Be the Light - My Experience, My Review

I just returned from a week long yoga retreat in Costa Rica, lead by Christine Lee and Stephani Lindsey, at Hacienda del Sol retreat center in San Juanillo, Guanacaste, Costa Rica. No words can describe how wonderful and perfect it was. The journey there was long, and took about 12 hours in total to get to Liberia from Tucson. I traveled alone, all the way until I reached Liberia, where I met up with another retreater, Gail, and we met our taxi driver for a 2 hour drive to the center. On the first flight from Tucson to Houston, I had the pleasure of watching the sun rise. It was remarkable.
I decided to take this trip in July, and had no idea that the timing would be so perfect. I have been struggling with drama and stress at work, and it had started to take its toll on me. Fortunately I have been able to confide in friends and coworkers  during the time leading up to the trip; it kept me sane for the most part.

Once we arrived to HDS, we were greeted by the lovely manager, Meg, who showed us to our open-air cabinas (cabins) and then took us up for dinner. We met everyone in the dining area, and began to eat. The food was mostly raw, with a little cooked stuffs here and there, as well as occasional fish throughout the week. The food was so amazing, and regulating. I think most of us revamped our entire systems by the end of the week ;)

The cabinas, once again, were open-air, meaning air could freely flow through the window screens. We were provided with mosquito nets over our beds, which may I add, made me feel sort of like a princess. The sounds at night lulled me to sleep, whereas nature also became my alarm clock in the mornings. The birds would chirp and sing, and Stef described one of the bird songs as sounding like the Thrift Shop song by Macklemore. LOL! There were also noises of howler monkeys, crickets, frogs, armadillos (walking around), as well as fireflies lighting up the night. There were fireflies in our cabin one night, and it was pretty awesome. My roommate was Anne, and she's also from Tucson. She's such a lovely person, and I am so grateful that I was able to room with her for many reasons.

The daily schedule was as follows:
7:30 am 30 minute mantra, pranayama, and meditation w/ Stef and Christine
8:30 am Breakfast
9:30 am 2 hour asana practice w/ Stef and Christine
12:00 n  Lunch
(FREE TIME)
4:00 pm 1 hour yin or restorative asana/ pranayama w/ Stef
5:00 pm 1 hour personal development w/Christine
6:00 pm Dinner
(FREE TIME)
*On the second day, we had a full moon ceremony after dinner
*On the last day, we had a Closing/Gratitude circle before dinner

The days were structured very nicely, and Christine and Stephani were both very flexible (hehe) and accomodating to everyone's needs. If people wanted to skip things, they could, no problem. Some of the group went on excursions, although I decided not to, since I've done most of the excursions that they offered the last time I was in CR. I just wanted to retreat. On the second day, Anne and I went to the black sand beach, which was about a 20 minute walk (kind of hike-ish). It was so relaxing and rejuvenating to spend time in the ocean, playing in the sand, doing handstands and back bends, taking pictures, and jumping in the waves. I felt like a child again...so free.

On asana:
As the days progressed, the morning practices became more and more intense. The sequencing was different everyday, although we would build on certain things each day from the previous days. We did everything under the sun. We even had the opportunity to work with partners when doing handstands and forearm stands, as well as urdva dhanurasana (wheel) and assisted downward facing dogs. Stef and Christine would take turns teaching the morning class, and during the evening class, Stef would teach alone. The evenings were nice and refreshing; headstand, shoulderstand, forward folds, twists, and hip openers. Christine and Stephani both did a fabulous job teaching and co-teaching. When one of them taught, the other would walk around and gently adjust those of us who needed adjusting. Both were very nurturing and careful in their adjustments and direction. It was incredible to watch everyone progress and become stronger throughout the week. It was magical.

On meditation:
Every morning we would chant the Ganesh mantra, Gayatri mantra, and Sarve Bhavantu Sukhina mantra.
Following mantra, we did what was called a Quadrinity Check, where we would scan our body and make a mental note of how we are physically feeling, then we would scan through our thoughts and make a note of what we had been thinking about since we woke up, then we would scan our heart for the emotions we felt, and lastly, we would focus on the place behind our heart, also known as "the cave of the heart", where our True Self resides, underneath all the physical, mental, and emotional aspects of ourselves, and we would ask ourselves, "true self, is there anything you want me to know today", and we would wait. Sometimes, there was nothing...other times, there were images, words, or sensations which were only of good nature. After the QC, we practiced pranayama. We did something different every day, like Nadhi Shodana, Ujayi, Square Breathing, and Breath of Fire. After pranayama, we sat in a 10-15 minute silent meditation. There were of course sounds around us, one woman who almost always around the same time every morning would be on the phone talking about dealing drugs, or workers blending smoothies for breakfast, cracking open coconuts, kitchen staff conversing with one another...at times, these distractions made it difficult, but we were told to let those distractions remind us to come back to our breath. I noticed progress over the week. No matter what, I always came out of that meditation room feeling more grounded and centered than I had when I walked in.

On community
Most of us had no idea who each other was. The only people I knew were Stef and Christine, but everyone else was a stranger.

Gail:
I first connected with Gail when we were picked up by our taxi at the Liberian airport. I noticed a woman sitting outside, and I somehow knew it was her. I asked her if she was Gail, and she bursted up and we hugged each other...complete strangers! It was like a soul reunion. We had quite the adventure getting to HDS, as the bridge was closed on one side, and only one lane of traffic could go at a time. It took us about 30 min longer to get to HDS than expected, and we were both getting our patience tested. I think we were both grateful to be in each other's company, and we made great conversation on the ride. She is a retired grade school principal who found out about the retreat randomly online, not knowing either teacher or anyone going. She's a brave one! She just started getting really in to yoga, and loves it. I'm glad! She's amazing.
Anne:
We were roomies! I can't describe what a wonderful creature she is. She lights up the whole room when she walks into it. She's from Tucson also, and works for Aveda skin and hair care. She's also one of Stephani's students. I never met her until the retreat, so I'm really glad she came! She's asked me if I would want to teach yoga to the students at Aveda Institute and receive free services in return, and I would be silly not to take up that offer! She was such a comfort to have around, and I would steel inscence from the colema (coffee enema) stalls and burn them in our room some mornings and nights. We could just sit in silence and be completely comfortable. It was nice to have her energy around. We had so much fun at the beach, as I talked about earlier. I'm just really glad to have met her.
Bonnie:
She's so wise, confident, and beautiful. She had some of the best wisdom to share with the group, and she also has this knack for tasting every single ingredient in a dish. It was awesome! If we wanted to know what was in something, we just asked her, and she'd most often have it right! She was adorable and such a treat to be around.
Trish:
She is such a grounding and stable woman. It was hard not to get sucked into her peaceful energy when she was around. I didn't get to talk to her much, but when we did talk, I found her to also be very wise, confident, and beautiful.
June:
She had a child like way of figuring out asana. She always has some really great questions during practice, and always had a desire to learn more. It was refreshing to have that as well. She has this way of making people think. She was also great with spanish!
Melissa:
Such a soul sister. We have been going through similar stuff, therefore we were able to connect at a heart level and speak to each other of our hardships. She is so fun and loving, and good natured. She also wore the most awesome colors every day! I loved having her sense of humor around.
Danielle:
She was the most mothery of mother figures to have around. She has a baby back home, and would skype with him every night! It was the most adorable thing to see. Like me, she's a sensitive being, sensitive to others' emotions and to strong personalities, so we were able to connect on a lot of things. She was also very grounding and nurturing to be around. That child of hers is so fortunate!
Wes:
The only male on the retreat! He was so funny! He was also very respectful and kind to everyone. He was there to learn, and was open to anything. I also noticed how he would take care of himself and take a break if he was feeling tired. He was a fun person to be around.

Christine: Dear Christine, I met about a year ago. I met her in Stephani's class one night, and was like "who is this badass next to me?" She's got such a loving and kind energy and is probably one of the funnest people I know. It was puring rain on the second to last night of the retreat, and she goes to her room, puts on her bathing suit, and runs by the dining area screaming "COME SWIM WITH ME!!!" and was jumping around like a crazy person. It was hilarious...so we all get into the pool eventually, and we start playing games and acting like absolute lunatics. Christine got us doing synchronized swimming, which will be on youtube soon, I'm sure, and then she had us play some farm animal game where we had to scream the sound of a rooster, pig, or cow to find other roosters, pigs and cows, while our eyes were shut. The management came out of their rooms to see what the hell was happening, and they were so in awe at how much fun we were having without being under the influence of any type of substance...I'll never forget that night, and I'm so grateful for Christine's fun loving and carefree nature. I am also grateful for the personal development work she brought us this week, which I will elaborate more on later. She's very wise, generous, and friggin happy. I love it. ANNND I think this is just the beginning :)

Stephani:
My teacher, my sister, my friend. Wow...I've spent almost 2 years with her. No words can describe her influence in my life, other than that she's definitely a special force within it; a guiding light, and a reminder and reflection of the light within myself. Not to mention, she's absolutely hilarious, all the time, and her smile brightens up everything within a very large radius. She has much wisdom, love, and compassion to offer the world, sees life like poetry, and lives from her heart. She's someone I look up to immensely. She gives so much of her self, all the time, and sees that it is her duty to serve others, and serving others makes her happy, gives her strength, and keeps her fire burning. She's been a perfect roll model, confidante, mentor, teacher, and friend to me; through the highs and the lows. She's a force to be reckon with, that's for sure. I look forward to many more years with her...as she grows, I also grow, and I am deeply grateful for her presence in my life.
Also, there was this experience with a beautiful blue butterfly, and all I can say is that it was one of the sweetest, most magical things I've ever seen. She basically saved this butterfly and set her free back into the jungle. It was amazing...and wonderful how much the butterfly was able to let go and just trust that she was safe...it was for sure an awe moment...and a reminder of how love will set you free.










On personal development:

This work was almost like an emotional survival game. We received tools to help us work through emotions, and protective layers that we have which are there to keep us from sitting with and feeling what we are actually feeling...and both of those laters, the protective and emotional layer, are what keep us from experiencing our true Self.
We were asked to journal on a certain topic nightly; some topics included:
- What do I want in my life?
- "I am" statement (ie: I am a compassionate, loyal, genuine, energetic, peaceful, poetic, open hearted, luminous being, who is grounding and reassuring to others, and who's purpose in life is to guide others to the discovery of their own light) <<- What were all of you craziest and wildest dreams as a child?
- What are my fears?
- IN what ways to I play small in my life?
- What does it mean to me to let my light shine?

We discussed how to break and transform patterns, and were given tools and ideas on how we can attempt to work on ourselves before seeking professional help. We talked about how old patterns are the Samskaras, ones which are like deep, learned grooves in our brains; things that are automatic...it's the same as retraining someone's automatic response who has PTSD...it works the same way.

I went through a short period of time on this trip where I just felt completely overwhelmed with emotions, things that were triggered by the PD classes, and I felt my entire being become flooded with anxiety, anger, pain, loneliness, and others. I eventually processed it all, and eventually, with help, I returned back to balance, and everything was better after it all happened. I think I just needed to feel it. It needed to happen. I had been keeping things bottled up inside of me, and not allowing myself to feel them until that moment. It was a pivotal point for me...and I'm grateful for it. The work is always there, and now that I have tools to work with, I see myself making a lot of progress in the future.


Now I sit here on my couch at home, writing about my experience, but also knowing that this does not do it justice...it's one of those things that, "you'd just have to be there" to understand how amazing and transformational it was. It seems that there will be more retreats to look forward to in the future. As I look ahead, I see myself attending many retreats, as well as one day hosting some. I am absolutely stoked about life, and what I have to offer the world. My mission in life is to be of service...to spread my light and share it with ever single being I come into contact with. All things are possible... anything I put my entire self to, mind, body, and spirit, will come to pass, and from this day forward, I set the intention be the light, wherever I go...no matter what may come.

Namaste: The divine light in me sees, recognizes, honors, and loves the divine light in you.

Om Sarve Bhavantu Sukhinah
Sarve Santu Nir-Aamayaah 
Sarve Bhadraanni Pashyantu
Maa Kashcid-Duhkha-Bhaag-Bhavet 
Om Shaantih Shaantih Shaantih 

 Om, May All become Happy,
 May All be Free from Illness.
 May All See what is Auspicious,
 May no one Suffer.
 Om Peace, Peace, Peace.

What you Sew, you Reap

I watch as the smoke of the incense spirals through the air in the room, making intricate shapes as it dances around me. The fragrance is soothing and calming...

My thoughts drift into memories, wishes, to dos, anxieties, worries, and fears...and I snap back into the present moment. "label those things as thoughts, and return to your breath"...as my bikram teachers say throughout the class. I breathe...my mind wanders, I catch it, and I return to the here and now...and then my mind wanders again, and I catch it again, and then I return back to the here and now once more...and then again, and again...it is an intimate dance, between mind, body, and spirit; one which is complicated, yet so simple at the same time. I look for the connection between the three, yet also for the separation...meeting in the middle is supposedly where bliss is found...acceptance...ananda.

I wish I were as good about journaling as I used to be...it can be difficult when there is a lack of time. I'll think of something really great, and I'll think, "I will write that down later" and my mind so easily discards the thought, as though it were never there. It's an annoyance at times, and sometimes it's nice to have the ability to just let things go. Letting go is hard for most. I remember when I had a really hard time letting certain people go in my life, and when I finally did, there was an almost instant sense of ease within me.

I was listening to a conference call last night, where my brother Chris was speaking, and he said something that made so much sense to me, and touched a place in my heart that needed the touching. He said, "you cannot reach others unless you reach yourself first". I've been believing this a lot lately...I started trying to reach myself, and that was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but when I finally reached myself, I found that I had in fact been neglecting and abusing myself so much...forgetting that I, too am important. It's an unconditional love that we so desperately need from ourselves in order to be able to unconditionally love and have compassion for others.

My job at the drug and behavioral health rehabilitation center requires a lot of me...It takes and takes and takes, yet it also gives and gives and gives. As stressful and as taxing as it may be, it has taught me, and continues to teach me a great amount. It has been such a great teacher in my life. The patients I work with have been such great teachers. The co workers I have had to work and deal with have been great teachers. Regardless of my relationship with all of these people and what I think and feel about the way some of them are, or the way they treat me or others, or the way that they behave and/or handle situations, they are still my teachers. I have to dig really deep within myself to find compassion for the ones that hurt or wrong me, in work life and in my own personal life...but the compassion is always there. We just have to get out of our own way sometimes. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it... Finding compassion and unconditional love for others inside of myself is a way for me to give, not only to those receiving such feelings, but also for myself. When I hold on to thoughts and feelings which do not serve me, or those around me, I am harming myself and others with the things that I hold on to...but primarily, I am hurting myself. When I choose to let things go, and to breathe and to just let myself feel those feelings, then let them pass, I am giving myself a great gift of just being, feeling, and breathing...

I heard a saying the other day, my friend was telling me that she heard someone say that the phrase "this too shall pass" came from an ancient Sufi saying which would make the sad man happy and the happy man sad...because all material things are impermanent. All circumstances, good or bad, will come to an end...so the whole idea is to just be present...to breathe through and just be with whatever comes, and to accept it as it is.

I remember also the saying, "what you sew, you reap"...so whatever we are sewing into others and/or ourselves, we will also reap. If we sew in hatred and negative thoughts into someone else, we will reap the same...and the same with love, compassion, and positivity...

I will leave it at that... thank you for reading.

Namaste

Blurred Lines

They say, "if you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it was meant to be, all along".

I've let go of many things I've loved as I've lived...Some things never came back to me, but others did. I guess...not only things, but people too. I've had falling outs, disconnects, and just simply loss of contact with certain people, only to find that in some mysterious way, they fall right back into my life, as if they had never even left it.
The people that come back like this, I call my guardians...my angels...my soul friends...practically like family. There's something special about these relationships that I have with them...they aren't normal; but they are beautiful still. Some are like mothers and fathers, guiding me in the right direction, and nurturing my spirit. Some are like sisters and brothers, with whom at times, I get into arguments or have disagreements and misunderstandings with, and even still, we love each other and love being around each other. These people are like my support system...my network of like-hearted and like-minded individuals, whom I can trust and find great joy in my relationships with them...these are the people who understand me the most...who see me at both my best and my worst. It's all so fascinating to me...

One of my best friends and I had a falling out a while back, and didn't talk for about a year...and one day, I received a letter from this friend...my mind initially went to "why would this person want anything to do with me?" I remember not responding for a while, and that was when I received another letter...by then my heart sank. I responded at last, and ever since, for the past 9 months, we've kept in contact in this way. I get to see this friend for the first time in almost 2 years this week. I'm a mixture of excited, scared, nervous, and grateful...but mainly grateful. I honestly thought that I'd lost my friend forever...but God didn't let that happen...I'm not sure why...not at the moment, but all I know is that I'm very grateful that I did not lose my friend. I am also grateful for the time I had separate from my friend, because that is the time when I learned the most about who I really was...I gained experience and insight in myself, and realized that I'm so much more than I really thought I was. I just thought I was some person, here on Earth to do labor, eat, and then die...but now I see that I am so much more than that. I am joy, happiness, love, peace, beauty. I am everything...and one with all that is...just simply a piece of the greater puzzle in this mysterious, vast universe we live in. It amazes me to think about life...sometimes I have to stop myself from thinking so much, because I realize that there's a lot that I'm just never going to know...I used to not be okay with that, but now I am.

One of my dear friends has recently been helping me a lot lately...guiding me, yet also being a support and a listening ear. I'm grateful for that. There are things that have come up for me lately that I never really would have thought so deeply about before, but now, with my life experience, it seems important to contemplate before acting. Why do we act impulsively, without meditating on something first? I think that maybe it's the ego that acts as such an impulsive body, and we as humans get so wrapped up in egotistical thinking that we forget about the deeper, more important pieces of the puzzle.

There is someone recently in my life who has just sort of randomly popped up, who I've gained a huge interest in. He is always so kind to me, always asks me questions about myself, and always seems to want to talk to me when I am around. I am almost dumbfounded at this, because I'm so used to being the one who's asking all the questions. But for some reason, I find myself a little shy and also scared, because I've been rejected many times in the past. I do find him charming, attractive, sweet, and intelligent...but I also find him mysterious...maybe that's what really draws me in...
It would be easy for anyone to say, "just ask him to tea or coffee" but there is a boundary there that I am not so sure I should be crossing...I've learned in life, that one should steer clear of getting into intimate relationships with their teachers...in fact, this is what my friend had advised me...but I never intended on this man to be my teacher; I only by coincidence of time end up taking his classes more often...not by choice really... so it's a complicated situation in my head. It's not like he is a school teacher; he teaches yoga. I guess that's where the line is blurred for me...

I guess this is just one thing that I'll have to sit and watch unfold. I feel uncomfortable actually saying or doing anything about it, because I don't know what the response will be, and I also feel like some things are "better left unsaid" ...for now anyway....

There's not much left for me to write about...this post was a bit more personal than my others, but I really just needed to get some things out in the open...and see what the universe might send back to me...

Thanks for reading...Namaste.

We are all Butterflies; and the Earth is our Chrysalis

I just recently attended a workshop called Emerge from your Chrysalis State; taught by the lovely Stephani Lindsey, in the beautiful Flagstaff, AZ. I always learn a lot of things from her, as she has been my main teacher since March, 2012, but this time, the main things I learned were not as much physical as they were spiritual. (Although I received a lot of refinement in my alignment, and gained new physical insights throughout the weekend that are sure to deepen and expand my practice). I dug deep within myself to really search for what was not yet found...to find the pieces of me that I have still been missing and needed to recover in order to move forward in my life as well as in my practice.

Patience is my mantra these days. I'm a serious yoga student, with a serious passion for practice and a serious dream to teach, travel teach and do workshops all over the place. It's a burning desire that I've had since I was in high school. I remember the first time I ever tried yoga, I was in my Sophomore PE class in High School. We had yoga once a week for one quarter. I loved it. That's where I learned to do my very first head stand ( Sirsa 2). Ever since this time, it's been a desire that lived in the back of my mind, and would occasionally be sparked by some experience. I remember going through a hard time in high school; depression, anxiety, eating disorders, cutting, and feeling worthless all the time. I remember my doctor prescribing me yoga once. My mom bought me a couple of yoga DVDs and I would do them occasionally...they always seemed to help.  In college, I was reintroduced to yoga when my dear friend Elizabeth Brewer, who was my dorm-mate got me to go to the classes that she taught at places like LA Fitness and the Student Rec Center at the University. I remember at those times, yoga was very hard. Warrior poses were my least favorite, and backbends were things I thought my spine just couldn't do. I left yoga again for a couple of years. When I came back to it, I came back with a lot of baggage...and a lot of wounds, searching for healing and for myself...the self that I had lost throughout the years of trying to impress others, especially my family, as well as the years I lost with my friends and family when I had joined a church that I thought was the best thing for me, but in the end drained me of who I really was. In order to get myself back, I had so much work ahead of me, that it seemed nearly impossible...I found Yoga Oasis in 2012. I wasn't sure what to expect, I was nervous...even a little terrified...but as soon as I walked in, the teacher (who happened to be Stephani) was there to greet me with her kind, warm presence; eyes obviously filled with compassion. I was not nervous anymore. From that moment on, I guess you could say I found my addiction to yoga, and I haven't stopped for more than 2 days ever since.

From the beginning, I feel as if I've been going through the process of metamorphosis. I've always been fascinated by the butterfly, because it goes through a huge series of changes in its one life. It goes from being a caterpillar, crawling on the surface of the earth, to blossoming into a beautiful butterfly, who flies over the earth with such grace and poise, and beauty...it's hard not to be fascinated by such a creature... but I've found, that humans are a lot like butterflies, and the Earth is our chrysalis. We undergo our own radical changes in this one life, in order to become something more beautiful and graceful in the end. My own life feels this way. I went from being in the womb, where I was once connected completely with God, to being born and being taught separateness, to feeling the pain of separateness in my adolescence and early adulthood, to realizing that maybe I'm not separate at all in my 20's. Now 22, I am feeling more connected with everything...less separate...less pain...more peace, because I know, deep down that we are all connected, and this comforts me greatly.

Patience has gotten me here, and patience will take me to where I need to be...I feel like I have broken out of my cocoon, but I still feel like I haven't yet become entirely freed. I'm still sort of...hanging on...because I'm waiting until the time is right...I am waiting until I feel ready...and when I am ready; when the time is right, I'll just know it, and I'll finally be able to fly.

Right now, I know that I am exactly where I need to be. Before, I wanted to just rush into things: relationships, teacher trainings, etc. But the truth is that I have needed to experience the process of metamorphosis first. I needed to learn the teachings, to learn from myself, to learn to love myself...to see everything as a whole...

Today, I feel the most ready to teach yoga than I ever have, but something inside of myself still tells me, "wait, just a little while longer". So I am waiting... I'm not yet there, but I am getting there. I don't know how long it will take, but all I know is that it will take long enough.

Namaste

This is an image I took in Costa Rica, in 2009
Glass Wing Butterfly

Me, trying to Unblock my Writers' Block

I remember coming to my little writing space, opening up my lap top to a blank page, thinking, "I'm going to write today." only...to find myself getting distracted and losing track of time, completely forgetting what I had originally intended to do. So, I left the apartment, went to yoga, then went to work, and came home at eleven something at night, to find my computer screen sitting there, still on the blank page that I had intended to write on. By then, I was like "fuck it." pardon my language. "I'm tired." And I went to sleep. Here I am now, throwing up my thoughts onto this page in no particular order, because I just feel like writing, and nothing is going to stop me now. :D

I've been having a lot of major insights lately; lots of synchronicities and interesting experiences which brought me those insights. I feel pretty fortunate to have the life that I have, to be living and breathing, to be easily entertained by mother nature and its bipolar way of being. I feel so fortunate and so blessed to be surrounded by the people I know; to get the chance to see and interact with many of them on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. I'm grateful for the connections I am able to have with others, because it helps me to feel that sense of oneness that many of us so often crave and desire.

I've been going at it pretty hard for the past few months; practicing yoga daily; not only the asana, but also the yoga of the mind. I've been working hard, long hours, not only at my job, but in general. I've been working on myself full time. I've been finding hidden treasures beneath the surface of myself, as well as dust and mold and grime that I've been working to clear out. A lot of my insights revolve around self love, self care, self worth, self confidence, and self respect...but these insights pour into the love, care, worth, cofidence, and respect that I have developed for others. Life is always a two way street. What you give, you get back the same in return. One of my co-worker friends was playing with a water toy in the office, and was squirting people, and pulled the trigger, only to find the water coming out of the toy backwards, soaking her more than anyone else. She goes "dang! That's some quick karma!" For sure...That's how I see life. Sometimes karma comes back at us as quickly as the action we made; but other times, it can wait months, or even years to come back at us. The thing to remember is that everything that happens to us, happens for a reason. We are here on this earth to learn and to grow. We are here to become better, to help each other...to love.

I often forget the importance of rest, and I'll drive myself into a wall before I realize I'm in overkill. It's my tendency that I'm working on changing. Today I rested before work, whereas I would normally kick it at a yoga studio somewhere and sweat my buns off. Of course, to me, it's not JUST about the sweat or the workout or the toning and trimming. Those are just extra benefits to my practice. The reason it's so hard for me to take a break, I think lies in the matter that my practice is my spiritual food. I feel nourished after a session. I feel renewed and refreshed in my mind and spirit, and sometimes even my body feels more energized; other times my body feels tired...and that is when I realize I need to rest for at least a day or two...so I do...now.

I am going out of town to Flagstaff for a yoga workshop with Miss Stephani Lindsey, and I am extremely grateful that I'm able to attend and pay for it. I'm also grateful that a few of my friends are going to be there as well. I have a feeling that this weekend is just what I need...Emerge from your Chrysalis State...that is the title of this workshop.
"A self made sanctuary... A place for change and growth...a chrysalis is created in anticipation of both." ~ K. D'AngeloIn a sense, this life we live is lived in a chrysalis state- from which we learn and grow and change over time, emerging into something more beautiful, just as the butterfly emerges from its cocoon and flies gracefully through the wind, sipping on the nectar of life from the flowers it encounters, just as we take each lesson in life as a gift...as if each lesson were a wild flower, filled with the nectar which feeds our spirit so that we can learn, grow, and experience the beauty that all of life truly is.

I feel like life breaks you to make you stronger. I feel like my life does anyway. It's typically in my most vulnerable and emotional times that I experience the most out of my life. I experience humility, support, cleansing, and starting over....and starting over is always going to be an option, no matter where you are in life. I truly believe that.

I think this is enough dialogue for the night. Goodnight all. Love.

Freedom from Myself

Yoga gets me back into my body. Currently, in my experience with Bikram, I am forced to face myself in the mirror, every day, for 90 minutes at a time. It's amazing how afraid I am to look into my own eyes. Some days, it's worse than others. I notice my tendencies. The teacher says, "Look into your own eyes, the eyes of you own best teacher, your own best friend." I look, and I don't think, but I feel...unworthiness, guilt, fear... My gaze into my eyes slips away and I look at the floor.I feel shameful, and sorry for the pain I have caused myself.  Looking at myself in the mirror is like looking at another human being. I would never harm another human being, physically of emotionally, but why would I harm myself in those ways? I feel guilty. I criticize my body, where I feel it is imperfect and "could use some work". I criticize my mind and emotions, "why can't I be just like everyone else?"...well, truth is, I already am like everybody else. We just don't talk about it with each other. We are so afraid of being seen as "crazy" or "unstable" when in reality, we all struggle the same. We are all trapped within our own skin, our own minds...not knowing who we can trust, because we can't even trust ourselves. When I looked in the Bikram mirror yesterday, I realized something. I don't trust myself. I am embarrassed of myself...which is why I cannot look deeply into my very own eyes for more than two seconds, or into the eyes of a best friend, teacher, or confidante, without feeling shame, guilt, pain, or fear...no matter how much I love them. But I cannot look into another's eyes and feel fully content and comfortable until I can look into my own eyes and feel that way first. It's the mirror of life, reflecting my answers back to me...this is why....this is why... I'm ashamed of myself, which is why I hide.
I notice my gaze drifting, and I bring it back to my eyes. I hear my inner voice say, "look at yourself. That is you...honor yourself, your body, your mind. Do not be afraid." I hear my other inner voice tell me all the bad things about my body, and myself...but I try my best to ignore it and focus on the practice. The heat pulls me in. Sweat drips from every bare place on my body; down my forehead, off my chin, from my elbows, knees, fingers, and toes...
Sometimes I practice next to my teacher, peer, and friend, who motivates me more than she knows. I even fear looking into the eyes of these dear ones in my life; the people who inspire me the most...the people who are my greatest teachers. I close off and become scared, especially when I am wearing next to nothing; thinking that I'm going to be judged; but I'm only judging myself.
The most difficult part of the Bikram practice is the ladies room; it's no longer the heat, the sweat, or the postures...The ladies room is filled with women who are unafraid to bare their skin around other women, all while making small talk and eye contact...I cannot yet do this; because I have not yet found the confidence in myself to do so. I am shy with my body, and fearful to bare it all...I even feel uncomfortable speaking to and making eye contact with the naked women...It has nothing to do with them; only me and my embarrassment of my body. The human body is a beautiful vessel for the soul, but my insecurities are strong. I get nervous, scared, and anxious. I wait for the room to empty before I undress...I shower long, hoping that maybe everyone will be gone by the time I'm done; but there is always someone there. There's always someone there....as in life; there's always someone who wants to understand and see you for who you are; there's always someone who doesn't care about your flaws, but who will love you for who you are...There will always be someone who wants to help you become comfortable, who will want to help you see that you are beautiful and perfect in every way. But it is the most difficult to bare all; spiritually, emotionally, physically...to those closest to us. It's the fear of rejection, because we (maybe unknowigly) are rejecting ourselves.
It is difficult, but I know that I can get through this. Facing myself in the mirror every day, and getting to know who I truly am, and how I honestly feel, is the best thing I could possibly be doing for myself right now. It is another big step in my personal and spiritual development; my own growth, expansion, and understanding of myself...of life...of everyone and everything. We can all change the world by first changing ourselves...Once I can be free, you can be free...we can all be free...

Taking the Heat

I sit at the foot of my bed, next to my window, thinking, contemplating, planning, observing... The sky is clouded with remnants of the firework smoke from last night. The 4th of July...probably one of the most dangerous holidays, but typically a fun one. My day was simple; I worked from the morning into mid-afternoon, found myself exhausted and took a nap, woke up about 2 hours later and thought, "What should I do?" I have the tendency to think that "no one wants to spend time with me." So, instead of making myself feel better, and talking myself back up, I let my NMA (negative mental attitude) take over. I did eventually put on fun clothing and headed out to a fairground near downtown to watch the A-Mountain fireworks, but left, because one, I was freaked out by some of the people there, and two, I was embarrassed to be alone.

My roommates asked me to come watch fireworks with them later, near Marana, just on the outskirts of Tucson, so I went ahead. They were beautiful, loud, and hypnotizing. I watched, in awe, and lost myself in thought...
"I miss him...."
It's hard getting out of relationships, and it is especially hard when there are holidays surrounding the time of the breakup.
The brush caught fire, and the fireworks stopped; my roommates and I ran towards the fire (like idiots) to get a closer look...it wasn't horrible, but it was risky for sure; luckily the fire squad had it all under control. The desert is dry, and it is so easy for things like this to happen. Eventually they started the works back up again, and finished with a "bang" (no pun intended). It was pretty spectacular but I couldn't help but feel this emptiness inside of me...something was missing. I ended up coming home after all of that, not wanting to be part of drinking and drugging; wanting to stay sober. Other things about the evening had my NMA screaming at me like there was no tomorrow. For some reason, this night was harder than most for me to get out...maybe because I'm used to having a strong support system standing by when I need them, and this time, I just had myself....I had to self soothe...

I'm trialing Bikram Yoga for 30 days at Tucson's only actual Bikram studio. Some of my yoga buddies and work buddies finally talked me into making that one month commitment. My first day was Wednesday; I happened to like it; there were parts that I disliked, but overall it was a good experience...and you can't beat the after-effect. I'm going again this morning, around 10. It is kind of nice being able to have a really focused atmosphere like this to go into and just practice. I love having my fun classes at the Oasis as well. I feel like between the two, I'm gaining balance and stability, and the ability to transition quickly without falling on my face. In Bikram, it's much more difficult to hold your ground. The poses are all basic standing and floor postures, but the heat makes it extremely crazy hard. The teacher I had on Wednesday, Diane, compared it to the "wave effect", where there are climactic states we all reach, and then calm and composed states. My climactic state felt like "OMG, I'm going to pass out." but I didn't. I pushed through the discomfort and made it out alive. I felt very pleased with myself when it was over. I found it intriguing how the sequence is built for this. It brings you to your peak, and just when you feel like it's going to be over, there's a 'head-below-heart' posture that brings you back into your body a little bit.

The only way to make discomfort go away is to push through it; you can't hop around it, over it, or under it...otherwise, there is no lesson learned...no growth. The idea is to temper the fire within, and to keep the mind calm, steady, and focused... A calm, steady, and focused mind keeps the body from collapsing and freaking out. The body will almost always follow what the mind says. It's mind over matter, no matter what the situation is, no matter how uncomfortable we get. Everything is always changing. We can't choose how people treat us, talk to us, or feel about us; but we can choose how we are going to respond. If it's too hot, am I going to freak out and fan the flames? or am I going to stay composed and walk through my feelings, so that I can better understand myself and ultimately everyone and everything around me when I'm through?

It's all about the journey; everyone's journey is their own. Each person has the choice whether to make the journey suck, or to make it amazing. I want mine to be amazing. I want every experience to be wonderful. I want to keep learning, expanding, exceeding the limits of my own mind. Life is what you make it....

"Don't Shoot the Messenger!"

So much change can happen in such a short amount of time. Some changes seem to come like a thief in the night; for instance, my sudden fight and breakup with my (now ex) boyfriend. Sometimes, the unexpected happens, and we have no control over the situation, so we just have to roll with it, and know that there was a reason for it, even if it feels like the end of the world. For me, it felt like the end of the world. I guess you could say I sort of saw it coming. I started sensing unresponsiveness, tension, separateness, and loneliness. So, even before it actually happened, I was coming home every night crying (or more like sobbing) because I felt alone, misunderstood, my trust was withering away, and my heart was hurting. I felt it, but I didn't want to believe it was coming.
It's easy to be like, "It was all her/him; I didn't deserve this, I didn't do anything; he/she has issues" etc, etc, etc.... but the brutal truth is that people come into our lives to send us a message. My friend quotes a phrase she learned; "Don't shoot the messenger!" I chuckle a bit... I'm grateful to be in a place within myself where self-reflecting tends to be something I fall back on quite often when things go wrong or crazy or bad. If I didn't do this, I don't think I'd ever learn.
Anyway, people come into our lives, push our buttons, and leave. What next? We react. It's ultimately our choice how we respond in the midst of heartbreak or pain of sorts; and even annoyance, aggravation, or anxiety. Not by any means am I already 'over it', but I'm looking deeper... What is it in me which causes me to suffer. What do I still struggle with in myself? What still bothers me about myself? Am I truly being a good friend to myself? Am I Practicing Maitri? (Maitri is the sanskrit word for unconditional friendship with oneself.) Pema Chodron, a Buddist devotee, addresses a crowd, stating:

“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.”

We (or I) have to look at the bigger picture. There's so much more than what is superficial.

Yesterday, I awoke early. I lied in my bed for a good two hours and just stared at the ceiling as I watched the movies of my thoughts drift in and out of my mind's eye. My mind's ears were going crazy with the many things I say to myself...and then out of nowhere, one screams louder, "Get the hell up! What the hell do you think you are doing?" This is my healthy brain trying to get my attention. "Get up. You can do this. You need to get out of this place for a few hours. Just get up!"
I got up, got a shower, and left my little hole that I find so comforting and easy to be when I feel like hiding when things get too crazy for me to handle.

I realized I needed to go get a new lap top because my 5 year old PC bit the dust last week, and it's kind of important for me to have one. Lucky for me, Office Max was having a big sale and I got virus protection and a nice HP for less than 600 bucks. (Credit cards are wonderful when you need them; and you should really only use them if you are responsible, which my parents taught me well on that one... hehe)... The cashier was super helpful and everyone there was so genuinely sweet. I felt my mood shifting into a better space.

I got a new yoga outfit in the mail too; which was another nice surprise. Baby blue bottoms and a cute lime green top... (sorry, tangent!)

And so I had a while more before I needed to get ready for work...I hadn't really eaten, I'd realized, and I was in no way having any desire for solids, so I made my way to Whole foods, a place I rarely visit now, and got a free 24 oz juice with my hole punched card that I finished. Perfect. I walked in and saw my teacher friend, who knew the situation, and I said, "I'll be okay..." as I started choking up, and she says, "Of course you will! Just take some deep breaths". That was helpful and totally a God moment.
I've been having a lot of those lately; God moments...or synchronicities. Things I really need or need to hear at perfect times, and/or people I benefit greatly from seeing right then and there. People who give me the sweet and nurturing messages to remind me to keep calm. Sometimes it's not even people; sometimes it's an animal, a phrase I see on a billboard, a flower, a piece of art, etc. No matter the messenger, I appreciate it greatly. God moments are for real.

Then, I went to work. This lady who does one-to-one from outside of our staff, known as agency, was reeeeaaaally pushing my buttons. At dinner, she made a comment on how big my salad was, and I was like, "we don't do food talk here, especially not around the girls". The woman would not get the hint that her comments were bothersome and so she kept digging her hole deeper by the minute. Then after dinner, we had birthday cake for one of our girls, and the lady was like, "you not eating cake?" and I was like, "no, I--" and she cuts me off and goes, "what, was your salad too big?" Oh for the love of God!...I pulled her outside and had a little discussion with her and let's just say she was quiet for the rest of the time she was there. (No, I didn't punch her, and I wouldn't have, even if I wanted to; and I really wanted to.) But then, "don't shoot the messenger!" came back into my head, and I realized that, oh my goodness, she's mirroring what I tell myself all the time. Even if she was being completely out of line, she still got the message across to me that the universe was using her for. I still need help with my relationship with food, as well as with myself...

So, I didn't shoot the messenger.
I just realized that I need to take some action and get myself the help I deserve and need, before it gets worse. That's how we get stronger; by taking everything, good or bad, that we experience and learning the valuable lessons they bring to our lives. It's a part of our journey...and that song comes into my mind "Drop your worries, cause this is just a journey...gotta keep your head up oooooh, need to let your hair down aaaaay....I know it's hard to remember sometimes...." I love that song...

The ones who annoy us or hurt us the most, are usually the ones with the most valuable lessons...they are great gifts in our lives, and it is up to us to respond accordingly. How will we react? Why did we react that way? What could we do differently next time?
It's all part of the practice, the process, and the progress...

Namaste.

The Practice

Downward facing dog to tree  side plank to vashistasana to wild thing to urdhva dhanurasana to standing. Repeated on the other side. Emotional Meltdown Mayhem. I take child's pose (balasana) as the others start getting into camel (ustrasana) and doing crazy things with that pose. I quietly bow there, head below my heart, as tears begin to well up in my eyes and I find my forehead pressing into a puddle on my sticky mat. I think I was there for ten minutes. I finally got up, wiped it away with my towel, and excused myself from the class for a few minutes. I let it out in the back, not knowing why I just had this emotional release with no attachments; just solely the emotion. I felt sadness, frustration, anxiety, and confusion. I figured some of it must have stemmed from a recent neck issue I've been having, ever since I slept on my neck wrong about 5 days ago. I had gotten a luxuious and amazing massage last minute from sweet Stef, and it definitely helped relieve a lot of the tension I had aquired lately.  By this morning, it felt like the bone was back in its rightful place, and I got through the first yoga class just fine. It wasn't until The Practice that I did a standing backbend, where my neck must not have been well engaged and I felt it pop! right back out. That did not feel good. . . so I continued with the class, remaining silent and focused on that area so that I would do no further damage, and tried to get it back in, but it just wouldn't budge. I think that's where most of the frustration came from. I kept saying to myself in my head, "You're a failure. You're not doing very well. I can't believe you can't get it back in place!" The ego can be so hurtful sometimes, when we let it. I think that once my heart felt what my mind was saying, that was when I needed to let go and release...start over...just be kind to myself. I wasn't being very kind to myself.

I happen to be a very intense person, with a very intense personality. I tend to need a lot of control, because if I feel I don't have control, I can get a little crazy. This doesn't mean I'm a control freak to others all the time, it's more on the lines of my routine. I have a set routine, I need to keep that routine, and if I veer from it, sometimes it's madness. <<We all have our tendencies, it's just that a lot of us aren't fully aware of them, and can get trapped in the day-to-day routine of falling into negative thought patterns, allowing something like spilled milk ruin the day, and believing that the world is out to get us. I used to think that way, honestly and truly. But, now, I more often than not, look to the good, the positive, the progress. I am beginning to understand that I need to trust the process.  The process is what makes us stronger. There's hard times, and not so hard times...sometimes, there's even almost IMPOSSIBLE times. But those are the ones that make us more durable and more centered, and more faithful as we walk through life.

I'm sure that my neck issue was something that just happened to happen, and it's here to teach me a lesson or two; like "patience, slow down, awareness" and so many other things.

I just took a nice hot epsom salt bath with sandalwood oil, I happened to pull up on my neck and pop something back into place, but something is still out, although it's not as bad as it was. Baths are wonderful. They need to happen more often.
I was just talking with a dear friend about the importance of having quality time with ourselves, remembering that it's okay to just "lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling" or "go for a walk" or "take a nice bath with candles" or "meditate".  When we can care for ourselves, we are more able to care for others and will have more passion in helping others. We need just as much TLC from ourselves as our best friend or our boyfriend needs from us. If we forget to care for ourselves, we risk losing ourselves...in relationships, addictions,, jobs, etc.  So the time we take to be alone is important for our own mental and emotional health.

The Practice today was very good; all these bright and luminous souls were there, and I am glad that I felt comfortable enough to just let my emotions take their ride through my heart, out my eyes, and onto my mat. I think it's absolutely okay when emotions come up during asana and can be expressed; even when there's not really a reason in your mind why you would be upset, crying, frustrated, etc... Sometimes, that's actually the best time, when you're with people who genuinely care about you, who support you, who love you. Asana has a way of getting into those dark places, to shed light on them, to cleanse them...it's a beautiful thing when we can learn to just let go, surrender, and trust in what life has to offer. Head Bowed...

Picture This, Not Picture Perfect

My mind wanders. Instead of the (usually) loud voice telling me "You're not good enough. You'll never get that pose. You'll never get those abs" and yada yada yada, The (usually) soft whisper of a voice grows louder and says, "You think you can't, won't, or will never, but you're wrong. You are capable of anything". I, the middle man (or woman I suppose) am left befuddled. ..shocked...in awe that somehow, my autopilot self has switched over to a more "energetically efficient" source of power called Positivity. It's not everyday that this side of my psyche is working, so I'm extremely grateful on days like today when it is. I find that when I focus on the positive, my energy levels are increased, I feel better, I have an all around better day. I'm difficult to knock down on these days, or in these moments. When this isn't my autopilot, I have to work in overdrive to maintain a positive state, the best I can. That's not a bad thing. It's just something that I need to be aware of, and know that I can differenciate between true optimism, and forced optimism. In AA and other 12 step programs, they talk about "fake it till you make it", because the longer you fake something, the more real it actually becomes, and then you become it.

I've been pondering a lot about self image. I just read a book called Yoga, From the Inside Out by Christina Sell. She explains so beautifully exactly how I have felt and the things that I've had to go through and experience in dealing with wanting to sometimes crawl out of my skin from a very early age. I suffer from severe Body Dysmorphia. In my younger years, it lead me into cycles of disordered eating, and even into full blown eating disorders. It wasn't until I reached my Junior year in college that I actually got more control over what had been eating me for so long. Much of that control came with establishing a regular yoga practice, starting with asana, leading into meditation, breathing, and svadhyaya (sanskrit for self study). I began to slowly surrender myself to who I was, and to peel off the layers of anger, hurt, pain, false identity, hopelessness, lack of control, fear, worry, doubt, shame, and many others. I started to realize that I honestly had no idea who I really was. I hit bottom. My heart was breaking. In Christina's book, she writes, "It can sound elegant and beautiful to say 'we must open the heart' , but how does it truly open?  I mean truly open wide enough to allow grace to enter in? It breaks open. And in such a way that nothing can relieve the pain of its opening but God." She quotes her teacher who says "Only when the heart is truly broken open, will we know compassion."
Once my heart had broken open wide enough, that was when I could finally begin to find myself.
I've been so fortunate to study with such beautiful souls; souls just like me, perfectly flawed. It is through the flawed who I learn the most from. No perfect teacher could continue to teach me after a period of time, because they have stopped learning if they have become perfect. I continue to learn from the flawed, because the flawed continue to study.

Back to body image...
The other day in class, and other times before it I heard a dear one mention that "when I'm thinner, less round, more strong, I might be able to do__." It broke my heart. We do not need to look for validation from outside ourselves about whether or not we are good enough. All we need to realize is that we ARE good enough. We are all the same. Our body is the temple of our soul. It doesn't matter what the body looks like. The soul will always be beautiful and bright.
What I am beginning to understand after my own battles and from observing the battles of those near and dear to me, there is no perfect body, no perfect pose, no perfect expression. There is only you,. There is only your own body, your own pose, and your own expression. There is only you. There is where you are...there is what makes you feel good. There is where grace can flow most abundantly. Never let your light be shaded, hidden, or dimmed by others' or your own limitations, ideals, or false perceptions. You are perfect just as you are. Your flaws and shortcomings make you who you are....Beautiful you.

This is also my work...this is why I write about it. I hope I have reached your heart.

Love, Light, and Blessings to you, beautiful you. Namaste.

Here I am. 10.5 hours in to my 12.5 hour overnight shift at work. It's 5:30 a.m. and I continue to do rounds and "head checks" every half hour; which becomes every fifteen minutes at 6 a.m.

It has been quite a different experience for me. Easy and difficult, comfortable and uncomfortable all simultaneously. Once I finished up the odds and ends of paperwork and other nightly duties, I painted my nails, ate a snack, read some good reading from Christina Sell's "Yoga from the Inside Out", and then I put in a movie on the computer. The movie is called "Peaceful Warrior". It's about a college gymnast who seeks out help for becoming all he can be, not realizing that the help he asked for was going to change his view on life forever. The whole movie was about (get ready for it!) being in the moment. *gasp*! For real. Somehow, I manage to pick out these types of movies that have deep underlying messages for me. Anyway, if you want to know how he does at the Olympic trials, I suggest you watch the movie....or I actually just suggest you watch the movie, just because it happens to be a really good one. Just putting that out there.

The message I received from this movie, was that, whatever you ask the universe or God, or your higher power for, you will receive. It's definitely wise to think about how you might word what you ask for, because honestly, what you think is what you get. It doesn't matter what you might think you are asking for. Example: "I want icecream" is the same as "I don't want icecream". Why? you ask...well, when either statement comes out of a person's mouth, what visual are they making in their mind? Right! ICECREAM! (maybe that was a horrible example, because I'm lactose intolerant, but you get what I am saying, right?)

Moving along...

I watched the sun rise. I see rabbits eating the grass; there are actually a ton of them; they are like rabbits; everywhere. :)'

I felt like a peaceful warrior, just trying to make it through the night; and here I am...I made it through the night. The sun has risen, and the day is new. Whether I slept last night or not, the day is new. I start over, yet again. It's all about being in the present moment, not fearing the future, being anxious over the past, or feeling helpless because I can't control certain aspects of my life...or can I? What if just by me saying "I can't control", I am subliminally limiting myself as a human being. So maybe the best thing for anyone and everyone is to never say never, to stop saying "I can", and to pursue life in the most positive manner possible.

I hope I am making some sense here...

This is all I'm going to write for now; now, it's back to the rounds, and my last couple of hours of work.

I deeply value my job. I'm so grateful and so fortunate; no matter how emotionally exhausting it can be sometimes, every bit of it is worth every ounce of my energy that goes in to it. It's love that keeps me pushing forward and holding steady. Love and a peaceful, focused mind. :)

Blessings.

Grandmother Willow

Grandmother Willow: Now then, there's something I want to show you. Look. [dips her vine in the water in which glowing ripples begin to form] Pocahontas: The ripples. John Smith: What about them? Grandmother Willow: So small at first, then look how they grow. But someone has to start them. John Smith: They're not gonna listen to us. Grandmother Willow: Young man, sometimes the right path is not the easiest one. Don't you see? Only when the fighting stops, can you be together. 

~ Scene from Disney's Pocahontas

I recently had some time to myself,  and found Pocahontas on Netflix. I watched it all the way through.... It's probably been about 10 years  since I had last seen the movie, so my viewpoint on the story was so much different this time, in comparison to how I thought about it when I was a child. I was stunned at how many references were made to the belief of oneness, and how God is everywhere. By saying God, it can be whatever you believe God to be; whether that's the Universe, the breath in your body, Christ, Shiva/Shakti, etc...or it can be all of it, and all of everything, like I believe.
I went with my boyfriend to visit his grandmother yesterday before I ventured off to yoga (which I will talk about in a moment). The woman was adorable; old, and not all there, but very wise; I could tell. She's lived a good 80 plus years, so she's seen the world change tremendously. She's been through more than anyone my age could ever imagine. She's got wisdom written all over her. She said a few things that reminded me of the impermanence of our physicalities, and the permanence of spirit. What a treat to hear stories from her younger years, and even one about my boyfriend (Mathieu) when he was a small child. Mathieu was playing with some boys in the neighborhood, and they were giving him a hard time saying,
"God isn't real. I can't see him, so he doesn't exist".  Mathieu runs to his grandmother and tells her what they said, and she looked up and prayed for something she could say, and then it came to her to say to Mathieu,
"Mathieu, look, you see the wind, how it moves the trees? You can't see it, but you can see how it moves things. You can feel it caress your skin and blow through your hair. That's how God is. You can't see God, but God is real". Mathieu runs back to the boys and screams,
"GOD IS THE WIND!"
It was such a precious story, touching to my heart. True to my core. I thought about the story of Pocahontas and the conversation between Grandmother Willow and John Smith about the ripple effect. That too is like the wind. There is a creative force behind everything, whether it is something we see as positive or negative. The primary force will always lead to amplification of that force, unless something from the outside intercepts and stops it, or creates a new ripple.

I think of how in our world we suffer from tremendous amounts of anxiety, depression, and codependency, and how we create drama based off of melodramas that we have created in our own heads, which also lead to obsessions, anxieties, fears, and so on...
I feel like nature is where our heart is; where we can reestablish that sense of connectedness, peace, belonging...and rid ourselves of the negative influences, thoughts, and patterns we allow ourselves to put up with on a daily basis.

Kind of switching the topic now...

After visiting Mathieu's grandmother, he went to tennis, and I went to yoga. I had planned to go to Travis Arnold's expanding class, since now I can, and it's great! Something came up though, and he wasn't able to make it in time. We joked around with Stephani Lindsey who happened to be subbing for Darren Rhode's Basics class at the same time, and said, "why don't you just teach us at the same time; run back and forth, or something". We all giggled and made light of the whole situation, secretly hoping we'd actually do something like that, and before we knew it, we actually merged into the big room, split the classroom down the middle, and Stephani taught Basics and Expanding simultaneously (who does that???) ...not even that, but the sequences were entirely different...nothing alike at all...it was very impressive and such a cool experience. I'm so glad I was there! Lucky for sure.
I got to thinking, I am so fortunate. I could have landed my butt in any yoga studio in town and made it my home, and I'm sure anywhere would have had something great to offer in my life...but to be at Yoga Oasis, to know the people I know, to practice with the people I practice with, and to learn from (I seriously believe) some of the most amazing yoga instructors around, people who have studied with Christina Sell, Darren Rhodes (the owner of YO), John Friend, Noah Maze, Manorama, Ulla Lundgren, and so many more...it's like heaven. For me to have even been able to study with Christina, Darren, and even John myself is something I am deeply grateful for, and still absolutely amazed that I have had such opportunities come along my path. What a GIFT I feel my life is; how far I feel like I have come since even last year around this time.

Next planned thing for me is the end of November, Costa Rica for one swwwwweeeeet week with Dear Stephani Lindsey and Christine Lee, my two badass yoga buddies, Stephani foremost my teacher for the past year and almost a half (I think). Time flies when you're having fun! (or getting injured, having days of panic, emotional roller coasters, and so on. haha). It is all part of the process. We should not rush the process, but rather trust the process. Time brings everything. Patience is the key to it all...patience and acceptance....and gratitude :)

To wrap it all up, I want to mention this concept of "space" that has recently been flooding my ears, thoughts, mind, dreams, day to day life, and things in my sight. I kept seeing "Breathe Space" or "Breathe and Be Still" or just "Space". I remember...something I learned a while back, was that in that "space" is where our creative energy lies...and in that "space" we can create anything we want. It's our choice... "What you think is what you get" quoting a teacher quoting a teacher. And after we create something in that space, which starts as a thought, will ripple out into the universe, and become attracted into your life, and maybe into the lives of people around you. You just never know. The universe, in my world, doesn't distinguish good and bad...everything just is...it is what it is. It is what we make of it. It's perfect...

All in all, there is space, in that space we plant a thought, the thought creates a ripple, the ripple spreads and impacts it's surroundings, and everything has to be started by one creative force. That force is you.

That's all for now.

I'm on a Beach

The weather is really nice today...I'm sitting outside on my apartment "balcony" in this pink round chair that I've had since God knows when...but I absolutely love it. It takes me way back. The breeze is cool and gentle...it's nice, compared to the unsettling, uprooting winds that have dominated the atmosphere for these past few days. Yesterday was the hardest for me, because my assignment at work was to work in the milieu (out on the grounds; security/supervision) for 6 hours. The walking was sure nice though, and visiting with and getting to know the people there, but my allergies started to really get the best of me. It passed; as all things do.
Today was the first Sunday in two months that I have had off. It was quite a treat. I slept in, then ventured out and went to yoga (of course. I am so predictable). I went to an 11:30 yoga hour, and then to the 1:30 practice right after having a nice iced Lemon Souffle herbal tea from the nearby cafe. Both classes were awesome, even though I am a bit sore in my calves and shins from a jog I went on yesterday morning. We did a lot of standing poses and arm balances; I think the crowd was feeling it, even before we began, because that's how we were all warming up. I think it's pretty awesome when things are all synced up like that.  There are some days during The Practice, where we just can't contain our inner giggles and explode it all into the room while we run through the sequence. I think it's hilarious when that happens, and it makes my day so much brighter. I believe laughter is good medicine. I think it's amazing that even if we're going through a challenging time, we can still find a bright place in our hearts, and go there for some nurturing and regenerating...or even to just 'escape' the dramas, melodramas, emotional baggage, or other circumstances of this life. I am so grateful for today; for every bit of it.
The clouds were rolling in, as if we were to expect some rain, but it was a teaser (darn!). And as I'm sitting in this chair, I can see the sun setting behind the mountains, making pretty colors in the sky and in the clouds which remain.
My thoughts drift...I daydream, or I play movies (melodramas) inside my head. Sometimes they get pretty distracting and my focus gets thrown off...but I'm working on that; working on coming back into the present moment, where there is peace and pleasure in the simplest things; the breath, the breeze, the trees, the sunset...the random outbursts of laughter in the company of friends. It all reminds me of the beauty of this life. Rather than allowing myself to be distracted by things that bring me anxiety or emotional disturbances and upsets, I know that I can come back to the sweet 'little things' in life, and be re-centered...renewed...rejuvenated.

A few people asked me today if something was wrong, and my response was, "I don't know yet", because I really don't know. So many things are processing through my heart and mind at this current time in my life. I'm graduating in 6 days, I have a new love interest, I'm transitioning into the 'real world', I have new goals, dreams, desires, wants, and needs, and I'm still trying to accomplish and reach all the ones I have set previously. It's a work in progress, and I guess it will always be a work in progress...until we die. ha...but that's okay.
Regardless of how I feel at any given moment, I can say that I am truly enjoying my experience here in this life that I am living. Everything is a lesson, and it is all a part of the journey. The challenge is to stay on course, to not let the wind knock me over, and to keep my eyes on the road ahead, and never look back.
It's getting dark now...it's kind of weird that it's 7:20pm and it's still a little bit light outside. I think it's funny how easily I forget how late the sun stays up in the summer, and how early it sets in the winter. It's one thing that reminds me of my child-likeness. I'm grateful for that.
heh...my roommate from China just came home, saw me, and said, "You on a beach!" I smiled, giggled, and said, "yeah, something like that." It's the little things...

That's all I have for tonight. Peace, love, and light to you. I hope my blogs help someone in some way; it helps me to sit here and pour myself out to the world regardless. Thank you to those of you who read; feel free to comment here or to write me at astrogee0428@gmail.com or hit me up on facebook at  www.facebook.com/agee91

05/06/2013
***Update! We did in fact get some rain. A nice, amount too. The smell this morning is phenomenal. I got to experience some of the light pitter patter as I went back out to sit in my pink round chair, curled up into a ball, listened to light music in the background, breathed in the desert rain aroma, and felt the coolness of the night caress my body to sleep.***

TRIGGER!!!

and so we hit a big brick wall; the kind that stops you dead in your tracks and waves a big red flag in your face...TRIGGER! Trigger, trigger, trigger....we all have those. What certain situations, words, people, places, etc. drive us to fall back into an unhealthy behavior.

The dialogue starts to chit chat in between my ears

"You're so picky. You always have to have it your way. Why do you have to be so sensitive? Why can't you just eat like everyone else?"....and yada yada yada....

My graduation is soon...next saturday, May 11...and my family wants to have me for the whole day. I can handle that...they want to have a celebratory lunch, but I never recall being asked, "Ashley, what would you like for lunch?" it's just "We're having burgers and hot dogs and turkey dogs; and we can grill a fish for you if you want that instead" And I freeze...like, "haven't I said a million times that I'm a vegetarian? That I don't eat dairy or gluten or high sugar high fat foods because they upset my whole system, turn my mood sour, and make me feel disgusting?" I replied actually saying, "I will just have the fish...I don't do meat or dairy ever" and then two minutes later, "What would you like for dessert? Cake, frozen yogurt?" me, thinking "Didn't I just say...." and here I go, right for the fridge, failing at what I had attempted not to do. Eating because my emotions were hungry. Because I felt empty, unheard, unimportant, not opinionated...even for something like my graduation/birthday celebration... Never being able to choose, always having to make the sacrifices for everyone else....all these thoughts run through my head, and finally I stop, half way through a chocolate hippie vegan coconut ice cream from Trader Joe's..."TRIGGER! Dammit...." but I stopped. I stopped in the midst of a brief moment of chaos in my head...I assessed the situation....I stopped. That's what matters. Like I mentioned in the blog I just posted before this...."it's the picking up of the self that matters the most"...An outer circumstance is an outer circumstance. We can't always choose how people are, what people do, or how they think...but what we can choose is how we respond...we can be strong in the gusty winds that attempt to knock us off our feet. It's also part of the lesson.

"Don't take anything personally".....they aren't doing it to hurt me...they just don't realize that what they do hurts me....or what they don't do might suffice as a better phrase...

I'm finished now.... Told you I'm human...

Endure and Carry On

I've finally finished writing blogs that were also written for a Technical Writing class that I have endured this semester, although, I'll probably continue writing stuff like that in the future. It's sort of been inspirational to me...In a way, it has unlocked some 'stuff' inside my head that can assist me in opening my heart even more as a write. It was a challenge, but I've learned much from it...so I am grateful.

And now, to the blog...

There's something special about this time of year; all of the beautiful blossoms are beginning to appear and flourish  atop all of the prickly cacti in this dry and hot climate of Tucson. The flowers are so beautiful, that I can forget about the heat for a moment as I'm walking, and just gaze in awe at the beauty that surrounds me. I take a sniff of the flowers, and maybe a photo, and I carry on walking wherever I'm walking to.
Not only are the flowers blooming and the temperatures rising, but this time of year also marks transition--transition into the new from the old...expansion (maybe some contraction) of the self. Challenges arise as we make our way into the future; especially the challenge of staying present and not worrying about what lies ahead...knowing that everything will fall into perfect placement, no matter what.

My teacher, but who I'll also call my friend, I've seen enduring the hard times with so much strength, so much passion, so much focus, will, and determination...so much dignity. It is so  inspiring...so moving...so full of meaning. I sit back and think of how, over time, the way in which I respond to life's many circumstances has so dramatically changed. I would isolate, grow depressed, eat (or not eat, depending on the circumstances), and drown myself in unhealthy behaviors. I would cycle through the same old patterns again and again, and then one day, it became clear to me that those behaviors weren't me. The real me was in there, somewhere, but the addiction to my own suffering kept me from getting to her. Every day, I have to make a conscious decision to be bright and positive. I have to choose every day (and even several times a day) to turn my back on unhealthy behaviors, thoughts, attitudes, and so on. It's a constant battle, a forever practice, because, hey...I'm human....thus, I'm not the image of perfection, and I do slip time and time again, but it's the 'picking of the self back up again' that matters most. The fall is just a fall, another chance for a lesson...another chance for growth.

I read a quote today, it comes from Alan Watts: “The transformation of consciousness undertaken in Taoism and Zen is more like the correction of faulty perception or the curing of a disease. It is not an acquisitive process of learning more and more facts or greater and greater skills, but rather than unlearning of wrong habits and opinions. As Lao-tzu said, ‘The scholar gains every day, but the Taoist loses every day."

We, as humans...me, as Ashley, live this life, unlearning all the negative things that we've learned over time; whether we learned them from our friends, family, society, or so on...and to learn again, as a child, how to love.

In Yoga class today, Stephani Lindsey quoted Manorama, "“Your life is for figuring out your life.” ... and she added on, "No one is going to do it for us." It's unseemingly true. We all have our own karma, we have our problems, our triumphs, and our failures...but the key is to keep on getting back up, every time we fall, and continue on the path stronger than we ever were before.

I took this photo outside of Yoga Oasis Central today. I was absolutely in awe of these flowers, because from far away, it looks like one flower, but then when you get up close, you realize that the one big flower was made up of a bunch of little flowers.... All of the pieces come together to make a whole. We humans are just like that, aren't we... We all work together, with our own little purposes, for one greater purpose...all of what we do may be small, but I think that  it means a whole lot to the bigger picture.

"What is to give light must endure burning."

Viktor E. Frankl