Meditation

I remember when I first learned about meditation. I was in a 7th grade class, and the teacher had us all close our eyes and find imagery. I remember thinking "this is weird", of course, because when you're 13, anything like that is odd. Now that I look back on it, I can tell that it planted a seed for 'future me'.

Over the past few years, I have been very irregular about my meditation practice. I would have random spurts of a week or two, and then I would stop for a month or two, and so on. I remember venting about some insignificant things to one of my friends, and she then asked me, "have you been meditating?" I smiled awkwardly, and said, "sortaaaa".

Do you get that?

Yes...that was me for a long time. Angry, frustrated, control freak, anxious, etc. Lots can go on in my delicate yet vast mind; just like everyone else. 

It wasn't until my teacher training began, that I actually starting making more efforts to developing a meditation practice. I took away tools that could help me through my day, even if I couldn't literally just sit for 5 minutes. I quickly learned that mantra (not necessarily chanting Hindu or Buddhist chants - but can be) are very helpful in stilling the mind--for instance, I have the tendency to be in a mental state of lack, therefor the mantra I found to be most helpful was "I am abundant" on the inhale, and "I am at peace" on the exhale. After repeating that to myself for at least a couple of minutes, I feel much more at ease and relaxed. I feel a whole lot more open to the universe as well.

I found that I can take mantra with me anywhere. I don't have to say it out loud, but I can if I want to...so it's very accessible. I've found myself in touchy situations, and have had to go to the restroom and say, "I am calm. Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti" :) When I do that, I tend to handle myself and other people much more gracefully. 

Along with mantra, I have been able to take breathing (Pranayama) everywhere. Simple techniques like Ujayii and Nadhi Shodhana can be done anywhere--I often do it in my car, although be careful with the NS one, as people might think you are picking your nose XD haha...

Moving along, I became more aware of how I was spending my time; how much have I been wasting, and how much has been used wisely? I realized that a lot of time, I waste worrying, and/or being focused on things that really are not important. I began to prioritize. I really longed to have a seated practice, because I feel it is important for me to have and maintain; therefore, I began to make some changes...

What has helped me, is that I will set my alarm 10-15 minutes early, and will sit in my meditation room, and have a 5-15 min seated practice (Pranayama, Mantra, and Meditation). If it so happens I slept poorly or not enough, and I have to hit snooze, I hit snooze...but that means I will have less time to get ready. With that, I make sure I leave the house 5 minutes earlier than usual. I do breath control and recite my mantra in my car (maybe I will even throw in a little tune to it). I will (hopefully) make it to work early, and thus will turn off my car, set my timer, and close my eyes to meditate for 5 minutes - to just sit in silence and feel myself be just as I am, there in that moment. 

No matter where I go, I can take these tools with me...some days may be more hectic than others, but there is always time. Even if we have to sacrifice morning jams on our way to work in order to breathe and recite mantra, then so be it...as long as I am practicing, I feel my best. I feel in control of myself. I feel more connected with others around me. I feel freer, lighter, and stronger.

I used to loathe seated practice; but now I crave it...that must be a good thing.

Namaste.

Like Stars

I can't really explain how I am feeling, other than that I am feeling change sweep over me like a whirlwind.
As I walk my path in life, I learn through countless interactions, situations, and trials. One of my greatest flaws is my social anxiety. As I grow older, my anxiety seems to increase, as I learn day by day, that not all people are trustworthy...not even the people I love the most... either that is truth, or it is my anxiety speaking believable lies into my head.
My heart is heavy, because I feel as though I am a genuine human being, living in a superficial world. I know I am not the only genuine being on this planet, but it is difficult to find people like us, because we are so few and far between. We are like ships sailing in the night...or like the stars so distant in the sky, that you barely notice them.
I feel as though at times my ship is sinking. At times, my sails have trouble guiding me. Sometimes I have to repair damages that cut so deep in the worst places...but I move along somehow...not sinking.

Sometimes, I don't know how I do it. I know I am placed on Earth for a reason. I know that I have work to do here...and that is the only reason I am still around. If it were not for that knowing, I would not be here... the world can be so cruel...then again, it can be so loving and kind. I suppose its what you turn your attention to.

I have learned in my life, that even when focusing on the good, bad things will still happen. It's not always in my control what things come into my life. Sometimes, it's just the random play of the universe; or the way I am to receive my life teachings. Some days I feel so inspired, and others I feel completely drained. Some days my heart is full and willing...and other days, empty and reluctant.
I know that whatever happens...whatever I am feeling, will pass.

I have learned that in order to grow in this life, I must sit with my feelings. I must learn a valuable lesson from the ones that come raging in like an atomic bomb in my heart. My spirit gains the most value from those particular feelings and experiences...no matter how good or bad they are. Everything in a person's life is there to be contemplated upon...not ignored or pushed aside for another time...but they are there to be learned in those very moments that they come.

Time is nothing. Time is something only human beings understand, because we have the ability to think and to create. I create my moments. And by that, I mean that I choose the way I see things. If I see them the way that they are, rather than attaching a story line or melodrama to them, my life becomes a lot easier. It's not always going to be easy. I know this from experience. Sometimes the things you love the most are the things you have to let go of, no matter how much it hurts.

I am sensitive. I have a lot of personal issues...but who out there does not? Even the Dali Lama has his problems...but he sees them in light, and he uses them to teach him and others the way of truth and love. I see this in so many great public figures; Christ, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Siddhartha, and so on...

I have learned that I just have to continue to remind myself to trust the process...my process...and believe, even when I feel like I can't... it's the only way to survive in the world, and to endure suffering in a healthier way.

My heart goes out to all who suffer...to everyone. May you, too, have the courage and the strength to endure with complete faith that all is there with purpose. May you walk your path steadily...May all beings be at peace. We are all stars scattered across a vast and ever growing universe....may we all continue to expand with her.

Namaste.