We are made to feel our feelings...fully and completely, without blocking, knocking, or banishing them away.
Pema Chodron says, "Lean into the sharp places". I've been reading a lot of her wisdom these days, which really resonates with me in the space I have found myself to be. She's got very real advice and very touching and moving writings that have indeed helped me through a great deal of emotional distress. I remember her words often, especially in times when I need them the most. Like now.
I experienced my own "leaning in" today. As the day grew and I became more anxious, I was unable to process my thoughts and feelings, because I cannot do that where I work...I have to be completely available and therapeutic for the teenagers and I cannot take my personal stuff into work, otherwise it will backfire...but once I got my break, I was already feeling like I was about to boil over from the things bubbling up inside of me, and I just let myself have it, and I cried for thirty minutes and just allowed myself to feel and release...and after all of that, the feeling was no longer so intense, and I was able to rationalize and bring logic and intuitive wisdom into the mix, which made it better.
I've written a lot about patterns and ways of thinking in past entrees, so I won't go too much into that, but I have been noticing a pattern of mine creep up on me...that "I'm unworthy/unlovable/stupid/an idiot" bullshit.
That is exactly what it is...BULL.SHIT. Period.
But in the moment, it's like, "Oh my God, I'm feeling this right now...so what do I do about it?"
Well, for one, I feel the feelings, and I let myself take the criticism as though I were taking it from some other human being...and once I've let myself get those feelings and thoughts out, I then remind myself that those thoughts are not true. I remind myself that they are lies that are destructive. It's so easy to blame ourselves and play the victim, when we have absolutely no control over a given situation.
It is quite amazing how quickly the human mind can shift from positive to negative, but how difficult it is for the mind to shift from negative to positive. I guess this is because our collective tendency as human beings is to suffer, whether or not that is what we want. No one truly desires to suffer. Suffering comes from victimizing ourselves...dwelling on things that do not serve us...perceived unfairness...feeling deliberately hurt.
This morning, I woke up feeling lovely, beautiful, lovable, light, desirable, wanted, and like every decision I had made the night before was the right one...how I felt that there was something good happening, and that things could not have possibly gone better...how I had gone through the motions with such clarity and such trust...and as the day went on, I began to feel out of touch with reality...out of touch with my heart and with my body...my mind began to spin, shake, and crumble, and even though I know in my heart that I was more than okay, my mind began to tell me things like, "you're an idiot", "how could you have been so stupid", "you should have known", "he doesn't actually care about you" etc etc etc.... when maybe, just maybe I'm over analyzing every single thing, thinking about "stupid things" I may have said that may have "turned him off".
"He kissed me goodbye, and I thought that meant he liked me..." Yeah, okay...and maybe he does. He did tell me he likes being around me...so?
I'm honestly still processing, and probably very much overreacting...but this is why I blog...words are my processor...
I have a solution, and that solution is to wait...patiently...give it time and space...understand that I'm not the only one whose head is probably spinning. It's not all about me. There is nothing more I can say or do without making myself feel worse, so I have chosen to leave it be for now...to let go, and let life happen.
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Pema Chodron says, "Lean into the sharp places". I've been reading a lot of her wisdom these days, which really resonates with me in the space I have found myself to be. She's got very real advice and very touching and moving writings that have indeed helped me through a great deal of emotional distress. I remember her words often, especially in times when I need them the most. Like now.
I experienced my own "leaning in" today. As the day grew and I became more anxious, I was unable to process my thoughts and feelings, because I cannot do that where I work...I have to be completely available and therapeutic for the teenagers and I cannot take my personal stuff into work, otherwise it will backfire...but once I got my break, I was already feeling like I was about to boil over from the things bubbling up inside of me, and I just let myself have it, and I cried for thirty minutes and just allowed myself to feel and release...and after all of that, the feeling was no longer so intense, and I was able to rationalize and bring logic and intuitive wisdom into the mix, which made it better.
I've written a lot about patterns and ways of thinking in past entrees, so I won't go too much into that, but I have been noticing a pattern of mine creep up on me...that "I'm unworthy/unlovable/stupid/an idiot" bullshit.
That is exactly what it is...BULL.SHIT. Period.
But in the moment, it's like, "Oh my God, I'm feeling this right now...so what do I do about it?"
Well, for one, I feel the feelings, and I let myself take the criticism as though I were taking it from some other human being...and once I've let myself get those feelings and thoughts out, I then remind myself that those thoughts are not true. I remind myself that they are lies that are destructive. It's so easy to blame ourselves and play the victim, when we have absolutely no control over a given situation.
It is quite amazing how quickly the human mind can shift from positive to negative, but how difficult it is for the mind to shift from negative to positive. I guess this is because our collective tendency as human beings is to suffer, whether or not that is what we want. No one truly desires to suffer. Suffering comes from victimizing ourselves...dwelling on things that do not serve us...perceived unfairness...feeling deliberately hurt.
This morning, I woke up feeling lovely, beautiful, lovable, light, desirable, wanted, and like every decision I had made the night before was the right one...how I felt that there was something good happening, and that things could not have possibly gone better...how I had gone through the motions with such clarity and such trust...and as the day went on, I began to feel out of touch with reality...out of touch with my heart and with my body...my mind began to spin, shake, and crumble, and even though I know in my heart that I was more than okay, my mind began to tell me things like, "you're an idiot", "how could you have been so stupid", "you should have known", "he doesn't actually care about you" etc etc etc.... when maybe, just maybe I'm over analyzing every single thing, thinking about "stupid things" I may have said that may have "turned him off".
"He kissed me goodbye, and I thought that meant he liked me..." Yeah, okay...and maybe he does. He did tell me he likes being around me...so?
I'm honestly still processing, and probably very much overreacting...but this is why I blog...words are my processor...
I have a solution, and that solution is to wait...patiently...give it time and space...understand that I'm not the only one whose head is probably spinning. It's not all about me. There is nothing more I can say or do without making myself feel worse, so I have chosen to leave it be for now...to let go, and let life happen.
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Hola! Just wanted to say hi and to let you know that you are perfect to matter what you think. So every morning when you wake up, just know...God made me perfect! I tell my daughter that a lot because that is what i think about every human being.
ReplyDeleteyou must remember that there is evil around us and that is why we think negative thoughts and mingle with negative humane beings.
Just stay positive and.know.that there is.something great for beautiful people like you.never underestimate who you are... you are here for a reason and that's why you are perfect. I love you :) oxox mariposita.