We are all Butterflies; and the Earth is our Chrysalis

I just recently attended a workshop called Emerge from your Chrysalis State; taught by the lovely Stephani Lindsey, in the beautiful Flagstaff, AZ. I always learn a lot of things from her, as she has been my main teacher since March, 2012, but this time, the main things I learned were not as much physical as they were spiritual. (Although I received a lot of refinement in my alignment, and gained new physical insights throughout the weekend that are sure to deepen and expand my practice). I dug deep within myself to really search for what was not yet found...to find the pieces of me that I have still been missing and needed to recover in order to move forward in my life as well as in my practice.

Patience is my mantra these days. I'm a serious yoga student, with a serious passion for practice and a serious dream to teach, travel teach and do workshops all over the place. It's a burning desire that I've had since I was in high school. I remember the first time I ever tried yoga, I was in my Sophomore PE class in High School. We had yoga once a week for one quarter. I loved it. That's where I learned to do my very first head stand ( Sirsa 2). Ever since this time, it's been a desire that lived in the back of my mind, and would occasionally be sparked by some experience. I remember going through a hard time in high school; depression, anxiety, eating disorders, cutting, and feeling worthless all the time. I remember my doctor prescribing me yoga once. My mom bought me a couple of yoga DVDs and I would do them occasionally...they always seemed to help.  In college, I was reintroduced to yoga when my dear friend Elizabeth Brewer, who was my dorm-mate got me to go to the classes that she taught at places like LA Fitness and the Student Rec Center at the University. I remember at those times, yoga was very hard. Warrior poses were my least favorite, and backbends were things I thought my spine just couldn't do. I left yoga again for a couple of years. When I came back to it, I came back with a lot of baggage...and a lot of wounds, searching for healing and for myself...the self that I had lost throughout the years of trying to impress others, especially my family, as well as the years I lost with my friends and family when I had joined a church that I thought was the best thing for me, but in the end drained me of who I really was. In order to get myself back, I had so much work ahead of me, that it seemed nearly impossible...I found Yoga Oasis in 2012. I wasn't sure what to expect, I was nervous...even a little terrified...but as soon as I walked in, the teacher (who happened to be Stephani) was there to greet me with her kind, warm presence; eyes obviously filled with compassion. I was not nervous anymore. From that moment on, I guess you could say I found my addiction to yoga, and I haven't stopped for more than 2 days ever since.

From the beginning, I feel as if I've been going through the process of metamorphosis. I've always been fascinated by the butterfly, because it goes through a huge series of changes in its one life. It goes from being a caterpillar, crawling on the surface of the earth, to blossoming into a beautiful butterfly, who flies over the earth with such grace and poise, and beauty...it's hard not to be fascinated by such a creature... but I've found, that humans are a lot like butterflies, and the Earth is our chrysalis. We undergo our own radical changes in this one life, in order to become something more beautiful and graceful in the end. My own life feels this way. I went from being in the womb, where I was once connected completely with God, to being born and being taught separateness, to feeling the pain of separateness in my adolescence and early adulthood, to realizing that maybe I'm not separate at all in my 20's. Now 22, I am feeling more connected with everything...less separate...less pain...more peace, because I know, deep down that we are all connected, and this comforts me greatly.

Patience has gotten me here, and patience will take me to where I need to be...I feel like I have broken out of my cocoon, but I still feel like I haven't yet become entirely freed. I'm still sort of...hanging on...because I'm waiting until the time is right...I am waiting until I feel ready...and when I am ready; when the time is right, I'll just know it, and I'll finally be able to fly.

Right now, I know that I am exactly where I need to be. Before, I wanted to just rush into things: relationships, teacher trainings, etc. But the truth is that I have needed to experience the process of metamorphosis first. I needed to learn the teachings, to learn from myself, to learn to love myself...to see everything as a whole...

Today, I feel the most ready to teach yoga than I ever have, but something inside of myself still tells me, "wait, just a little while longer". So I am waiting... I'm not yet there, but I am getting there. I don't know how long it will take, but all I know is that it will take long enough.

Namaste

This is an image I took in Costa Rica, in 2009
Glass Wing Butterfly

Me, trying to Unblock my Writers' Block

I remember coming to my little writing space, opening up my lap top to a blank page, thinking, "I'm going to write today." only...to find myself getting distracted and losing track of time, completely forgetting what I had originally intended to do. So, I left the apartment, went to yoga, then went to work, and came home at eleven something at night, to find my computer screen sitting there, still on the blank page that I had intended to write on. By then, I was like "fuck it." pardon my language. "I'm tired." And I went to sleep. Here I am now, throwing up my thoughts onto this page in no particular order, because I just feel like writing, and nothing is going to stop me now. :D

I've been having a lot of major insights lately; lots of synchronicities and interesting experiences which brought me those insights. I feel pretty fortunate to have the life that I have, to be living and breathing, to be easily entertained by mother nature and its bipolar way of being. I feel so fortunate and so blessed to be surrounded by the people I know; to get the chance to see and interact with many of them on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. I'm grateful for the connections I am able to have with others, because it helps me to feel that sense of oneness that many of us so often crave and desire.

I've been going at it pretty hard for the past few months; practicing yoga daily; not only the asana, but also the yoga of the mind. I've been working hard, long hours, not only at my job, but in general. I've been working on myself full time. I've been finding hidden treasures beneath the surface of myself, as well as dust and mold and grime that I've been working to clear out. A lot of my insights revolve around self love, self care, self worth, self confidence, and self respect...but these insights pour into the love, care, worth, cofidence, and respect that I have developed for others. Life is always a two way street. What you give, you get back the same in return. One of my co-worker friends was playing with a water toy in the office, and was squirting people, and pulled the trigger, only to find the water coming out of the toy backwards, soaking her more than anyone else. She goes "dang! That's some quick karma!" For sure...That's how I see life. Sometimes karma comes back at us as quickly as the action we made; but other times, it can wait months, or even years to come back at us. The thing to remember is that everything that happens to us, happens for a reason. We are here on this earth to learn and to grow. We are here to become better, to help each other...to love.

I often forget the importance of rest, and I'll drive myself into a wall before I realize I'm in overkill. It's my tendency that I'm working on changing. Today I rested before work, whereas I would normally kick it at a yoga studio somewhere and sweat my buns off. Of course, to me, it's not JUST about the sweat or the workout or the toning and trimming. Those are just extra benefits to my practice. The reason it's so hard for me to take a break, I think lies in the matter that my practice is my spiritual food. I feel nourished after a session. I feel renewed and refreshed in my mind and spirit, and sometimes even my body feels more energized; other times my body feels tired...and that is when I realize I need to rest for at least a day or two...so I do...now.

I am going out of town to Flagstaff for a yoga workshop with Miss Stephani Lindsey, and I am extremely grateful that I'm able to attend and pay for it. I'm also grateful that a few of my friends are going to be there as well. I have a feeling that this weekend is just what I need...Emerge from your Chrysalis State...that is the title of this workshop.
"A self made sanctuary... A place for change and growth...a chrysalis is created in anticipation of both." ~ K. D'AngeloIn a sense, this life we live is lived in a chrysalis state- from which we learn and grow and change over time, emerging into something more beautiful, just as the butterfly emerges from its cocoon and flies gracefully through the wind, sipping on the nectar of life from the flowers it encounters, just as we take each lesson in life as a gift...as if each lesson were a wild flower, filled with the nectar which feeds our spirit so that we can learn, grow, and experience the beauty that all of life truly is.

I feel like life breaks you to make you stronger. I feel like my life does anyway. It's typically in my most vulnerable and emotional times that I experience the most out of my life. I experience humility, support, cleansing, and starting over....and starting over is always going to be an option, no matter where you are in life. I truly believe that.

I think this is enough dialogue for the night. Goodnight all. Love.