never been to a meeting like this, although I have been to general meditation classes. This was was literally a 12-step meeting based off of Buddhist ideals, instead of the usual Christian 12-step programs. During the session, we first read a chapter out of a thought provoking book (which I don’t remember the name of), and then we sat in meditation for 20 minutes, contemplating what we had read. At the end of the meditation, we had an hour long discussion about things that may have come up for us in that time. People shared their stories, their thoughts, their hardships, and their insights. This experience was wonderful for me, because I think of Yoga as being a wide spectrum of practices, which are combined into one complete practice –meditation practice is a huge piece of that greater practice.

Group meditation on one subject is also very profound, because some of the things that people would bring up and talk about, were very similar to the things that I and others had been thinking of simultaneously. To have been able to discuss our insights as a group was an extremely powerful way for those of us who participated to dig deeply into our subconscious and bring light into the places that were still either dark or dim (as I discussed in my last blog). Being in practice as a group, whether in singing, dancing, yoga-asana, mantra, prayer, or meditation has such a powerful impact on me, in my own experience. What I love most about being in group settings is the feeling of being one with all of existence. It reaches my heart in the most profound of ways, and touches my soul deeply. I encourage everyone to find something like that. It is a freeing feeling, knowing that I am a part of something greater than myself, and thatall others are a part of it as well. Connectedness is important. That, I believe very strongly.

The Places that Scare Us

Yoga can be scary. From my own experience, I’ve had many poses that I’ve feared trying without the supervision of an instructor (and in some cases, even with supervision), because some poses can be dangerous if one does not have a planned ‘escape’ route, or something that one can pull back in to; like trying to hop up into a handstand without a wall behind you, or trying new hand and feet variations of head-stand, forearm-stand, shoulder-stand, and so on. Some even fear back-bending postures, such as full wheel, camel, or king pigeon for reasons all their own.

For me, one of the scariest things is not being able to practice asana. If I am unable to practice asana, I am taken into a whole other world of yoga; and that is the yoga of patience and stillness.

You see, about a week ago, I had an accident, and tripped over someone’s old beer bottle on the stairs at my apartment. I landed on glass, cutting open about a 3 inch long and ½ inch wide area on the back of my right calf. (Thankfully, that was all, as well as some bruises to go with it). Although it was only minor, it put me out of a regular practice on my mat. At first, I started to “flip out”. I cried more about not being able to practice at all for a few days, and be cautious for a week or two after. (Forget the wound; the inability to practice was killing me much more). All in all, it was pretty pathetic. Eventually, I realized that I needed to open up this space within me, and go into the places that scared me the most. I found that what I feared most was having to sit with myself…be with myself…because it is difficult for someone who likes to keep themselves busy (a.k.a. Me) to “take it easy” and “relax”. Once I identified my fear, I sat with it. I went to the things that I knew could pull me back in; the things that could bring be back to my center. I sat in meditation, in breathing, and focused on understanding, patience, and love. I sat and grew more comfortable. I sat, and found ease. I sat, and found what I most desperately needed to find. I found yet another piece of myself that is crucial to my development as an “urban yogi”, or more so as a human being. 

In the end, we can always make the choice of trying something scary and new, but sometimes, the Universe ‘speaks’ and says, “You have to go there. I’m making you”, thus crazy things happen in our lives for the sole purpose of entering the dark spaces that we so greatly fear, so that we may if we choose, shed light within the darkness in order to grow and expand into who we are meant to become.

Be Your own Best Teacher

“If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.”

~ Confucius

Choosing a teacher, not only in yoga, but in any other life practice or personal hobby, is something that takes a lot of openness, non-judgment, awareness, self-discovery, and most of all, patience. From my own experience, I’ve had to face my own inner demons as I learned to love and trust some of my own cherished teachers in school, as well as in yoga. For the sake of keeping things on topic, we’ll focus on yoga, or anything of this particular nature.

When I first began my yoga practice, I remember going to about 3, 1 hour classes per day (during the school week) and to all different instructors for the first two weeks that I had started up at a particular studio in town (Yoga Oasis, if anyone is interested!). Once those two weeks had come to an end, I was already addicted to yoga, and craved it in my almost every waking moment. I had also found my teacher of choice, as well as a couple of secondary preferences as I progressed in practice.

Throughout the following year, I continued to learn and take in new insights and experiences; triumphs and failures; growth and injuries; expansion and contraction…life progressed… In the beginning, it is easy to nearly ‘worship’ or idolize one’s teacher, at least in my experience; but as time goes on, and more time is spent with a teacher or teachers, the open, honest, and growing student will soon (hopefully) realize that the superficial teacher alone is not the answer. As the Confucius quote implies, the teacher is merely a mirror of both our strengths and weaknesses. We get to see them both, become the good, and correct the not-so-good, but learn to love both just as equally. The teacher is not there to show us perfection. The teacher is there to show us everything…even the not-so-pretty stuff that we typically like to keep ourselves isolated from.

On the surface, I have my teachers that I prefer to go to and learn from over others…but the most amazing development I have had, is my understanding that I am my own best teacher. Only we know ourselves completely, and only we have the power to choose what lessons we learn and what insights we take in. All lessons are taken in by choice…and that is why I choose to be my own best teacher. The teachers I find outside of myself are simply there because I subconsciously chose them (whether I like it, or not) to show me the pieces of myself that still need my awareness, understanding, love, and light. They are there as guides, lights, messengers, mirrors, friends, peers, and examples to live by. The best (and maybe scariest) part of this whole matter is, you could be someone else’s mirror…so, what is it that you would most like to reflect?