Freedom from Myself

Yoga gets me back into my body. Currently, in my experience with Bikram, I am forced to face myself in the mirror, every day, for 90 minutes at a time. It's amazing how afraid I am to look into my own eyes. Some days, it's worse than others. I notice my tendencies. The teacher says, "Look into your own eyes, the eyes of you own best teacher, your own best friend." I look, and I don't think, but I feel...unworthiness, guilt, fear... My gaze into my eyes slips away and I look at the floor.I feel shameful, and sorry for the pain I have caused myself.  Looking at myself in the mirror is like looking at another human being. I would never harm another human being, physically of emotionally, but why would I harm myself in those ways? I feel guilty. I criticize my body, where I feel it is imperfect and "could use some work". I criticize my mind and emotions, "why can't I be just like everyone else?"...well, truth is, I already am like everybody else. We just don't talk about it with each other. We are so afraid of being seen as "crazy" or "unstable" when in reality, we all struggle the same. We are all trapped within our own skin, our own minds...not knowing who we can trust, because we can't even trust ourselves. When I looked in the Bikram mirror yesterday, I realized something. I don't trust myself. I am embarrassed of myself...which is why I cannot look deeply into my very own eyes for more than two seconds, or into the eyes of a best friend, teacher, or confidante, without feeling shame, guilt, pain, or fear...no matter how much I love them. But I cannot look into another's eyes and feel fully content and comfortable until I can look into my own eyes and feel that way first. It's the mirror of life, reflecting my answers back to me...this is why....this is why... I'm ashamed of myself, which is why I hide.
I notice my gaze drifting, and I bring it back to my eyes. I hear my inner voice say, "look at yourself. That is you...honor yourself, your body, your mind. Do not be afraid." I hear my other inner voice tell me all the bad things about my body, and myself...but I try my best to ignore it and focus on the practice. The heat pulls me in. Sweat drips from every bare place on my body; down my forehead, off my chin, from my elbows, knees, fingers, and toes...
Sometimes I practice next to my teacher, peer, and friend, who motivates me more than she knows. I even fear looking into the eyes of these dear ones in my life; the people who inspire me the most...the people who are my greatest teachers. I close off and become scared, especially when I am wearing next to nothing; thinking that I'm going to be judged; but I'm only judging myself.
The most difficult part of the Bikram practice is the ladies room; it's no longer the heat, the sweat, or the postures...The ladies room is filled with women who are unafraid to bare their skin around other women, all while making small talk and eye contact...I cannot yet do this; because I have not yet found the confidence in myself to do so. I am shy with my body, and fearful to bare it all...I even feel uncomfortable speaking to and making eye contact with the naked women...It has nothing to do with them; only me and my embarrassment of my body. The human body is a beautiful vessel for the soul, but my insecurities are strong. I get nervous, scared, and anxious. I wait for the room to empty before I undress...I shower long, hoping that maybe everyone will be gone by the time I'm done; but there is always someone there. There's always someone there....as in life; there's always someone who wants to understand and see you for who you are; there's always someone who doesn't care about your flaws, but who will love you for who you are...There will always be someone who wants to help you become comfortable, who will want to help you see that you are beautiful and perfect in every way. But it is the most difficult to bare all; spiritually, emotionally, physically...to those closest to us. It's the fear of rejection, because we (maybe unknowigly) are rejecting ourselves.
It is difficult, but I know that I can get through this. Facing myself in the mirror every day, and getting to know who I truly am, and how I honestly feel, is the best thing I could possibly be doing for myself right now. It is another big step in my personal and spiritual development; my own growth, expansion, and understanding of myself...of life...of everyone and everything. We can all change the world by first changing ourselves...Once I can be free, you can be free...we can all be free...

Taking the Heat

I sit at the foot of my bed, next to my window, thinking, contemplating, planning, observing... The sky is clouded with remnants of the firework smoke from last night. The 4th of July...probably one of the most dangerous holidays, but typically a fun one. My day was simple; I worked from the morning into mid-afternoon, found myself exhausted and took a nap, woke up about 2 hours later and thought, "What should I do?" I have the tendency to think that "no one wants to spend time with me." So, instead of making myself feel better, and talking myself back up, I let my NMA (negative mental attitude) take over. I did eventually put on fun clothing and headed out to a fairground near downtown to watch the A-Mountain fireworks, but left, because one, I was freaked out by some of the people there, and two, I was embarrassed to be alone.

My roommates asked me to come watch fireworks with them later, near Marana, just on the outskirts of Tucson, so I went ahead. They were beautiful, loud, and hypnotizing. I watched, in awe, and lost myself in thought...
"I miss him...."
It's hard getting out of relationships, and it is especially hard when there are holidays surrounding the time of the breakup.
The brush caught fire, and the fireworks stopped; my roommates and I ran towards the fire (like idiots) to get a closer look...it wasn't horrible, but it was risky for sure; luckily the fire squad had it all under control. The desert is dry, and it is so easy for things like this to happen. Eventually they started the works back up again, and finished with a "bang" (no pun intended). It was pretty spectacular but I couldn't help but feel this emptiness inside of me...something was missing. I ended up coming home after all of that, not wanting to be part of drinking and drugging; wanting to stay sober. Other things about the evening had my NMA screaming at me like there was no tomorrow. For some reason, this night was harder than most for me to get out...maybe because I'm used to having a strong support system standing by when I need them, and this time, I just had myself....I had to self soothe...

I'm trialing Bikram Yoga for 30 days at Tucson's only actual Bikram studio. Some of my yoga buddies and work buddies finally talked me into making that one month commitment. My first day was Wednesday; I happened to like it; there were parts that I disliked, but overall it was a good experience...and you can't beat the after-effect. I'm going again this morning, around 10. It is kind of nice being able to have a really focused atmosphere like this to go into and just practice. I love having my fun classes at the Oasis as well. I feel like between the two, I'm gaining balance and stability, and the ability to transition quickly without falling on my face. In Bikram, it's much more difficult to hold your ground. The poses are all basic standing and floor postures, but the heat makes it extremely crazy hard. The teacher I had on Wednesday, Diane, compared it to the "wave effect", where there are climactic states we all reach, and then calm and composed states. My climactic state felt like "OMG, I'm going to pass out." but I didn't. I pushed through the discomfort and made it out alive. I felt very pleased with myself when it was over. I found it intriguing how the sequence is built for this. It brings you to your peak, and just when you feel like it's going to be over, there's a 'head-below-heart' posture that brings you back into your body a little bit.

The only way to make discomfort go away is to push through it; you can't hop around it, over it, or under it...otherwise, there is no lesson learned...no growth. The idea is to temper the fire within, and to keep the mind calm, steady, and focused... A calm, steady, and focused mind keeps the body from collapsing and freaking out. The body will almost always follow what the mind says. It's mind over matter, no matter what the situation is, no matter how uncomfortable we get. Everything is always changing. We can't choose how people treat us, talk to us, or feel about us; but we can choose how we are going to respond. If it's too hot, am I going to freak out and fan the flames? or am I going to stay composed and walk through my feelings, so that I can better understand myself and ultimately everyone and everything around me when I'm through?

It's all about the journey; everyone's journey is their own. Each person has the choice whether to make the journey suck, or to make it amazing. I want mine to be amazing. I want every experience to be wonderful. I want to keep learning, expanding, exceeding the limits of my own mind. Life is what you make it....